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LOVE'S  PURPLE 


LOVE'S    PURPLE 


BY 


S.  ELLA  WOOD  DEAN 


CHICAGO 

FORBES  &  COMPANY 
1911 


COPYRIGHT,  1911,   BY 
FORBES  AND  COMPANY 


PROLOGUE 

Nature  comes  eating,  and  drinking,  and  sinning." 

—  Emerson. 


*  I  ''HE  world,  when  it  remarks  upon  me  at  all,  says 
•*•  that  at  my  feet  it  has  laid  the  brightest  promise, 
the  sweetest  hope;  and  adds  that,  if  she  would  save 
herself  from  reproach,  no  woman  should  be  unmind- 
ful of  all  these  favors.  How  flippantly  we  give  .our 
decree  of  what  others  should  enjoy!  No  one  ever 
gave  a  woman  credit  for  suffering;  nor  of  being 
able  to  laugh  when  she  was  expected  to  cry. 

Mrs.  Grundy  said,  when  I  was  a  maid,  "  Kate  Gran- 
ley  is  morbid  " ;  as  a  matron  I  am  "  hors  de  combat." 
My  life  has  been  a  jumble, —  nothing  has  been  co- 
herent. The  last  milestone  of  regret  has  been  passed 
as,  near  the  journey's  end,  the  realization  comes  to  me 
that  the  signposts  were  mostly  written  upon  in  unin- 
telligible characters.  The  uselessness  of  everything 
in  life  is  its  greatest  tragedy. 

The  emptiness  of  the  wide  space  that  was  proph- 
esied should  be  resplendent  with  my  large  and  won- 
derful personality  and  fame  is  pathetic,  as  are  most 

7 


PROLOGUE 

failures.  My  life  has  been  built  on  hope.  We  know 
what  a  house  of  cards  that  is  to  inhabit.  The  sands 
of  the  sea  in  number  and  stability  are  as  my  ideals 
were. 

Yet,  we  never  know  what  good  may  come  out  of 
evil.  Seeing  the  slime  we  would  not  guess  the  lily 
without  a  previous  experience.  Happy  women,  like 
peaceful  nations,  have  never  made  history.  A  du 
Barry  lives  in  satin,  amid  roses  and  love,  to  die  scrawl- 
ing her  messages  of  misery,  upon  pages  already 
blotted  with  tears  and  soiled  with  court  scandal,  in 
ink  that  will  never  fade. 

"  The  music  of  the  moon  sleeps  in  the  plain  egg 
of  the  nightingale." 

If  we  show  signs  of  a  too  austere  morality  we  are 
insulted  by  the  cynical  sneer  of  fashion.  We  prefer 
the  tinsel  and  glare  of  shoddy  palaces,  the  sparkle 
of  diamonds,  and  the  rustle  of  silks,  to  the  hut,  the 
calico  dress,  and  Brook  Farm  philosophy.  The  paths 
between  the  two  are  devious.  Our  neighbors  are  the 
keepers  of  our  little  souls. 

When  very  young  we  have  illusions,  a  white  con- 
science, and  paint  evil  black.  As  we  grow  older  we 
hear  commercial  men  say  "  honesty  is  the  best  policy." 
This  phrase  loses  its  double  "  entendre  "  as  we  actually 
experience  what  temptations  men  have  to  be  honest. 
There  are  many  such  bib  and  tucker  axioms  that 
cover  up  the  bare  diplomacy  of  most  of  our  dealings, 

8 


PROLOGUE 

as  we  grow  wise  with  years,  to  show  to  our  proud 
souls  that  our  self-esteem  is  assured  if  our  neigh- 
bors approve  of  our  conduct. 

Civilization  has  so  denatured  us  by  its  inane  eti- 
quette that,  like  other  hybrids  out  of  their  element, 
we  adapt  ourselves  to  circumstances.  Our  effete 
culture  brings  us  to  its  own  standard,  which,  vulgar 
as  it  is,  has  its  advantages  to  many,  over  the  primitive 
state  of  single  blessedness. 


LOVE'S    PURPLE 


CHAPTER  I 

"  The  flesh  doth  thrill 
And  has  connection  by  some  unseen  chain 
With  its  original  source,  kindred  and  substance/ 


TF  we  choose  our  parents  wisely,  and  profit  by  their 
•••  teaching,  our  future  happiness  is  assured.  This 
ground-plan  of  life  seems  (and  in  a  novel  is)  easy  of 
fulfillment,  but  it  is  as  rare  of  accomplishment  as  most 
of  the  other  things  for  which  we  plan. 

In  a  tiny  cottage,  in  a  small  village  of  New  Eng- 
land, there  lived  two  foolish  people,  from  whose  kiss 
of  passion  emanated  a  little  being  whose  name  was 
Kate  Granley.  I  lay  nestling  in  the  cradle  while  my 
mother  buckled  my  father's  sword  upon  him.  She 
bade  him  go  from  this  Eden  of  love  to  fight  for  his 
country,  bleeding  as  it  was  from  the  wounds  of  civil 
war. 

Above  my  cradle  hung  the  colors  of  the  flag.  .  I 
came  into  the  world  to  the  sound  of  cannon;  the 

ii  - 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

echo  of  a  distant  war  song  was  my  lullaby,  and  my 
mother's  lips  anxiously  whispered  prayers  for  my 
father's  safety. 

Renown  for  precocity  in  singing  and  speaking  came 
to  me  when  my  fat,  chubby  feet  toddled  into  their 
third  year.  Admiring  friends  taught  me  at  a  tender 
age  to  appreciate  applause.  My  favorite  ballad  was : 

"  Little  drops  of  water, 
Little  grains  of  sand, 
Make  the  mighty  ocean 
And  the  beauteous  land. 

Little  words  of  kindness, 
Little  deeds  of  love, 
Make  this  world  an  Eden 
Like  the  Heaven  above." 

The  crossroad  which  separates  a  simple  home  life 
from  the  world,  came  when  I  was  three  years  old,  or 
younger.  The  world  heard  with  rapturous  astonish- 
ment of  a  journey  of  six  hundred  miles  made  by  my- 
self alone,  without  damage  of  any  kind.  An  inquiry 
of  the  train  conductor  as  to  the  whereabouts  of  my 
satchel  at  the  termination  of  the  journey,  added  eclat 
to  my  growing  fame.  From  the  start  I  was  made  to 
feel  that  a  great,  golden  opportunity  was  given  me  to 
shape  my  destiny  into  something  transcendent  and 
extraordinary.  As  I  approached  womanhood  the 

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LOVE'S  PURPLE 

wild  praise  of  these  two  worshipful  people  was  not 
diminished  by  my  obstinacy,  which  provoked  many 
severe  rebukes. 

I  remember  when  first  my  beauty  was  in  question. 
Secretly  I  did  not  admire  myself.  I  would  often  sit 
before  the  glass  painting  my  cafe-au-lait  complexion 
with  ripe  strawberries  and  white  flour.  My  nose 
turned  the  wrong  way  and  flared  horribly  at  the  nos- 
trils. Instead  of  the  beautiful  black  hair,  like  that 
of  the  young  mother,  I  had  nondescript  locks  of  mixed 
yellows  and  browns.  Once  my  French  governess  put 
my  hair  on  top  of  my  head  saying,  "  Ainsi  pour  voir." 
That  she  dilated  upon  the  superiority  of  a  homely 
woman  with  amiable  qualities,  over  the  contentious 
beauty,  I  mused,  was  either  because  Mademoiselle  was 
not  a  success  as  a  hairdresser,  or  that  the  prognostics 
for  my  future  belle-ship  were  faint.  But  talent  and 
pretty  clothes  count  for  more  than  beauty.  Was  it 
not  *so  in  the  court  of  France,  where  plain  women 
lived  their  whole  lives  in  successful  amours? 

I  was  not  beautiful,  but  the  marks  of  a  thorough- 
bred animal  were  apparent  in  my  physique.  Soulful 
eyes,  fine  skin,  and  lovely  teeth  formed  the  physical 
basis  for  a  reputation  throughout  the  two  continents 
that  I  reserved  for  my  triumphs.  There  were  no 
bounds  to  an  egotism  that  did  not  hesitate  to  delight 
in  an  admiration  of  my  lips,  "  red  as  a  pomegranate," 
that  "  breathed  of  love,"  that  in  men  aroused  the  de- 

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LOVE'S  PURPLE 

sire  of  a  never  failing  avowal  of  love.  Reporters  of 
local  newspapers  puffed  me  as  a  rival  of  Adelina 
Patti;  I  did  not  doubt  them.  My  wit,  good  nature, 
and  "  savoir  faire  "  passed  for  a  brilliancy  that  gained 
prestige  for  me  everywhere. 

Men  made  of  me  a  fellow  Greek.  It  was  not  pos- 
sible for  me  to  assume  the  "  non  compos  mentis" 
qualities  that  make  child-like  women  so  charming  in 
men's  eyes,  but  it  did  not  surprise  me  that  most  men 
found  me  strangely  new  and  fetching.  It  was  neither 
beauty,  brains  nor  loveliness  that  went  to  make  up 
this  power  by  which  those  about  me  were  induced 
to  do  my  bidding,  but  it  was  a  commingling  of  these 
with  a  diablerie  of  something  essentially  my  own, 
that  no  other  girl  of  my  age  possessed,  or,  at  least, 
exhibited.  The  violence  of  men's  passion  for  me  was 
mostly  measured  by  its  brevity.  My  vanity  some- 
times stopped  to  wonder  at  this. 

To  shape  my  own  destiny  became  my  ambition  be- 
fore the  era  of  long  skirts;  and  the  best  things  I 
have  known  have  been  those  I  have  myself  induced. 
A  self- won  victory  is  the  best  one,  yet  for  every  prize 
in  life  a  forfeit  is  demanded.  I  was  not  compre- 
hensible to  my  associates.  They  made  me  conscious 
of  an  isolation  that  was  not  agreeable  to  vanity, 
though  my  personality  won  for  me  a  social  position. 
A  youth  once  said :  "  You  have  a  drag  with  the  swell 
set  that  makes  me  proud  of  you.  As  you  entertained 

14 


last  night,  your  affair  might  have  been  chronicled  with 
the  Vanderbilts.  I  like  to  see  your  name  bracketed 
with  the  best  and  richest  of  the  earth.  Your  party 
has  made  everything  else  on  the  calendar  this  season 
appear  tame." 

My  wit  was  often  barbed.  My  elders  laughed, 
and  my  victims,  too,  even  the  very  enemies  I  made. 
I  was  of  this  oblivious;  for  I  loved  myself,  physically, 
mentally  and  morally.  In  the  dreamed  of  future 
everyone  would  see  what  a  great  somebody  I  would 
be,  but  for  the  present  I  did  not  care  even  to  try. 

Qld  men  were  fond  of  me  for  what  I  promised  to 
be.  In  a  sincerely  poetical  way  my  physical  beauty, 
fresh  and  sparkling,  appealed  to  them  as  would  that  of 
a  rose,  or  a  star.  There  was  a  slackening  of  the  tight 
rein  of  this  egotism  occasionally  but  my  faith  in  my 
power  was  limitless,  which  amounts  to  hope,  and  is 
enthusiasm. 

From  my  father  I  inherited  pride,  with  strong  im- 
pulses that  often  led  me  into  foolish  perversions  of 
self-interest.  Beyond  the  voluptuous  needs  of  my 
easy  disposition  for  luxury,  to  which  I  was  tenderly 
inclined  to  yield,  the  vulgar  never  led  me  from  the 
prescribed  path  of  my  high  ideals  and  aspiration 
for  truth,  but  a  greedy,  ambitious  egotism  taught 
me  the  art  of  selfishness  which,  while  my  youth 
lasted,  many  thought  to  be  charming.  For  many 
years  my  philosophy  was  a  soft  dough  which  I 

15 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

kneaded  to  all  emergencies  to  suit  the  many  needs  of 
this  vanity. 

At  sixteen,  well-fed  and  happy,  I  wrote  to  a  friend 
that  the  only  real  happiness  is  to  be  found  in  the 
quiet,  contented,  Christian  home  where  all  are  bound 
by  affection- — the  perfect,  ideal  love,  which  is  never 
attained  elsewhere  this  side  of  Heaven.  This  goes  to 
show  the  double  dealing  we  can  have  with  ourselves  as 
we  say  words  that  do  not  voice  our  real  ideas.  My 
clairvoyant  vision  could  not  be  blinded  to  this  fatal 
contradiction  in  the  dreams  of  my  own  future.  These 
were  of  a  glorious  fanfare ;  my  path  strewn  with  roses, 
a  crown  upon  my  head,  the  world  admiringly  envious 
of  me;  and  then,  love!  love  supreme,  would  be  the 
motive  of  life's  harmony.  By  love,  I  thought  of 
whole  days  spent  in  its  elemental  expression  by  the  side 
of  some  handsome  man  with  much  leisure  time.  A 
guess  is  often  a  prediction, —  a  woman's  whole  life  is 
colored  by  her  first  love  affair. 

I  waver  now  at  the  ford  of  the  Rubicon  of  Youth 
—  that  swift  flowing  river.  My  moral  strength,  for 
which  I  am  still  remarked,  is  partly  assumed.  It  is 
the  result  of  long  continued  subjection  of  the  emo- 
tions, the  effort  to  eliminate  an  excess  of  expression. 
I  am  now  almost  unsexed  into  an  absolute  indifference 
that  most  women  would  term  Hades. 

There  are  bodies  without  souls,  and  there  are  also 
women  whose  spirits  are  almost  unconscious  of  their 

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LOVE'S  PURPLE 

bodies.  Endowed  congenitally  with  an  ivory  nature 
that  could  not  gather  dust,  it  is  difficult  for  me  even 
now,  after  a  wide  experience,  to  live  up  to  the  hypo- 
critical lives  of  the  women  whom  the  best  society 
obliges  one  to  know. 

Virtuous  by  intuition;  frivolous  by  impulse,  my 
history  accords  with  that  generally  written  by  the 
heart.  Is  not  that  always  a  mystery  ? 

The  world  attributes  gossip  to  women;  —  certain 
it  is  that  few  women  owe  their  progress  to  their  own 
sex.  Women  rarely  understand,  and  still  more  rarely 
bestow  a  disinterested  love  upon  each  other. 

Everything  not  money  nowadays  is  appanage. 
Everything  has,  or  has  not,  a  market  value.  Nothing 
is  sacred.  A  Delilah-doxy  chants  new  measures  to 
the  tune  of  chinking  gold.  While  we  are  young  we 
make  love;  live  for  others;  talk  of  ideals;  read  poetry; 
wear  white;  pray  to  Heaven;  believe  in  God;  trust 
in  men;  retain  our  virtue;  die  for  honor;  marry  to 
keep  holy  the  sacred  bond  of t  matrimony. 

The  new  philosophy  teaches  us  that  women  have 
equal  rights  with  men.  There  is  no  love,  nothing 
save  self-interest;  there  are  no  heights  of  faith,  only 
level  plains  of  agnosticism  and  science. 

Yet,  what  are  the  true  philosophy  and  rules  of 
life?  One  woman  devotes  herself  to  the  man  of  her 
choice,  refuses  herself  to  others.  Such  a  woman,  if 
she  has  a  kind  heart,  and  is  born  with  the  natural 

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LOVE'S  PURPLE 

grace  of  God,  who  has  a  divine  magnetism,  and  has 
never  lacked  the  male  of  her  choice,  has  probably 
lived  the  satisfied  life  of  wife  and  mother.  How 
can  she  comprehend  the  woman  who  may  crave  the 
completeness  of  another's  life,  yet  denies  herself  and 
worships  at  her  own  shrine ;  who  would  not  give  birth 
to  children  because  she  fears  the  transient  deformity, 
and  feels  that  these  children  would  destroy  her  life 
without  merit,  and  who  on  her  wedding  day,  a  young 
girl,  concludes  a  dupe's  bargain? 

Some  sort  of  love  story  generally  prefaces  each 
life,  however,  before  it  enters  upon  this  real  desert 
journey  where  the  hot  sun  above  and  the  waste  of 
sand  below  sear  and  burn  each  vestige  of  sentiment 
from  the  heart  with  the  thirst  created  by  a  first  dis- 
appointment. 

At  middle  age  a  woman  must  be  shod  to  travel  into 
the  great  loveless,  limitless  beyond.  We  are  told  to 
shun  an  exhibition  of  emotion,  to  forget  all  the 
Empyrean  past,  and  scatter  its  violet  shadows  from 
the  door  of  our  withered  hearts.  Let  us  not  look  at 
the  stars  lest  we  fall  into  a  pit,  nor  call  upon  God  lest 
we  forget  ourselves. 

After  graduating  from  school  with  distinction,  at 
seventeen,  I  dreamed  away  the  summer  in  a  lan- 
guorous listlessness,  but  not  without  suffering  the 
exquisite  pain  of  affection  and  longing  of  the  sex  na- 
ture for  a  response,  which  is  to  human  nature  what  the 

18 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

sun  is  to  plant  life, —  an  awakening  of  the  everlasting 
worth  in  us  into  being. 

Watching  the  moon,  reading  poetry,  studying 
George  Eliot,  were  interspersed  with  many  humdrum 
duties  of  the  household.  Many  were  the  tongues 
which  gossiped  as  to  my  intention  of  marrying.  I 
did  not  deign  to  offer  suggestions,  but  in  my  heart 
I  resolved  that  I  could  not  be  satisfied  with  the  grub- 
bing, club-lived  man  and  his  list  of  vices.  I  said  to 
myself,  the  man  who  calls  me  "  wife  "  shall  not  be 
animal;  he  shall  be  white-souled  and  pure-hearted. 
His  Holy,  Grail  shall  be  guarded  on  the  sacred  altar 
of  his  manhood.  He  will  not  stoop  to  do  a  mean- 
ness, he  shall  not  be  dominated  by  greed,  and  he  will 
love  me  nobly,  sweetly  as  a  woman  loves.  I,  too, 
shall  be  made  anew,  for  he  will  reveal  my  other  self 
to  me.  We  shall  live  in  a  perfect  fragrance  exhaled 
from  a  purest  joy. 

Moonshine  that  wanes;  rose  leaves  that  fade;  love 
that  dies  —  those  were  not  of  my  dreams.  Someone 
has  said  that  what  we  are  is  always  attracted  to  us  — 
that  we  always  deserve  our  fate  because  we  have  the 
elements  within  us  that  go  toward  making  the  result. 
What  were  my  dreams?  Reality?  Or  did  there  live 
reality  aside  from  me?  At  any  rate,  I  thought  my 
destiny  lay  in  my  own  hand,  that  I  should  shape  and 
instill  it  with  the  fragrance  of  a  perfect  happiness. 


CHAPTER  II 

And  we  are  happy,  very, 

He  and  I, 
Aye,  even  glad  and  merry.' 


KATE: 

"  Be  ready  by  four  o'clock  to  ride  with  me 
and  another  old  man.  We  will  be  prompt.  Don't 
keep  us  waiting. 

"  Sincerely, 

"  YOUR  UNCLE  LAURENCE." 

Adhering  to  the  rules  of  romance  a  young  man 
should  appear  in  the  first  chapter  of  a  story;  here  he 
comes  riding  into  the  second.  My  horsemanship 
never  brought  a  blush  except  of  pride  to  my  cheek. 
It  was  my  joy  to  enter  the  field  of  conquest  on  a 
pony's  back.  I  was  full  of  youthful  eagerness,  and 
the  hour  was  very  long  in  coming.  At  last,  my  uncle 
and  his  friend,  Mr.  Starwell,  made  their  appear- 
ance. 

The  men  did  not  hide  their  pleasure  at  seeing  me 
so  keen  for  the  sport.  The  stranger  did  not  come 

20 


up  to  my  expectations.  He  would  never  incite  an  in- 
spiration from  which  to  evolve  an  heroic.  He  had  a 
shining,  white  face  that  gave  a  harsh  idea  as  of  too 
much  soap  and  water.  His  plain  drab  clothes  gave 
an  immediate  impression  of  an  economical  person, 
prejudiced  against  daintiness.  He  might  be  said  to 
resemble  a  pearl  set  in  lead.  High  cheek  bones  and 
a  large  aquiline  nose  redeemed  the  face  with  its  pale 
gray  eyes  and  nondescript  moustache,  closely  cropped. 
He  possessed  a  self-poise  which  one  could  almost 
describe  as  commanding.  He  boasted,  and  sincerely 
thought,  that  he  had  never  known  defeat,  and  con- 
sidered that  his  life's  battles  had  been  won  by  him- 
sel'f  alone. 

A  new  man  in  a  young  girl's  life  is  as  a  strange 
continent  to  the  explorer.  There  came  to  me  a  fleet- 
ing, instinctive  fear,  or  perhaps  a  hope,  that  this 
person  would  weave  an  important  thread  in  the  warp 
or  woof  of  my  life's  fabric.  I  guessed  it  as  the  low 
tones  of  his  voice  subdued  me  to  an  unselfish  atten- 
tion; the  glances  of  his  eyes  held  me  placidly  con- 
tent while  he  studied  me,  and  the  clasp  of  the  large, 
square  hand  thrilled  me  as  nothing  before  in  my 
short  experience  had  done.  His  interested,  close 
survey  lost  me  my  coveted  aplomb,  and  I  sprang 
nervously  into  the  saddle,  giving  my  horse  the  rein. 
My  long  braids  were  soon  floating  to  the  breeze  like 
pennants,  as  I  flew  along,  the  men  following  in  hot 

21 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

pursuit.     They  were  the  first  to  call  a  halt  to  allow 
the  horses  to  regain  their  wind. 

;<  You  ride  like  an  Indian  maid."  This  speech  of 
bold  admiration  smacked  of  old-fashioned  gallantry, 

—  something  not  expected  of  him  —  but  it  might  not 
be  surprising  from  a  man  who  observed  the  conven- 
tionalities of  society  no  more  than  to  ride  in  his  busi- 
ness suit. 

Every  detail  of  that  ride  upon  the  Seventeenth  of 
September,  stands  out  as  clear  as  if  it  had  happened 
yesterday.  The  sunshine,  the  cool  air  in  our  faces, 
the  autumn  leaves  in  our  path,  the  clean  earth-smells, 
and,  the  exhilaration  of  this  new  experience  of  a  man 

—  a  well-known  man  of  the  world  —  admiring  me, 
for  his  eyes  looked  at  me  in  a  way  that  sent  the  hot 
blood  to  my  cheeks. 

To  make  this  admiration  sure  I  let  my  pony  take  a 
high  fence  into  a  vegetable  patch  at  the  side  of  the 
road,  and  then  stood  laughing,  at  my  new  admirer  as 
he  fumbled  with  the  gate,  while  the  care-taker,  an  old 
German,  screamed  execrations  on  my  head. 

"  O !  Father  Time,"  I  cried  gayly,  "  we  came  to  ad- 
mire your  beautiful  garden.  May  we  not  buy  some 
of  these  fine  flowers?" 

This  appeased  the  old  German,  and  he  gave  us 
flowers,  urged  us  to  come  often,  and  waved  us  "  auf 
wiedersehen  "  in  a  lusty  voice  quite  different  in  its 
tones  from  those  with  which  he  had  greeted  us. 

22 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

As  we  went  out  of  the  garden  my  cavalier  said: 
"  I  never  like  to  do  anything  by  halves,  we  will  close 
the  gate  to  make  assurance  doubly  sure."  As  he  said 
this  he  laid  his  eyes  upon  mine  silently  and  sent  a 
love  pact  to  me  in  that  glance  which  was  to  my  heart 
a  call  such  as  had  never  come  to  it  before. 

The  sun  was  burning  fiery  holes  in  the  fluffy  blue 
and  white  of  the  sky  as  it  slowly  sank  behind  the 
horizon  in  a  gorgeously  royal  array  of  crimson  and 
gold.  As  we  watched  its  shifting  beauties  we  re- 
mained oblivious  of  all  else  until  the  varied  colors 
settled  into  the  blood  red  of  a  dying  day.  Suddenly 
it  came  to  me  that  we  were  a  long  way  from  home 
arid  that  the  sun  was  already  down,  and  I  said,  "  We 
must  return,  it  is  getting  late  and  they  will  worry," 
for  my  uncle  had  turned  back.  "  Yes,"  said  Mr. 
Starwell,  "  if  I  had  a  daughter  she  should  never  be 
allowed  out  alone,  she  would  be  so  precious  to  me." 

Most  men  are  elemental  in  their  natures  and  this 
man  was  as  the  others, —  a  real  disappointment  to  me. 
He  was  a  prig,  unfortunately.  His  remark  showed 
that  he  had  not  yet  opened  his  shell  to  reach  out  in 
the  wide  field  of  independent  thought,  and  I  felt  lone- 
some and  disgusted  as  we  rode  rapidly  back. 

In  silence  I  dismounted  and  watched  my  delighted 
pony  kick  her  white  hoofs  into  the  air  as  evidence 
of  joy  at  her  near  approach  to  the  oat  bin.  I  envied 
her  the  brute  independence  of  thought  and  con- 

23 


ventionality.  As  I  stood  thus,  waiting  for  Mr.  Star- 
well  to  speak,  our  eyes  met  in  a  direct,  steady  gaze 
from  which  I  was  unable  to  withdraw.  He  seemed 
amused.  Now,  when  things  are  plain  to  me,  I  can 
see  that  he  was  wondering  if  anyone  could  really  be 
so  naive,  for  he  had  been  accustomed  to  the  attention 
of  leisurely  and  influential  women  of  the  world. 

As  he  dropped  from  the  saddle,  after  remount- 
ing to  go  away,  he  stretched  out  his  hand  to  say 
good-bye  and  said :  "  It  would  give  me  pleasure  to  call, 
or  perhaps  you  would  like  to  go  to  the  theatre  with 
me.  I  shall  be  free  any  evening  convenient  to  you." 

I  hesitated  a  moment  and  then  said,  "  Would 
Thursday  suit  you  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  he  replied,  "  I  will  come  early  Thursday 
evening." 

While  not  looking  at  him  I  felt  his  insistent  eyes 
were  impelling  me  and  I  dared  to  look  at  him  long  and 
steadily.  Then  nervously  flecking  the  dust  and  foam 
from  my  habit,  I  turned  to  enter  the  house,  intending 
to  convey  the  impression  that  this  attention  was 
neither  new,  nor  particularly  flattering  to  me. 

The  twilight  was  fading  fast.  He  passed  out  into 
the  dusk ;  and  I  watched  him  along  the  white  road  till 
his  form  faded  from  view. 


24 


CHAPTER  III 

Lost  to  the  world  in  zvhich  I  take  no  part, 
I  sit  alone  and  listen  to  my  heart. 
Pleased  with  my  little  corner  of  the  earth, 
Glad  that  I  came, —  not  sorry  to  depart." 


PREPARATIONS  had  been  made  for  me  to  go  to 
•*•  college,  but  at  the  time  set  for  departure  my 
mother  was  taken  ill  with  a  most  malignant  fever, 
and  as  my  devotion  to  her  was  an  unconquerable  pas- 
sion, I  determined  to  sacrifice  for  her  the  college 
year. 

No  mother  was  ever  born  with  surer  maternal  in- 
stincts than  was  mine.  Women  reared  in  satin,  fed 
on  terrapin  and  champagne;  who  have  dictated  to 
French  nurses,  and  principally  decided  all  things  for 
their  own  comfort;  who  crave  admiration  and  have 
small-tart  ideas  regarding  the  world  outside  their 
gilded  cage  and  circle,  and  whose  children  believe  that 
their  clothes  are  more  important  than  their  souls,  are 
not  as  my  mother  was.  Thank  Heaven,  she  was  not 
of  this  class. 

Her  innocence  and  simple,  child-like  nature  would 

25 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

have  been  incomprehensible  to  the  average  society 
woman.  Certainly,  they  would  never  know  how  to 
be  so  self-sacrificing,  generous,  kind  and  loving.  An 
early  training  of  most  severe  simplicity  and  unweary- 
ing gentleness  had  had  their  effect,  and  made  of  her 
the  angel  of  mercy  that  her  household  knew.  The 
bird  was  ever  singing  in  her  heart  and,  never  having 
seen  the  great  outside  world,  her  unbounded  love  for 
her  husband  and  child  made  of  them  her  world,  her 
means  of  grace,  and  hope  of  glory.  Her  exotic  mind 
made  of  her  husband  a  golden  god  with  a  clay  shell. 
He  often  twisted  and  contorted  her  fair  soul  until  it 
shrieked  with  pain,  but  she  would  smile  up  at  him 
with  tears  streaming  from  her  beautiful  eyes,  her 
curved  lips  trembling,  while  she  tried  to  hide  from 
him  her  unspeakable  sadness. 

There  was  a  short  period  of  my  girlhood  when  I 
remembered  my  mother  as  having  been  young.  The 
glad  ring  of  her  laughter  and  brightness  of  her  nature 
made  the  house  happy.  At  that  time  her  hair  was 
blue  black,  and  her  skin,  soft  as  satin,  had  the  rich 
coloring  of  the  Italian,  with  a  faint  glow  in  her  lovely 
cheek  that  seemed  to  emanate  from  her  smile,  as 
when  the  light  of  a  candle  shines  through  ivory. 
The  regular  features,  petite,  lovely  form,  tolerant 
mind,  and  active  intelligence  brought  all  natures  to 
her  gentle  heart.  Old  and  young  loved  her,  as  her 

26 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

depth  of  sympathy,  knowledge  of  suffering,  or  her 
light  merriment  appealed  to  each  in  his  need.  She 
was  not  a  woman  easily  forgotten.  Her  benignity 
was  royal  in  its  generous  scope.  This  was  changed 
by  some  miracle,  instantly. 

One  morning  she  came  downstairs  with  gray  hair, 
a  haggard,  sallow  face,  and  eyes  —  such  eyes,  shall 
I  ever  forget  their  expression!  As  a  shaded  brook 
in  the  sunshine  reflects  all  the  joyous  brightness  of 
the  miniature  world  about  it,  so  my  mother's  eyes, — 
neither  blue  nor  gray,  brown  nor  gold,  were  the  com- 
mingling of  all  these  as  the  various  emotions  were 
reflected  and  brought  out  in  them,  the  crystalline  win- 
dows of  her  pure  soul.  To-day  glazed,  empty,  with 
all  the  life  gone  out  of  them,  as  a  light  .snuffed  out  — 
these  lifeless,  steely-gray  eyes  looked  without  seeing, 
and  wept  without  a  tear.  What  could  have  so  ut- 
terly felled  the  spirit  in  my  mother's  eyes? 

"  Mamma !  "  I  cried,  as  frantically  I  clutched  her 
dress.  But  she  stood  motionless  and  without  a 
word.  I  did  not  go  to  school  that  day.  Without 
knowing  why,  I  wandered  aimlessly  about  the  house, 
once  in  a  while  trying  to  speak  or  attract  my  poor 
little  mother's  attention  and  draw  her  out  of  this 
dreadful  lethargy. 

From  this  time  on  our  lives  were  different.  There 
were  no  more  songs  in  the  twilight,  no  more  caresses, 

27 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

sweet  nothings  or  stupid  jokes.  Even  the  ordinary 
civilities  were  omitted  from  my  father's  and  mother's 
intercourse. 

For  five  years  this  pall,  with  almost  insupportable 
persistency,  threw  its  evil  effect  upon  our  once  joyous 
home.  The  misery  of  this  cankerworm  made  ravages 
in  my  mother's  beauty  and  dulled  her  mind.  She 
grew  paler  and  more  emaciated  and  now  took  no 
part  in  the  welfare  of  her  neighbors  or  friends,  pay- 
ing no  visits  and  receiving  no  calls,  and  never  going 
to  theatre,  opera  or  church.  In  a  measure  she  found 
a  certain  relief  for  her  mental  agony  in  darning  and 
mending  old  clothes,  or  knitting.  She  never  sat  idle 
but  forlornly  took  part  in  the  affairs  of  the  house- 
hold, sometimes  sadly  humming  a  mournful  refrain 
as  she  did  her  work.  Nothing  broke  the  dull  gray  of 
this  colorless  monotony.  There  was  nothing  bright, 
joyous  or  glad,  no  pretty  clothes.  The  house  was 
devoid  of  beauty,  not  even  a  flower  in  a  vase  to  make 
us  think  there  was  anything  in  the  world  but  this  — 
this  —  What  was  it  ? 

During  these  five  years  my  father  was  rarely  seen 
by  the  family.  He  ate  an  early  breakfast,  and  came 
from  business  only  to  change  his  clothes  and  go  out 
for  the  evening,  rarely  returning  till  late.  My  idea 
of  married  life  was  always  more  or  less  salted  down 
into  this  one  derived  from  our  own  home  life. 

My  mother's  illnesses  became  more  frequent  and 
28 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

it  was  a  marvel  to  the  medical  profession  how  she 
survived  many  of  her  attacks  of  pain  and  fever.  For 
some  reason,  which  she  never  divulged,  she  insisted 
on  not  having  a  trained  nurse,  so  I  learned  early  in 
life  to  tenderly  care  for  her.  The  pale  and  haggard 
face,  and  meagre,  gray  hair,  restlessly  tossed  about 
and  pulled  by  the  thin  tiny  hands,  made  a  picture  to 
excite  anyone's  sympathy,  especially  one  who  knew  of 
her  patient  resignation,  and  that  she  had  always 
thought  of  others  and  their  comfort  first,  regardless  of 
her  own. 

Once,  after  lying  in  a  torpid  stupor  for  three  days, 
she  seemed  to  rally.  Her  will  was  weak,  her  eye- 
lids too  heavy  to  open  as  she  struggled  to  say, 
"  Daughter,  I  am  dying.  Go,  ask  grandfather  to  pray 
for  me." 

Trembling  with  the  first  agony  of  my  life,  and 
beside  myself  with  grief  I  caught  up  the  frail  little 
body  in  my  arms,  crying,  "  Mother,  Mother,  you 
must  not  die,  you  must  live !  " 

She  had  expended  her  strength  in  the  few  words 
she  had  uttered  but  with  appealing  decision  she  tried 
to  draw  the  thin  lips  into  a  smile,  as  though  she  ap- 
preciated the  futility  of  everything,  and,  still  hoping, 
I  tenderly  laid  her  back  on  the  bed  and  rushed  in 
haste  to  seek  grandfather. 

My  grandfather  belonged  to  a  race  of  men  bred  to 
prefer  exile  or  ignominy  for  the  sake  of  right  rather 

29 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

than  the  cringing  honor  of  the  world  with  a  smirch 
on  the  family  name.  He  was  a  man  of  indomitable 
will  and  untarnished  escutcheon.  Above  his  great 
height  his  calm  face  showed  by  its  expression  that 
peace  of  mind  a  Christian  heart  had  illumined  through 
years  of  civil  war,  strenuous  professional  life,  and, 
finally,  a  well  earned  retirement  to  enjoy  his  declining 
years. 

He  made  his  home  with  us  at  this  time,  and  I  soon 
brought  him  to  my  mother's  room.  As  he  approached 
the  bedside  he  laid  his  large  hand  over  her  tiny  one 
as  he  asked :  "  Did  you  want  me,  Susanna?  " 

"  Yes,  Father,  pray  for  me." 

He  had  been  a  renowned  physician  of  good  repute 
in  diagnosis  and  I  looked  to  him  for  an  opinion  as 
to  her  real  condition. 

His  answer  was :  "  The  candle  is  all  but  burnt  out. 
The  light  of  the  spirit  will  not  last  long." 

To  this  gentle,  flower-like  woman  who  had  only 
acted  for  the  good  of  those  about  her,  the  true,  long 
suffering,  deep-loving  heart  that  knew  so  little  of  joy 
on  earth,  perhaps  death  would  bring  the  peace  or  hap- 
piness she  so  richly  deserved;  for  even  a  happy  child- 
hood had  been  denied  her,  as  she  had  even  suffered 
abuse  from  a  harsh  step-mother,  of  inferior  origin 
and  grasping  nature. 

The  theory  that  death  is  the  Christian's  crown  of 
eternal  joy  is  well  enough  to  sing  about  in  church 

30 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

on  Sunday,  I  thought,  but  the  coming  of  the  final  test 
of  having  your  own  loved  ones  called  hence  by  the 
dread  messenger  is  another  thing. 

Would  it  be  best  for  her  to  die  ?  Even  so,  the  loss 
of  her  forever  struck  me  as  so  deplorably  desolate 
that  with  grief  unrestrained,  I  fell  across  her  bed, 
crying,  in  a  paroxysm  impossible  to  control,  "  Grand- 
father, pray,  pray  for  her  to  live." 

Then  his  low,  calm  voice  said :  "  O  God,  look  down 
with  compassion  on  this  poor  mortal  body.  Save  this 
soul  to  everlasting  salvation  for  righteousness.  If 
it  be  Thy  will  save  her  to  her  family,  but  if  this 
corruption  shall  put  on  incorruption,  save  her  through 
ete'rnity,  for  Christ's  sake.  Amen." 

The  scene  in  which  he  was  taking  part  seemed  to 
leave  him  unmoved.  "  Do  you  feel  prepared  to  die  ?  " 
he  asked,  only  interested  in  her  future  state.  If  ever 
anyone  worked  their  passage  through  to  heaven  in 
this  life  my  mother  did  so  by  her  unflinching  devotion 
to  duty. 

"  Yes,"  she  murmured  very  low.  Then  she  groped 
for  me.  "  Be  good  —  Dear  —  Tell  Papa  —  good- 
bye." 

I  barely  heard  these  words  but  they  seemed  to  ex- 
haust all  the  strength  she  possessed  and  she  lay  quiet, 
but  breathing. 

My  father  entered,  smoking  a  fragrant  cigar,  and 
apparently  in  a  particularly  good  humor. 

31 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

To  my  whispered  explanation  that  mother  was  dy- 
ing he  said,  with  a  gesture  he  usually  employed  when 
he  handed  me  twice  the  amount  of  money  I  had  asked 
for,  "  Oh,  no,  your  mother  will  get  well,"  and  with 
this  he  went  to  the  library  to  finish  his  cigar  and  to 
read  the  evening  paper,  while  I  went  to  my  dark,  little 
room. 

It  has  always  seemed  to  me  that  the  elements  have 
done  much  to  accentuate  my  misery  in  all  the  sad 
crises  of  my  life.  To-night  a  storm  of  rain  and 
wind  beat  and  whistled  and  roared,  accompanied  by 
great  claps  of  thunder  that  shook  the  house,  followed 
by  chain  on  chain  of  lightning  that  forked  frantically 
across  a  sky  full  of  scurrying,  heavy  clouds.  The 
great  elm  trees  beside  the  house  swayed  like  reeds 
and  the  wind  played  a  gamut  of  weird  music  through 
their  leaves,  when  suddenly  the  tallest  elm  of  the 
group  was  riven  in  two  by  lightning. 

To  my  superstitious  mind  this  storm  with  its  dread- 
ful results  seemed  to  presage  some  awful  catastrophe. 
I  had  just  knelt  at  the  foot  of  my  bed  to  pray,  under 
stress  of  emotion  new  to  me,  when  a  maid  knocked 
at  the  door. 

I  opened  it  and  she  said,  "  A  gentleman,  Miss,  a 
Mr.  Starwell,  who  says  he  was  delayed  on  account  of 
the  storm.  He  is  sorry  to  be  so  late  getting  here 
but  would  you  please  see  him  ?  " 


CHAPTER  IV 

"  And  the  two  ants  who  are  asking  of  each  other  at  the 
turn  of  that  little  ants'  foot-worn  path  through  the  moss, 
'Lor  via,  elor  fortuna,'  and  the  builders,  also,  who  built 
yonder  pile  of  cloud  marble  in  the  West,  and  the  gilder 
who  gilded  it  are  gone  down  behind  it." — Ruskin. 


TT  was  ten  o'clock.  I  looked  in  on  my  mother,  who 
•*•'  had  fallen  asleep.  The  crisis  had  passed  and  the 
doctor  considering  his  patient  out  of  danger  had  gone. 

Even  in  my  exaggerated  grief  the  natural  appetency 
that  longed  for  satisfaction  had  recourse  to  the  usual 
methods  known  to  coquettes.  In  a  particularly  be- 
coming white  gown  of  quorn  cloth  I  determined  that 
this  opportunity  of  making  an  effect  on  Mr.  Starwell 
should  not  be  lost.  I  felt  assured  that  if  he  saw  me 
now,  dressed  in  this  way,  and  with  this  new  expres- 
sion in  my  face,  I  would  have  nothing  to  fear.  Love 
equalizes  all  men,  and  he  would  be  made  to  kneel  in 
abject  submission.  Conquest,  with  the  spoils  of  war, 
should  be  mine.  Any  penalty  that  might  attach  to 
this  success  was  not  at  that  time  apparent. 

As  I  entered  the  room  I  watched  for  what  I  had 

33 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

striven,  and  his  ill  concealed  admiration  of  me  was 
my  reward  for  coming  down.  As  we  clasped  hands 
he  held  mine  as  if  he  did  not  want  to  break  a  spell 
that  our  constant  thought  of  each  other  since  we  met 
had  cast  over  us.  He  was  struck  with  my  mature 
manner,  assumed  for  the  nonce  —  the  new  something 
that  adorns  a  face  where  sorrow  has  been  written,  en- 
tirely deceived  him. 

He  returned  my  straight,  quiet  gaze  with  a  sympa- 
thetic glance  that  was  out  of  keeping  with  his  cold, 
wrhite  face;  for  he  appeared  to  have  a  soap-washed, 
flint  nature  which,  under  the  right  conditions,  strands 
a  poetical  egotism  like  mine  in  a  helpless  wreck. 

It  looked  as  though  it  would  be  an  equal  battle, 
and  I  quickly  decided  to  hold  my  own,  so  instead  of 
the  kittenish  manner  that  I  had  employed  the  first 
day  we  met,  I  fell  into  the  role  of  a  woman  with  the 
new  luxury  of  a  sadness  upon  her.  This  cue  would 
be  taken  up  in  order  that  I  might  give  him  an  intel- 
lectual exhibition.  I  quoted  indiscriminately,  and 
felt  sure  he  was  impressed  with  my  powerful  mind 
and  scintillating  genius.  I  explained  what  I  intended 
to  do,  and  what  I  would  become  in  the  future. 

This  play  was  all  the  more  necessary  as  a  means 
of  fascination  because  the  parlor  we  sat  in  was  the 
embodiment  of  ugliness,  with  its  gray,  painted  walls 
that  in  shiny  hardness  absorbed  all  light.  Then  there 
was  also  an  entire  lack  of  ornament.  No  accessories 

34 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

of  any  kind  to  delight  one;  no  cozy  corner,  pretty 
pictures,  dainty  bric-a-brac,  suggesting  elegance;  no 
bright  color,  or  any  hint  to  imbue  life  with  anything 
except  bare  necessities.  All  this  lack  was  made 
doubly  impressive  by  two  long  mirrors  which  repeated 
and  accentuated  the  forlorn  emptiness. 

So  I  led  Mr.  Starwell  to  talk  of  many  of  the  glori- 
fied truths  most  dear  to  me  with  a  solemn  manner, 
as  of  a  confidant  who  shares  a  secret,  which  was  sure 
to  flatter  him.  At  an  early  age  a  woman  learns  that 
a  man  is  most  entertained  when  he  may  talk  to  her 
of  himself. 

With  a  brain  full  of  oriental  imagery,  I  did  not 
miss  the  actual  things  that  society  women  depend 
upon  to  make  their  intercourse  more  attractive.  My 
mind's  scenario  supplied  everything  to  me  that 
pocketbook  or  circumstances  had  denied  me. 

That  his  interest  in  me  was  paramount  to  every 
other  consideration  was  a  strong  lever  that  I  feared 
would  raise  my  victory  over  him  into,  perhaps,  a  love 
for  him.  This  was  to  be  guarded  against.  I  did 
not  know  that  to  fight  love  is  to  add  new  legions  to 
its  militant  force,  and  that  it  "  grows  by  what  it 
feeds  on." 

No  one  will  ever  ride  a  hobby  horse  to  death.  A 
man  will  strive  to  hide  his  quixotism,  while  he  will 
never  disguise  a  boldness  that  is  only  weakness,  or  be 
able  to  conceal  the  fact  that  his  armor  is  only  tin; 

35 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

nor  deceive  anyone  into  applauding  a  mission  per- 
formed out  of  cheap  self-approval,  when  he  is  making 
love  to  a  calculating  woman. 

A  great  point  had  been  gained  in  reading  this  man's 
character,  by  learning  what  sort  of  a  woman  he 
thought  would  make  a  good  wife.  No  one  ever  mar- 
ries the  sort  of  person  that  he  pictures  to  himself  he 
will,  but  it  is  a  moral  certainty  that  we  are  aptly 
judged  according  to  what  we  think  is  virtue  in  others. 

At  the  end  of  his  short  call  Mr.  Starwell  gave  me 
credit  for  an  angelic  genuineness,  and  put  a  halo  on 
my  head  that  did  not  bring  a  blush  to  my  cheek,  for 
the  deception  only  delighted  me. 

As  I  prepared  to  go  to  bed  I  wondered  if  he 
would  ever  be  any  more  amusing  than  he  had  been 
to-night,  or  if  he  would  always  be  the  same  prosaic, 
sensible  fellow;  if  he  would  take  me  to  the  opera, 
and  how  many  roses  he  would  send  me  a  week,  and, 
most  important  of  all,  what  would  I  answer  to  him 
when  he  proposed,  which,  with  his  cold-blooded  na- 
ture, he  could  not  well  be  moved  to  do  except  by 
tactics  known  principally  to  tragic  queens. 

Generally  speaking  Mr.  Starwell  belonged  to  the 
type  of  man  who  marries  a  well-bred  woman  of  good 
family  and  certain  fortune  and  settles  down  in  a 
neatly  furnished  house,  in  order  to  bring  up  a  family 
of  well-behaved  children,  and  die  with  the  "  principal 
citizens  "  for  pallbearers,  leaving  behind  him  a  good 

36 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

name,  a  large  fortune,  and  a  widow  not  beyond  the 
possibilities  of  consolation.  In  one  particular  he 
would  find  in  me  a  checkmate,  for  the  flood-tide  of 
my  being  held  a  strong  undertow  against  such  com- 
monplaces as  stereotyped  love-making,  child-bearing, 
or  the  humdrum  of  domestic  life. 

Mr.  Starwell  would  make  a  prologue  to  the  com- 
ing drama,  when  a  real  man  would  appear,  who  could 
speak  to  me  across  far  waters;  a  man  with  whose 
soul  mine  would  have  mutual,  instantaneous  communi- 
cation; for  I  knew,  I  felt  his  existence.  My  being 
responded  to  the  thrill  of  his,  but  it  was  "  not  yet  to 
be  " —  We  might  not  meet  till  after  long,  dark  years 
of  nights  and  worlds  of  misery  had  been  passed,  but 
we  would  meet  some  time;  of  that  I  had  a  satisfied 
conviction. 


CHAPTER  V 

"  After  you  left,  our  lovely  room 
Seemed  like  a  casket  whence  the  soul  had  fled. 
I  stood  in  awful  and  appalling  gloom, 
The  world  seemed  empty,  and  all  joy  seemed  dead.' 


f  I  ^HE  tired  little  body  of  my  sainted  mother  be- 
•*•  came  by  her  prolonged  fever  a  complete  wreck. 
Her  busy  hands  now  lay  idle  in  her  lap,  her  large, 
hungering  eyes  stared  vacantly  after  me,  and  her 
thin,  blue  lips  never  curved  into  the  lovely  smile  that 
used  to  be  the  cheer  of  many  a  sad  heart.  Than  to 
see  her  thus  it  would  have  been  better  she  had  died. 
The  almost  insupportable  loneliness  of  separation  by 
death  that  we  struggle  so  hard  against  when  the  call 
comes,  is  not,  as  we  then  think,  the  most  difficult 
thing  to  bear. 

Mr.  Starwell,  with  his  constant  attentions,  put  a 
certain  balm  on  this  wound,  for  the  assiduous  devo- 
tion of  a  lover  can  do  much  toward  relieving  the  grief 
of  a  young  girl  when  her  mind  and  heart  are  just 
awakening  to  the  new  sensation  of  love.  So  for  three 

38 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

long  months  he  monopolized  me,  until  his  letters  and 
flowers  were  becoming  daily  necessities. 

My  relatives  began  to  make  arrangements  for  our 
wedding  by  discussing  what  they  would  wear,  and 
what  presents  they  would  give  me.  In  their  certainty 
they  turned  a  deaf  ear  to  my  denials  and  began 
to  consider  Mr.  Starwell  in  connection  with  my 
future. 

"  All  very  well,"  they  said,  "  but  when  a  man  with 
a  nose  like  that  of  Mr.  Starwell  starts  to  do  a  thing 
nothing  short  of  demise  will  prevent  him  from  ac- 
complishing his  purpose." 

"  Yes,  in  any  other  but  a  love  affair  that  might  be 
true,"  I  replied,  "  but  no  one  can  marry  me  against 
my  will.  Abduction  is  not  in  fashion  and  Mr.  Star- 
well  is  not  an  Arab  of  the  desert  but  an  ordinary 
citizen.  He  will  ask  me  to  marry  him  and  I  shall 
refuse,  or  put  off  the  marriage  for  several  years  until 
I  can  get  my  bearings,  or  see  someone  else  whom  I 
like  better;  but  if  not,  and  there  is  no  other  way,  then 
I  will  marry  him." 

One  aunt  seemed  to  be  the  Job  of  this  philosophy 
as  she  shook  her  head,  pursed  her  lips  into  a  hard 
knot,  and  said,  slowly  but  convincingly,  as  a  referee 
sure  of  his  ground,  and  who  should  not  be  doubted: 
"  You  count  without  your  host.  You  will  do  pretty 
nearly  as  he  says,  and  he  has  determined  to  marry 
you." 

39 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

After  this  felling  blow  to  my  pride,  in  my  self- 
assurance,  I  staggered  to  my  feet,  as  it  were,  to  see 
that  he  was  dominating  me  beyond  my  previous  per- 
ception of  the  fact.  Even  the  grief  for  my  mother's 
condition  was  lost  in  the  quiet  satisfaction  that  his 
mere  presence  gave  me. 

While  each  day  dawned  with  a  promise  to  myself 
that  this  predominance  would  not  last  long,  still  every 
other  interest  in  life  would  daily  fall,  obliterated  in 
this  quicksand.  Was  it  love  that  filled  the  earth  clear 
to  the  very  edge  of  the  rosy  horizon  of  an  endless 
future  ? 

One  day  my  father  demanded  as  his  paternal  right 
to.  hear  the  truth  about  a  subject  with  which  all  of 
his  friends  seemed  to  be  better  acquainted  than  he. 
His  ears  were  regaled  with  the  following : 

"  Of  course,  I  shall  not  marry  Mr.  Starwell  until 
I  am  twenty-four,  or  five,  years  old.  That  will  give 
me  plenty  of  time  to  be  tied  to  a  man  for  the  rest  of 
my  days.  I  believe  that  after  one  has  taken  some 
enjoyment  in  life  it  is  time  enough  to  consent  to  that 
yokedom.  Without  ever  having  traveled,  seen  the 
world  or  met  people,  never  to  be  able  to  accomplish 
anything  but  just  to  give  myself  up  to  the  common- 
place duty  of  being  a  slave  to  a  man,  and  a  mother 
to  his  children,  is  not  a  prospect  to  which  I  look 
forward.  To  be  a  renowned  actress  or  singer,  a 
novelist,  or  only  to  be  known  as  the  best  whip  in  the 

40 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

country,  would  be  accomplishing  something  but  to 
take  a  man's  name  to  be  a  '  thing '  merely,  dependent 
on  his  bounty,  or  greed,  is  more  than  any  of  my 
ancestors  have  given  me  courage  for.  In  short,  I 
must  be  somebody." 

There  was  a  silence,  in  which  father  remembered 
his  own  youth  with  its  dreams.  He  recrossed  his 
legs,  arid  with  a  readjustment  of  his  glasses  said: 
"If  that  is  the  way  you  think,  I  am  sorry,  for  a 
woman  ought  to  find  her  full  satisfaction  in  making 
her  home  a  heaven  on  earth  for  her  family.  By  that 
means  she  at  least  has  a  little  joy  that  she  may  not  be 
so  cocksure  of  otherwise." 

We  talked  for  hours.  He  tried  to  demonstrate 
how  love  should  be  the  only  motive  for  marrying, 
yet,  how  wise  a  thing  it  would  be  for  me  to  provide 
myself  with  a  rich  husband. 

While  this  was  a  new  note  to  my  mind,  it  was  of  no 
particular  importance  that  money  should  play  any 
part  in  this  question.  The  sweetest  of  all  things,  I 
fancied,  was  liberty.  Just  then  life  was  "  en  rapport  " 
with  everything  good  or  worth  while. 

It  seemed  a  fine  thing  to  show  to  the  world  the 
flattering  spectacle  of  the  "  catch  of  the  season " 
bending  the  knee  to  pigtails  and  a  country  experience. 
The  beginning  was  promising;  what  would  be  the 
grand,  noisy  finale? 

So  youth  with  its  rosy  cheeks,  a  small  repertoire 

41 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

of  French  songs,  and  a  sublime  egotism  descried  the 
future  success  beyond  all  bounds. 

The  "  eligible  party  "  of  the  season  had  not  been 
beguiled  by  the  smiling,  scheming  mammas  who  were 
in  pursuit  of  him  for  their  hothouse  buds,  the  conven- 
tional species  to  which  Mr.  Starwell  was  accustomed. 
Instead,  he  had  pursued  me,  of  his  own  accord,  a 
young  girl  without  a  label  or  market  price;  sans 
cicerone,  sans  chaperon. 

He  explained  one  day,  full  of  candor  as  he  always 
was,  that  I  was  a  delicious  experience  to  him  because 
he  found  in  me  a  rare  type  whose  originality  sur- 
prised and  entertained  him.  Brought  up  by  a  wid- 
owed mother,  he  had  lived  his  childhood  in  a  cottage 
home,  covered  by  honeysuckle  vines,  with  the  cool 
ocean  breezes  wafting  the  salt-sea  smells  to  his  cheeks 
and  nostrils.  Now,  with  his  tired  city  nerves,  he 
loved  to  think  of  those  sweet  but  hard-working  days, 
and  the  reveries  gave  a  fresh  renewal  of  life  that  put 
new  ideas  and  better  thoughts  into  his  brain.  With 
this  picture  in  mind  he  imagined  me  to  be  the  chief 
inspiration. 

While  he  never,  during  our  whole  courtship,  passed 
the  sacred  bounds  prescribed  by  strictest  propriety, 
yet,  from  the  first  his  manner  bespoke  a  sincere,  pas- 
sionate love,  too  complex  for  my  understanding.  It 
rather  awed  than  awakened  a  similar  passion  within 
me.  The  tone  of  his  voice,  his  whole  attitude  was 

42 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

particular  towards  me.  I  was  bound  up  in  my  own 
egotism,  lately  hatched  to  a  new  day  in  a  new  world  — 
I  longed  for  nothing.  It  was  enough.  There  is 
nothing  truer  than  the  axiom  that  at  twenty  we  want 
a  lover,  but  at  forty  we  want  love. 

Guilt  often  opens  our  eyes  to  love.  World-weary, 
satisfied  travelers,  we  are  brought  face  to  face  with 
it  toward  the  end  of  life. 

It  was  impossible  for  a  weakling  like  me,  suddenly 
coming  into  this  rainbow  circle,  to  be  indifferent  to 
him  or  to  escape  his  influence,  nor  did  I  really  wish 
to  try,  though  why  I  could  not  tell.  Still,  with  the 
best  tactics  known  in  my  meagre  code,  I  kept  him 
from  talking  of  love;  for  to  talk  about  love  is  one 
method  of  making  love,  as  we  cover  from  view  the 
live  wire  by  a  silken  thread. 

One  night  while  driving  home  from  the  opera  in 
a  carriage,  he  put  my  opera  cloak  close  about  me, 
as  he  said :  "  I  like  you  best  in  your  white  robes,  my 
queen,  my  lily."  Then,  raising  the  lace  scarf  from 
off  my  forehead  he  looked  at  me  long,  as  one  who 
thirsts  will  look  at  a  running  brook  of  cold  water. 
He  searched  for  his  message  —  he  thought  he  read 
his  answer,  for  breathing  in  my  ear  he  said :  "  Do 
not  look  at  me  so,  darling,  you  will  destroy  me;  not 
now,  not  now." 

As  I  saw  how  his  passion  was  eating  into  his  soul, 
guilt  made  me  afraid,  for  he  wanted  my  love.  There 

43 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

was  only  the  cold  glare  of  my  innocence  to  give; 
while  he  was  completely  conquered  by  his  passion  for 
me. 

My  nature  was  built,  and  still  remained  on  the  cool, 
everyday  plane  of  ambition,  and  I  asked  myself, 
"  Could  he  say  these  same  words  in  exactly  the  same 
way  if  he  were  to  come  to  see  me  in  the  morning 
dusting  the  parlor,  or  washing  the  dishes  ?  "  And 
some  dread  devil  whispered  to  me  that  by  a  strange 
alchemy  known  only  to  the  initiated,  the  rose  of  love 
could  be  killed  root  and  branch  by  that  ceremony 
called  marriage. 


44 


CHAPTER    VI 

"  Besides,  incentives  come  from  the  soul's  self, 
The  rest  avail  not.     Why  do  I  need  you?  " 


A  T  last  it  had  come.  Mr.  Starwell  demanded,  by 
•**•  right  of  three  months'  assiduous  attention,  to 
be  heard.  Hints  or  suggestions  had  no  effect.  He 
would  like  to  see  me  Thursday  evening. 

Looking  forward  to  the  great  event  when  a  man 
should  propose  to  me  I  returned  home  early  from  a 
dinner  with  old  friends  to  find  him  and  my  father 
talking  together,  and  while  leisurely  taking  off  my 
things  I  noted  the  difference  between  the  two  men. 

Through  all  my  life  my  father's  high  esteem  had 
been  sufficient  reward.  It  seemed  best,  according  to 
his  view,  for  me  to  marry  this  man;  we  would  see, 
perhaps  a  compromise  of  some  sort  might  be  made. 

The  contrast  between  my  father  and  Mr.  Starwell 
was  startlingly  great.  My  father  had  a  sentimental 
nature,  was  an  idealist;  poetic  as  a  youth  who  had 
breathed  his  first  fancy  to  the  stars;  always  ready 
to  meet  the  difficulties  in  his  way  with  light  wit  and 
banter,  and  with  that  sanguine  temperament  that 

45 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

paints  all  things  in  a  rosy  hue.  Heroically  tall,  hand- 
some, with  that  muscular,  shapely  strength  that  few 
men  retain  after  their  lusty  youth  has  passed;  with 
an  artistic  sense,  finely  sensitive;  a  great  heart,  gen- 
erous beyond  all  reason ;  and  without  too  much  respect 
for  his  own  hard-earned  money,  he  had  a  strong  incli- 
nation to  especially  favor  the  gentle  sex,  which  was 
an  attitude  entirely  alluring  to  all  women  except  his 
own  wife.  Unmethodical,  he  trusted  to  a  watchful 
Providence  for  the  honesty  and  good  treatment  which 
he  seldom  received.  He  would  rather  talk  about  the 
beauty  of  nature,  the  songs  of  birds,  or  a  pretty 
woman's  ankle,  than  stocks  and  bonds,  the  condition 
of  trade  or  the  price  of  potatoes,  so  that  men,  with 
a  look  of  disgusted  boredom,  generally  left  him  to 
talk  to  the  women,  whom  he  flattered  to  a  nicety, 
while  he  quoted  poetry. 

The  large  aquiline  nose  of  Mr.  Starwell,  as  my 
aunt  had  said,  was  the  feature  by  which  one  was  most 
inclined  to  judge  him,  while  his  keen,  quick  eyes, 
narrow,  small  mouth,  thin  cheeks  and  high  forehead 
were  not  false  indications  of  a  commercial,  practical 
spirit,  trained  from  an  adamant  bed-rock  of  Yankee 
origin.  His  hard,  staccato  tones,  tuned  to  a  low 
pitch,  were  of  the  dried,  business-integrity  quality 
that  could  calmly  tell  an  errand  boy  whom  he  was 
discharging  for  whistling  that  "  he  only  wasted  time 
and  energy  in  such  operatic  feats  that  were  better 

46 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

indulged  in  after  business  hours."  There  was  not  a 
trace  of  that  liquid  quality  in  his  voice  that  seems 
to  accord  with  a  penchant  for  illicit  amours,  or  a 
sudden  plunge  into  a  fascinating  indiscretion,  which 
I  had  watched  for  but  never  once  heard.  More  than 
one  man's  fate  in  my  life,  has  depended  upon  the 
timbre  of  his  voice  as  I  heard  it  speaking  in  casual 
tones  to  another  person. 

Carefully  he  helped  me  to  take  off  my  wraps,  while 
he  looked  at  me  very  much  as  he  might  examine  a 
new  grade  of  cloth  presented  for  his  decision  as  to 
its  market  value.  Withdrawing  from  the  room  my 
father  left  the  field  clear. 

As  a  Buddhist  approaches  his  idol  to  worship,  with 
the  incense  in  his  hand,  so  Mr.  Starwell  quietly  ap- 
proached me,  took  a  paper  from  his  pocket,  looked 
at  the  clock  in  a  "  just  time  to  catch  the  train  "  kind 
of  way,  and  then  began  to  read  a  paper  which  pur- 
ported to  be  a  proposal  for  my  hand  and  heart. 

Recovering  from  the  first  surprise  of  this  method 
of  avowal  I  heard  him  say :  "  Your  sweet  gentleness 
has  completely  won  my  heart.  Your  lovely  char- 
acter and  fine  mind  would  be  the  foundation  of  a 
happiness  that  it  would  be  my  life's  effort  to  make 
complete,  should  you  become  my  wife.  Nothing  in 
the  world  seems  worth  living  for  if  you  refuse  me. 
Ever  since  I  rode  beside  you  on  that  memorable  day 
I  have  felt  the  difference  it  makes  when  you  are  not 

47 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

by  my  side.  My  heart  would  be  empty  if  you  went 
from  me,  for  you  completely  fill  it." 

From  this  short  passage  he  went  on  at  length  to 
give  me  the  figures  of  his  financial  condition,  all  of 
which  was  incomprehensible  to  me,  for  I  knew  noth- 
ing of  finance  or  business  and  therefore  could  take 
no  interest  in  the  amounts  he  had  so  carefully  checked 
up,  but  my  conclusion  was  that  he  must  be  a  very 
rich  man. 

He  looked  at  me  for  a  response.  "Never  before  had 
I  felt  so  hopeless  and  young,  it  was  so  different  from 
what  any  young  girl  might  have  expected.  It  seemed 
to  my  untutored  experience  that  a  man  and  woman 
clasped  in  each  other's  arms,  with  whispered  words 
hushed  by  a  kiss,  was  the  lover's  holy  way  of  sealing 
such  a  compact,  and  that  hearts  spoke  such  truths  to 
each  other  without  the  uttered  word,  much  less  the 
written.  A  sort  of  instinct  about  love  makes  all 
things  easy  to  understand  to  the  average  man  or 
woman,  but  a  formal  statement,  with  the  addition  of 
financial  accounts,  ought  to  be  settled  by  a  go- 
between. 

This  mode  of  dealing  with  me  made  me  feel  like 
a  silent  partner  in  a  transaction  that  affected  my  inter- 
ests, that  seemed  to  need  another  "  board  meeting," 
with  an  "  adjournment  "  for  the  present. 

Then  he  took  my  hand.  I  blushed  and  trembled. 
All  the  theatrical  attitudes  that  I  had  thought  of  a 

48 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

thousand  times  to  be  fitted  for  this  occasion,  together 
with  my  imaginary  fine  speeches  were  forgotten.  No 
newly  hatched  chicken  just  peeping  out  into  a  strange 
world  of  huge  barking  monsters  and  two-legged 
giants  could  have  acted  sillier  or  with  less  composure 
than  I  did,  far  afield  of  the  bravery  line.  The  con- 
descension of  an  old  hen's  cluck,  bringing  comfort 
and  self-control  to  the  little  fledgling,  would  have 
been  music  indeed. 

Helplessly  I  looked  about.  Oh,  if  only  he  and  my 
father  had  settled  it.  At  last,  confusedly  I  stam- 
mered, "  I  am  just  eighteen  and  I  do  not  think  of 
marrying  until  I  am  twenty- four  or  twenty-five;  I 
have  promised  my  father  not  to  marry,  and  really  I 
could  not  think  of  it." 

This  stammering,  ineffable  lie  had,  however,  an 
entirely  different  effect  on  Mr.  Starwell  from  what 
I  had  expected,  for  he  wildly  took  me  in  his  arms 
and  held  me  till  his  heart-throbs  against  my  breast 
fairly  hurt  me,  and  kissed  me  until  the  darkness,  com- 
bined with  the  rush  of  heretofore  bridled  passion, 
wearied  me. 

Yet,  the  humble  confession  must  be  made  that  his 
enfolding  arms  gave  me  a  new,  sweet  sense  of  his 
protecting  goodness  to  me,  and  when  he  led  me  to 
the  sofa,  we  sat  clasped  in  each  other's  arms  while  I 
listened  patiently  to  his  wooing. 

Finally  he  bade  me  good-night,  saying  he  would 

49 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

come  again  the  next  evening,   when  I  promised  to 
be  at  home. 

He  had  said  something  about  our  mutual  happi- 
ness but,  as  I  knelt  at  the  foot  of  my  bed  to  say  my 
nightly  orison,  I  fervently  and  hopefully  prayed  that 
some  way,  not  too  disagreeable,  might  open  for  ridding 
me  of  this  ogre,  so  pleasantly  termed  the  "bond  of 
marriage." 


CHAPTER    VII 

Fly  your  kite,  if  you  please,  out  of  sight; 
Let  it  go  where  it  will  in  the  breeze, 
But  cut  not  the  one  thread  by  which  it  is  bound, 
Be  it  never  so  high,  to  this  poor  human  ground. 
******* 

No  man  is  the  absolute  lord  of  his  life." 


A  S  the  door  had  closed  upon  Mr.  Starwell,  the  tall, 
•**•  broad-shouldered  figure  of  my  father  was  out- 
lined by  the  light  of  the  library  at  the  end  of  the  hall, 
as  he  almost  filled  the  doorway.  He  had  been  wait- 
ing for  me  to  describe  the  visit. 

From  long-time  habit,  we  were  used  to  sitting  in 
the  library  far  into  the  night  to  discuss  the  events 
of  the  day,  as  we  sipped  a  glass  of  sherry,  or  cham- 
pagne, and  munched  crackers  or  cake  after  a  theatre 
party  or  late  ball.  We  took  this  opportunity,  in  a 
cozy,  mutual  confidence,  to  philosophize  about  life  and 
vocalize  our  contempt  of  the  vanity  of  this  frivolous 
world,  while  we  praised  each  other,  and  then  clasped 
hands  and  went  off  to  bed  with  the  righteous  convic- 
tion that  if  any  two  people  on  this  terrestrial  globe 

51 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

were  perfect  we  could  line  up  with  clear  conscience  to 
answer,  "  Here,"  should  Gabriel  blow  his  horn  and 
ask  us. 

My  father  had  what  the  Italians  understand,  but 
few  Americans  comprehend,  the  "  dolce  far  niente  " 
sort  of  nature,  with  a  strong  tendency  to  agree  with 
Omar  Khayyam  in  his  Rubaiyat.  He  despised  sham, 
or  any  kind  of  an  unfair  deal.  Too  careless  of  his 
own  interests  to  stoop  to  the  "  bother  "of  telling  lies 
or  employing  the  petty  deceits  that  most  men  con- 
sider necessary  to  live  by,  his  devotion  to  business 
had  dwarfed  his  nature  less  than  any  man  of  his 
acquaintance,  or  any  whom  I  have  ever  known,  and 
his  frankness  had  the  great  merit  of  eliciting  it  from 
others. 

"  What  had  Starwell  to  say  ?  "  he  asked,  with  an 
unusual  interest  in  his  tone  and  manner,  as  he  stretched 
himself  at  length  on  a  favorite  Persian  divan. 

I  guessed  by  this  sign  that  we  were  to  have  an 
extra  long  session ;  also  that  "  the  speaker  in  the 
chair  "  would  give  a  not  too  abbreviated  dissertation 
on  love,  because  it  was  his  favorite  topic,  and  one 
upon  which  he  was  ascribed  as  knowing  more  about 
than  most  any  man  in  town.  He  seemed  to  wish  to' 
preface  my  remarks  with  the  usual  harangue,  which 
had  not  the  charm  of  novelty  in  my  ears,  but  with 
polite  determination  I  waited  until  he  should  again 
ask  the  question,  which  he  did. 

52 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

;<  You  have  not  accepted  him,  have  you?  Of 
course,  you  must  be  your  own  judge  in  an  affair 
of  the  heart,  but  do  you  love  him,  or  do  you  know 
what  constitutes  love  ?  " 

I  replied,  "  Mr.  Starwell  declares  that  he  cannot 
live  without  me,  and  that  seemed  to  him  to  be  the 
most  important  part  of  the  situation,  but  meant  as 
much  to  me  as  a  logarithm  would  mean  to  a  fish. 
He  says  that  he  is  unworthy  of  me  but  that  he  will 
try  to  make  me  happy.  He  told  me  how  much  he 
was  worth  —  he  must  be  a  very  rich  man  —  and  that 
it  should  all  be  mine,  his  wealth,  you  know." 

My  father  ran  his  tapering  fingers  through  his 
thick  hair,  showing  by  his  manner  that  he  was  con- 
scious of  my  woeful  lack  of  appreciation  or  sympathy 
with  the  man's  heart  while  I  was  so  happily  glib  about 
his  pocketbook. 

"Tell  me,  daughter,  how  do  you  feel  about  it? 
Will  you  marry  him  ?  " 

I  was  obliged  to  choke  down  a  lot  of  radical  heresy 
but  to  please  my  father  I  had  to  voice  his  ideas.  With 
me  the  question  was  not  so  much  of  being  able  to 
live  without  Mr.  Starwell  as  how  I  could  expect  to 
be  happy  when  I  considered  that  such  an  alliance 
would  last  a  lifetime.  The  question  in  my  mind  then 
was,  how  any  man,  if  it  did  not  concern  his  earning 
a  living  for  her,  could  be  necessary  to  a  woman,  as 
Mr.  Starwell  had  said  I  was  to  him. 

53 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

The  bored  look  of  married  people  when  in  each 
other's  society  was  familiar  to  me.  The  old  woman 
with  the  young  husband,  the  old  husband  and  young 
wife;  each  with  similar  trials  of  jealousy  and  nag- 
ging. The  poor  artist  with  an  extravagant  soubrette, 
the  coarse  business  man  with  the  pale-faced  club 
woman,  or  even  the  young  birdlings  who  find  the 
dream  too  short.  The  note  most  dominant  in  the 
hymeneal  harmony  to  my  short  sight  was,  that 
the  novelty  soon  passed.  The  razor  edge  of  a  roman- 
tic wooing  is  too  fine  during  courtship  to  endure  the 
wear  and  tear  of  a  practical  existence  of  the  two  beings 
bound  to  eat,  sleep,  and  if  need  be,  die  together. 

"  Marriage  is  a  good  thing  for  a  woman,"  said  my 
father,  "  especially  under  favorable  conditions.  You 
will  realize  this  more  fully  as  your  journey  over  the 
road  is  hazardous,  or  towards  the  end,  when  the 
shadows  grow  longer.  Money  plays  an  important 
part  in  life,  it  is  well  to  have  enough  of  it.  If  this 
man  is  not  at  all  objectionable  to  you,  I  advise  you 
to  marry  him." 

This  attitude  of  my  father  rather  surprised  me, 
but  it  was  a  far  more  comforting,  sensible  conclusion 
than  I  had  expected  of  him  when  he  started  out 
gilding  the  relationship  of  two  souls  bound  up  together 
in  that  white  parchment  edition  de  luxe  an  ideal 
marriage  of  two  young  things  wholly  absorbed  in  the 
welfare  of  each  other. 

54 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

It  was  a  depressing  evening,  altogether,  for,  as  a 
novice  learning  to  swim  goes  for  the  first  time  into 
deep  water  alone,  the  shivering  reality  was  brought 
home  to  me  that  this  would  have  to  be  decided  for 
myself  by  myself.  My  dreams  had  been  of  pink 
cupids  who  caught  me  in  bridal  wreaths  of  floating 
clouds  of  tulle  and  bore  me  to  a  happy  land  where 
there  was  no  marriage  or  giving  in  marriage,  but  only 
faithful  hearts  full  of  love,  and  good  fellowship,  and 
all  beautiful  thoughts  that  made  the  idle  days  perfect 
—  into  that  Nirvana  of  blessed  nothingness  — 
oblivion. 


55 


CHAPTER   VIII 
The  world,  and  life,  's  too  big  to  pass  for  a  dream.' 


TVyTY  mother  had  always  given  me  splendid  advice 
•*•*•*•  as  to  how  to  shape  life  worthily  and  nobly,  to 
have  high  aims  and  to  be  unselfishly  employed.  When 
she  talked  to  me  of  marriage  she  had  said :  "  It  is  all 
a  lottery,  the  woman  is  the  one  sacrificed.  If  you 
wish  to  exchange  freedom  from  care  and  responsi- 
bility, with  an  untrammeled  spirit,  for  a  master  who 
puts  upon  you  constantly  increasing  burdens  as  the 
years  go  by,  then  do  not  ever  blame  me  for  your 
folly.  A  woman  not  only  has  to  bring  children  into 
the  world  but,  usually,  she  must  re-create  both  her 
husband  and  herself  before  she  can  adjust  herself 
to  the  new  condition  of  things."  As  though  her 
psychic  sense  saw  my  confused,  controverted 
thoughts,  she  explained :  "  No  woman  ever  marries 
the  man  she  thinks  she  does.  We  are  too  eager  to 
make  a  good  impression  out  of  a  bad  reality.  Young 
people  believe  in  affinity  and  all  that  sort  of  starlight, 
which  it  is  well  for  the  world  that  they  can  believe 
in,  but  such  ideas  are  mostly  exploited  by  folk  who 

56 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

are  experienced  in  the  grafter's  art  of  one  kind  or 
another.  It  is  the  law  that  requires  the  sacrifice  of 
the  individual  for  the  good  of  the  race,  and  the  brunt 
and  blame  of  all  this  foolhardiness  mostly  falls  to 
the  lot  of  womanhood." 

As  I  looked  earnestly  at  her,  thinking  the  while 
of  the  uncomplaining  self-sacrifice  in  her  own  mar- 
ried life,  she  continued,  sadly,  "  Do  not  look  at  me 
reproachfully,  for  I  do  not  want  to  influence  anyone 
against  marriage  who  has  a  desire  for  it." 

The  golden  part  of  my  freedom  and  youth  had 
flashed  by  in  three  months  and  the  time  had  come 
when  there  must  be  a  decision,  for  Mr.  Starwell  had 
established  himself  as  my  lover,  with  all  a  lover's 
privileges.  He  was  proclaiming  his  happiness  to  his 
club  friends  —  who  were  ordering  things  at  the  silver- 
smiths and  having  designs  prepared  for  loving-cups 
for  him. 

Women  —  rich,  charming  women  —  were  lying  in 
ambush  to  tell  him  how  surprised  they  were  that  so 
unsophisticated  and  insignificant  a  woman  could  please 
so  superior  a  man,  giving  him  their  confidence  and 
hinting  that  if  ever  he  needed  solace  in  his  lonely 
future  he  would  always  find  a  welcome  place  beside 
their  hearthstones. 

He  took  my  mild  resistance  for  maidenly  reserve. 
The  lie  I  was  living  was  too  tremendous  for  even  my 
own  comprehension.  Still,  at  times  conscience  seemed 

57 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

involved  in  my  decision  and  I  felt  like  a  customer 
who  fears  she  is  buying  a  thing  too  dear  for  her 
purse,  and  a  true  instinct  told  me  I  would  pay  a  heavy 
price  for  a  thing  not  wanted. 

My  increasing  reticence  only  goaded  him  to  impa- 
tience as  he  urged  me  to  set  the  day  for  the  mar- 
riage. It  was  hard  for  me  to  say  "yes,"  yet  it  was 
as  difficult  to  send  so  large  a  check  to  protest.  It 
was  beginning  to  dawn  upon  me  that  the  out-of -reach 
things  are  the  things  that  we  must  have  to  complete 
our  self -content. 

The  usual  thing  while  we  are  young  is  that  we 
believe  devoutly  in  love;  that  is,  until  we  beseech  the 
strange  gods;  before  our  dead  ideals  make  us  indif- 
ferent and  hard,  or  a  desolate  altar  makes  us  curse 
God  and  die. 

All  the  competing  belles  and  dowagers  dropping  out 
of  line,  believed  my  indifference  to  this  so-called  "  suc- 
cess "  to  be  a  pose.  They  said  that  for  a  school-girl, 
without  opportunity  or  future  hope,  or  chaperon,  to 
put  on  such  airs  was  ridiculous. 

To  my  pleadings  that  we  wait  a  few  years  Mr. 
Starwell  would  always  reply,  "  We  will  marry  now 
or  never,"  with  the  curt,  business-like  tone  by  which 
he  always  subdued  my  mild  protests. 

I  longed  to  tell  him  —  yet  never  had  the  courage 
to  —  that  what  he  thought  was  white,  was  black; 
that  insincerity  and  lies  were  as  truth  to  him.  I 

58 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

prayed  to  God,  and  trusted  to  my  luck  to  release  me 
from  the  meshes  he  wound  around  me. 

He  thought  me  to  be  a  plain,  simple  school-girl 
who  was  fond  of  him,  and  who  was  willing  to  be 
his  slave,  and  did  not  suspect  me  to  be  the  jumble 
of  inconsistencies  which  later  he  found  me  to  be. 
Always  successful  in  his  business  undertakings  he  never 
dreamed  of  a  possible  repulse  in  his  first  amour.  He 
did  not  realize  that  love  must  come  of  itself  —  that  it 
cannot  be  forced  or  cajoled ;  neither  did  he  know  that 
the  heart  must  be  primed  for  receiving  the  sacred 
spark.  This  he  was  not  ideal  nor  sensitive  enough 
to  know;  nor  that  the  waiting,  the  longing,  and  suf- 
fering heart  oftenest  craves  a  lover.  He  had  always 
coveted  a  new,  untried  heart;  he  had  found  one  and 
his  simple  nature  knew  no  further  necessity.  He 
knew  nothing  of  the  complexity  of  a  philandering 
heart.  Some  women  are  born  coquettes,  which  is  not 
saying  that  they  are  born  dishonest,  but  it  is  one  way 
of  spelling  their  inordinate  vanity. 

I  had  accepted  his  favors  as  a  matter  of  course, 
without  laying  stress  on  the  fact  that  my  every  wish 
had  been  anticipated  and  gratified.  Every  offering 
that  his  love  devised  I  had  accepted,  thinking  more  of 
my  manner  of  accepting  them  than  of  him  or  the 
thoughtful  care  that  had  prompted  them.  Could  it  be 
possible  that  this  thin,  blue-eyed,  white-faced  man 
took  himself,  and  me,  seriously? 

59 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

There  were  many  ways  of  explaining  myself  to 
others,  but  modesty  forbade  me  from  showing  myself 
to  him  as  I  really  was. 

He  finally  cajoled  me  to  set  the  day  for  our  wed- 
ding. The  slim  excuses  brought  against  our  mar- 
riage did  not  avail  and,  possessed  of  a  disposition  to 
swim  with  the  tide,  it  was  always  easier  to  accept 
conditions  with  terms  of  peace,  than  to  refuse  them 
with  war  declared.  Then,  too,  I  felt  that,  in  the  lan- 
guage of  the  world,  this  marriage  would  give  me  the 
"  grand  entree  "  into  a  society  above  that  of  the  ordi- 
nary, egotistical  persons  about  me  who  believed  in 
the  large  lion's  share  for  themselves.  Not  endowed 
with  the  virtue  of  those  thrown  outside  the  social 
order,  that  is  expressed  as  "  honesty  of  the  galleys," 
my  egotism  rested  secure  in  his  persistent,  blind  ado- 
ration, as  I  proudly  named  his  devotion.  He  evidently 
intended  to  "  monopolize  "  me,  as  he  termed  it.  Even 
in  our  silly  lovers'  prattle  there  was  the  hallmark  of 
a  man's  nature  to  possess,  accompanied  by  his  idea 
of  a  woman  anxious  to  be  possessed,  submission. 

As  yet  I  knew  nothing  of  the  great  wealth  there 
is  in  life  when  love  comes  into  it,  for  I  still  lived 
within  the  hard  mussel  shell  that  shut  in  my  narrow 
existence.  None  of  the  men  about  me  could  in  any 
way  replace  Mr.  Starwell  in  the  affection  that  his  pur- 
suit and  assiduous  attentions  had  brought  forth,  but 
yet  this  commercialism  of  holding  one  man  as  a  lover 

60 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

till,  possibly,  a  more  eligible  one  should  appear  brought 
a  blush  to  my  cheek,  but  that  was  all. 

He  prevailed  over  all  my  weak  objections,  and 
rented  a  house,  which  he  enthusiastically  commenced 
to  furnish,  without  suggestions  from  me. 

To  any  demur  of  mine  he  would  say:  "You  little 
termagant,  the  charm  would  be  gone  if  we  waited. 
Let  me  show  you  the  world,  it  is  not  a  place  for  a 
woman  like  you  to  be  alone  in.  You  need  a  pro- 
tector, a  husband,  who,  with  his  arms  about  you  and 
his  heart  yours,  will  show  you  what  a  paradise  it 
may  be  with  love  to  hallow  the  common  things  in  it, 
and  throw  the  magic  veil  of  love  and  kindness  about 
you.  Believe  me,  dearest,  without  this  you  would 
become  a  sad,  lonely  woman.  Your  child  heart  is  not 
awakened,  but  I  long  to  take  it,  make  it  mine,  nurture 
it  and  see  it  blossom  grandly  to  all  the  things  that  are 
most  dear  to  me." 

He  said,  "Love  is  the  only  valuable  thing  in  life, 
dear.  Subtract  it  from  ourselves  and  where  would 
we  turn  to  find  the  beautiful,  the  satisfying  things? 
My  life  will  be  devoted  to  you." 

As  one  who  hears  an  unknown  tongue  I  listened 
to  this  new  language,  that  meant  nothing  to  my 
bounding,  careless  youth.  As  a  worm  that  can- 
not calculate  beyond  the  leaf  upon  which  it  finds  its 
subsistence,  there  seemed  to  be  no  more  reason  why 
I  should  love  Mr.  Starwell  than  —  well,  for  instance, 

61 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

why  he  should  not  love  me.  There  is  no  use  in  trying 
to  answer  this  argumentative  Janus,  I  thought  impa- 
tiently. If  he  has  found  his  golden  fleece,  it  is  best 
to  let  the  miracle  perform  itself.  It  surely  would. 
Something  was  bound  to  "  happen,"  for  my  prayers 
were  as  devout  as  the  anonymous  invocation  of  a  pious, 
newly-enlightened  heathen : 

"  Asked,  or  unasked,  things  good,  great  Jove  supply. 
Things  evil,  though  we  ask  for  them,  deny." 

The  running,  seething  lava  bed  of  love  and  passion 
that  the  novelists  write  about  was  to  me  merely  as 
light  is  to  the  blind. 


62 


CHAPTER   IX 

"Short  is  the  rose's  bloom,  and  another  morn 
Will  show  no  rose,  but  in  its  stead  a  thorn." 


MY  dear  Kate: 
Will  you  favor  us  again  a  week  from  to- 
morrow evening,  April  eleventh,  at  the  Newsboys' 
Home?  They  were  all  so  wildly  interested  in  you 
last  time,  and  have  been  clamoring  for  '  de  lady  who 
made  us  laff.'  Read  the  humorous  things  and  sing 
the  songs  you  know  so  well  please  the  boys.  It  is  a 
very  bright  spot  in  their  lives,  these  hours  that  you 
give  them,  and  God  will  surely  bless  you  for  your 
kindness. 

Please  send  the  titles  of  your  numbers ;  also  ask 
any  friends  who  might  be  interested  in  the  work. 

Sincerely, 

N ANNETTE   HARK. 

I  gave  this  letter  to  Mr.  Starwell,  saying :  "  Have 
you  ever  taken  part  in  charity  bazaars?  They  are 
my  chief  occupation.  I  would  like  to  have  you  go 
with  me  and  talk  to  the  boys  about  how  to  succeed, 
or  how  to  become  rich,  though  it  might  bore  you." 

63 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

Suddenly  his  face  clouded  and  looking  at  me  with 
an  expression  I  had  never  seen  before,  he  said 
coldly : 

"  It  is  not  best  for  you  to  appear  in  public  if  you 
wish  to  please  me.  A  woman  never  gains  any  of  the 
world's  respect  by  appearing  before  it  as  a  puppet. 
You  amuse  them,  they  pay  for  the  pleasure,  but  a 
forfeiture  is  demanded  of  the  one  who  so  conde- 
scends." 

"  Condescends !  "  I  cried,  "  why,  my  dear,  there 
is  nothing  of  the  sort,  it's  a  question  of  a  few  home- 
less waifs  to  be  cheered,  their  little  sordid  lives  to 
be  brightened;  maybe  a  song  or  two  will  do  them 
good.  Who  knows  how  their  young  souls  may  long 
for  a  happiness  they  cannot  get  amid  low,  brutal 
associates." 

"  Oh,  well,"  he  replied,  "  I  was  a  poor  boy  once, 
but  I  owe  nothing  to  society  girls  singing  to  me." 

"  Now  you  are  —  well,  you  had  a  mother,  a  good 
one,  for  all  real,  good  men  have  owed  more  than  even 
the  best  of  them  admit  to  their  mothers,"  I  said,  "  but 
these  poor  boys  are  homeless." 

"  Oh,  their  mothers !  the  better  they  were  the  fewer 
are  the  heroics  written  of  them.  Truth  before  favor, 
the  weakness  of  men,  but  we  are  getting  into  a  dis- 
pute for  which  there  is  no  reason.  Listen,  my  dear, 
you  are  getting  obstreperous,  you  are  miles  away 
from  me." 

64 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

I  thought  a  moment,  trying  to  understand  him,  and 
then  said,  "Don't  you  think  a  voice  is  a  divine  gift? 
Can  a  woman  ignore  such  a  possession  ?  Is  it  right  to 
refuse  to  give  the  pleasure  of  a  few  beautiful  songs  to 
these  outcast  children,  who  hear  only  the  hurdy-gurd- 
ies and  ribald  songs  in  the  saloons  ?  Would  you  deny 
a  little  attention  to  children  who  never  know  kindness, 
let  alone  the  petting  that  other  little  ones  are  sur- 
feited with  by  overfond  parents?  Condescend!  why, 
have  you  ever  seen  their  little  faces  light  up,  or  have 
you  heard  them  gayly  whistle  the  refrain  as  they  kept 
time  with  their  feet  and  hands  in  a  wondrous,  strained 
delight  at  hearing  good  music  ?  Little  faces  hardened 
by  sin,  begrimed  with  dirt;  many  of  them  case-har- 
dened or  foolish;  reared  as  criminals,  and  yet  many 
of  them  grow  up  as  useful  citizens.  Can  you  say  it 
is  wrong  or  vain  to  sing  ditties  to  these  and  give  them 
one  pleasant  thing  to  look  back  upon  in  their  desolate, 
lonely  childhood  ?  " 

Not  choosing  his  words  but  stabbing  carelessly  at 
my  illusions,  he  said  sourly :  "  It  would  be  better  to 
pay  for  having  that  sort  of  thing  done.  You  are  my 
— •  well,  we  are  soon  to  be  married,  then  you  will  not 
be  allowed  to  do  such  a  thing,  for  I  will  not  have  it." 

He  was  terribly  in  earnest,  his  words  were  a  sting- 
ing reproof,  and  sounded  as  if  he  would  bully  me. 
Keeping  back  the  words  that  were  persistently  deter- 
mined on  being  said  I  hurried  away  from  the  ground 

65 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

that  tempted  me  to  argue  with  him,  saying :  "  A  kind 
word  or  a  gentle  look  may  save  a  soul,  may  become 
a  source  of  goodness  to  vibrate  through  all  eternity. 
To  smother  a  good  impulse  might  be  the  first  step 
to  a  downward  course.  You  said  once  that  you  never 
refused  money  to  charity.  That  is  fine  and  I  appre- 
ciate it,  but  money  is  not  all  the  saving  grace  there 
is.  Christ  taught  that  a  cup  of  cold  water,  or  any 
good,  however  slight,  that  came  within  our  power  to 
do,  would  be  counted  greater  than  the  blazoned  mil- 
lion-dollar gift,  donated  for  the  eclat  or  acclaim  of 
the  thing. 

"  It  is  the  deed  inspired  by  an  innate  generosity,  not 
the  money  doled  from  the  pocketbook,  mostly  in- 
spired by  selfishness,  that  counts  and  that  is  our 
reward.  Our  moral  philosophy  at  school  used  to  say 
'  the  crime  of  a  deed  lay  in  what  the  motive  was  that 
fathered  it.'  God  commands  us  to  keep  our  hearts 
pure,  he  does  not  say  keep  your  purse  filled.  Pay, 
pay  for  a  song  sung  to  those  boys!  The  chink  of 
the  coin  might  drown  out  the  music  for  them.  Their 
perceptions  are  keen  and  their  instincts  sure." 

Hesitating  in  my  excitement  to  watch  his  face,  I 
was  convinced  that  this  sermon  was  to  deaf  ears, 
determined  not  to  listen. 

"  You  may  put  on  this  armor  against  all  entreaty, 
but  if  you  go  to  war,  you  will  have  to  do  all  the  fight- 
ing. I  know  you  would  enjoy  seeing  these  little 

66 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

gamins  with  their  wondering  smile  and  their  queer 
little  gallantries,"  I  said. 

"  Dirty  newsboys  do  not  interest  me  in  the  least. 
If  they  have  to  be  sung  to  and  elocutionized,  I  will 
pay  the  best  artist  procurable  to  do  it,  but  certainly 
no  one  shall  witness  my  wife  making  such  a  spectacle 
of  herself." 

"Wife!  I  am  not  yet  your  wife,  and  you  are 
assuming  a  good  deal  in  taking  such  strong  measures 
in  thus  defying  my  pet  fads  on  the  eve  of  our  mar- 
riage." 

''  You  mean  it  all  for  the  best,"  he  said  relentlessly, 
"  but,  of  course,  you  cannot  know  how  strongly 
opposed  I  am  to  that  sort  of  thing.  As  a  lover  I  ask 
you  to  renounce  it.  The  position  we  hold  to  each 
other,  my  age,  and  sincere  wish  for  your  happiness 
all  tend  not  to  make  this  seem  to  be  an  aggressive 
demand  on  my  part  but  merely  my  right  as  your  future 
husband,  and  your  pleasure  in  pleasing  me.  We  are 
so  soon  to  be  married  that  we  might  practice  some 
forbearance  beforehand." 

This  made  me  wince.  Observing  that  a  conflict  of 
emotions  was  going  on  in  my  mind,  he  said : 

"  Kate,  dearest,  be  all  mine,  do  not  make  me  share 
you  with  a  gaping,  foolish  public." 

But,  the  iron  had  been  struck  —  the  die  cast,  we 
crossed  hands  over  a  chasm. 

Professing  fatigue,  and  a  wish  to  retire  early,  he 
67 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

soon  left  me,  with  tender  assurances  of  his  affec- 
tion. 

As  I  went  to  my  room  I  thought  to  myself,  "If 
he  objects  to  my  just  singing  a  few  songs  to  the  boys 
at  the  Home,  what  will  he  say  to  my  taking  part  in 
the  play  we  are  rehearsing?" 

From  infancy  all  values  had  come  to  me  through 
the  medium  of  my  voice.  To  pour  out  my  fresh,  pas- 
sionate soul  in  melody  that  had  set  audiences  wild 
was  to  me  more  than  meat  and  drink.  Applause  never 
failed  to  follow  my  efforts.  Flowers  were  showered 
upon  me;  almost  fulsome  praise  dealt  to  me.  My 
self-sufficiency  had  been  nourished  to  a  dangerous 
degree. 

In  those  days  all  life  was  a  song  to  me.  Even 
religion,  to  which  my  soul  devoutly  knelt,  was  a  song ; 
it  was  the  interpretation  of  all  things.  Now,  wan- 
dering along  the  road  happy  in  this  assurance,  sud- 
denly a  wall  of  disapproval  barred  my  path  —  to  what  ? 
to  everything  that  I  had  hugged  to  my  heart  as  most 
dear. 

He  had  ordered  me  to  let  fall  the  bright  burden 
of  flowery  color  and  perfume,  and  take  up  the  gray 
cloak  of  his  authority,  dress  myself  in  it,  obey  only 
his  wish,  put  my  own  desires  aside  and  follow  him 
in  the  search  for  happiness,  which  could  not  help 
being  prosaic  with  a  man  of  such  indomitable  will. 

68 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

To  yield  to  him  now  would  be  to  put  the  shackles  on 
my  wrists  and  myself  lock  them  forever. 

Instead  of  calling  to  take  me  to  the  newsboys' 
meeting,  he  wrote: 

Dear  Kate: 

If  an  unobtrusive  domestic  life  is  most  worthy  and 
noble,  and  the  one  from  which  the  greatest  happi- 
ness comes,  as  the  best  thought  of  the  age  seems  to 
teach,  then  it  is  certainly  true  that  anything  which 
savors  of  the  stage  or  public  life  is  an  inelegant 
thing  to  do. 

Modesty  is  woman's  sweetest  charm,  and  now, 
while  the  committee  have  ample  time  to  procure 
others  to  fill  the  doubtful  role,  you  will  surely  not 
permit  friends  to  persuade  you  against  the  decision 
of  your  better  judgment.  The  devotion  of  a  lover 
is  often  better  than  the  cold  and  almost  momentary 
applause  of  the  public. 

Sincerely  yours, 

RALPH   STARWELL. 

As  I  read  this  note  I  thought:  what  would  life 
become  to  one  living  with  such  a  man?  Did  he  think 
a  woman  must  be  wholly  a  household  grub,  or  a  society 
butterfly;  to  give  nothing  but  receive  all?  Could  he 
really  be  grooved  in  an  idiosyncrasy  as  gross  as  this? 
The  white  rays  of  my  engagement  ring  scintillated  on 
my  third  finger.  It  reminded  me  that  I  was  a  liar, 
and  I  hated  myself. 

69 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

It  was  a  diamond,  that  betokened  to  me  a  small  but 
neat  and  respectable  housekeeping  establishment,  with 
one  servant,  and  a  well-brought-up,  obedient  family. 
I  would  probably  endure  the  usual  marital  quarrels, 
not  so  violent  as  some,  perhaps,  nor  so  passionately 
patched  up  for  the  time  being,  but  very  polite  quar- 
rels, with  the  self-control  that  generally  bespeaks  lack 
of  genuine  enthusiasm  in  anything.  Was  my  talent, 
my  beauty,  the  power  I  had  of  exciting  admiration, 
all  to  sink  in  this  morass  called  marriage;  to  rise 
up  in  my  nostrils  a  miasma  of  despair  at  a  lost  oppor- 
tunity ? 

Why  should  I  enter  into  this  animal-like  relation 
with  a  man  simply  to  suit  the  conventionalities  of  the 
world  and  to  escape  the  opprobrium  put  by  society 
upon  the  words  "  old  maid,"  when  all  knew  that  love 
was  really  the  only  binding  law  in  such  a  contract? 

But  we  are  not  alone  in  making  our  misery  vital. 
Our  dear  friends  are  more  apt  than  sworn  enemies 
to  aid  in  the  work.  Not  what  we  suffer,  but  how 
much  of  that  suffering  is  due  to  the  knowledge  our 
neighbor  has  of  it,  is  often  the  test  of  our  endurance. 

"  What,"  cried  Harry  Ruhling,  an  old-time  habitue 
of  our  house,  "  not  want  you  to  do  this,  that,  or  the 
other  thing,  the  old  fossil;  but  when  men  get  to  be 
his  age  they  are  intolerant.  I  wondered  why  you 
were  not  at  the  rehearsal ;  it  put  a  damper  on  every- 
body, because  you  certainly  do  that  soubrette  part 

70 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

better  than  anyone  else.  Surely  you  are  not  going  to 
give  us  the  '  go  by.'  The  thing  would  fall  flat,  and 
3'ou  know  the  charity  is  dependent  on  the  bazaars  and 
theatricals.  The  night  you  were  not  there  for  re- 
hearsal a  girl  who  had  once  played  your  part,  took 
it,  but  acted  so  badly  we  saw  it  would  be  no  use  unless 
you  played  it.  Now,  don't  get  crazy  over  this  new 
glitter  and  prefer  to  sit  in  a  box  at  the  opera  with  an 
old  man,  rather  than  to  act  for  charity.  He  will  be 
jealous,  all  old  men  are  of  young  wives,  and  that  is 
hell.  You  have  so  many  friends,  and  are  so  young, 
just  eighteen,  to  give  yourself  to  such  an  old  duffer 
certainly  is  a  shame." 

He  only  stopped  to  take  breath  and  continued :  il  At 
the  opera  the  other  night  he  never  took  his  eyes  off 
you,  and  when  it  was  over  he  rushed  you  away  before 
anyone  could  get  to  speak  to  you.  Are  you  happy 
with  just  him,  or  do  you  feel  the  sadness  that  your 
eyes  sometimes  show? 

"  He  will  likely  take  you  out  in  the  country  some- 
where and  you  will  just  keep  house,  maybe  have  a 
lot  of  children  (why  will  women  for  whom  their 
friends  pick  out  the  grandest  future  do  that  sort  of 
thing?),  while  some  dried  up  girl  who  is  as  uninviting 
as  a  stack  of  straw,  that  you  could  not  drive  a  mule 
to  eat,  will  pick  the  Apollo  of  the  season  who  wallows 
in  such  a  bunch  of  money  that  he  has  to  have  a 
kinetoscope  picture  to  show  her  how  to  spend  it. 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

You  could  marry  anyone  you  wanted  to;  don't  marry 
a  man  because  you  are  afraid  to  break  off  an  engage- 
ment." 

"  There  is  some  honor  in  regard  to  giving  one's 
word  about  so  solemn  a  thing  as  marriage,  and  I  can- 
not break  my  promise  now,"  I  replied. 

"  Bosh,"  said  Harry  sneeringly,  "  no  girl  ever  mar- 
ries her  first  love.  If  that  were  the  case  the  world 
would  be  filled  with  driveling  young  idiots,  and  what 
is  a  mere  broken  word  of  honor  in  such  a  case  as 
compared  with  happiness,  or  even  contentment?" 

"  It  is  best  for  a  woman  to  marry,  Harry ;  there  is 
not  much  show  for  a  woman  anywhere  without  a  man 
attached  to  her.  You  can't  even  go  to  some  restau- 
rants, they  tell  me,  after  six  o'clock,  without  a  man, 
and  there  is  no  objection  to  this  man,  he  has  the 
approval  of  my  entire  family." 

"  You  must,  of  course,  do  as  you  like  or  think  best, 
but  oh,  my  Konigen,  I  would  like  to  see  you  the 
queen  you  should  be  and  rule  your  own  fate.  I  can 
see  there  is  not  —  well,  Kate,  if  you  write  me  and 
tell  me  that  you  abide  by  your  conscience,  and  that 
you  will  not  marry  this  man,  I  will  give  you  one  of 
the  dinners  of  history." 

"Oh,  don't  let  us  talk  about  it,  Harry,"  I  said, 
while  a  sickening  dread  as  of  a  criminal  who  is  about 
to  be  condemned  leaped  in  my  throbbing  heart ;  "  don't 
you  see  it  can't  be  done  like  that  now.  It  is  too  late, 

72 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

the  house  is  rented  and  furnished,  my  trousseau  is 
all  finished,  and  his  valet  told  our  maid  that  his  mas- 
ter's things  were  all  in  apple-pie  order,  and  even  his 
shoes  were  packed.  Now  we  are  only  waiting  for 
the  wedding  day,  which  is  within  too  short  a  time 
to  make  any  change,  for  people  would  never  give  me 
credit  for  having  an  iota  of  brains. 

"  He  is  about  as  happy  as  a  boy  with  a  new  top, 
and  he  believes  me  to  be  as  happy  as  he  is.  I  dare 
not  undeceive  him  now.  Besides,  it  does  not  seem 
possible  that  he  is  twenty-five  years  older  than  I  am, 
still,  an  old  man  is  preferable  to  a  young  man  in  my 
estimation.  Young  men  for  war  and  old  men  for 
council,  and  you  know  if  anyone  is  in  need  of  mental 
ballast  it  is  yours  humbly.  A  man  whom  a  woman  can 
lean  on  is  my  ideal.  Young  men  are  good  to  look 
at  and  flirt  writh,  to  bid  to  fetch  and  carry  while  they 
protest  their  love,  but  to  marry  —  deliver  me.  For 
home  life  and  solid  comfort,  give  me  the  old  horse 
who  has  gone  through  the  hay  fields  till  they  are 
a  stale  story  to  him.  No,  Harry,  with  all  due  respect 
to  you,  no  young  man  for  me,  thank  you." 

"  Very  well,  so  be  it,"  he  replied  as  he  came  a  step 
nearer  to  me.  "  It  is  not  very  polite  perhaps  to  say 
after  all  this,  that  you  do  not  impress  one  with  being 
wildly  in  love;  also,  I  fear  that  you  do  not  dare  face 
the  bare  facts  in  the  case.  We  dress  up  our  living  lies 
as  we  do  our  bodies,  so  that  an  old  hag  may  be  made 

73 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

to  represent  good  looks.  You  girls  do  not  realize 
what  you  are  doing  as  well  as  we  men  do.  A  Parsee 
widow  puts  herself  on  a  burning  funeral  pyre  for  her 
dead  husband.  You  are  not  much  better  or  more 
enlightened." 

Harry  left  me,  finally.  The  sky  was  gloomy  gray 
and  hung  low,  while  the  air  was  cold  with  that  inhos- 
pitable chill  of  April.  All  day  my  trouble  had  taken 
my  appetite  away,  and  now,  cold  and  hungry,  the 
world  seemed  barren  of  any  possible  good  or  cheer. 
As  I  passed  a  mirror  and  caught  sight  of  my  face,  its 
old,  sallow  look  startled  me.  What  was  there  to 
worry  over?  No  one  could  possibly  understand  be- 
cause I  could  not  myself  have  described  what  I  was 
suffering. 

If  only  there  could  be  an  excuse  trumped  up  of 
need  for  going  abroad  for  my  health,  and  I  could 
acquire  the  right  sort  of  chaperon  to  travel  with  me 
for  two  years,  I  would  show  them  all  what  could  be 
done.  Chaperons  are  born,  not  made.  At  this  time 
of  greatest  need  in  a  young  girl's  life  there  are 
kaleidoscopic  qualities  of  character  required  for  this 
tender  occupation  that  are  too  manifold  to  be  enumer- 
ated. To  select  a  chaperon  offhand  is  like  buying 
candy  from  appearance  in  a  French  shop;  a  trial  is  a 
necessity  to  prove  its  value. 

In  a  moral  test  a  woman  must  not  reckon  without 
her  arch  enemy,  woman,  whom,  if  she  counts  as  friend 

74 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

from  a  natural  fear,  is  sure  to  stop  the  cogs  that  would 
have  revolved  around  her  to  the  height  of  her  desires. 

No  woman  who  is  innocent  is  safe  in  society.  I 
flattered  myself  that  my  debut  had  been  a  success. 
Having  launched  my  bark  I  was  now  to  lie  in  port 
without  further  test.  This  question  of  marrying 
involved  my  whole  future  career.  Was  I  to  fold  my 
hands;  to  automatically  do  as  other  minds  should 
dictate  ? 

Why  was  I  not  capable  of  another  coup,  to  cam- 
paign a  trip  abroad,  be  received  at  court,  conquer 
society  on  the  continent?  There  was  money  to  be 
considered.  Perhaps  after  all  it  would  be  best  to 
marry.  Married  women  had  the  upper  hand  of  young 
girls,  which  amounts  principally  to  a  prestige  which 
is  the  result  of  what  is  commonly  called  —  experience. 

"  He  who  hesitates  is  lost."  A  wavering  decision 
could  never  be  a  good  one.  The  longer  it  was  delayed 
the  more  scandal  would  be  attached  to  it,  and  there 
is  really  no  need  of  one's  neighbors  knowing  all  you  do 
all  the  time.  It  must  be  final.  My  happiness  against 
his  overwhelming  will. 

I  would  write  to  Harry,  as  my  best  friend.  The 
action  seemed  an  involuntary  one,  for  I  sat  down  de- 
liberately and  wrote  a  letter  to  Harry,  then,  realizing 
its  baseness,  I  laid  it  aside  and  wrote  to  Mr.  Starwell 
that  all  my  evenings  would  be  engaged  with  rehearsals 
that  week,  and  as  he  was  not  much  interested  in  such 

75 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

things   I   would   not   ask  him   to   attend   them   with 
me. 

His  answer  to  this  was  awaited  with  more  anxiety 
than  I  had  supposed  possible.  He  took  me  at  my 
word.  In  a  severe  upper  cut  that  completely  flouted 
my  pose,  he  told  me  that  he  had  no  idea  of  opposing 
my  wish  —  yet  the  words  now  appeared  to  be  so  brutal 
that  I  tore  that  part  of  the  letter  to  shreds.  The  rest 
of  it  I  read  over  and  over  till  every  word  was  indelibly 
stamped  upon  my  memory.  In  the  stilted  style  in 
which  he  always  wrote  or  talked  to  me,  he  continued : 

I  could  give  myself  up  to  sentiment  with  complete 
self-abandonment  till  after  marriage,  when,  by  a 
freedom,  a  constant  loyalty,  a  manly  life  and  a  thou- 
sand love-devices  our  union  and  happiness  would  be- 
come more  dear,  more  complete,  until  we  should  be 
absorbed  in  the  perfect  essence  which  alone  endures, 
a  mere  foretaste  of  which  we  can  attain  to  here 
below. 

I  am  convinced  that  we  have  put  off  our  wedding- 
day  too  long  already.  That  the  intoxicating  swirl  in 
which  every  attractive  maiden  from  seventeen  to 
twenty- four  is  borne  on, —  of  which  you  have  so  often 
spoken  —  has  already  left  a  drop  of  poison  in  your 
cup,  and  now,  in  justice  to  yourself  and  gratification 
of  your  curiosity  you  ought,  perhaps,  to  mingle  in 
the  world  these  years,  witness  the  flattery  (which  I 
regret  you  have  already  tasted  of),  listen  to  the 
proffers  of  love  and  devotion,  drink  deep  of  the 

76 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

sweets,  but  Heaven  forbid  of  all  the  bitter  quaffs,  and 
at  the  end  of  that  time,  or  during  it,  you  will  choose 
from  out  the  legion,  and  give  way  to  others  who  will 
follow. 

For,  if  you  should  now  set  down  the  sparkling  cup 
which  is  so  beautiful  and  seductive,  without  drink- 
ing it  to  its  dregs,  and  relapse  into  only  our  love  for- 
ever, the  fact  that  you  had  not  scanned  the  page 
carefully  before  marriage  might  make  you  unhappy 
afterward,  and  it  is  only  because  I  seem  to  detect  this 
growing  danger  that  I  would  suggest  to  you, —  with 
the  highest  consideration  of  only  your  happiness,  for 
Heaven  knows  that  for  the  past  few  months  I  have 
had  no  other  desire  or  joy, —  that  you  be  as  free  and 
happy  as  you  so  richly  deserve. 

But  if  you  still  have  the  desire  that  the  waves  of 
love  which  have  beaten  on  our  breasts  continue,  but 
with  that  added  charm  a  peaceful  sea,  through  life, 
I  believe  it  will  ever  have  a  sweeter  flow  because  that 
I  now  offer  up  this  sacrifice  and  say  to  you,  sweet 
bird,  go  free. 

Then,  if  I  feel  the  soft  tendrils  gently  cling,  I  shall 
be  a  towering  oak  deeply  rooted  and  strong  to  defend, 
and  as  I  look  out  over  the  smaller  trees  (for  I  will 
rise  above  the  common  herd  and  I  will  see  the  dis- 
tant storm,  or  welcome  the  tripping  sunshine),  I  will 
communicate  it  with  assurance,  or  a  kiss  to  the  vine 
which  clings,  and  almost  conceals  with  its  rich  foliage 
of  love. 

Sincerely,  and  ever,  in  any  condition  of  life, 

Your  friend, 

RALPH  STARWELL. 

77 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

Blinding,  raging  tears,  with  a  realizing  sense  of  an 
irreparable  loss  overwhelmed  me. 

My  father  returned  from  business  and  missing  my 
usual  greeting  came  to  my  room  to  ask  the  cause,  and 
found  me  in  a  state  of  what  I  then  misunderstood  to 
be  grief,  but  which  I  now  see  was  only  wounded  pride. 
With  his  hands  in  his  pockets  he  stood  before  the  win- 
dow waiting  for  me  to  be  calm,  for  he  expected  the 
confidence  which  he  had  always  received. 

After  the  storm  had  subsided  and  he  had  heard  the 
letter  which  had  caused  it,  he  remarked :  "  He  must 
have  offered  you  only  the  ashes  of  a  burnt-out  love. 
It  would  be  well  to  send  him  his  ring  and  letters,  for 
he  has  finished  his  part  of  the  deal.  He  is  not  the 
man.  for  you,  anyway,  that  is  evident." 

These  words  threw  me  into  a  spasm  of  self  pity, 
which  my  father  did  not  care  to  witness  and  therefore 
left  the  room,  allowing  me  the  luxury  of  my  grief 
alone. 


CHAPTER    X 

"If  some  matches  were  made  in  Heaven,  they  were 
dipped  in  Hell" 


rarely  confide  in  their  parents  but 
would  rather  go  to  anyone  else  for  a  sympathy 
that  may  not  be  an  alleviation  of  their  troubles  but 
amounts  to  a  good  of  a  certain  kind.  So  I,  now,  in 
my  present  state,  appealed  to  Miss  Basseau,  my  former 
French  governess,  who,  with  a  spinster's  regret  for 
her  own  single-blessedness,  urged  me  to  "  be  reason- 
able." 

"  This  is  the  opportunity  of  your  life,"  she  said, 
with  an  impressive  manner  she  had  when  in  earnest. 
"  A  woman  should  always  look  to  mating  herself  well 
before  any  other  consideration,  for  no  matter  how 
disagreeable  it  may  seem  to  have  to  admit  it,  the  men 
really  do  make  up  a  large  half  of  what  we  can  never 
hope  to  supply.  This  man  is  unique  in  his  love  —  he 
will  never  be  to  anyone  else  what  he  is  to  you. 

"  Dear  child,"  she  continued,  with  a  quaint  accent 
that  lent  a  peculiar  pathos  to  her  words,  "  you  are 
young  and  pretty  now,  but  you  will  not  always  be  so. 
Let  me  telegraph  for  the  gentleman  to  come  to  you." 

79 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

"  Oh,  Miss  Basseau,  don't  yet.  Can't  you  persuade 
him  to  wait  two  or  three  years?  I  do  so  dread  to 
marry.  How  few  are  happily  married.  Did  you  ever 
know  of  anyone?  It  seems  as  if  every  man  and 
woman  living  together  do  so  mostly  for  the  good 
opinion  of  the  public  and  not  because  they  really  love 
each  other.  It's  children  or  money,  women  or 
whiskey,  sometime:  just  bad  temper  and  nerves,  but 
whatever  the  cause,  it  is  not  possible  for  me  to  believe 
that  two  different  natures  are  quite  as  contented  all 
their  lives  as  they  seem  and  try  to  appear  to  their 
friends." 

"  Oh,  my  dear,  you  are  unnatural,  surely  marriage  is 
the  only  state  for  a  woman.  I  can't  go  into  details 
and  argue  it  out,  for  you  are  too  young  to  be  con- 
vinced thus,  for  this  is  not  so  much  of  the  head  as 
of  the  heart.  I  have  been  affianced  three  times  and 
each  of  my  lovers  died.  That  is  the  reason  I  have 
gone  on  in  my  lonely  way  all  these  years;  it  was  not 
choice  with  me,  no  one  could  ever  be  so  lost  to  human 
feeling  as  to  utterly  throw  away  the  real  reason  for 
our  being  on  earth.  To  love  and  to  be  loved  is  the 
greatest  thing  in  life." 

The  tender  interest  that  she  took  in  me,  and  the 
unusual  sight  of  anyone  pleading  for  my  happiness 
in  this  disinterested  way  made  me  want  to  accept  her 
views.  The  quality  of  real  sympathy  in  her  voice 
appealed  to  me  and  softened  my  heart  as  the  sun  will 

80 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

melt  ice.  Clasped  in  each  other's  arms  we  wept 
together,  she  for  the  sad  memories  of  the  past,  and 
I  for  the  sadness  that  my  heart  whispered  would  surely 
be  mine. 

She  sent  a  telegram  for  Mr.  Starwell  to  come,  but 
it  was  not  answered.  This  new  slight,  his  letter  and 
Miss  Basseau's  kindness  were  enough  to  keep  me 
awake  most  of  the  night,  crying  with  sympathy  for 
myself.  To  a  complex  nature  nothing  is  quite  so 
humiliating  as  wounded  vanity. 

Next  morning,  with  a  heavy  weight  on  my  heart, 
I  had  the  discouraged  resentment  that  a  man  has  whose 
ammunition  has  given  out  just  as  the  enemy  comes 
upon  him.  At  this  point  I  needed  all  my  resources, 
and  at  no  time  had  I  ever  felt  so  helpless. 

Hideous  thing  that  I  was,  for  as  I  looked  in  the 
glass  and  saw  my  sallow,  swollen  face  with  its  irreg- 
ular features,  my  listless,  tired  eyes,  and  my  limp 
flannel  wrapper,  I  certainly  felt  that  life  would  be 
extremely  dull  if  it  was  to  be  colored  by  this  morn- 
ing's outlook. 

After  breakfast,  sitting  down  at  my  desk,  from 
where  I  could  look  out  of  the  window,  my  eyes  looked 
upon  a  dark  world,  indeed.  The  lawn  was  black  and 
rusty,  the  clouds,  too  heavy  to  move,  weighed  like  a 
pall.  Below  stairs  the  dressmaker  worked  at  my 
lingerie.  The  monotonous  whirr  of  the  machine  some- 
what rested  my  tired  head,  and  I  felt  defiant  contempt 

81 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

for  my  fate,  which  a  strange  premonition  predicted 
would  not  be  happy. 

The  voice  of  my  mother  calling  me  awoke  me  from 
my  revery.  Likely  it  was  only  a  seam  to  sew,  or 
some  advice  that  was  wanted  —  but  the  tone  of  her 
voice  sounded  peculiar. 

Stupidly  walking  into  the  hall  I  ran  into  Mr.  Star- 
well  standing  beside  my  mother. 

For  some  moments  we  faced  each  other  without 
uttering  a  word  but  only  looking  into  centuries  of  past 
and  future  time  that  lovers  about  to  part  intuitively 
see.  "  Mamma,"  I  cried  finally,  "  what  is  the  mat- 
ter?" 

"  Mr.  Starwell  said  he  received  a  telegram  from 
you  last  night  to  come  immediately,"  she  said,  trying 
to  be  matter  of  fact,  "  but  as  he  was  at  the  club  dining 
he  did  not  get  here  until  too  late,  so  he  came  this  morn- 
ing, and  as  the  parlor  is  being  swept,  and  the  painters 
are  in  the  library,  with  people  coming  and  going,  and 
you  want  to  be  undisturbed,  I  brought  him  up  here." 

So  he  did  come;  he  was  not  determined  to  utterly 
annihilate  me,  he  did  love  me. 

Love  is  a  faith.  This  faith  is  a  happiness,  illumi- 
nation, and  strength.  This  was  my  rock  of  hope,  I 
had  but  to  ask  his  forgiveness.  The  light  in  his  eyes 
assured  me  it  was  already  granted. 

"  Oh,  Mr.  Starwell,  I  am  so  sorry." 

He  quietly  took  me  in  his  arms  without  uttering  a 
82 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

word  of  reproach.  There  was  a  solemn  note  in  his 
manner.  The  bodily  contact  was  comforting,  it  gave 
an  impression  of  being  shielded  from  the  worst  evils, 
which  are  mainly  outside  the  charmed  circle  of  a 
lover's  embrace,  but  I  could  not  rid  myself  of  the 
feeling  that  the  curtain  was  slowly  going  down  on  a 
drama  that  we,  as  chief  actors,  could  not  afford  to 
condemn  or  praise. 

The  ivory  and  silver  doors  of  the  Temple  of  Siva 
were  slowly  opened,  while  the  rich  perfume  of  a 
crushed  love  would  soon  be  wafted  to  exalt  her  shrine. 

The  belief  could  not  be  changed,  even  in  this  tragic 
moment,  that  Mr.  Starwell  wanted  a  woman  of  nice, 
ladylike  qualities,  admirably  expressed  in  manner  — 
a  woman  of  ideas,  or  such  as  I  would  likely  become 
in  after  years  with  the  developing  growth  that  free- 
dom to  follow  out  my  own  conception  of  life  would 
bring. 

To  know  one's  self  is  the  beginning  and  end  of 
knowledge,  and  at  that  time  I  knew  that  an  unfor- 
tunate exaggeration  pervaded  all  my  personality,  and 
to  this  I  partly  owed  my  unhappiness.  Yet  I  knew, 
as  far  as  he  was  concerned,  I  would  be  a  cumbersome 
quantity,  and  as  to  home-making,  I  was  aware  that  I 
would  be  as  adaptable  as  a  basaltic  marble  statue  of 
Rameses  in  a  cottage. 

We  entered  the  room  that  was  both  den  and  sleep- 
ing room.  He  waited.  The  moment  seemed  to  de- 

33 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

mand  a  capitulation  on  my  part.  Humbly  I  began: 
:'  Yesterday  I  realized  how  wicked  I  had  been,  how 
much  of  my  happiness  I  owed  to  your  love  as  I  wrote 
to  you  what  I  dared  not  say.  Here  is  one  of  the 
letters." 

He  took  what  I  handed  to  him  and  read  while  I 
watched  the  expression  of  his  face,  which  changed  to 
an  illuminated  gladness.  The  deprecating,  reserved 
air  that  he  wore  when  he  entered  the  room  had  gone. 
He  took  my  face  in  his  hands  to  kiss  me  reverently, 
then  he  read  another  letter: 

"My  Dear  Lover: 

"  There  is  no  insanity  like  that  brought  on  by  love. 
'  A  sound  heart  is  the  life  of  the  flesh  '  is  a  proverb 
that  is  really  true,  for  my  whole  body  is  faint,  restless 
and  miserable  when  my  love  for  you  is  disturbed.  As 
a  clear  fountain  in  the  sunshine  gladdens  all  around, 
so  your  love  is  my  joy. 

"  For  months  doubt  has  tortured  me ;  whether  I 
would  live  long  enough  to  marry  has  been  a  source 
of  misery.  But  now  all  that  has  frothed  to  the  top 
to  be  blown  away  from  this  cup  that  is  clear  and 
sparkling  with  your  love  and  confidence. 

"  Darling,  sweet,  forgive  me  all  the  sorrow  you 
have  suffered  on  my  account  —  let  me  show  how  much 
we  can  be  to  each  other;  for  to  know  that  you  are 
mine,  after  some  of  our  storms,  makes  me  forget  all 

84 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

else  and,  as  a  pain  relieved,  rest  after  fatigue,  or  a 
broken  bridge  safely  crossed,  your  love  soothes  my 
torment.  *  The  King  can  do  no  wrong.  Long  live 
the  King,'  and  the  king  is  mine. 

'  To  give  up  everything  in  life  for  you  would  be 
nothing.  The  insincerities  and  insipidness  of  a  life 
such  as  mine  would  be  a  weak  sacrifice  if  it  could  value 
yours. 

"  My  darling,  my  love,  come  to  me  this  once  and 
it  will  be  a  sealed  favor  forever,  for  I  will  be  your 
-devoted  slave  from  now  on.    I  cannot  love  you  more, 
I  cannot,  dearest. —  Good  night. 

"  KATE." 

Without  speaking  he  looked  at  me  with  an  expres- 
sion of  ineffable  sweetness  as  he  turned  to  the  other 
letter,  which  he  still  held  in  his  hand,  and  read  what 
to  me  at  that  time  seemed  the  acme  of  perfectly  ex- 
pressed sentiment,  judged  from  my  acquaintance  with 
novels : 

"  O  my  love,  let  not  my  bold  words  entirely  hide 
the  blushes  that  mount  to  my  cheeks  as  I  tell  you 
that  I  kneel  at  your  feet  to  be  forgiven.  Ask  any- 
thing of  me  that  you  may  make  me  happy,  you  will 
see  with  what  swift  obedience  your  command  will 
be  obeyed.  While  I  am  not  good  enough  for  so  high 
a  service,  I  am  all  unworthy  of  you,  as  you  have  told 

85 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

me  in  the  humility  of  your  large-hearted  generosity 
that  you  were  unworthy  of  me.  Let  us  clasp  hands, 
then,  and  go  down  the  hill  of  life  together. 

"  Sweetheart,  I  am  in  an  agony  of  suspense.  Do 
not  doubt  me,  try  once  more.  I  will  be  your  willing 
slave,  always  ready  for  your  purpose.  Believe  in  my 
penitence.  Dry  my  tears.  Look  into  my  heart  and 
find  only  thy  image  enshrined  there. 
"  Always  yours, 

"  KATE." 

Rhetoric  won,  he  believed  me,  he  succumbed  to  my 
wiles.  The  drama  of  a  life  may  be  the  outcome  of 
a  lie. 

At  last,  springing  from  his  chair  with  the  old  time 
nervous  alertness,  he  cried :  "  Oh,  darling,  my  sweet 
wife." 

We  stood  long  clasped  in  each  other's  embrace,  with 
a  swooning  kiss  that  made  me  utterly  oblivious  of  the 
unacknowledged  real  feeling  toward  him.  The  golden 
calf  was  still  an  immune  from  the  prayers  of  the  child 
of  God.  If  it  was  my  fate,  if  it  was  really  meant 
that  I  should  marry  him,  then  I  must,  for  as  yet 
the  miracle  had  not  happened.  The  voice  from 
out  the  Heavens  had  not  yet  been  heard.  I  was 
handling  the  electric  wires  rather  industriously. 

Mr.  Starwell  had  an  old  habit  of  talking  to  himself, 
even  in  my  presence.  He  had  murmured^  as  he  lightly 

86 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

brushed  my  mouth,  cheeks  and  neck  with  his  burning 
lips :  "  These  letters  are  not  the  old-time  virgin  flick- 
erings  of  Diana's  altar  but  the  fierce  fires  for  Hymen's 
shrine." 

For  some  occult  reason  I  went  to  the  window  and 
looked  out  upon  the  barn  and  the  not  yet  spaded  vege- 
table garden,  where  a  few  chickens  were  scratching. 
A  rooster  mounted  a  dunghill,  flapped  his  wings,  and 
shook  his  red  comb  in  a  flaunt  of  excitement  produced 
by  the  success  of  his  glib  performance,  and  crowed 
.lustily.  Afterwards,  with  a  strut,  he  deigned  to  de- 
scend among  his  harem  to  the  vulgar  duty  of  scratch- 
ing for  a  living. 

"  It  is  going  to  rain,"  I  said  to  Mr.  Starwell,  for 
with  cooled,  everyday  senses,  his  appearance  did  not 
keep  up  to  the  exalted  grade  my  love  would  have  made 
for  him  had  it  been  genuine. 

"  It  is  going  to  rain  kisses  on  your  little  benighted 
head,"  he  said  as  he  again  imprisoned  me. 

That  view  of  the  kitchen  garden  gave  me  the  old- 
time  feeling  stronger  than  ever,  that  all  the  alluring 
things  were  out  beyond  the  home,  where  one  could 
take  the  stopper  off  and  be  free  —  but  life  must  always 
have  a  measure  of  sadness  in  it.  No  one  but  a  fat, 
fatuous  person  could  put  any  other  meaning  upon  it. 

He  looked  about  him,  as  if  his  surroundings  had 
only  just  attracted  his  attention. 

"  What  an  odd  place  a  girl's  room  is,  all  strung 

87 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

with  cotillion  favors,  programmes,  dinner  cards,  yacht 
flags,  pictures  and  queer  nicknacks  that  would  give  a 
man  the  nightmare.  Is  that  tall,  grave-looking  piece 
of  furniture  your  writing  desk?"  he  asked. 

"  Yes,  all  the  writing  I  ever  did  since  childhood 
is  stowed  away  in  that." 

"  Your  escritoire  has  a  literary  disorder  about  it 
quite  striking." 

Observing  his  remark  I  went  to  the  desk  to 
straighten  out  the  papers.  Instinctively  I  tried  to 
conceal  my  letter  to  Harry  that  lay  exposed.  With 
the  unerring  eye  of  a  lover  he  detected  something  was 
wrong.  I  tried  to  tear  the  thick  paper  but  he  hastily 
snatched  it  from  me  before  I  had  time  to  destroy 
it. 

"Is  this  one  worse  than  the  others?"  he  asked 
laughing,  as  he  gave  me  another  hug. 

"  No,  no,  this  is  not  for  you."  I  seized  it,  but  not 
quick  enough,  for  his  strong  hand  clutched  it  the 
tighter.  "  Please,  Mr.  Starwell,  oh,  for  heaven's  sake, 
please  don't  look  at  it !  "  running  after  him  as  he  play- 
fully dodged  me.  Fighting  him  frantically,  panting 
and  exhausted,  when  I  finally  caught  him,  I  got  pos- 
session of  it  to  tear  it  into  bits,  and  throw  them  in 
the  wastebasket.  I  was  about  to  set  fire  to  them  as 
they  dropped  into  the  basket,  but  too  late,  for  with  an 
instinct  almost  inhuman  he  picked  out  those  particular 
pieces  from  among  the  others  and  thrust  them  in  an 

88 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

inside  pocket  as  he  said :  "  Now  I  must  go.  Can  you 
go  with  me  ?  " 

"If  you  can  wait  until  I  dress." 

He  waited,  and  we  started  away  together. 

"  Thatcher  had  an  experience  like  this  once,"  he 
said.  "  I  can  understand  now  why  he  never  married, 
for  it  would  be  impossible  for  me  to  marry  anyone 
but  you." 

Thatcher,  an  intimate  friend  of  his,  was  always 
quoted  as  a  criterion  for  everything.  Hypocrite  that 
I  was,  I  pretended  to  subscribe  to  this  with  an  under- 
standingly  similar  expression. 

If  only  somebody  could  have  told  me  what  this 
love  was  that  we  read  of  and  talked  so  much  about, 
it  would  have  been  easier  for  me.  Novelists  and  poets 
eulogized  the  sentiment  as  an  exalted  one.  Everyone 
spoke  of  "  marrying  for  love "  as  if  it  were  some 
great  virtue,  and  sneered  with  commiserating  con- 
tempt, or  bare  tolerance,  of  the  school-teacher  or  old 
maid  who  raised  herself  above  penury  by  marriage  — 
never  once  did  anyone  give  her  credit  for  anything, 
except  an  astute  intelligence  that  savored  closely  of 
an  unmentionable  crime  —  that  of  marrying  for 
money.  Why  anyone  should  want  to  marry  at  all 
was  the  principal  question  that  agitated  my  mind  at 
that  time.  Yet,  enmeshed  by  some  force  which  it 
was  impossible  for  me  in  my  utterly  ignorant  state 
to  comprehend,  the  world  was  looking  on  at  the  spec- 

89 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

,tacle  of  a  young  girl  giving  her  consent  to  an  alliance 
against  her  will,  when  she  could  not  know  by  whom 
or  by  what  force  she  was  coerced. 

An  apple  woman  sat  opposite  to  us  in  the  car. 
"  Such  people  are  the  happiest  in  the  world,"  said 
Mr.  Starwell,  as  he  contemplated  her  flabby,  empty 
face  and  huge  stomach,  over  which  her  dirty  hands 
were  clasped. 

She  certainly  did  not  look  as  if  she  was  distressed 
as  to  whether  she  was  enough  in  love  to  marry  or  not, 
nor,  whether  the  existence  of  the  ideal  was  anything 
at  all  to  her. 

From  this  greasy  mass  of  flesh  my  eyes  looked  upon 
my  fiance  and  contrasted  his  thin  frame;  that  long, 
white  face  that  looked  like  a  cameo  at  night,  and 
which  now  had  a  keen,  hawk-like  expression  that  his 
large  nose  seemed  to  accentuate. 

The  unvarnished  truth  was  that  I  would  marry  this 
man,  while  philosophers  would  aver,  what  seemed 
inevitable  and  degrading  to  my  shrinking  soul,  that 
I  would  love  elsewhere.  Marry  him  I  must,  that  was 
certain,  if  for  nothing  else  than  because  the  fact 
existed  of  my  trousseau,  our  house,  and  engaged 
servants  —  all  waiting  for  an  exceedingly  silly  girl 
to  decide. 

It  was  never  difficult  for  him  to  read  my  thought. 
Now  he  turned  to  me  saying :  "  It  is  a  wonder  to  me 
that  you  ever  took  a  liking  to  me.  One  would  think 

90 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

that  you  would  marry  a  large,  black-eyed  man.  The 
imperious  sort,  with  dash  and  go,  who  would  quote 
poetry  to  you,  or  fight  a  duel  for  you,  instead  of  a 
prosaic,  antique  business  duffer  like  myself,  with  his 
nose  to  the  grindstone  and  without  a  verse  of  poetry 
in  his  head,  who  would  certainly  never  be  picturesque 
with  a  sword  in  his  hand  as  he  shouted  defiance  to  the 
world,  or  everlasting  restitution  to  his  love." 

We  had  returned  to  my  door,  and  as  he  said,  "  Good- 
bye, my  darling,  until  to-morrow  night,"  I  wished  it 
might  be  until  the  last  forever. 


CHAPTER    XI 

And  loving  him  so,  I  would  rather  be 
The  one  he  let  go  —  and  then  vaguely  desired, 
Than,  winning  him,  once  in  his  face  to  see 
The  look  of  a  love  grown  tired." 


TNSTEAD  of  spending  the  evening  as  usual,  around 
**•  the  library  table,  where  the  soft  lamplight  encour- 
aged the  family  to  gather  with  their  books  or  work, 
I  retired  early,  worn  out  by  a  day  of  mental  fatigue 
which  had  left  to  me  but  the  mere  shreds  of  my  usual 
unwonted  energy.  The  empty  house  was  deathly 
still,  and  the  wind  outside  whistled  mournfully.  A 
dread  of  some  unknown  approaching  evil  oppressed 
me,  which  the  old-time  bad  omen  of  a  loud  crack  of 
a  piece  of  furniture  did  not  lessen. 

Superstitious  by  nature,  I  opened  the  Bible  at  ran- 
dom to  see  what  my  fate  would  read  there,  but  only 
prophecies  of  destruction  and  evil  met  my  gaze,  and 
revealed  to  me  that  my  fears  were  not  wholly  un- 
founded. 

Heretofore  insomnia  was  only  a  word  in  my  vocab- 
ulary, but  to-night  it  became  experience.  As  my 

92 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

fiance's  letters  were  often  read  in  bed  it  seemed  an 
alluring  thing  now  to  woo  sleep  by  these  lovely  words 
that  were  so  sweetly  soothing.  Morpheus  was  just 
hovering  near  me  when  the  sleepy  voice  of  the  maid 
announced  Mr.  Starwell. 

It  was  ten  o'clock.  In  a  trembling  haste  I  instinct-, 
ively  put  on  my  most  becoming  gown.  How  do  in- 
triguing women  keep  their  health,  I  mentally  asked, 
let  alone  their  complexions  and  nerves?  Do  light 
women  who  lay  siege  to  men's  hearts  by  coquetry  rely 
on  their  own  charms  or  the  gullibility  of  the  men? 
Do  they  prefer  the  lady-killer  style?  Why  do  so 
many  women  fasten  their  affections  on  poodle  dogs,  or 
canary  birds,  or  children,  as  a  safeguard?  Do  the 
women  who  bring  their  lovers  to  the  puppet  stage  that 
answers  to  any  string  really  feel  satisfaction  in  that 
or  do  they  turn  longingly  again  to  another  man  to 
conquer?  Can  a  woman  travel  the  Primrose  Path 
and  keep  happy,  or  does  her  heart  go  through  a  grad- 
ual process  of  petrifaction  first? 

These,  and  many  more  absurd  questions  partly 
aroused  my  half  awakened  brain.  My  novitiate  was 
sleep  dispelling,  peace  destroying. 

Always  a  lightning  dresser,  curiosity  now  made  me 
a  record  breaker  in  my  rapid  change.  Without 
gayety  but  certainly  not  sad,  I  hastened  into  the  cold, 
dark  parlor  with  its  gray  painted  walls,  its  plain,  for- 
bidding atmosphere,  the  very  air  of  which  had  the 

93 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

chill  of  a  tomb,  but,  ah!  was  this  a  veritable  corpse? 
Could  merely  black  clothes  make  a  man  look  as  though 
he  had  come  out  of  a  coffin? 

My  body  shivered,  my  teeth  chattered,  I  could  not 
move.  One  goes  from  the  broiling  sun  of  summer 
into  a  refrigerator  to  get  this  benumbing  sensation 
of  cold. 

Why  did  he  stand  mute,  with  glazed,  staring  eyes? 
I  fairly  screamed  his  name  as  I  felt  that  I  tried  not  to 
show  any  fear  of  him,  as  one  tries  to  disguise  it 
from  a  madman.  A  conquering  determination  com- 
pelled me  to  seize  his  hand,  as  if  I  feared  that  he 
intended  to  strike  me.  Secret  contempt  flays  the  soul 
alive;  physical  retaliation,  on  the  other  hand,  is  a 
natural  satisfaction.  I  ran  into  the  next  room  and  as 
a  relief  from  this  horrible  scrutiny  I  stirred  up  the 
ashes  that  littered  the  hearth.  A  few  dying  embers 
burst  into  living  coals.  He  had  followed  me  and  his 
gaze,  that  I  felt,  rather  than  saw,  seemed  to  penetrate 
my  blackened  soul.  Kindness  or  forgiveness  some- 
times permits  us  to  see  the  beauty  that  flows  like 
visible  music  through  the  nudity  of  goodness,  but 
with  hate  alive  writhin  us  we  are  blind  to  that  goodness. 
His  mind  was  filled  with  the  evil  thing  I  was,  and 
this  thought  permeated  my  being,  degraded  me  in  my 
own  mind  and  made  me  feel  myself  all  that  he  thought 
I  was.  With  parched  throat  and  clenched  hands  I 
waited. 

94 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

He  approached  me  and  as  he  did  so  he  stepped  on 
the  edge  of  my  black  silk  gown.  As  if  the  contact 
was  an  offense  to  his  self-respect  he  made  a  gesture 
that  hurt  me  worse  than  a  knife  thrust  in  the  naked 
flesh  would  have  done. 

Was  this  the  man  who  less  than  a  day  past  had 
annoyed  me  by  his  fervent  declarations  of  love?  A 
cub  suddenly  grown  to  a  snarling  lion  roaring  at  me 
in  a  rage  could  not  have  been  a  more  astonishing 
spectacle.  Had  a  judge  come  to  indict  a  witness  at 
the  bar  ?  Was  this  my  former  lover  whose  passionate 
avowals  had  so  recently  only  bored  me?  I  remem- 
bered having  put  on  a  fresh  rose  and  sought  it,  but  its 
crushed  petals  fell  at  my  feet  and  I  wondered  if  they 
could  ever  again  be  restored  in  their  pink  loveliness 
to  their  original  stem.  While  I  stood  thus  thinking 
I  realized  how  intensely  cold  I  was. 

"  Speak  to  me,  Mr.  Starwell,"  I  'said.  "  What  is 
it  ?  "  My  whole  attitude  prayed  his  leniency,  to  which 
he  was  adamant.  Never  had  I  voluntarily  kissed  him, 
or  made  any  advance  to  him;  now  that  I  wished  to, 
he  seemed  far  away.  As  he  might  look  at  a  dead 
snake  he  looked  at  me,  but  ignored  my  question. 
With  a  sickening  dread  of  hearing  his  answer  I  asked 
again,  in  a  whisper,  "  What  is  it?  " 

Taking  something  out  of  his  pocket  to  hand  to  me 
he  said  in  frigid,  even  tones,  "  Perhaps  you  remember 
writing  that?" 

95 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

Pasted  on  thin  tissue  paper  were  the  bits  of  the 
letter  that  I  had  written  to  Harry  and  had  torn  to 
pieces  that  morning. 

As  though  I  saw  it  for  the  first  time  —  for  cer- 
tainly it  carried  a  new  import  —  I  read  it  carefully : 

"My  dear  Harry: 

"  According  to  promise  I  write  to  tell  you  that  my 
whole  being  revolts  against  the  idea  of  marrying  this 
man.  If  I  knew  of  any  way  to  break  it  off  I  would, 
but,  my  father  says  I  must  go  through  with  it  now  to 
save  my  purity  from  being  dragged  through  the  mire 
of  the  gossips'  tongues,  but  — " 

He  reached  for  the  letter  and  I  gave  it  back  to  him, 
as  he  gave  me  another  small  piece  of  paper  on  which 
was  written  a  few  lines  in  pencil,  to  the  effect  that 
all  was  over  between  us,  that  his  "  love  was  dead, 
dead,  dead  as  a  mummy." 

Poor  Cupidon,  love  dead !  We  were  witness  of  the 
little  fellow  in  his  white  coffin,  our  wedding  march 
was  droned  as  a  funeral  dirge. 

It  was  a  moment  when  silence  alone  was  eloquent. 
We  stood  at  a  distance  apart  from  each  other;  he 
regarded  me  with  an  aversion  that  was  hard  to  bear. 

"  What  explanation  have  you  to  offer  ?  At  first  I 
decided  never  to  see  you,  or  to  speak  to  you,  but  in 
justice  to  our  past  I  came;  you  may  be  able  to  offer 

96 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

an  excuse  for  that,"  he  said  as  he  pointed  a  white 
finger  at  my  crime  that  lay  on  the  mantel. 

"  Gay  butterfly,  you  have  fluttered  your  short  hour 
in  the  sun,  now  you  shall  with  microscopic  nicety  tell 
us  why  your  wings  are  rainbow  colored  feathers,  in- 
stead of  white  icicles,"  I  thought,  and  I  laughed  as  I 
bowed  a  mock  courtesy  to  the  floor. 

He  drew  his  face  out  of  shape  in  a  sneer  horrible 
to  behold  as  he  remarked  with  placid  dignity  that  if 
he  wanted  a  tragedy  queen  he  would  select  one,  but 
he  was  in  search  of  a  woman  who  would  make  him 
a  respectable  wife,  only  it  seemed  more  difficult  to 
accomplish  than  would  at  first  appear  possible. 

Had  I  changed  to  be  so  ugly?  What  wretched 
thing  had  I  become  that  he  could  turn  from  me  in 
such  ill-disguised  disgust.  I  looked  in  the  cheval 
glass  interestedly, —  my  eyes  were  deep  scintillating 
stars,  my  cheeks  were  blushing,  and  smooth  as  a  rose, 
the  scarlet  lips  parted  over  snow-white  teeth,  my  dark 
brown  hair  fluffily  fell  in  curls  about  the  face  that 
smiled  back  with  a  pleased  satisfaction.  I  never 
looked  more  beautiful  and  I  had  faith  in  this  power 
to  beguile  him. 

"What  do  you  want  explained,  my  dear?"  I  said 
as  the  contemplation  of  myself  gave  a  new  sense  of 
self-control  and  importance. 

"  You  make  it  difficult  for  me,"  he  said,  "  but  be- 
fore I  go  I  want  to  hear  trom  your  own  lips  what, 

97 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

if  anything,  you  have  to  say  to  exonerate  yourself 
from  the  guilt  expressed  in  that  letter.  I  have  paced 
my  room  in  an  agony  trying  to  solve  it.  You  have 
evidently  listened  to  flattery,  which  is  generally  the 
destruction  of  most  of  your  sex,  but  before  we  part 
forever,  will  you,  can  you  explain  that  letter?  If 
you  can  reassure  me  in  any  way  I  shall  feel  that  to 
have  one's  name  bandied  about  the  clubs,  and  having 
dishonor  heaped  upon  one  might,  even  so,  be  of  some 
compensation  not  apparent  to  me  now.  Nothing  will 
stand  the  test  of  ridicule,  yet  you  make  me  your  dupe 
without  one  expressed  regret.  You  resign  me  with- 
out an  effort  to  the  worst  fate  a  proud  man  can  pos- 
sibly meet;  you  laughingly  make  of  me  a  jilted  lover. 
That  delightful  position  I  owe  to  you,  the  one  woman 
in  all  the  world  before  whom  I  have  made  myself 
an  ass,  a  weakling,  a  fool.  No  one  will  respect  me. 
They  will  call  me  a  cad,  and  all  because  I  loved  you. 
Faugh!" 

He  turned  his  back  upon  me  as  if  he  might  lay 
violent  hands  upon  me  if  he  looked  at  me  longer. 

He  was  finer  in  a  rage  than  when  limp  in  my  arms 
he  drawled  out  his  everlasting  devotion. 

".There  is  positively  nothing  to  explain,"  I  said, 
relieved  at  this  open  reviling  which  was  preferable 
to  his  silent  contempt. 

Like  a  criminal  at  the  bar  I  seemed  to  await  his 
sentence,  feeling  all  the  time  so  young  in  my  dread 

98 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

of  him  and  in  my  inadequate  vocabulary.  The  oc- 
casion seemed  to  demand  oratory,  or  spectacular  elo- 
cution —  glibness  of  some  kind,  and  here  were  my 
pitiful  commonplaces. 

In  a  monotonous  voice  he  said,  "  You  sacrificed 
the  whole  of  me  for  a  whim,  as  you  would  fleck  a 
fly  off  your  horse;  without  a  thought  you  would  kick 
me  to  the  dogs,  yet  I  am  not  the  Bluebeard  that  you 
imagine.  The  singing  in  public  might  have  been  for- 
given, but  you  never  asked  that  I  forgive  it.  You 
never  consulted  me,  you  did  things  first  then  told  me 
of  them  afterwards.  That  letter  has  given  me  a  blow 
that  stupefies  me-  I  shall  never  forget  it  nor  forgive 
it,  but  I  came  here  to  hear  your  explanation,  not  to 
upbraid  you." 

He  stood  still,  speaking  in  such  even,  clear  tones 
that  he  partly  hypnotized  me.  Instinctively  I  knew 
that  springtime  had  passed,  that  winter  was  soaring 
towards  me. 

A  little  seed  will  grow  to  be  a  tree  and  bear  blos- 
soms into  fruitage;  an  evil  thought  will  bear  and  ex- 
pand to  awful  fulfillment  in  the  world  of  crime.  That 
first  compelling  glance  with  its  secret  wish  had  borne1 
its  bitter,  dead-sea  fruit,  and  I  must  die  of  it,  while 
it  had  all  been  a  matter  of  choice,  as  most  things  are 
in  this  world  of  tears. 

Icily  he  watched  me.     "  Well?  " 

"  There  is  nothing,  but  yet,  it  is  a  long  story,  too. 

99 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

You  know  about  the  great  things  I  had  expected  to  do 
in  the  future.  Then  we  went  to  the  wedding  where 
Dr.  Krutter  took  such  an  interest  in  me  and  advised 
me  so  strongly  not  to  marry  you.  He  asked  me  to 
meet  him  and  talk  it  over  in  his  study,  but  I  never 
went.  Everybody  says  that  there  is  too  much  dif- 
ference in  our  ages ;  but  all  the  world  could  not  make 
me  doubt  your  goodness.  You  have  said  that  you 
were  unworthy  of  me  but  I  am  fathoms  away  your 
inferior.  It  is  not  that  I  dread  marrying  you  so  much 
as  that  I  fear  myself,  afraid  that  married  life  such 
as  you  describe  ours  to  be  might  only  last  through 
the  honeymoon." 

His  lip  curled  over  his  white  teeth  as  a  dog's  does 
before  he  bites. 

"  Krutter  is  no  friend  of  mine ;  for  the  reason  that 
he  was  seriously  in  love  with  a  girl  who  affected  me, 
perhaps  for  no  other  reason  than  to  get  rid  of  him, 
or,  perhaps,  because  she  did  not  care  to  marry  a 
preacher.  At  any  rate  she  took  refuge  in  a  flirtation 
with  me.  It  was  a  rainbow  affair  of  a  day  that  his 
fierce  pursuit  made  more  interesting  to  both  of  us. 
With  the  usual  pompousness  of  such  men  he  took  me 
to  task  for  my  flippant  idea  of  woman.  As  I  am  of 
age,  it  did  not  occur  to  me  that  I  needed  a  sponsor  in 
such  a  contest.  But  that  is  not  all  ?  " 

He  looked  toward  me  as  though  hoping  against 
100 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

hope,  as  one  on  a  raft  might  look  who  expected  to 
see  a  sail. 

"  Surely,"  he  went  on,  "  a  man  like  that  could  not 
deter  your  faith  in  one  whom  you  have  promised  to 
marry,  without  a  just  cause?  " 

"  No,  it  was  not  all  Dr.  Krutter.  You  know,  I 
want  to  test  my  wings,  to  live  the  great  life  out  in 
the  open.  I  want  to  test  these  longings  that  after  all 
may  end  in  nothing.  You  would  not  wait  a  while, 
I  have  just  left  school;  after  so  many  years  of  life 
spent  in  study,  I  want  to  see  the  world  —  to  travel, 
to  win  applause,  to  —  to  — "  and  he  finished  my 
thought,  "  if  you  can  do  so  much  at  nineteen,  in  a  few 
years  of  waiting  how  much  better  can  you  do?  "  He 
turned  his  eyes  away  in  a  look  of  utter  contempt  of 
my  weakness. 

He  preferred  to  be  obtuse  and  not  understand,  and 
allowed  me  to  continue  in  this  morass  of  despair  in 
which  I  seemed  to  be  sinking  deeper.  Could  he  not 
remember  my  liquid,  soaring  voice  that  everyone  else 
said  was  so  marvelous?  Could  he  not  understand 
that  the  iron  health  would  be  apt,  in  marriage,  to  ooze 
away  into  children  who  would  be  a  constant  care  for 
years?  That  perhaps  these  very  children  would  turn 
out  ingrates,  or  shiftless,  if  not  a  disgrace?  Would 
he  not  be  willing  to  save  me  a  thin,  sallow  old  age, 
or  a  fat  greasy  one,  soggy  with  disease?  Was  my 

101 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

mind  so  impenetrable?  Did  he  not  once  say  that  he 
could  read  me  like  a  book?  —  had  the  book  turned 
out  to  be  a  primer,  unworthy  a  second  glance?  To 
be  forced  to  throw  a  javelin  at  his  egotism  was  em- 
barrassing, but  he,  nor  any  other  man,  should  ever 
be  the  Alpha  and  Omega  of  my  existence  (as  the  male 
always  is  in  any  happy  home).  My  life  would  be 
rife  with  strange  plaits  that  his  nature  could  in  no 
way  find  out. 

We  were  both  of  us  thinking  what  we  dared  not 
say  to  each  other.  Neither  of  us  cared  now  to  capit- 
ulate but  he  showed  a  different  attitude  toward  me 
from  that  which  had  so  degraded  me  when  he  first 
came  that  evening. 

With  the  dew  of  life's  morning  upon  her  a  girl 
was  all  the  more  charming  to  his  ennuied  curiosity 
because  of  self-sustained  indifference.  Because  I 
stretched  out  no  hand  to  save  him  he  threw  open  the 
throttle  valve  to  let  his  love  run  full  speed  toward  me. 

Somewhat  encouraged  by  my  success  of  a  partial 
influence  over  him  I  continued, — "  Life  is  too  short, 
too  inanely  incomplete  to  spend  the  best  part  of  it  in 
squaring  the  chairs,  keeping  the  clothes  clean  and 
mended;  to  bear  children  and  at  the  same  time  train 
them, —  that  would  be  all  for  your  sake, — seems  — " 

"  Not  worth  while  ?  "  he  asked. 

While  his  manner  was  that  of  white,  unflinching 
102 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

resolve  personified,  he  gradually  became  listless,  and 
I  felt  that  I  was  uselessly  talking  to  thin  air. 

"  We  have  discussed  this  phase  of  it  so  often  that, 
by  your  continued  preparation  at  least,  you  convinced 
me  that  this  coquetry  was  past  —  done." 

My  pity  was  aroused  as  my  glance  fell  upon  his 
haggard  face,  his  narrow  shoulders,  thin  legs  and 
high,  white  forehead.  Yet  his  physical  nature  neither 
expressed  him  morally,  or  mentally.  That  he  never 
once  showed  the  white  feather  aroused  my  respect 
•  for  him.  He  was  master  of  the  situation,  otherwise 
his  power  to  humilate  me  would  have  caused  me  to 
despise  him.  We  usually  do  hate  those  whom  we 
injure. 

He  looked  into  my  eyes,  so  soft  and  childishly 
chaste,  and  felt  convinced  against  his  will  of  an  in- 
nocence so  true  that  I  did  not  feel  the  necessity  of 
boasting  about  it,  as  false  women  always  do.  His 
minatory  despair  was  somewhat  appeased  at  this. 
His  surely  was  the  triumph.  I  was  the  sawdust  doll 
whom  he  had  expected  to  find  quickened  with  loving 
fire, —  he  would  sweep  me  into  the  dustpan  of  his  past 
to  be  forgotten  with  the  rest  of  the  rubbish.  This 
was  not  meagerly  mortifying. 

"  I  have  a  few  letters  of  yours,"  I  said,  to  fill  up 
the  silence  (in  my  reading  of  such  cases  women  gen- 
erally made  this  remark  in  a  lull  of  hair-tearing). 

103 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

"  Yes,"  he  answered,  retaining  his  apathetic  glare, 
"  and  here  are  yours." 

To  hide  how  bitterly  this  nonchalance  stung  me  I 
hurried  out  of  the  room  to  obtain  the  letters,  those 
of  his  that  he  had  written  to  me. 

"  The  face  of  the  world  is  changed  I  think 
Since  first  I  heard  the  footsteps  of  thy  soul." 

Returning  to  the  room  I  found  Mr.  Starwell  stand- 
ing by  the  hearth.  When  handing  him  the  sacred 
packet,  he  did  not  see  me,  absorbed  as  he  was;  he 
stood  like  a  stone  image,  motionless. 

With  one  hand  on  his  shoulder,  creepingly,  fearfully, 
I  gently  placed  the  precious  packet  in  his  limp  ringers. 

As  a  child  will  throw  away  a  dead  bee  that  has 
stung  him  he  flung  them  from  his  hand  toward  the 
dying  fire.  This  seemed  an  exertion  beyond  his 
strength  and  he  sank  into  a  chair. 

Suddenly  from  out  the  ashes  sprang  into  life  the 
word  "  love."  It  flickered  and  danced  all  about  the 
room.  I  turned;  it  was  actually  enamelled  in 
opalescent  colors  of  flame.  The  hearth  was  alive  with 
the  word  "  love."  Many  sentences  stood  out  in  bold 
relief  such  as,  "  I  shall  love  you  forever,"  "  breathe 
your  name  with  my  dying  breath." 

The  almost  human  sensitiveness  of  the  paper 
writhed  and  curled  over  its  doom  in  the  devouring 
flame. 

104 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

With  a  loud  cry,  as  though  this  was  cruelty  that 
scorched  my  heart,  I  snatched  the  remains  of  this  holy 
cremation  and  held  a  few  of  his  unharmed  letters  to 
my  breast  a  moment  as  I  panted  violently,  then  fell 
on  the  floor  in  a  heap  at  his  feet,  with  my  head  on 
his  hard  knee. 

This  moment  revealed  something  to  me  of  the  dif- 
ference between  the  fullness  of  days  with  love  crowd- 
ing them  merrily  to  overflowing  joy,  with  sweet  warm 
life,  with  inspiration  that  can  sanctify  mean  things 
in  daily  routine,  and  the  hard  emptiness  of  long  dreary 
machine-made  life,  a  life  ground  out  to  suit  a  pattern 
of  ambition  that  brings  only  loveless  uselessness.  In 
a  flash  of  cognition  well  known  to  magnetic  beings,  I 
saw  a  long  waste  of  weary,  pitiless  years,  then  all  was 
black. 

It  seemed  a  week  afterwards  that  he  was  handing 
me  a  large  cool  handkerchief  that  felt  so  dry  and 
comforting,  in  place  of  the  tiny  wet  embroidered  one 
with  which  I  sopped  up  my  tears  as  I  tried  to  get  the 
strands  of  hair  off  my  fiery  cheeks. 

Daring  to  look  up,  my  arms  wound  round  his  neck, 
my  longing  eyes  met  his  inexorable  face.  He  now 
looked  at  me  with  a  helf-melting  expression,  as  his 
cool  fingers  closed  on  my  hot  eyelids. 

"  If  I  had  known  you  loved  me  like  this,"  and  he 
carefully  lifted  me  to  my  feet  and  guided  me  tenderly 
to  the  sofa,  as  one  will  take  care  of  an  invalid. 

105 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

"Do  you  love  me  so,  dearest?"  he  murmured  as 
he  gently  sought  my  lips  in  a  kiss  that  we  forgot 
could  ever  cease,  while  we  embraced. 

The  warm,  soft  contact  of  my  body  had  always 
been  irresistibly  magnetic  to  him  but  to-night  it  was 
almost  a  deliriant.  His  arms  clasped  my  waist  as  if 
he  would  keep  me  to  him  always. 

I  have  yet  to  meet  such  fierce  passion  with  so  per- 
fect a  self-control.  My  own  innocence  was  perhaps 
my  strongest  safeguard. 

"  Dearest,  let  me  go." 

Gently,  gradually  releasing  me,  we  stood  looking 
at  each  other.  The  triumph  of  my  awakened  heart, 
the  surety  that  he  still  hungered  for  my  languorous 
lips,  that  my  love  could  never  satiate  him  was  indeed 
sweet  to  know. 

The  window  shade  had  been  up  all  the  time. 
Someone  lighted  a  light  in  the  upper  room  next  door. 
A  man  turned  away  from  the  window.  "  He  has,  no 
doubt,  been  watching  us,"  he  said  excitedly  as  he 
looked  at  the  window. 

"  No  matter,"  I  said,  "  but  you  must  go ;  it  is  now 
striking  two  o'clock,"  and  he  left  me  after  promising 
to  come  next  evening  and  take  me  to  the  theatre. 

Sybarite  natures  easily  form  a  habit  of  liking  good 
things.  This  love  and  these  kisses  seemed  as  neces- 
sary to  me  now  as  sun  is  to  the  rose,  or  as  spice  is  to 
cake, —  and  youth  will  have  its  innings. 

106 


CHAPTER  XII 

//  only  this  green  world  might  last  forever, 
And  love  be  love,  and  wine  be  wine  forever, 
Eternal  Rose  of  the  Eternal  Spring! 
Would  that  mine  eyes  might  burn  in  thee  forever." 


PROMPTLY  at  the  hour  that  we  had  appointed 
•*•  Mr.  Starwell  came  in  a  carriage  to  take  me  to  a 
play,  which,  in  summer,  is  at  best  tiresome  in  its  flip- 
pancy, and  on  this  particular  evening,  this  memorable, 
white  night  it  seemed  as  if  my  lover  took  me  (on 
trial  for  my  life)  to  the  worst  possible  excuse  for  a 
play.  Never  again  could  the  theatre  seem  so  ghastly 
stupid.  The  cheap  tinsel,  the  clashing  music,  poor 
jokes  and  painted  faces,  the  paper  trees,  all  repre- 
sented only  too  vividly  the  seamy  side  of  the  theatrical 
life  that  heretofore  had  presented  such  an  alluring 
front.  It  seemed  that  my  life  had  been  lived  with  my 
'youth  gone,  and  that  this  was  a  fit  representation  of  all 
that  life  now  meant. 

We  sat  in  our  red  plush  chairs  thinking  of  the 
drama  we  were  playing  rather  than  the  one  on  the 
mimic  stage.  Had  we  been  bidden  to  a  feast  where 

107 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

nothing  but  the  crumbs  remained?  As  the  curtain 
went  down  on  the  second  act  we  both  desired  to  leave 
the  place. 

He  expected  me  to  explain,  and  reiterated  that  it 
was  "  my  duty  to  him  "  until  fear  and  dread  possessed 
me.  With  my  promise  to  make  clear  everything  to 
him  as  yet  in  the  dark  he  became  morosely  silent. 
There  seemed  to  be  no  veil  to  throw  over  my  falsity 
and  weakness.  All  that  one  could  say  now  would 
seem  as  nothing.  Wouldn't  it  all  be  palpable  non- 
sense to  anyone  looking  on?  And  for  fear  of  tears 
I  tried  to  laugh.  If  he  did  not  believe  in  my  in- 
nocence, why  did  he  not  act?  But  ignorance  and  in- 
nocence wrote  my  fate  on  the  wall. 

"  There  is  nothing  to  explain,  it  is  altogether  silly. 
Worried  about  your  fear  of  my  going  upon  the  stage, 
it  seemed  to  me  that  you  were  straining  the  point 
and  in  a  high  tension  mood,  without  thinking  or 
knowing,  something  within  me  made  me  write  that 
letter.  That's  all." 

With  my  tightly  clenched  hands  in  my  lap,  looking 
out  at  the  street  lamps  and  familiar  things  that  used 
to  look  so  lovely  on  these  return  trips  from  the 
theatre  and  that  now  were  so  very  commonplace,  I 
thought  if  a  lover's  quarrel  could  change  the  world 
so  much  what  would  married  life  do  for  me? 

Could  anything  be  said  now  that  would  alter  the 
situation?  Would  either  of  us  want  it  any  other 

1 08 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

way  now?  Words  would  only  be  sheer  nonsense. 
He  reached  out  no  hand  to  save  me,  nor  offered  any 
excuse  or  palliation.  Timidly  the  words  came,  for  I 
must  learn  what  he  thought  of  me.  "  What  do  you 
believe  me  guilty  of?  " 

"  You  have  no  doubt  listened  to  flattery,  and  I  have 
lost  all  confidence  in  you." 

"  Then  all  is  lost,"  I  cried,  in  a  panic  of  awful 
shame  and  it  flashed  upon  me  in  quick  hot  waves  that 
burned  my  flesh  as  he  implied  in  that  cold,  calcu- 
lating way  that  my  honor  was  blackened,  if  in  his  own 
mind  it  had  not  been  destroyed. 

With  trembling  fingers  I  hurriedly,  as  though  I  could 
not  escape  fast  enough,  opened  the  carriage  door, 
gathered  up  my  train  and  rushed  to  the  house  alone,  as 
if  he  was  following  me  with  murderous  intent.  Was 
this,  could  this  be  his  interpretation  of  my  folly? 

The  front  door  of  the  house  stood  open.  It  seemed 
to  me  it  would  have  been  impossible  for  me  to  have 
opened  it  with  my  shaking  fingers  and  blind  eyes. 
I  closed  it  hurriedly  while  in  my  confused  brain  a 
thousand  thoughts  swirled  and  fought  together,  and 
grew  into  a  terrible  conviction  that  something  was 
outside  that  portal  which  would  be  an  everlasting  pur- 
suing evil  to  my  last  day  on  earth. 

With  my  hands  on  my  breast  to  still  the  loud  pound- 
ing of  my  heart,  I  drew  the  curtain  aside  to  look  out 
of  the  window.  The  street  was  empty.  A  distant 

IOQ 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

clatter  of  hoofs;  then,  deathly  stillness.  The  street 
lamps  flickered;  the  dark  houses,  the  plain  black  pall 
of  sky  without  a  star  or  moon.  Ah,  God!  Could 
eternal  sleep  adjust  the  wrong  or  excuse  this  new  con- 
dition? Or  build  again  what  had  been  destroyed? 
Or  could  Providence  redeem  me  from  further  crime  — 
for  had  not  my  silly  heart  forever  marred  one  man's 
happiness. 

A  restless,  dreamless  sleep  was  ended  at  four  o'clock 
by  the  noisy  chatter  of  sparrows.  They  seemed, 
even  in  their  bird  language,  to  be  pitilessly  mocking 
me.  Anything  would  be  better  than  to  be  alone  with 
my  own  thoughts,  so,  dressing  myself,  I  went  out  and 
walked  for  hours,  returning  at  seven  o'clock,  ex- 
hausted, but  convinced  of  the  truth  of  the  hard  les- 
son that  one's  own  folly  is  the  worst  lash  to  a  poor 
fo.ol's  silly  hide,  and  that  in  life  compensation  and 
retribution  are  the  balances  in  the  scales  of  all  our 
living.  "  Mene,  Mene,  Tekel,  Upharsin  " —  and  the 
writing  on  the  wall  was  interpreted  to  mean  that  a 
woman  shall  be  just  or  pay  the  indemnity. 

******* 

That  the  quarrel  was  patched  up  neither  exhilarated 
or  depressed  the  individuals  who  were  obliged  to  live 
through  the  discomforting  details  that  such  a  contre- 
temps generally  inflicts  upon  those  in  the  lover's  en- 
tourage, but  when  the  episode  was  recited  to  them 
with  the  conflicting  testimony  that  any  report  obtains 

no 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

by  repetition,  the  scant  politeness  and  half  respect 
shown  toward  me  was  in  no  sense  conducive  to  con- 
ceit, or  self  content. 

All  who  thought  they  could  ride  me  with  a  gag  bit 
when  the  inevitable  time  came  would  be  thrown  a 
cropper,  I  thought.  Now  they  came  to  their  feet  ex- 
pressing dismay.  Contempt  for  myself  did  not 
altogether  eradicate  a  secret  satisfaction  far  off  in  the 
dim  corners  of  my  heart  where  no  one  was  ever  per- 
mitted to  enter,  that  I  still  had  the  whip-hand,  and  this 
was  the  golden  opportunity  to  show  that  I  had  the 
"pull"  over  them.  If  my  case  was  not  won  now, 
then, —  surely : 

"  You've  gambled  deep  as  Lucifer 
And  won  the  morning  star." 

For  nothing  daunted  my  utter  belief  in  my  own 
capabilities  or  great  future. 

"  Poor  Kate,"  wept  my  gentle,  loving,  home-keep- 
ing mother,  who  with  a  strange  quiet  complacency 
stretched  herself  on  the  nearest  divan  and  gave  her- 
self to  the  luxury  of  tears.  "  Tell  me  again,  for  I 
don't  understand." 

"  Again,"  shouted  my  father,  in  an  impotent  rage. 
"  Again,  what  do  you  want  to  hear  such  stuff  a 
second  time  for?  Don't  you  recognize  the  fact  that 
the  world  will  spit  upon  her,  and  that  the  boys  at  the 
club  will  all  consider  her  euchred?  This  man  will 

in 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

not  keep  this  story  a  secret.  He  believes  she  has  a 
lover,  that  she  has  given  herself  to  this  monkey,  and 
that  she  has  only  delighted  Starwell  with  her  promise 
of  marriage  for  the  sake  of  the  wealth  and  social 
position  she  would  command  as  his  wife,  while  her 
heart  was  given  to  this  other  man,  and  that  he  has 
found  her  out.  Her  name  will  be  dragged  through 
the  mud  of  the  gossips'  mouths.  A  fine  thing,  indeed, 
for  a  young  girl." 

Then  turning  to  me  he  said :  "  You  say  you  are 
not  afraid  of  anything,  why  in  the  devil  didn't  you 
call  for  help  when  he  took  that  letter  off  your  desk? 
Or  why  didn't  you  shoot  him,  or  get  a  policeman  to 
arrest  him  when  he  had  something  of  yours?  A  bad 
woman  would  have  guarded  such  a  letter  with  her  life. 
One  proof,  if  I  had  to  have  proof  of  your  innocence 
in  the  whole  matter,  is  the  cold  way  you  stand  there, 
as  if  you  had  only  asked  for  the  wrong  piece  of  pie 
and  could  change  it. 

"  Damn  it !  Can't  you  see  you  have  wrecked  your 
whole  future?  What  in  the  devil  is  there  to  a 
woman  if  she  hasn't  that  something  in  her  which  in- 
spires confidence  that  a  man  can  bet  on  every  time? 
I  wouldn't  give  a  damn  for  a  woman  without  that, 
not  a  damn !  "  and  he  pounded  a  heavy,  determined 
fist  upon  the  table  as  he  assumed  a  meditative  mood 
which  always  capped  the  climax  of  suffering  of  any 
unusual  outburst  from  him. 

112 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

The  moment  seemed  opportune  to  make  some  ex- 
cuse for  myself,  and  I  said :  "  I  was  not  myself,  I  did 
not  know  why  I  did  it;  he  would  not  listen  to  me 
or  give  it  back,  that  was  all." 

"  All !  "  The  inflection  my  father  put  upon  that 
word  silenced  me.  There  were  times  when  my  ac- 
tions were  strange  even  to  myself  and  they  often 
brought  ignominious  words  to  my  hearing.  "  I  don't 
believe,  Kate,  that  you  are  quite  right." 

As  we  look  over  the  years  how  many  things  have 
been  exactly  as  we  wanted  them  or  as  we  would 
have  had  them  done  now?  Why  can  we  never  hold 
and  keep  our  pet  toy  a  moment  longer  ?  How  quickly 
the  paint  and  glue  show  their  shallow  disposition  and 
frustrate  our  well  laid  plans  to  foster  them  and  make 
them  eternal! 

The  destruction  of  an  empire  would  be  a  small  loss 
to  a  man  of  my  father's  type,  but  he  would  prefer 
death  to  the  vaguest  suggestion  that  a  woman  who 
belonged  to  him  should  cause  a  breath  of  suspicion 
to  tarnish  her  fair  name.  For  this  shame  to  go  un- 
challenged would  be  impossible  to  him,  and  the  worst 
of  all  sufferings. 

It  was  ignoble  in  me  to  care  so  little  for  the  feel- 
ings of  these  two  people  who  would  sacrifice  their 
lives  for  my  happiness.  It  seemed  almost  like  rob- 
bing them  of  some  treasure  that  never  could  be  re- 
placed. Life  or  death,  whatever  came  or  whatever 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

must  be;  henceforth  one  thing  was  certain,  there 
were  no  shackles  in  sight  to  be  put  upon  my  free- 
dom, except,  perhaps,  those  of  disgrace  and  the 
misery  of  those  dearest  to  me.  Now,  I  was  as  one 
who  watches  the  close  view  of  a  city's  chimney  pots 
as  compared  to  the  great  limitless  ocean  just  beyond, 
out  of  which  was  soon  to  rise  hope  and  peace.  Ah, 
liberty ! 

Could  man  or  woman  ask  more? 


114 


CHAPTER  XIII 

We  shall  change  as  the  things  that  we  cherish, 
Shall  fade,  as  they  fade  before, 
As  foam  upon  water  shall  perish, 
As  sands  upon  the  shore." 


'  I  %HE  seventh  of  June  was  to  be  the  day  of  our 
•*•  marriage;  that  holy  celebration  of  a  moment 
when  a  young  girl  has  rounded  her  joyous  circle  of 
girlhood,  to  enter  the  new  life  that  she  believes  is  to 
make  her  happiness  and  to  lift  her  to  the  seventh 
Heaven,  that  acme  of  every  woman's  hopes  —  an  ideal 
marriage. 

The  honeymoon  is  eagerly  anticipated.  The  bride- 
elect  compares  her  future  with  her  present,  when 
everyone  gratifies  her  every  wish.  Instead  of  this 
great  white  splendor  of  a  bridal  fete,  here  I  sat  in 
the  dark,  alone,  philosophizing  on  how  easily  some 
women  will  sever  a  tie  that  ought  to  be,  but  rarely 
is,  considered  sacred.  To-night  I  should  have  been 
resplendent  in  my  white  dress  and  pearls,  with 
worshipful  friends  crowding  about  me,  making  me 

"5 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

a  queen, —  with  faith,  and  good  will.  But  instead 
I  was  sitting  alone. 

All  the  world  loves  a  lover.  This  had  been  proven 
to  me;  for  all  the  world  had  paid  homage  to  me. 
Now,  only  the  outlook  of  spinsterhood  and  hard- 
headed  good  sense  was  left  to  me.  The  other  pros- 
pect was  a  white,  beautiful  dream  that  became  a 
chimera. 

While  thus  soliloquizing  the  maid  knocked  on  my 
door  and  announced  Mr.  Starwell. 

Without  waiting  to  more  than  cast  a  passing  glance 
in  my  mirror  I  descended  to  the  parlor,  wondering 
what  could  be  his  errand. 

Mr.  Starwell  had  come  on  horseback,  and  he  asked 
me  if  I  did  not  want  to  take  a  short  ride  with  him, 
suggesting  that  I  would  have  time  to  put  on  my  habit 
while  my  horse  was  being  saddled.  His  excuse  for 
our  outing  was  that  he  had  to  go  to  the  house  he  had 
rented  on  a  matter  of  business. 

Finally,  we  were  riding  our  horses  along  the  dusty 
back  streets  of  a  city  that  now  seemed  ugly  and  ab- 
horrent to  me  and  my  thought  was,  if  only  some 
awful  catastrophy  would  swallow  me  bodily  and  re- 
lieve me  from  myself.  Glances  of  derision  were 
given  me  by  my  friends.  Perhaps  I  deserved  the 
suspicion  of  the  man  beside  me,  not  to  mention  the 
distrust  of  my  father,  and  the  worse  than  indifference 
of  my  mother.  The  general  outlook  of  life  was  now 

116 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

only  waste  and  failure  where  all  had  been  high 
hopes. 

Mr.  Starwell,  with  the  excuse  of  an  errand  to  "  our  " 
house,  wanted  to  elicit  from  me  some  desire  to  see 
what  sort  of  a  home  he  had  wished  to  provide  for  me ; 
but  he  was  entirely  disappointed  in  his  plan;  for  I 
allowed  him  to  go  into  the  house  alone.  A  hand- 
organ  on  the  next  block  was  playing  popular  airs,  to 
which  I  listlessly  listened.  The  heat  was  oppressive, 
with  a  dead  sultriness  as  when  the  trees,  with  their 
•leaves  drooping  in  the  parched,  dusty  air  fairly  send 
out  more  heat  instead  of  coolness  to  a  languorous, 
withered  world. 

At  last  with  great  relief  I  heard  voices  at  the  top 
of  the  long  flight  of  steps  and  as  they  came  nearer 
I  caught  the  words,  "  Oh,  Mr.  Starwell,  we  think  it  a 
dovecote  and  shall  be  very  happy  to  take  as  long  a 
lease  as  you  will  give  us." 

They  stood  looking  into  the  street,  the  woman 
leaning  toward  the  man  with  her  hand  on  his  shoulder, 
in  the  unmistakable  attitude  of  the  newly-wed,  but 
seeing  me  she  darted  back  into  the  house.  Some- 
thing about  this  made  it  significant  to  me. 

"  When  breast  to  breast  we  clung,  even  I,  and  she, 
A  spirit,  when  her  spirit  looked  through  me, 
A  God,  when  all  our  life  breath  met  to  fan 
Our  life,  beloved,  till  love's  emulous  ardor  ran 
Fire  within  fire, —  desire  in  deity." 
117 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

Soon  we  rode  away  in  silence.  People  lined  the 
steps  of  the  houses;  neighbors  were  talking  in  low 
tones  to  each  other,  while  a  few  children  played  in 
the  street.  The  moon  was  silvering  everything  with 
soft,  magic  light. 

We  came  to  a  narrow  road  shaded  by  great  over- 
hanging willow  trees.  As  if  of  their  own  accord 
the  horses  stopped,  close  together.  Without  a  word 
my  lover  clasped  me  close  about  the  waist,  saying,  as 
our  lips  met,  "  for  the  last  time." 

We  rode  on  in  silence.  He  felt  that  the  mystery 
about  it  was  deeper  than  ever  and  would  never  be 
revealed.  His  future  had  been  laid  on  the  knees  of 
the  gods.  He  would  never  again  wear  the  gem  of 
faith.  Finally  our  horses  walked  up  the  path  to  the 
house,  where  his  "  good  night "  to  me  was  as  .of  one 
stranger  to  another. 

When  alone,  I  stood  a  long  while  in  the  dim  moon- 
light. A  new  way  was  made  visible,  opening  on  a 
tortuous  path,  hard  and  terrible  and  not  altogether 
innocent,  where  the  orchestral  harmonies  of  a  safe 
married  life  would  be  replaced  by  the  hand-organ 
jingles  of  everyday  commonplace.  As  in  a  vision  I 
saw  that  a  dream  is  not  always  a  fulfillment. 

As  I  lingeringly  went  up  the  steps  to  the  porch,  my 
father's  eyes  fairly  glistened,  hawk-like,  in  the  dark- 
ness, where  his  alert  eagerness  could  be  felt  rather 

118 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

than  seen,  as  he  asked  much  about  the  things  he 
wanted  to  know  in  the  one  word,  "  Well !  " 

Cold  shivers  crept  over  me  as  I  remembered  the 
silent  ride,  unproductive  of  any  change.  "  There  is 
nothing.  Everything  is  just  the  same.  We  have 
parted,  this  time,  I  suppose,  forever." 

The  words  brought  to  me  the  sense  that  my  lot 
would  now  be  different  from  anything  I  had  ever 
expected.  This  would  be  a  new  page  upon  which 
would  be  read  ruthless  sarcasm  from  women,  biting 
-criticism,  laid  sizzling  hot  in  the  open  wound  of  my 
heart,  and  I  should  have  to  face  it  all  alone,  without 
a  murmur  or  a  regret. 

Mr.  Starwell  had  tried  to  encourage  me,  had  been 
almost  the  lover  as  he  stopped  the  slowly  walking 
horses  by  a  touch,  and  had  kissed  me  gently,  plain- 
tively, and  had  laid  his  hand  on  my  horse's  mane  as 
he  whispered,  "  I  would  like  to  buy  this  horse  from 
you  " ;  and  as  the  two  horses  put  their  noses  together, 
—  who  can  tell  but  they  felt  the  spirit  of  our  long 
farewell  in  the  faintly  gleaming  moonlit  air,  as  the 
leaves,  or  the  great  silence  whispered  —  of  what? 

Though  my  lover  once,  would  he  now  substitute 
himself  my  hater,  as  is  often  the  case  when  a  vehement 
adorer,  who  has  once  vowed  himself,  changes  his 
mood? 

I  went  upstairs  to  put  on  a  cool  gown, —  I  had 
119 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

expected  to  gain  happiness  with  freedom,  but  it  did 
not  seem  to  come  as  buoyantly  and  quickly  as  ex- 
pected ;  some  way,  it  did  not  seem  that  real,  true,  light- 
hearted  happiness  would  ever  be  for  me,  who  showed 
herself  to  be  naturally  a  turncoat  and  a  deceiver. 

Mr.  Starwell's  deportment  might  have  been  de- 
scribed by  his  pet  word  "  elegant " ;  subtly  refined,  he 
abhorred  the  excessive.  He  walked  with  stately  tread 
the  path  of  severe  conventionality,  anyone  differing 
with  him  forfeited  his  respect. 

He  had  made  love  by  rote, —  surely  offense  enough 
to  a  silly,  romantic  girl  whose  type  of  man  was  a  stage 
hero. 

As  a  teacher  expounding  a  new  rule  of  arithmetic 
he  had  taught  me  my  inexperience.  In  all  his  actions 
my  lover  had  showed  a  suspicious  lack  of  confidence 
in  me  that  no  effort  of  mine  had  been  able  to  change 
or  cure.  My  supreme  innocence  was  one  drawback 
to  his  knowledge  of  me  in  this  situation;  for  I  knew 
no  more  of  the  world  and  its  popular  vices  than  a 
Hottentot  does  of  God,  or  a  smelling  bottle.  As  yet 
the  freedom  of  youth  had  not  drilled  me  to  know  that 
conventionality  is  a  veil  for  vice  and  not  always,  as 
I  had  supposed,  a  bulwark  of  virtue. 

The  world,  filled  as  it  is  with  evil  minded,  doubt- 
ing Thomases,  can  never  be  happy,  and  the  worst  of 
it  is  that  the  higher  we  go  up  in  the  social  scale  the 
more  of  those  we  find  who  will  never  give  credit  for 

1 20 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

more  than  can  be  seen.  The  physical  eye  is  adjusted 
only  to  see  the  physical,  and  society  has  little  time  for 
the  sensitive  cultivation  of  the  purely  spiritual  side 
of  our  nature;  with  raised  eyebrows  and  pointed 
ringer  it  asks :  "  Why  does  he  eat  with  publicans  and 
sinners?"  not  recognizing  the  fact  that  its  own  sinful 
selfishness  may  be  looked  upon  as  the  worst  crime 
of  all.  Its  ridiculous  finery  and  excessive  wealth 
lavished  on  trifles,  in  comparison  to  its  cheap  gossip, 
and  tawdry  soul,  makes  the  "  other  half  "  smile,  not 
in  derision,  but  in  pity. 

With  these  thoughts  seething  in  my  childish  brain 
I  went  to  the  '  spare  room/  where  my  brocade,  pearl- 
sewn  wedding-dress  and  veil  lay  in  silent,  white  mock- 
ery. I  kissed  the  train  of  this  symbol  as  I  knelt  beside 
it,  wetting  it  with  my  tears ;  and,  feeling  conscious  of 
my  utter  helplessness,  I  asked  God  to  give  me  guidance 
in  this  dire  doubt  and  misery. 


121 


CHAPTER  XIV 

Love  comes  unseen,  we  only  see  it  go, 

None  but  death  loves  the  lips  by  love  forsaken. 

*****#*=( 

Youth  like  a  magic  bird  has  flown  away. 
He  sang  a  little  morning  hour  in  May, 
Sang  to  the  Rose  his  love,  that  is  gone, 
Whither,  is  more  than  you  or  I  can  say." 


T  OOKING  about  over  the  broad,  empty  plain  in 
•*— '  the  center  of  which  I  seemed  to  myself  now  to 
stand,  I  reveled  in  the  fact  that  my  energy  was  in 
no  way  diminished  by  the  exhausting  experiences  I 
had  just  passed  through.  Much  of  the  poetical 
idealism  of  my  nature  had  been  ravelled  out,  but  the 
idea  of  idle  hands  or  brain  was  impossible  to  me. 

While  the  stage  was  to  be  my  ultimate  life  work, 
my  mother  needed  too  much  of  my  attention  now  for 
me  to  think  of  it  immediately.  She  needed  encourage- 
ment mentally,  morally  and  physically,  which  I  felt  I 
was  alone  able  to  give,  but  this  was  not  enough  for 
my  beleaguered  soul. 

122 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

The  thing  nearest  to  hand  was  the  poor,  that  easy 
commodity  that  we  have  always  with  us. 

My  work  among  the  poor  foreigners  showed  me 
that  they  possessed  all  the  vices,  without  any  of  the 
redeeming  qualities  of  the  rich.  They  were  mostly 
socialistic  in  their  views,  in  the  lowest  sense,  trying  to 
break  down  what  had  already  been  built  that  they 
might  finally  stand  where  the  men  stood  whom  they 
had  reviled.  Braggart,  ignorant,  self-opinionated, 
the  work  done  for  them  was  neither  understood  nor 
appreciated.  They  took  the  unselfish  devotion  to  a 
cause  for  the  betterment  of  mankind  to  be  a  sort  of 
self-aggrandizement  and  self-exhibition,  if  not  alto- 
gether a  means  for  commercial  advertisement  and 
comparison.  The  wheel  slid  back  as  far  as  it  went 
up  hill,  and  settlement  workers  rather  prided  them- 
selves on  the  spectacle  they  made  in  showing  what 
small  results  might  accrue  from  a  mighty  effort. 

"  God  help  the  rich,  the  poor  can  beg,"  became  a 
retaliatory  war  cry  in  place  of  my  former  craze  that 
only  the  poor  were  in  need  of  the  missionary. 

Seeing  a  pretty,  furbelowed  woman  driving  alone 
in  a  victoria  no  longer  seemed  the  keen  injustice  that 
once  I  had  felt  it  to  be  against  some  sane,  poor  woman 
with  a  dirty  brat  in  her  arms.  The  world  would 
never  change  on  account  of  a  few  illusionists  without 
enough  stamina  to  say  how  disheartening  was  the 
conflict  of  poverty  against  the  rich.  The  richest  man 

123 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

in  this  country  had  once  been  the  poorest  —  Ah, 
bah! 

What  joy,  or  pain,  or  friend,  or  anything  that  our 
lichen  hearts  attach  to  but  passes  or  fades !  Sphinxes, 
crepe,  withered  flowers  filled  the  earth  with  their 
symbols,  yet  the  wheels  had  not  rolled  over  my  joyous 
heart  to  teach  it  the  lesson  of  humility.  I  was,  how- 
ever, beginning  to  see  that  human  nature  surpasses  all 
things  for  weakness. 

A  thing  that  is  not  evil  must  be  good.  Would  I 
not  fulfill  a  mission  by  educating  myself,  spending 
my  time  in  reading,  singing,  and  entertaining  my 
family  ? 

One  night,  while  lolling  in  the  hammock  gazing  at 
the  moon,  wondering  about  it  all  and  the  use 
of  anything  in  the  world,  a  childhood  friend,  Clyde 
Gallaway,  in  passing  saw  me  and  came  up  on  the 
porch. 

His  appearance  always  presaged  a  lot  of  new 
gossip,  as  sure  as  the  east  wind  brings  the  rain.  After 
the  usual  budget  had  been  delivered  he  suddenly 
asked  me :  "  Ironclad,  why  don't  you  marry  ?  ' 

"  Because  I  don't  wish  to." 

"  Every  woman  wishes  to  marry,  you  don't  want 
to  be  an  old  maid,  do  you  ?  " 

"  You  speak  with  the  conviction  of  a  quack  doctor 
whose  medicine  purports  to  cure  all  ills.  I  simply 
won't  marry  till  I  can't  help  myself,  and  that  will  be 

124 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

some  time  hence,  unless  the  world  breeds  different 
men  from  those  on  my  docket." 

"  But  the  men  are  as  good  as  the  women  will  let 
them  be." 

"  There,  Clyde,  that  will  do ;  you  have  one  of  the 
beauties  of  youth  at  least,  a  brutal  candor,  but  it 
can  never  harm  me ;  whether  young  or  old,  men  are 
all  the  same,  and  will  forever  remain  so  in  some  re- 
spects. Until  you  are  eighty  your  mind  on  the  sub- 
ject of  women  will  wear  knee  pants.  A  woman  lays 
in  a  moth-eaten  moral  dotage,  with  her  false  teeth 
and  rouge  pots,  when  a  man  sheds  his  eaton  jackets 
and  smokes  his  first  cigarette.  You  are  friend  enough 
to  endure  my  candor,  as  I  do  yours." 

"  Oh,  Ironclad,  I  did  not  mean  any  harm,"  humbly 
apologized  the  boy,  "  but  to  think  of  a  girl  with  your 
eyes,  the  curves  of  your  mouth,  with  your  figure, 
your  mind,  ah!  what  a  wife  and  mother  you  would 
make !  A  woman  really  isn't  anybody  till  she  is  mar- 
ried. With  a  baby's  arm  around  your  neck  you 
would  begin  to  learn  what  disinterested  love  is  like, 
above  all,  what  it  is  worth,"  he  said  as  he  stretched 
his  hand  toward  the  hammock. 

"  Your  views  are  all  one-sided,  Clyde.  I  suppose 
you  cannot  feel  that  they  are  if  you  can  only  believe 
that  love  is  all  a  delusion,  that  man  is  simply  endowed 
with  this  instinct  that  you  call  love  by  his  creator, — 
who  describes  himself  as  a  jealous  God  —  who  com- 

125 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

mands  His  creatures  to  go  and  create  more  of  their 
kind.  You  simply  obey  a  command  of  the  higher 
power  to  a  lower.  Don't  eulogize  love,  as  you  call  it, 
to  me  if  you  want  to  sit  here  and  keep  me  company 
in  this  glorious  moonlight.  Let  us  talk  of  something 
more  uplifting." 

"  Nonsense,"  persisted  my  young  neophyte,  lately 
engaged,  "  you  will  make  a  slave  of  yourself  to  the 
man  when  he  finally  appears,  for  there  is  always  and 
ever  will  be  a  man  who  is  loved  in  the  life  of  a  woman 
like  you. 

"  All  the  fellows  adore  you,"  he  went  on  as  I 
hummed  a  tune  to  myself  and  he  gently  swayed  the 
hammock  back  and  forth,  "  but  you  are  so  deuced 
clever  at  making  enemies,  you  do  take  people's  heads 
off  most  unmercifully.  A  few  of  the  lads  at  the  club, 
—  but  then  they  are  not  gentlemen,  of  course,  and  no 
one  pays  any  attention  to  them, —  go  about  scattering 
their  rascally  tales  about  you." 

"  It  is  well  to  cause  comment  of  some  kind,  rather 
than  to  be  an  insipid  ninny,"  I  retorted. 

"  But  can't  you  fall  in  love ;  don't  you  want  to 
marry?  " 

"  Oh,  Clyde !  There  are  other  things  more  im- 
portant to  me." 

"  There  is  nothing  in  life  more  important  than  love. 
It  is  life  itself  to  me,"  replied  the  boy. 

He  spoke  in  a  whisper,  it  was  all  so  sacred  to  him. 
126 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

I  dared  not  topple  over  his  little  snow  doll  too 
brusquely;  the  fiery  sun  of  experience  would  destroy 
it  soon  enough. 

"  Most  women  of  your  age  have  been  in  love.  If 
you  had  you  would  not  talk  as.  you  do.  To  think  of 
your  wonderful  magnetism,  your  positive  virtue;  to 
have  built  up  a  character  as  you  have,  in  spite  of  every- 
thing, when  it  has  been  against  fearful  odds,  I  know. 
Oh !  you  must  marry !  " 

"If  you  will  give  me  a  sufficient  reason,  I  will 
consider  it.  Many  of  the  women  in  our  set  use  mar- 
riage as  a  cloak  to  a  life  they  could  not  otherwise 
lead,  but  that  or  any  other  side  of  it  does  not  appeal 
to  my  reason.  This  perfect  health  of  mine  has  never 
known  a  break,  my  body  never  has  known  fatigue, 
my  spirit  is  naturally  lovely.  One  potent  reason  I 
would  have  for  marrying  would  be  to  enrich  myself 
in  order  to  have  a  few  schemes  promulgated  that  are 
unpracticable  for  want  of  money,  when  I  might  be 
able  to  discover  if  there  is  any  law  wiser,  or  more 
satisfying  to  ourselves  than  that  we  should  love  our 
neighbor  as  ourselves." 

"  Yes,  but  if  you  marry  a  rich  man  he  will  either 
be  an  old  crank,  or  a  young  fool;  in  either  case  take 
care  that  you  get  the  money.  A  man  of  vast  wealth 
is  not  generally  lovable,  and  if  you  marry  one,  society 
would  condemn  you." 

"  Oh,  no,  Clyde,  society  is  never  averse  to  the  man 
127 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

or  woman  with  money;  it  is  the  staple  product  upon 
which  all  other  considerations  are  based.  It  is  one 
of  nature's  fine  equations.  Perhaps  there  is  too  much 
social  freedom  rampant  in  the  air." 

A  groan  of  dissent,  with  a  sympathetic  squeeze  of 
the  hand,  did  not  prevent  me  from  rattling  on  in  a 
whirl  of  involuntary  impetus:  "Nobody  knows  what 
love  is,  except  that  it  is  the  foundation  of  the  family. 
Love  is  the  lever  of  the  world,  the  mainspring  of 
humanity.  So,  aside  from  any  ambition  or  craving 
to  enhance  the  beauty  of  living,  or  a  desire  for  doing 
the  heroics  that  good  may  accrue,  it  is  now  my  convic- 
tion that  marriage  is  the  primary  fundamental  step. 
The  heart  and  soul  long  for  a  completion  in  their 
psychic  evolution  that  can  never  be  wrought  out  alone. 
Everything  testifies  to  the  inane  futility  of  any  attempt 
to  reform  the  world  by  one  sex  alone." 

Clyde's  wrapt  attention  encouraged  me  to  con- 
tinue. 

"  Female  intuitive  finesse  and  fancy  may  lead  the 
male  brute  who  inhabits  the  earth  with  life  to  his 
best  accomplishments  and  doughty  deeds." 

"  Love  reads  peace  and  happiness.     There  would 
be  nothing  in  the  world  lovely  or  beautiful  without  the 
divine  teaching  that  '  The  greatest  of  these  is  Love,' ' 
he  interposed. 

"  But,  Clyde,  no  one  has  offered  me  this  pure, 
unleavened  bread;  instead,  men  thrust  their  swelter- 

128 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

ing  passions  upon  me,  to  consume  me  for  their  own 
gratification.  It  is  tiresome  waiting  for  an  affinity. 
I  might  now  wear  a  crown  made  of  engagement  rings 
if  an  old-fashioned,  puritanical  conscience  had  not 
interfered.  To  Balzac's  twenty  reasons  for  marry- 
ing I  might  add  a  few  more.  His  list  is  as  follows; 
if  you  have  time  to  hear,"  and,  as  I  had  just  read 
them  I  counted  them  over  on  my  fingers : 

"  '  First  —  Ambition, 

'  Then  —  Goodness  —  to  tear  a  girl  from  a  tyran- 
nical family, 

"  '  Maybe  —  Anger  —  to   disinherit  the  collaterals. 

"'  Perhaps  —  Disdain  —  of  an  unfaithful  mistress. 

"  '  Probably  —  Ennui  —  of  the  bachelor  life. 

"  '  It  has  been  a  —  Bet  —  as  in  Lord  Byron's  case. 

"'Or  for  — Honor  — 

"  '  Very  often  it  is  —  Interest' —  but  this  is  nearly 
always  so  he  adds." 

"  Oh,  Ironclad,  do  stop  — " 

"  '  Or  it  may  be  —  Youth  —  coming  out  of  college 
one  is  giddy. 

"'Or  —  Plainness — fearing  lack  of  another  op- 
portunity. 

"  '  In  France  —  Machiavelism  —  to  quickly  inherit 
from  a  relative. 

"  '  In  England  or  Germany  —  Necessity  —  to  give 
an  estate  to  an  heir. 

"  '  Or  —  Obligation  —  on  account  of  feeble  health. 
129 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

"  '  Or  youthful  Passion  —  in  order  to  cure  it.' — 
Never ! 

*  Or  a  widow  and  her  lawyer  Quarrel  —  to  finish 
a  law  suit. 

"  '  Or  —  Gratitude  —  so  as  to  give  more  than  we 
have  received. 

"  '  Among  middle  aged  —  for  Wisdom  —  as  some- 
thing suggested  to  theorists. 

"  '  Or  —  A  will  —  when  an  uncle  dies  leaving 
money. 

"'Or  —  Custom  —  an  imitation  of  our  grand- 
fathers.'—  Bosh ! 

"  *  Or  —  Old  age  —  to  make  a  good  finish.' —  Bosh ! 

"  '  Or  —  Zeal  —  to  guard  against  committing  sin.' 

"  Besides  this  formidable  array  of  reasons  for  mar- 
riage your  little  one  of  love  looks  rather  puny,  don't 
you  think  so?  A  friend  of  mine,  who  is  an  analyst, 
describes  love  as  a  disease." 

Clyde  was  a  good  audience  to  practice  upon.  I 
felt  like  giving  a  dissertation  upon  a  topic  and  thoughts 
that  now  were  a  part  of  my  daily  life,  so  I  continued: 

"  Maybe,  according  to  that,  my  health  is  too  good. 
Love  may  be  the  effect  of  an  overfed  nicety  with 
those  who  live  on  the  heights,  in  the  fragrant,  uncon- 
taminated  air  of  an  assured  social  position,  who  have 
never  suffered  the  pangs  of  starvation,  never  walked 
the  streets  in  shabby  clothes  looking  for  work;  never 
been  sick  in  a  vile  smelling  room,  or  one  full  of  moral 

130 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

disorder,  cramping  its  inmates  in  every  fibre  of  their 
being  with  that  dragging  perverseness  so  aggravating 
and  degrading  to  human  nature. 

"  Poverty,  that  keeps  one's  soul  mortgaged  to  a 
rich  corporation  with  every  pulse  throb  belonging  to 
the  man  who  pays.  When  he  cannot  eat  a  meal,  take 
a  Sunday  stroll,  or  give  the  baby  a  toy  without  that 
one  idea,  that  ever  hammering  truth,  pounding  the 
throttle  valve  that  drives  one  mad  with  its  everlasting 
din." 

"  Where  did  you  learn  that  speech  ?  You  are  a 
great  orator,"  mildly  suggested  Clyde  in  his  boyish 
admiration. 

"  Then,  there  is  the  man  who  must  wear  the  ball 
and  chain  for  an  inherited  sin,  the  stigma  upon  one 
where  the  sins  of  the  fathers  are  visited  upon  the 
children,  where  the  taint  of  blood,  the  curse  of  idle- 
ness, or  the  bodily  sweat  of  toiling  ignorance  is  as 
much  a  part  of  him  as  the  color  and  profound  mechan- 
ism of  his  eyes. 

"  We  may  not  be  blamed  for  not  understanding  a 
problem  that  has  never  been  tabulated  in  our  con- 
science, but  shall  we  forever  be  held  unaccountable 
to  the  dire  fact  that  we  ignore  the  men  below,  the 
toiling,  moiling,  sweating,  suffering  slaves  of  our 
galley-boat,  that  we  may  loll  at  ease  on  a  sea  of  calm 
credulity  where  all  is  well,  because  we,  forsooth,  are 
conscienceless.  The  earth  groans,  the  air  is  poisoned. 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

water  runs  filth,  and  lives  must  be  crushed  under  that 
we  may  stand  at  ease,  arrayed  in  the  best  that  the 
world  can  bestow?  People  talk  of  love  when  they 
mean  money,  money,  money!  The  coin  can  convert 
to  its  following  more  souls  than  any  religion,  science 
or  creed." 

"  You  don't  really  believe  that,"  pleaded  Clyde. 

"  When  I  get  money,  I  shall  find  out  whether  my 
fine  ideas  about  the  poor  are  point-lace  affairs  to  be 
talked  of  at  women's  clubs  or  a  practical,  iron  crow- 
bar that  will  crush  out  a  horror  or  two,  as  it  prods  it 
forth.  The  sight  of  their  husbands  is  a  cure  when 
I  envy  women  their  children  and  wealth. 

"  The  monotonous  humdrum  of  married  life  is  its 
great  bane  —  then  look  at  what  it  leads  to.  Sociolo- 
gists do  not  ascribe  polygamy  alone  to  the  Turk  and 
the  Mormon. 

"  The  old  maid's  life  is  filled  with  constant 
change.  She  wanders  at  will  over  beflowered  valleys 
of  pleasure,  roves  the  mountains  of  ambition,  so  weird 
and  wild,  or  plods  through  the  hot  deserts  on  to  love- 
liness. The  life  at  least  never  spells  ennui,  as  yours 
will  after  six  months  of  marriage,  when  you  can  be 
caught  at  the  club,  or  in  the  coulisse  of  a  theatre 
instead  of  wifey's  arms. 

"  The  cap  sheaf  of  all  things  is  liberty.  Married 
people  all  insinuate  that  it  is  at  least,  and  give  the 
impression  that  it  is  unattainable  for  them. 

132 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

"  I  am  perfectly  happy.  Do  you  know  of  another 
woman  with  a  sweeter  temper?" 

We  both  laughed.  The  tension  we  had  been  under 
was  broken. 

Clyde  made  a  new  effort  to  proselyte  me  in  a  ques- 
tion which  was  meant  to  answer  mine: 

"  Which  Hell-gate  in  the  Inferno  did  Dante  dedi- 
cate to  the  celibate?  And  yet  they  say  you  have 
loved.  Of  all  your  '  affaires  du  coeur  '  the  last  two 
were  the  most  startling." 

"  You  listen  to  rumor,  which  is  bad." 

But  Clyde  hurriedly  said :  "  Dame  Rumor  is  not 
always  a  liar,  and  she  said  that  you  were  engaged 
to  a  boy  of  eighteen  and  a  man  of  seventy-five  at 
the  same  time." 

"  Old  Dame  Rumor  is  half  a  prig,  but,  like  all 
lies,  there  is  a  grain  of  truth  at  the  foundation  of 
this,  for  I  really  enjoy  flirting,  as  some  people  like 
good  food  or  horse  racing.  With  youth  one  can  have 
a  jolly,  rejuvenating  experience  that  is  a  tonic  to  the 
nerves,  while  old  age  levels  our  too  buoyant  spirits, 
as  it  increases  our  judgment  and  leads  us  to  thought- 
fulness.  It  takes  either  extreme  to  really  flatter  a 
woman,  while  an  '  eligible  '  of  middle  age  courts  a 
woman  from  egotism;  she  flatters  him;  it  is  a  vanity 
for  both  of  them." 

"  While  you  are  flippant,  you  do  not  laugh  at  the 
sanctity  of  the  home  or  the  family,  do  you?"  sol- 

133 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

emnly  asked  Clyde.  "  Isn't  it  sacred  to  your  mind  ? 
What  would  the  world  be  without  such  an  institu- 
tion? You,  if  you  ever  loved  a  man,  would  cook  his 
dinner  with  devotion  and  preserve  his  home  with  your 
life." 

"  You  pin  me  down  to  logarithms.  Perhaps  it  is 
solvent  upon  us  that  we  need  a  new  Moses  to  pound 
the  Decalogue  at  us  and  point  us  to  serpents  cropping 
out  of  dead  branches,  and  that  the  American  and 
French  women  need  to  multiply  more,  that  the  hearth 
may  have  a  live  coal  of  grace  added  to  its  dead  ashes 
of  Gomorrah. 

"  Women  and  royalty  need  never  make  excuses. 
Do  not  expect  me  to  bend  the  knee.  This  moonlight 
is  so  soft,  and  the  air  is  so  lulling  it  is  too  bad  you 
don't  take  advantage  of  the  mise  en  scene  and  show 
me  how  you  make  love." 

''  You  don't  seem  to  remember  that  I  am  soon  to 
be  married.  But,  tell  me  about  those  two  men  and 
how  you  entangled  yourself  in  your  flirtations  with 
them." 

"  You  are  peevish,  Clyde,  even  God  could  not  pin 
the  Devil  down  to  anything,  and  I,  a  daughter  of  the 
Devil,  must  repeat  the  old  proverb  — '  like  father,  like 
child.'  Some  of  the  red  has  gotten  daubed  into  me. 
It  was  all  part  of  the  pattern  of  my  life,  one  of  the 
inevitable  fatal  coincidences. 

"  A  boy  of  seventeen  or  eighteen,  just  escaped  from 

134 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

the  confinement  of  his  college  year,  finds  in  a  woman 
a  trifle  older  than  he,  first,  friend,  then  mother,  sister, 
and  finally  love,  his  apotheosis.  The  young  man  to 
the  '  old  maid '  has  all  the  candor,  the  aplomb,  the 
fresh  buoyancy  that  fairly  entices  one  to  swim  out  in 
the  breezy,  cool  open  of  unconventionalism. 

"  Jack  Forester  offered  me  the  bud  and  blossom  of 
his  first,  equivocal  love,  and  it  was  to  me  like  the 
marron  glace  habit,  hard  to  acquire,  but  impossible 
to  stop.  It  was  so  newly,  so  deliciously  sincere. 

"  We  met  the  summer  that  Papa  and  I  went  to 
Nantucket,  because  Papa  did  not  want  to  be  foozeled 
by  any  racket,  so  we  lived  quietly  as  clams,  went  to- 
bed  with  the  last  round  of  the  town  crier,  and  adapted! 
our  moods  and  modes  to  the  place,  at  perfect  peace 
with  nature  —  which  at  Nantucket  means  sand  and 
a  dozen  or  two  scrub  oaks,  with  the  limitless  sea 
everywhere  to  look  at.  We  encouraged  no  longings 
for  the  world  or  its  rasping  noise  or  vulgar  markets. 
My  whole  being  was  swept  clean  of  the  grossness  that 
is  the  groundwork  for  a  society  leader. 

"  This  content  was  interesting.  It  cleared  away 
all  sordidness  till  it  left  the  soul  with  a  pure  empti- 
ness that  is  true  Nirvana. 

"  One  day,  lying  on  my  back,  serenely  imbedded  in 
the  white  sand,  with  a  big  green  sunshade  over  me,  in 
heavenly  oblivion  of  everything  earthly,  and  looking 
up  at  the  blue  sky  that  met  the  deep  colored  run 

135 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

of  the  turquoise  sea  in  a  perfect  bowl  interrupted 
by  a  single  sail,  my  dream  was  shattered  by  some 
one  lifting  my  umbrella,  and  Minerva  Mills  laughed  in 
my  face. 

"  Then,  such  a  clatter  of  talk,  whew !  Minerva 
would  talk  to  a  wild  zebra,  especially  if  she  ever  got  on 
that  subject  of  Isaac  Snow,  who  has  been  her  '  best 
friend  '  for  twenty  years.  All  that  time  she  has  been 
regaled  by  him,  and  he  has  become  a  victim  to  the 
habit.  She  talks  of  him  in  a  much  kinder  way  than 
if  he  were  her  husband.  So  was  my  sweet  oblivion 
all  gone. 

"  '  The  smell  of  blood  came  to  the  tame  tiger  when 
he  ate  up  his  master.'  Minerva  was  all  dances  and 
clothes.  She  reeked  with  tales  of  wildest  hue  about 
things  and  people. 

"  Clay  vessels  will  walk  if  animated  with  desire 
and  my  soul  now  longed  for  the  fleshpots  of  Egypt, 
but  there  was  my  promise  to  poor  Papa,  who  needed 
the  rest. 

"  I  invited  Minerva  to  dine  with  us  that  night,  and 
she  mumbled  something  unintelligible  about  a  young 
boy  she  wanted  to  bring  with  her,  which  I  accepted 
without  comment. 

"  But,  when  Minerva  came  with  this  youngster  under 
her  arm,  in  all  seriousness,  it  was  too  ludicrous  for 
me,  and  I  made  a  deliberate  dead  set  at  him  with 
love,  from  the  tip  of  my  red  suede  shoe  to  the  red 

136 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

rose  in  my  hair,  and  to  which  he  responded.  Minerva 
was  all  at  sea  at  the  game,  which  only  made  it  more 
interesting,  though  the  boy  was  a  bagatelle  not  worth 
considering  in  our  love  battle. 

"  There  is  something  about  a  young  person,  a  real 
young  person,  that  is  quite  irresistible.  I  mean  the 
very  young  person  who  does  not  try  to  interpose  his 
ego,  and  the  culpable  fact  of  dyed  hair,  false  teeth 
and  a  battered-up  something,  which  he  presents  on 
a  velvet  cushion,  surrounded  with  diamonds,  and 
labeled  with  a  printed  placard  to  show  that  '  this  is 
my  heart/  An  unsightly  thing  upon  close  inspec- 
tion; a  falcon  plaything  of  a  thousand  intrigues,  with 
its  feathers  all  trailing. 

"  It  was  not  entirely  owing  to  the  pink  lamp  shades 
that  Papa's  face  flushed,  for  he  really  enjoyed  him- 
self, and  I  blessed  Jack  in  my  heart.  We  all  laughed 
till  we  were  sick  at  the  antics  and  jokes  of  that  boy, 
just  beginning  his  school  vacation.  Jack  must  have 
had  pousse  cafe  in  his  milk  bottle  at  teething  time 
from  the  knowing  way  in  which  he  talked  to  Papa 
about  his  wines.  The  evening  was  a  mild  bacchanal 
that  was  the  off-break  for  each  of  us. 

"  Papa  surprised  us  all  by  inviting  him  to  go  with 
us  on  the  yacht  the  next  day.  He  came  at  the  minute 
of  ten,  '  au  rigeur,'  with  the  manner  of  a  society 
veteran. 

"  A  senior  girl  is  inclined  to  book  a  junior  man 

137 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

in  the  third-class  passage  in  her  railroad  of  love. 
She  treats  him  with  badinage  and  the  lighter  whipped 
creams  of  her  fancy,  but  Jack  insisted  on  being  first- 
class,  and  was  booked  so. 

"  After  all,  friendship  is  a  century  plant  that  blooms 
once  in  a  hundred  years  for  a  few  hours. 

"  We  spent  the  day  together  on  the  yacht  quite 
alone;  for  Papa  stayed  below,  or  walked  on  the  for- 
ward deck,  occasionally  coming  to  speak  to  us  in  an 
abstracted  way  —  so  we  lapsed  to  light  talk  with  noth- 
ing worse  than  deep,  sea  draught  kisses,  that,  however, 
were  to  be  an  epoch  in  my  life. 

"  We  slowly  sailed  into  our  landing  at  nightfall 
and  the  supreme  beauty  impelled  us  to  a  quiet  that 
was  not  broken  till  we  reached  the  house.  The  cres- 
cent moon,  the  still  water,  salty  air;  the  twinkling 
lights  along  the  shore  and  the  fragrant  gardens  made 
a  romantic  composite  whole  that  never  before,  nor 
since,  so  truly  permeated  my  whole  being. 

"  Partly  owing  to  the  suggestion  of  unuttered  things 
I  was  silent.  It  was  an  anniversary  with  but  little 
qualification  in  its  bitterness.  A  year  ago  the  same 
moon  saw  me  bidding  farewell  to  a  man  who  was  then 
my  best  friend.  I  believe  that  my  heart  died  within 
me  that  night ;  but  I  have  talked  too  long,  Clyde,  and 
you  must  be  weary  and  anxious  to  go.  Shall  we  say 
good-night  ?  " 

"  No,  I  can  stay  on  to  hear  the  rest,  tell  me ;  for  there 
138 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

were  all  sorts  of  bad  stories  about  that  first  engage- 
ment of  yours.  Were  you  in  love  with  him  ?  " 

"  Clyde,"  I  asked,  "  if  you  had  a  dead  baby  would 
you  want  to  take  it  out  of  the  vault  to  talk  to  it 
every  day?  " 

This  hushed  him,  and  he  asked  me  no  more  ques- 
tions, so  I  continued :  "  One  day  Jack  and  I  went 
bluefishing  with  an  old  salt  who  must  have  piloted 
the  Ark,  and  some  of  the  elderly  lady  barnacles  on 
the  hotel  piazza.,  through  a  field  glass,  saw  Jack  kiss- 
ing me;  so  that  was  another  straw  that  broke  the 
camel's  back.  Jack  talked  of  love  so  glibly  that  a 
practiced  connoisseur  would  not  have  listed  him  among 
the  innocents.  Laughing  at  him  only  made  his  leach 
heartstrings  cling  all  the  closer  to  mine. 

"  Toward  the  close  of  the  season,  the  day  before 
we  were  to  leave  for  home,  Jack  appeared  with  a 
long  face.  That  he  had  flunked  in  his  '  exams.'  for 
the  coming  college  year,  played  his  money,  or  had 
been  cut  off  in  his  allowance,  were  the  first  excuses 
that  came  to  my  mind,  but,  as  he  sprawled  on  the 
sofa  he  said  in  a  sepulchral  voice :  '  You  are  going 
away.* 

"  '  You  ought  to  be  spanked,'  I  laughed.  *  Well, 
you  are  to  return  to  school — ' 

"  '  Never/  he  fairly  shouted.  '  You  must  marry 
me ;  here  is  a  ring,  I  pawned  my  watch  to  buy  it ;  take 
it  or  I  will  throw  it  out  of  the  window.  Oh,  dearest/ 

139 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

"  Then  he  began  coaxing  me  while  I  went  on  pack- 
ing a  trunk.  He  was  determined,  he  said,  to  marry 
the  only  perfect  woman  in  the  world  —  meaning  me. 
No  one  would  have  recognized  me  from  Jack's  mellif- 
luent description.  He  smothered  me  in  bouquets  and 
burned  incense  until  I  almost  lost  a  heterodox  belief 
in  myself  through  inhaling  the  fumes.  He  was  so 
intense  he  was  fearful. 

"  Next  day,  when  I  was  safely  seated  opposite  to 
Papa  in  the  train,  his  sharp  eye  caught  sight  of  the 
solitaire  ring  on  my  ringer.  I  squirmed  with  morti- 
fication. '  He  said  he  would  drown  himself,  or  throw 
the  ring  out  of  the  window,'  I  explained. 

"  Papa  at  first  blamed  me,  then  laughed  as  I  told 
him  my  plan  of  writing  a  letter  to  break  it  off.  Sub- 
terfuge is  a  woman's  privilege,  because  at  times  it  is 
her  only  defense. 

"  Time  passed,  the  holidays  were  drawing  near 
and  Jack  would  be  coming  home  for  his  vacation.  I 
dreaded  the  ordeal,  but  went  through  it  bravely,  of 
writing  a  long,  lovely  letter  to  him.  It  was  wicked 
to  break  the  boy's  heart,  everyone  would  censure  me." 

"  No  one  censures  a  woman  for  anything  that  she 
does  to  a  man,"  interrupted  Clyde. 

"  The  note  was  ready  to  mail  when  the  maid  handed 
me  a  letter  in  the  well-known  handwriting.  I  would 
read  the  missive  before  mailing  mine  —  it  was  to  the 
effect  that  he  loved  another  girl,  whom  he  would 

140 


marry  in  a  year,  but  he  begged  for  my  blessing  and 
added  a  postscript,  saying,  '  Would  I  please  send  the 
ring  back.' 

"  Thus,  Clyde,  endeth  this  story.  You  must  be 
tired  of  it  all  by  this  time."  He  thanked  me  while  he 
avowed  that  it  was  believable  and  simple.  He  always 
trusted  me,  he  said. 

We  were  silent  till  a  pressure  of  Clyde's  hands 
and  his  question,  "The  other?" 

"  As  for  the  other ;  all  old  men  like  me  for  the 
youth  that  I  express  and  for  the  womanhood  I  rep- 
resent for  the  future.  He  asked  me  to  share  his 
millions  in  exchange  for  my  time,  youth  and  gayety. 
It  looked  like  an  even  enough  bargain  until  he  kissed 
me,  when  I  stood  revealed  to  myself.  The  animalism 
in  me  was  stronger  than  my  avarice;  Jack's  burning 
kiss  and  fervent  desire  far  outweighed  the  old  man's 
gold  in  my  heart.  I  had  not  been  born  again;  the 
same  everlasting  fires  were  not  to  be  quenched. 

"  Now,  Clyde,  good-night.  You  make  me  think 
that  you  are  really  interested  in  my  defections." 

"  You  will  never  know  how  indifferent  you  have 
been  to  me,"  he  said,  as  he  pressed  my  hand  to  his  lips, 
then  said  "  Good-night  "  in  a  solemn  tone  that  con- 
veyed his  sincerity.  "  Do  not  put  it  all  in  a  book,  for 
you  would  write  the  worst  of  yourself.  Let  me  give 
you  a  few  notes  that  will  really  represent  your  true, 
lovely  self  —  not  this  part  that  you  have  just  related." 

141 


CHAPTER    XV 

"  Better  to  be  a  crystal,  and  be  broken,  than  to  be  a  tile 
upon  the  housetop  to  remain." —  Yoshida  Snoin. 


OO  society  had  taken  up  the  cudgel  against  me,  and 
^  Clyde  had  mildly  hinted  at  the  attitude  of  the 
men  at  the  club,  men  mostly  with  their  "  Annettas," 
"  Dollys  "  and  "  Sallies  "  in  their  "  petite  apartment  " 
around  the  corner  from  their  permanent  address  on 
their  wife's  visiting  card.  Society  was  then  to  take 
me  with  tongs,  if  at  all,  as  a  girl  who  had  been  jilted 
by  her  lover  —  a  chit  of  a  girl  who  was  her  own 
chaperon  and  major  domo. 

Gossips  flared  the  inquisition  of  their  lorgnettes 
upon  me,  as  men  eyed  me  while  they  talked  in  low 
tones.  ,They  chose  to  belittle  me;  I  chose  to  ignore 
their  intentions.  They  were  all  unnecessary  to  me. 
They  depended  upon  their  skill  in  tactics  but  reck- 
oned without  a  knowledge  of  a  character  that  dies 
fighting,  that  knows  nothing  of  retreat.  This  atti- 
tude of  society  put  red  hot  irons  into  my  heart,  plucked 
at  my  vanity,  rapped  hard  at  my  pride,  but,  as  a 
wounded  lioness  looks  up  to  make  a  prey  of  her 

142 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

slayer,  roaring  defiance,  so  I  did  not  intend  to  sur- 
render. 

Impracticable,  thoughtless,  foolishly  romantic,  I 
stood  before  my  glass  as  I  ranted  to  my  own  reflec- 
tion :  "  No  one  shall  take  me  from  my  self-imposed 
heights,  rather  will  I  live  on  the  cold,  white,  impene- 
trable mountain  tops  of  my  virginity.  Never  will 
I  give  myself  to  a  man  whose  brutality  and  tyranny 
I  should  be  subjected  to  as  long  as  we  both  should 
live.  The  wealth  on  the  list  —  my  latest  acquisition, 
would  have  given  some  women  all  that  could  satisfy 
their  wildest  longings,  but  I  still  was  large  in  the 
conceit  that  anyone  to  whom  my  fancy  could  attach 
would  be  irresistibly  attracted  to  me,  and,  of  course, 
marry  me  should  I  so  desire,  but  as  yet  I  had  found 
men's  first  infatuation  for  me  to  be  measured  only  by 
the  brevity  of  their  passion  after  it  had  been  ex- 
pressed." 

My  lovers  multiplied  until  the  very  threshold  at 
the  front  door  showed  the  wear  of  the  many  feet 
crossing  it.  They  were  both  young  and  old,  and,  as 
I  had  now  been  engaged  several  times,  they  treated 
me  more  as  a  "  bon  comrade  "  than  as  the  ordinary 
society  girl  with  her  innocent,  child-like  make-up,  so 
charming  to  the  average  man. 

The  young  men  were  at  times  so  aggressively  and 
egotistically  violent,  without  any  return  of  refresh- 
ment mentally  or  spiritually,  as  to  be  physically  cx- 

143 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

hausting.  The  thought  of  marrying  one  of  these 
would  be  a  horror  to  contemplate. 

Then,  there  were  the  old  men,  whose  nice  exactions 
as  to  my  conduct  were  even  harder  to  conform  to 
than  the  odious  clutches  of  their  juniors.  But  the 
idea  of  marrying  an  old  man  seemed  the  most  reason- 
able, after  all.  Sailing  on  a  sea  of  cologne,  with  the 
best  of  everything  in  the  world  at  command,  the 
uncanny  snags  of  an  old  man's  whims  and  caprices 
would  be  smoothed  over  by  so  much  wealth.  These 
men  appealed  to  me  in  their  weakness  while  they 
looked  at  me  as  a  thirsty  dog  will  at  water,  their  eyes 
saying,  "  Give  us,  give  us  out  of  your  abundance."  It 
is  human  nature  to  discard  what  we  have  with  a  view 
of  obtaining  the  impossible. 

One  old  man  used  to  come  regularly,  and  apparently 
failing  to  achieve  the  real  purpose  of  his  visit,  would 
begin  his  usual  diatribe  of  all  the  virtues. 

"  The  effect  of  civilization  seems  to  have  failed 
in  its  mission  of  saving  souls,  as  it  has  missed  you," 
I  said  to  him  one  night,  "  but  I  do  not  want  to  over- 
look you,  indeed  that  is  one  reason  you  are  retained 
upon  my  list  of  visitors,  because  you  are  so  palpably 
astray  in  everything  that  you  do  or  say." 

At  this  his  black  eyes  snapped  with  the  evil  of  which 
his  Satanic  soul  was  full  and  he  replied :  "  What  good 
is  saving  souls?  Why  should  we  talk  any  more  of 
being  saved  than  of  being  happy;  why  should  any 

144 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

one  else  be  a  judge  of  whether  my  soul  is  saved  except 
myself,  to  whom  it  belongs?  We  might  as  well  all 
live  in  the  same  place,  be  the  same  color,  wear  the 
identical  same  fashion  or  speak  one  language  as  to 
follow  our  neighbor's  ideas  about  our  little  souls? 
Morality  is  simply  a  geographical  measure  of  superi- 
ority. Every  climate  has  its  physical  needs;  most 
religions  have  their  ground  plan  based  on  the  human 
needs  of  the  people  intended  to  be  benefited. 

"  Flowers  have  their  perfume  and  color,  birds  their 
song;  all  nature  expresses  the  sensual  life.  Present 
and  future  happiness,  continuance  of  life  itself,  de- 
pends upon  its  expression,  yet  Christianity  teaches 
suppression.  It  is  only  when  we  truly  express  our- 
selves that  we  are  any  more  than  stone  images. 

"  I  suppose  animation  is  not  all  that  the  whole 
world  looks  for;  there  are  dark,  vile  corners  to  be 
lighted,  horrid  crimes  to  expatiate,  reforms  of  every 
social  kind  to  tackle,  charities  to  found  for  the  sick 
and  suffering,  or  the  helpless  youth  and  old  age,  vile 
practices  and  dreadful  customs,  the  effect  of  our  effete, 
our  refined  civilization,  to  be  eradicated.  Our  luxury 
breeds  evils  that  can  result  only  in  untold  horrors,  yet 
we  let  it  go  on.  We  build  our  palaces  over  the  sink- 
holes of  vice,  whose  effluvia  is  drowned  in  the  phar- 
maceutical essences  of  a  gaudy  self-consciousness. 

"  We  do  not  say  this  to  each  other,  simply  because 
we  dare  not  —  as  if  our  insincerity  were  anything 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

more  than  the  lace  veil  that  conceals  the  features  of 
the  hag  who  masquerades  as  the  bride  of  truth." 

Mr.  Mead,  as  he  squared  his  fingers  to  each  other, 
in  an  interested  way  he  had  when  absorbed  in  his  own 
thoughts,  continued :  "  With  all  your  worldliness  there 
is  an  innocent  candor  about  you  that  men  love  to  pay 
homage  to.  You  don't  care  where  you  strike  but 
swing  your  cudgel  '  ad  lib,'  hitting  us  all  without 
remorse;  perhaps  that  is  why  some  men  are  such 
sillies  about  you.  You  have  one  Circean  gift  that 
makes  us  all  blind  and  deaf  with  conceit,  which  is, 
that  you  make  men  believe  themselves  better  than  they 
are.  No  flattery  is  so  powerfully  insidious  as  that 
which  ascribes  a  virtue  to  us  which  we  do  not  possess. 
That  is  mounting  Pelia  on  Ossa,  and  we  sit  on  the 
very  throne  with  Jove." 

"  Well,  don't  sit  in  an  easy  chair  telling  me  of  all 
these  perfections,  for  you  are  taking  the  worst  pos- 
sible advantage  of  me  that  a  man  who  flatters  a 
woman  by  word,  look  or  deed  can  take.  Besides, 
you  have  been  a  sort  of  '  buffet  knight,'  a  leader  of 
cotillions  and  purveyor  to  woman's  vanity,  and  belong 
to  a  class  who  speak  with  pride  of  their  society 
and  the  part  they  play  in  it,  or  of  whom  they  accept 
as  friends  or  reject  as  unworthy  their  acquaintance, 
not  knowing  that  their  method  of  giving  or  withhold- 
ing recognition  is  amusing  to  those  who  watch  their 
puppet  antics. 

146 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

"  Go  back  to  the  class  you  lived  in,  where  the  aim 
of  existence  is  to  eat  bigger  dinners  than  you  have 
appetite  for,  where  you  call  in  the  men  of  brains  to 
do  for  you  what  you  are  unable  to  do  for  yourselves, 
but  do  not  ignore  the  high  price  that  nature  demands 
for  all  overdraughts  on  her  power  to  pay.  Go  back 
to  your  idle,  unhappy  life,  but  remember  that  there 
are  many  women  in  the  world  who  value  virtue,  with- 
out putting  a  price  upon  it." 

" '  Wrought  in  rarest  rose,  Dubarry, 
Quick  at  verbal  point  and  parry, 
Clever,  doubtless,  but  to  marry  - — 
No,  marquise.' " 

He  quoted  as  he  went  on  in  his  old-time  cynical  vein : 
"  My  dear,  the  world  is  as  anxious  to  give  us  what 
we  do  not  want  as  to  withhold  what  we  cherish  or 
would  give  our  very  all  for.  When  we  are  young 
we  hide  our  feelings,  when  we  are  old  and  have  none 
to  hide  we  make  a  pretense  of  showing  them. 

"  It  is  because  you  are  very  young  that  I  hope  some 
day  to  see  you  mine.  You  will  economize  in  sensa- 
tion now  to  the  end  that  it  will  be  supremely  more 
satisfactory  when  impudicity  no  longer  holds  you  cap- 
tive. Good-night,  little  one. 

"  Yes,  mine  you  shall  be,"  he  half  whispered  as 
he  stretched  out  his  arms  to  empty  space  in  leaving 
me. 

147 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

Perhaps  it  was  this  candor  as  much  as  any  other 
note  that  entered  into  our  friendship  which  made  our 
acquaintance  so  durable  —  so  dependable  —  that  was 
as  staunch  as  the  bulwarks  of  brotherly  love,  and  later 
led  him  to  call  me  his  brother  David,  ready  to  kill 
his  ringleader  giant, —  society,  whose  head,  he  said, 
my  sling  was  certainly  aimed  against. 


148 


CHAPTER    XVI 

"In  this  world  who  can  do  a  thing  -will  not  — 
And  who  would  do  it  cannot,  I  perceive, 
Yet  the  will's  somewhat  —  somewhat,  too,  the 
Power"  —  Browning. 


T  TAVING  failed  in  all  my  ventures;  without  hope 
A  of  happiness  at  home,  and  knowing  the  impos- 
sibility of  finding  it  in  ambitious  schemes  of  social 
attainment  or  the  quieter  solace  of  charity,  my  eyes 
turned  to  Europe.  Surely  amid  some  of  those  strange, 
fantastic  peoples,  those  galleries  with  their  rich  treas- 
ures of  art  I  had  always  longed  to  see,  there  would 
be  perfect  satisfaction.  Thus  my  supreme  egotism 
deemed  it  possible  to  bring  widest  fame  to  me.  But, 
what  was  I  doing  about  it?  Nothing!  Here  I  sat  in 
my  tiny  corner  of  ashes,  brooding  over  "  what  might 
have  been,"  instead  of  going  to  the  great  beyond,  and 
stretching  my  fair,  untried  wings  to  the  golden,  glit- 
tering sun  of  Continental  fame,  for  I  never  doubted 
anything  possible  of  attainment  that  I  should  really 
wish  to  accomplish. 

But  I  finally  completed  plans   for  a  tour  abroad. 
The  sadness  of  parting  from  everybody  and  every- 

149 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

thing  most  dear  to  me  in  the  world  was  not  mitigated 
by  any  of  the  steamer  letters  that  I  received,  especially 
one  from  a  young  man  who  at  that  time  deemed  him- 
self my  sponsor,  lover  and  general  utility  man.  This 
letter  was  as  follows: 

Dearest: 

You  have  willfully  separated  yourself  from  a 
father  who  is  your  best  friend  and  adviser,  who 
loves  you  more  than  his  own  life;  a  mother  who  will 
sadly  pine  for  you,  and  a  country  that  needs  you,  let 
alone  speaking  of  one  who  cannot  bear  to  think  of 
separation. 

If  you  succeed,  I  will  be  proud  of  you;  if  you  fail 
I  will  love  you  none  the  less,  but  before  I  trust 
you  to  the  mercies  of  a  strange  land  I  would  place  you 
in  the  hands  of  our  Heavenly  Father  to  keep  you 
from  harm  and  pain  as  my  dearest  treasure,  dearer 
to  me  than  I  can  tell. 

You  do  not  know,  as  I  do,  how  unbearable  poor 
food  in  uncongenial  surroundings  and  disagreeable 
associates  can  make  life  for  one  like  you,  a  sensitive, 
well-bred  girl,  with  a  gentle  heart,  and,  while  you 
will  be  where  you  always  wanted  to  be,  and  have  great 
hopes  to  fulfill,  you  will  necessarily  suffer  many 
shocks  in  this  world  which  coarser  natures  would  not 
feel.  It  is  sad  to  think  that  you  will  be  there  in  far 
off  beastly  Europe,  wasting  your  sweetness  on  the 
desert  air,  or  rather,  the  benighted  foreigner. 

God  keep  you  safe  and  happy,  to  return  to  us  once 
more.  Sincerely  yours, 

JOHN. 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

The  illimitable  joy  which  comes  from  the  hope  of 
a  lifetime  at  last  realized,  dispelled  much  of  the  gloom 
of  homesickness.  Seeing  Europe  became  a  new  re- 
ligion to  me.  I  could  revel  in  pictures ;  I  could  enjoy 
endlessly  a  beauty  that  keeps  one  in  an  ecstasy  of  rare 
bliss  only  possible  there. 

After  six  months  of  bewildering  sightseeing  in 
Great  Britain  and  on  the  Continent,  I  went  to  Paris 
to  study  singing. 

The  American  girl  is  as  amusing  a  specimen  to 
nearly  all  foreigners  as  a  new  species  is  at  the  Zoo, 
a  compliment  she  returns  to  the  average  Frenchman. 
Dressed  by  Worth,  and  educated  to  the  level  of  their 
wise  pedants,  she  speaks  their  language,  and  will  do 
on  the  social  trapeze  what  would  break  a  French 
girl's  neck,  while  she  dares  entertain  her  men  friends 
with  witticisms  entirely  out  of  place,  but  amusing. 
Her  father  is  counted  as  a  millionaire  with  more 
money  than  brains  or  breeding,  and  treated  accord- 
ingly. Many  Frenchmen  in  debt  even  marry  Amer- 
ican heiresses  whom  they  do  not  introduce  to  their 
families.  There  is  one  exclusive  set  in  the  Faubourg 
who  do  not  batten  on  us,  in  order  to  have  their  palms 
gilded  with  our  gold,  but  that  small  coterie  is  an 
exception. 

None  of  us  knows  who  set  the  fashion  of  patroniz- 
ing a  broken-down  title  with  a  bankrupt,  moth-eaten 
castle  back  of  it  as  preferable  to  a  clean  American 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

citizen,  with  no  favors  to  ask  of  anyone,  for  no  one 
has  deemed  it  worthy  of  immortalizing. 

In  some  preexistence  I  believe  Paris  was  my  home ; 
for  everything  seemed  familiar  to  me  there.  I  could 
not  get  tired  in  an  eon  of  time  while  seeing  all  that 
Paris  buys  or  sells. 

The  beribboned  bonne  with  her  charge,  the  jolly 
bohemian,  the  regular  building  line  of  the  houses, 
clean  streets,  dapper  men  and  queer  rigged  students, 
the  frou-frou  grisettes,  are  all  minor  details  of  a 
wonderful  ensemble  that  makes  Paris  superior  — 
more  glitteringly  alluring  to  the  pleasure  seeker  than 
any  other  city  on  the  globe.  A  natural  predilection 
for  Paris  must  be  a  moral  perversion,  for  it  is  a 
diversion  from  the  narrow  path  in  which  the  pro- 
vincialist  is  content.  But,  while  Paris  has  a  patent 
on  vice,  she  also  has  a  royalty  on  things  artistic. 

With  the  enormous  stacks  of  newspapers  that  my 
friends  sent  me  a  blaze  was  made  to  warm  my  frozen 
hands  that  I  might  write  the  long  letters  descriptive 
of  this  new  paradise,  that  I  might  relieve  my  over- 
joyed soul. 

The  people  in  Paris,  and  everything  pertaining  to 
them,  have  a  theatrical  air  that  makes  living  there 
seem  more  like  taking  part  in  a  play  than  humdrum, 
real  life.  Every  time  one  visits  the  city  this  enjoy- 
ment comes  with  an  increased  ratio.  Men  are  always 
children  in  any  nation,  but  in  France  the  coloring  of 

152 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

ideas  is  lighter,  the  manner  more  sportive.  There 
is  an  old-time  maturity  about  American  women  that 
is  characteristic,  which  in  the  Parisienne  amounts  to 
being  the  fifth  wheel  to  masculine  levity.  What  im- 
pels action  in  the  vital  things  of  life  is  pretty  nearly 
the  same  in  all  countries;  heart  and  soul  have  the 
same  hall-marks  throughout  the  world.  Passion,  the 
prevailing  feature  of  man's  nature,  makes  the  main 
business  of  his  life  appeasing  the  demon. 

American  women  consider  it  the  holy  office  of  their 
lives  to  enter  wifehood  and  motherhood,  while  the 
main  attribute  of  a  French  woman's  ambition  is  to 
be  well  dowered,  so  that  she  may  make  as  propitious 
a  match  financially  as  possible,  or,  failing  that,  be 
considered  attractive  in  society.  Eve  set  the  fashion, 
when  evicted  from  Paradise,  poetizing,  to  try  to 
account  to  the  world  for  her  reason  for  eating  the 
fruit,  which  really  was,  that  she  enjoyed  it. 

How  God  must  have  laughed  at  some  of  her  ex- 
cuses when  he  finished  the  earth  with  that  touch  of 
the  live  coal  on  man's  lips  which  he  knew  would  fire 
his  heart  even  though  he  would  not  decorate  the 
sphere  with  many  things  in  consequence.  Half  the 
world's  successes,  that  we  attribute  to  a  thousand 
other  causes,  are  really  made  out  of  unsuccessful  love 
affairs. 

Did  you  ever  notice  that  after  a  sin  is  committed 
the  sinner  expects  a  reversal  of  things  accomplished 

153 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

because  he  is  afraid  to  meet  the  consequences?  Nearly- 
all  misery  and  happiness,  all  crime  and  morality, 
evolve  about  the  sex  problem. 

The  Parisians  make  this  subject  the  paramount  one, 
to  the  belittlement  of  all  others.  Art,  music,  science, 
social  economics,  are  all  chessmen  before  the  high 
priest  of  Parisian  society,  sex. 

A  determination  to  see  something  of  society  in 
Paris  was  realized  through  the  introduction  to  an 
American  woman,  friend  of  Miss  Basseau,  of  sainted 
memory. 

This  new  friend  arranged  for  my  visit  to  Madame 
Bouders,  a  beautiful  woman,  famous  for  her  salons. 

On  arriving  at  her  magnificent  home,  a  butler  in 
turquoise  blue  velvet  and  silver  lace  ushered  me  up- 
stairs, along  vistas  of  rooms,  past  an  onyx  bathroom, 
where  a  maid  had  just  prepared  a  perfumed  plunge 
for  my  lady,  into  a  room  with  an  atmosphere  of  love 
and  violets  about  it  that  appeared  to  me  a  heaven  of 
delight,  and  it  took  all  my  self-control  to  keep  from 
expressing  in  a  gasp,  or  not  appearing  "  gauche  "  amid 
luxuries  that  were  so  alluringly  arrayed  that  the  moral 
bacilli  of  the  ulcer  of  envy,  cropped  in  my  fresh,  young 
heart. 

Acquainted  with  no  society  at  home  where  ladies 
received  gentlemen  in  their  bedrooms  while  they 
calmly  reposed  under  the  sheets,  I  was  being  initiated 
into  the  ceremony  now. 

154 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

A  bed  of  unusual  size  and  shape,  gilded  and  deco- 
rated by  Doran,  sustained  the  same  relation  in  the 
apartment  that  a  royal  chair  generally  does  in  a  throne 
room.  A  sable  coverlet,  veiled  by  masses  of  point- 
lace  and  cob-web  linen,  was  an  appropriate  covering 
for  so  remarkable  a  woman  as  I  saw  sitting  amid 
these  trappings,  with  a  beauty  like  unto  a  strange, 
oriental  flower.  A  kimono  that  would  have  made  a 
"  religieuse  "  oblivious  of  her  vows  did  not  conceal 
the  perfect  neck  and  shoulders  of  dazzling  whiteness, 
modelled  after  the  Greek  period  of  Pericles.  But  her 
vantage  ground  lay  in  the  heavenly-blue  eyes,  heavily 
lashed  with  a  black  fringe,  to  match  the  raven  hair. 
It  was  a  face  for  which  a  man  would  lightly  throw 
away  his  soul  and  join  the  men  who  knocked  at  her 
door,  whom  she  changed  to  swine.  The  face  was 
magnetically  voluptuous.  One  could  not  imagine 
any  feeling  of  pity,  or  joy  or  true  love  illuminating 
that  face. 

A  Chinese  nobleman,  arrayed  in  his  native  costume, 
riot  with  orange,  blue  and  white,  stiff  with  embroid- 
ery, his  hands  laden  with  rings,  seemed  tame  in 
importance  beside  the  creature  in  bed,  whose  beauty 
held  me  as  if  fascinated. 

The  Mongolian,  a  hero  to  all  save  her  into  whose 
eyes  he  looked  to  find  a  promise  to  quench  desire  as 
he  gazed  spellbound,  to  judge  from  his  attitude,  was 
no  less  rapt  than  I;  for  there  was,  something  com- 

155 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

pelling  beyond  mere  beauty,  something  that  was  not 
goodness. 

The  skin  of  old  ivory  color  was  enlivened  by 
scarlet  painted  lips  full  and  luscious,  that  would  tempt 
a  bee  by  their  fragrance,  that  did  not  smile  but  curved 
languidly  over  even,  white  teeth. 

The  Italian  maid  softly  announced,  "  Signora,  una 
Signorina."  The  Mongol  was  annoyed,  but  made  an 
Oriental  exit,  fan  in  hand. 

Madame  lighted  a  cigarette.  Upon  meeting  a 
stranger  who  is  a  compatriot,  she  neither  changed  her 
tone  nor  manner  by  way  of  making  a  favorable  im- 
pression, as  is  the  habit  of  the  American  woman,  who 
knows  nothing  of  repose,  minces  her  words,  and  affects 
higher  head  tones,  while  she  is  speaking  so  many 
words  of  absolute  insipidness. 

She  gave  me  time  to  be  aware  of  the  elegance  of 
her  surroundings  and  countless  rare  works  of  art, 
any  one  of  which  would  have  made  a  king's  ransom. 
One  thing  that  especially  riveted  my  attention  was  an 
ivory  screen,  six  feet  high,  three  leaved,  covered  by 
carvings  that  must  have  represented  the  sacrificed 
lives  of  a  dozen  men  to  the  cause,  in  a  mystic  country 
where  only  art  counts.  Hidden  from  sight  were 
vistas  of  other  treasures,  gathered  from  every  part  of 
the  globe. 

This  beauty,  the  quiet,  perfumed  air,  the  soothing 
tones  of  this  woman  that  all  breathed  of  love  and 

156 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

fragrant  life,  made  me  for  an  instant  pray  that  I 
might  be  detained  there  forever. 

She  seemed  a  part  of  her  beautiful  surroundings. 
Further,  I  knew  absolutely  nothing  of  her  history, 
except  snatches  of  fable  to  the  effect  that  in  childhood 
she  had  married  an  old,  roue  nobleman,  whom  France 
had  exiled,  never  to  hear  of  again  until  he  died  in  a 
desert,  leaving  no  will,  and  without  other  relatives 
than  his  child  wife,  who  inherited  his  millions. 

She  expressed  a  kindly  interest  in  me  and,  to  my 
untold  delight,  invited  me  to  take  part  in  some 
charades  that  the  most  noted  artists  in  Paris  were  to 
arrange  for  her.  With  unparalleled  generosity,  it 
seemed  to  me,  she  assured  me  there  need  be  no  pro- 
vision on  my  part  for  dresses,  for  she  never  wore  any 
dress  twice,  and  that  I  might  choose  from  among  her 
gowns  and  her  maid  would  fit  them  to  me. 

What  a  blessed  thing  is  youth  with  its  hope  and 
dreams!  What  would  some  of  us  give  to  live  over 
the  anticipations,  let  alone  the  actual  enjoyment  of  our 
youth  ? 

The  time  was  very  long  in  coming.  I  was  more 
than  prepared  when  the  coiffeur  came  early  in  the 
afternoon,  to  build  up  the  hirsute  construction  that 
was  to  help  to  make  me  famous  in  Paris  that  night. 

After  the  tableaux  vivants  were  acted,  I  outdid 
myself  in  the  ballroom,  acting  up  to  the  character  that 
everyone  seemed  to  expect  me  to  be. 

157 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

Dressed  in  the  white  pearl  embroidered  brocade 
that  was  to  have  been  my  wedding  dress,  my  long 
determined  idea  of  making  a  hit  had  an  initial  suc- 
cess. Everybody  was  asking  who  I  was. 

The  men  with  their  jewelled  decorations,  brilliant 
uniforms,  peculiar  dress;  the  women  in  their  unblush- 
ing decollete,  the  amazing  gems  with  which  they  were 
covered,  the  freedom  of  manner  —  or  was  it  art? — 
that  so  cleverly  copied  nature.  Anything  to  be  ex- 
traordinary it  seemed  to  me  on  this  memorable  night 
when  everything  and  everybody  was  like  a  play  to 
me. 

My  wit  and  audacity  attracted  the  attention  of  a 
tall,  broad-shouldered  man  into  whose  face  I  must 
have  looked  with  a  baby  stare  of  fixed  interest,  with 
the  usual  wish  in  my  mind,  whenever  I  met  a  new 
man. 

The  wish  came  true,  but  with  dire  results  that  were 
eventually  to  destroy  me.  A  lively  curiosity  to  study 
my  style  led  him  to  the  dangerous  quicksand  that 
finally  engulfed  us  both.  As  a  child  whose  innocence 
is  more  daring  than  the  battle  cry  of  a  warrior,  I 
metaphorically  put  my  hand  in  his  and  followed  where 
he  led. 

His  Russian  decorations  were  more  brilliant  and 
more  numerous  than  those  of  any  other  man  at  the 
ball  that  evening.  His  broad  forehead,  thick  wavy 
kair,  dark  complexion,  physical  strength  and  bright 

158 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

conversation,  together  with  a  manner  which,  while 
apparently  and  to  all  outward  appearances  was  coldly 
dignified,  yet  expressed  a  tender,  deep  concern  in  my 
welfare,  made  him  for  all  purposes  of  love-making 
a  beau-ideal.  My  heart  asked,  could  this  be  the  man 
to  make  me  eternally  happy?  If  we  could  only  cross 
the  Alpine  difficulties  that  I  feared  would  prevent  our 
ever  meeting  each  other  again ! 

We  sat  long  in  the  conservatory  together,  under 
the  branches  of  a  hovering  camellia.  Not  understand- 
ing his  intentions  as  well  as  he  did  himself,  I  accepted 
a  blossom  from  his  hand,  which  he  first  touched  to  his 
lips  and  then  gently  pressed  to  my  heaving  bosom  as 
his  great,  starry  eyes,  heavy  with  desire,  looked  long- 
ingly into  mine.  Their  devouring  gaze  was  too  much, 
and  as  my  eyelids  fell  he  touched  my  hand  lightly,  as  a 
butterfly  will  skim  over  the  petal  of  a  rose. 

Trembling  with  a  new  joy,  far  more  than  with 
fear,  I  took  his  arm,  saying  that  we  must  return  to 
the  ballroom. 

"  I  would  like  to  take  you  in  my  arms  and  carry 
you  to  the  remotest  part  of  the  world,"  he  murmured, 
while  he  bent  low  before  me,  as  a  sovereign  before  his 
queen. 

Coming  from  him  it  was  to  me  different  than  if 
any  other  man  had  said  it.  I  felt  that  our  acquaint- 
ance was  old,  as  if  we  had  always  known  each  other. 
The  spark  that  unites  two  souls  into  one,  it  seemed 

159 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

to  me,  had  lighted  us  to  what  I  hoped  would  be  our 
eternal  heaven. 

My  entree  had  successfully  startled  Parisian  soci- 
ety, but  of  this  I  was  ignorant,  so,  with  an  unper- 
turbed mind,  I  settled  down  in  harness  to  the  routine 
work  of  studying  French  and  music. 

"  I  only  saw  the  present  as  men  taste 
Some  stimulating  wine,  and  lose  all  care. 
I  tasted  love's  elixir,  and  I  seemed 
Dwelling  in  some  strange  land,  like  one  who  dreamed." 

Every  day  my  first  and  last  thought  was  of  my 
"  Russian  lover,"  as  I  secretly  called  him.  Why  did 
he  not  call,  or  write  me,  or  send  me  flowers?  Did 
his  vanity  that  night  only  wish  to  show  off  his  Eng- 
lish, which  he  spoke  with  an  unusual  perfection? 

Humanity  is  so  helpless  at  times  when  it  wants 
to  be  most  powerful.  Men's  society  was  barred  to 
us  in  the  school,  but  in  the  meantime  I  became 
acquainted  with  the  various  types  of  girls  who  fill 
studios,  from  the  highly  successful  prima  donna  to 
those  living  on  a  charity  stipend  in  a  garret,  with 
hope  fresh  and  full  of  ambition  —  who  finally  allow 
themselves  to  drift  with  that  mighty  host  that  yearly 
stream  to  Paris,  to  flow  into  the  great  ocean  of 
oblivion. 


160 


CHAPTER    XVII 

And  lack  of  love  from  love  made  manifest 

A  lamp's  death  when  replete  with  oil,  it  chokes." 

—  Brozvning. 


A  FTER  traveling  through  miles  of  art,  after 
•*•  •*•  drinking  in  the  deep  learning  and  studying  the 
history  with  which  Europe  is  rich,  one  reaches 
Florence,  on  the  Italian  Mount  of  Olives,  when  one 
can  safely  say:,  "Here  we  may  be  served  with  a 
refuge  and  solace  from  the  sordid  business  cares  that 
warp  the  lives  of  so  many  of  us  at  home."  "  Carina," 
as  the  Italians  themselves  say,  "  lily  shod,"  its  Cam- 
panile a  white  ringer  always  pointing  upward  from  a 
place  that  will  ever  be  counted  as  representing  the  best 
that  the  world  can  get  or  give. 

The  Carrara  lily  stands  out  in  brilliant  contrast 
to  all  others  for  perfection  and  there  is  only  one 
Firenze;  but  when  we  left  the  superb  Dante  and  the 
martyr  Savonarola  for  a  pilgrim's  journey  to  the 
Eternal  City,  we  wished  that  we  might  have  prepared 
our  hearts,  for  the  bronze  portals  of  Rome  opened 
before  us  a  limitless  land  of  pearl  whose  rich  treasures 

161 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

begemmed  a  whole  after-life.  At  its  sacred  feet  I 
devoutly  knelt.  Protestant  then,  I  vowed  myself  — 
if  need  be  —  Catholic,  henceforth. 

From  out  this  dim  candlelight,  this  crumbling  ruin 
with  a  history  always  of  the  past,  one  instinctively 
felt  out  of  place  in  modern  millinery,  and  the  knowl- 
edge and  appliances  that  electricity  had  brought. 
One's  insignificance  does  not  appall  one  in  Rome,  it 
simply  brings  humility,  an  attribute  that  does  not 
essentially  affect  the  natives,  for  they  clatter  along 
the  streets  indifferent  to  what  the  tourist  longingly 
studies  as  a  cult.  Little  children  learn  historic  les- 
sons by  rote,  from  guides,  or  the  Italian  talent  for 
improvisation  that  answers  often  just  as  well  as  what 
Grote  or  Kamphausen  may  have  staggered  under  for 
years  to  give  in  full  detail. 

While  Florence  regaled  us  with  color  and  poetry, 
Rome  chiseled  in  marble  her  greatness.  This  latter 
lived  for  empire,  present  glory  and  vaunting  pride, 
while  Florence  lived  for  purer  ideals  and  higher 
thoughts.  The  one  built  to  the  skies ;  the  other  is  but 
a  shattered  landmark  of  its  past  greatness. 

From  Rome  to  Paris  —  from  the  Divine  to  the 
eternal  human.  That  all  passions  are  subject  to 
change  is  a  wise  provision.  It  is  natural  to  be  affected 
by  present  surroundings. 

Paris  seldom  fails  to  bewitch  her  most  ardent 
assailants.  The  women  of  Paris  who  would  be  de- 

162 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

fined  as  "  detraquee  "  anywhere  else  are  considered 
fascinating  there.  Parisiennes  have  the  fatal  charm 
of  those  Sirens  of  the  Podium  and  the  secret  circle 
especially  educated  to  serve  Aphrodite.  They  are 
rarely  club  women,  and  but  few  serve  on  boards  of 
charity. 

Honor,  with  American  women,  means  complete  im- 
munity from  all  weakness  which  could  invite  or  permit 
injurious  comment;  but  happiness,  outside  the  rela- 
tion of  the  sexes  with  its  vast  body  of  energy,  desires 
and  passions,  is  as  yet  an  untouched  Grand  Llama 
to  the  average  French  woman.  It  takes  time  to  train 
an  American  woman  to  the  French  code  of  gallantry 
that  will  smile  in  her  face  as  it  steals  all  that  she  has. 

An  American  colony  in  all  Continental  cities  is  a 
sort  of  social  junk  shop.  A  first  experience  is  the 
last  to  those  who  wish  to  retain  a  vestige  of  reputa- 
tion or  self-respect,  for  the  "  declasse  "  people  are  the 
most  chary  of  what  others  say  of  them  or  whom  they 
meet.  So,  when  taking  up  my  residence  in  Paris  I 
decided  to  climb  the  heights  to  fame  through  the 
medium  of  the  "  natives,"  and  while  attending  to  my 
studies  I  saw  much  of  a  society  that  all  the  world 
does  homage  to  by  aping  its  manners. 

Feverishly  restless  to  attain  prominence  in  this 
Field  of  Cloth  of  Gold  I  looked  upon  my  new  Russian 
admirer,  Baron  Michaelovitch  Romanoff,  as  the  only 
ladder  by  which  this  coveted  thing  could  be  reached. 

163 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

I  did  not  consider  myself  as  alone,  for  I  felt  sure  that 
my  talent  would  some  day  count  me  one  among  the 
brilliant  assemblages  gathered  together  in  the  great 
salons  to  which  Romanoff  introduced  me  "  as  one  of 
them." 

No  entertainment  which  he  gave  was  complete  with- 
out me,  he  said.  His  courtly  manner  toward  me 
charmed  me;  his  seemingly  unconscious  flattery  was 
intoxicating.  Accustomed  only  to  the  aggressive, 
business-like  methods  that  American  men  employ 
toward  a  fiancee,  I  was  not  aware  that  the  Continental 
man  only  bestows  upon  his  wife,  or  mistress,  the  atten- 
tion that  an  American  man  will  grant  for  a  pastime  to 
any  pretty  girl  that  momentarily  takes  his  fancy.  The 
American  girl  could  never  be  the  "  jeune  fille "  of 
Parisian  society,  for  we  run  with  the  lax  rein  given 
only  to  the  grisette  over  there. 

I  decided  to  lead  this  "  grand  seigneur  "  into  the 
traces.  In  the  bewitching  novelty  .of  this  great  per- 
sonage's attentions  I  gloried  and  drank  deep ;  every- 
thing about  him  bespoke  the  noblesse  oblige.  He 
should  become  my  emissary  to  do  for  me  all  that  a 
lonely  student  girl  in  a  foreign  country  could  not  do 
for  herself  in  the  way  of  introductions  or  lobbying 
among  his  friends  to  place  me  on  the  high  pedestal 
that  I  had  determined  was  the  only  thing  in  the  world 
worth  having. 

This  associKion  put  bubbles  in  my  blood,  so  that 
164 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

all  our  conversation  and  relation  with  each  other  was 
as  a  long  draught  of  champagne.  My  idea  was  that 
he  had  become  intoxicated  with  my  brilliancy,  good 
humor  and  beauty. 

One  evening,  as  we  were  on  our  way  to  the  opera, 
he  asked  permission  to  smoke,  but  before  it  was 
granted  he  lighted  a  cigarette.  While  the  match 
burned,  he  regarded  my  appearance  with  quick  survey 
and  a  new  expression  passed  over  his  face  as  he  said : 
'  Your  figure,  my  dear,  is  absolutely  perfect.  If  you 
had  an  aristocratic  nose,  I  would  ask  nothing  more 
for  you." 

Something  in  the  timbre  of  this  struck  me  harshly, 
but  meaning  to  lightly  banter  him  I  said :  "  You  do 
not  care  for  the  heart  of  a  woman  then,  only  her 
nose?" 

"  Oh,  women  can  never  seriously  lay  claim  to  a 
heart  —  their  days  are  spent  principally  in  preparing 
themselyes  to  be  pleasing  to  the  men  by  night,  as 
Balzac  so  wisely  comments." 

"  That  may  be  the  French  idea,  but  it  is  not  all 
that  can  be  said  of  the  true  woman,  and  the  American 
woman  above  all." 

"  No  matter  who  the  woman  is,  or  in  what  manner 
she  expresses  the  idea,  from  the  lowest  subject  to 
the  queen,  it  amounts  to  the  same  thing;  the  main 
object  of  woman's  life  is  man." 

"  No,  the  main  object  with  us  is,  to  be  virtuous 
165 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

as  well  as  happy  while  giving  happiness  to  others. 
You  foreigners  all  testify  to  this,  because  you  are 
marrying  us,  and  I,  an  American,  say  it,  who  should 
not." 

"  Bah !  only  bankrupt  titles  of  England  marry 
American  girls,  and,  if  you  notice,  they  are  invariably 
wealthy,  and  start  about  repairing  the  castle  and  get- 
ting the  dear  husband  preferments  before  the  honey- 
moon, as  you  call  it,  has  hardly  begun  to  wane." 

"  The  foreigners  who  have  tried  us  for  wives  say 
there  are  none  better." 

"  Let  them  say  it,  I  would  rather  hear  than  take 
their  advice." 

"Would  you?"  Blushes  and  a  new  feeling  of 
resentment  against  him  froze  the  words  on  my  lips, 
but  I  continued,  in  spite  of  myself:  "You  would  not 
object  to  their  companionship  —  a  Platonic  friendship 
may  often  be  more  satisfactory  than  any  other  rela- 
tion." 

He  laughed  heartily.  "  My  dear,  you  do  not  mean 
to  say  that  you  believe  a  man  and  woman  can  retain 
such  a  relationship?  It  has  to  be  one  thing  or  the 
other,  unless  you  are  married;  married  people  alone 
can  retain  the  Platonic  friendship.  My  wife  and  I 
are  perfectly  content  to  live  in  that  way.  I  do  her 
the  honor  to  place  my  entire  confidence  in  her,  for  she 
is  a  stone,  and  we  married,  as  most  of  us  marry,  for 
state  and  family  reasons.  She  is  beautiful  and  fills 

1 66 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

her  position  with  all  the  dignity  of  our  respective 
stations  that  I  could  ask." 

During  this  short  speech  gasps  of  words  impossible 
to  utter  must  have  escaped  my  lips,  for  he  said,  "  Why 
do  you  sigh  so  ?  " 

"  Oh,  nothing  —  why  —  how  —  you  did  not  say, 
Heavens !  —  why  did  you  not  say  that  you  were  mar- 
ried?" 

"  Say !  Why,  did  you  not  know  ?  I  belong  to  the 
oldest  family  in  Russia.  Perhaps  I  could  say,  with 
truth,  that  I  am  the  best  known  man  on  the  continent, 
but  what  difference  does  my  being  married  make  ?  " 

Ah,  my  head  swam,  my  heart  in  great  throbs  beat 
so  hard  against  my  breast  it  fairly  shook  the  lace  and 
fripperies  thrown  over  it  to  protect  me  from  the  night 


air. 

M 


You  seem  moved  by  some  strong  emotion,  will 
you  tell  me  why  ?  " 

"  Because  had  I  known  that  you  were  married  I 
never  would  have  gone  out  with  you.  You  do  not 
understand  the  American  girl  who  goes  alone.  I  hate 
being  chaperoned,  as  if  I  were  an  invalid  or  an  idiot. 
There  is  nothing  so  immoral  as  this  odious  European 
custom  of  branding  every  young  woman  as  a  creature 
not  fit  to  be  alone.  It  is  downright  indecency,  for  it 
implies  that  a  woman  is  looking  for  a  moral  abyss 
into  which  to  throw  herself.  I  have  gone  to  parties 
with  a  man  when  the  powder  would  be  rubbed  on  him 

167 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

in  streaks,  with  pieces  of  lace  hanging  to  his  coat 
*  and  hairs  on  his  shoulders,  and  the  taste  of  his  lips  on 
mine,  with  my  nose  a  fiery  red  and  my  temper  vile, 
but  in  all  my  career  no  married  man  ever  had  the 
temerity  to  face  the  consequences  of  his  attempt  to 
deceive  me  into  the  belief  that  he  was  a  single  man." 
:<  You  Americans  are  beyond  comprehension.  Why 
would  you  look  at  me  with  your  passion  laden  soul? 
Why  would  you  droop  before  me  as  a  rose  before  a 
scorching  fire  ?  Why  coquette  with  and  charm  a  man 
whom  you  knew  nothing  of?  You  even  dressed  in 
my  colors  to  please  me.  You  wore  this  dress  to-night 
because  I  praised  you  in  it.  Is  all  that  virginity?  If 
you  do  not  wish  it,  then,  very  well,  it  must  be  you 
who  is  to  decide.  I  certainly  take  no  joy  in  forcing 
a  feminine  rampart.  The  sweet  gift  of  a  woman's 
love  must  be  given,  offered,  even  urged  upon  me,  but 
I  never  battle  for  it  as  some  men  choose  to  do." 

Was  this  meant  to  be  a  partial  relief  of  the  agony 
of  this  awful  humiliation?  In  comparison  to  the 
boorish  force  and  might  of  the  American  man  who 
insults  a  woman  this  man's  methods  were  patricianly 
humane  and  kind.  Compared  with  the  coarse  fibre 
that  had  heretofore,  without  reason,  subjected  me  to 
the  rude  assaults  that  were  among  my  purple  memo- 
ries, this  would  be  counted  white  as  snow.  Where 
was  all  that  boasted  determination  to  turn  the  tide 
of  my  fate  whithersoever  my  desire  should  dictate? 

1 68 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

I  asked  myself  what  was  my  will  that  it  could  be  willy- 
nilly  with  every  turn  of  love's  fickle  weathervane? 
No,  I  was  being  overshadowed  by  that  very  fate  in 
whose  face  I  had  dared  to  laugh.  I  had  crowed-  that 
God  himself  would  be  fallible  while  a  girl  sought  love 
who  knew  nothing  of  its  meaning. 

Destiny,  predestination  —  folly.  I  should  shake 
my  fist  at  Heaven  itself  and  protect  myself  against 
this  self-annihilation. 

When  we  arrived  at  my  school  Romanoff  did  not 
speak  to  me  but  let  me  open  the  door  and  get  out  of 
the  carriage  alone.  This  was  a  Cossack  shot  and  the 
most  wounding  of  all.  The  pity  of  it  is  that  women 
must  take  the  coin  passed  to  them,  never  minding 
whether  it  is  counterfeit  or  genuine. 

As  I  sat  in  my  little  bedroom  thinking  of  what  the 
terrible  future  would  have  in  store  for  me  if  the 
ambitions  and  ideals  of  a  lifetime  came  clattering 
about  my  ears  in  ruins,  the  faint  dawn  of  a  new  day 
came  slowly  sifting  its  light  through  the  curtains,  and 
I  looked  on  that  sea  of  women  down  below  on  the 
pavements  of  Paris  whose  short  lives  of  misery  never 
dammed  up  the  stream  that  had  always  flowed,  would 
ever  flow,  carrying  them  to  their  doom.  Would  an- 
other fall  into  their  miry  midst? 

The  feeling  of  guilt,  of  complicity  in  a  crime  would 
not  be  wiped  out.  With  pride  I  had  strutted  into  the 
mud  that  would  ever  leave  its  stain  upon  me;  nor 

169 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

could  anything  ever  obliterate  its  stench.  I  must 
prepare  to  be  frowned  upon,  insulted  and  suspected. 
He  had  kissed  my  hand;  he  had  looked  into  my  eyes 
with  a  look  that  had  thrilled  me  till  it  was  an  actual 
pain,  as  though  something  sweet,  yet  sharp,  had 
pierced  my  bowels.  He  had  tapped  my  cheek  with 
his  perfumed  fingertips  as  he  promised  to  find  me  all 
the  help  needed  to  secure  a  hearing  in  Paris  —  Ugh ! 

His  broad  shoulders  had  looked  so  strong  and  pro- 
tective as  we  had  dined  at  Friedrichs,  at  the  Tour 
d'Argent,  where,  over  the  incomparable  meal,  we  had 
talked  out  our  dreams  —  or  rather  mine  —  of  a  career. 

When  on  arriving  at  the  school  he  had  thrust 
into  my  hand  a  small  package,  which  had  prored  to 
be  a  regal  pendant  of  diamonds  and  sapphires,  I 
thought,  Russians  are  so  rich  and  lavish  that  he  does 
not  consider  the  thing  in  the  same  light  as  a  student 
who  hesitates  before  breaking  a  twenty  franc  piece. 
Could  he  ever  believe  anyone  so  stupid,  so  innocent, 
while  she  gave  an  impression  utterly  to  the  contrary? 

Yes,  he  had  classed  me  with  the  ill- fed,  half-clad, 
penniless  lot,  to  whom  it  would  be  a  dire  temptation. 
I,  a  sincere  egotist,  with  a  well  regulated  conscience, 
was  mistaken  in  the  catalogue  for  merchandise  that 
one  may  buy  and  use  or  throw  away. 

As  a  knell  that  tolls  on  dark  waters  will  awaken  a 
sleeping  sailor,  so  this  experience  awoke  in  me  a  new 
cognizance  that  the  deepest,  sincerest  passions  do  not 

170 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

express  themselves,  and  that  the  flippant  froth  of  the 
heart,  as  the  foam  of  the  turbulent  sea,  ends  in  noth- 
ing. Then  a  picture  of  those  dear  ones  at  home,  who 
had  never  refused  to  reach  out  loving,  forgiving  arms, 
made  the  idea  almost  bearable  that  the  world  should 
write  its  worst  condemnation  upon  me. 


171 


CHAPTER    XVIII 

Sin,  faith,  and  Islam  —  these  are  only  words. 
And  my  desire,  beloved  friend,  is  you." 


TV/TY  alter  ego  was  riding  in  a  golden  car  hitched 
•*•  to  white  oxen  that  with  dumb  impatience  jog- 
gled me  over  ruined  castles,  which  prevented  me  from 
deciphering  something  like  hieroglyphics  in  rose  leaves, 
while  a  Moscow  bell  tolled  musically,  chiming  with  a 
cheery  voice  outside  my  door,  that  said : 

"  Come,  come,  child,  it  is  noon,  what  is  the  matter  ? 
It's  I.  Open  the  door.  Mademoiselle  is  furious  with 
you.  The  whole  school  is  sitting  down  to  dejeuner." 

The  real  world  opened  before  me,  the  bare  room, 
not  larger  than  the  modish  bandbox,  the  grim,  black 
piano,  and  the  sun  streaming  in  at  the  window, 
together  with  the  noises  of  the  street,  the  quick  trot 
of  that  magic  beast  in  Paris,  the  horse  of  the  "  fiacre," 
and  the  peculiar  calls  of  the  hawkers  attracting  atten- 
tion of  buyers  to  their  wares. 

What  would  my  "  best  friend  in  Paris,"  who  had 
never  identified  herself  with  its  customs,  say  at 
finding  her  student  friend  so  lazy?  Bounding  out  of 

172 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

bed,  with  profuse  apologies  I  opened  the  door,  saying: 
"Enter,  O  radiant  Phoebus." 

She  replied,  in  the  sarcastic  vernacular  that  her 
friends  excused  because  of  other  more  lovable  traits: 
"  Prima  donna  is  awakening,  and  how  do  you  feel  ? 
Just  think,  we  are  going  to  sail  for  home,  I  haven't 
a  moment  to  spare.  Everything  is  just  tumbled  hig- 
glety-pigglety  and  off  we  go,  for  John  had  a  sudden 
scoop  in  America,  so  the  paper  sends  him  as  special 
envoy  and  high  monkey  cockelorum  of  the  great  and 
only  case  of  —  why,  Kate,  you  in  tears?  Homesick, 
•too,  like  a  child  sick  after  a  Christmas  feast?  All 
this  success  and  attention  does  pall  on  one,  they  tell 
me,  but  come,  cheer  up."  Then,  with  sudden,  illu- 
mined inspiration,  she  almost  shrieked,  "  Oh,  Kate,  go 
with  us,  you  would  be  fun  in  the  Ark,  do  go  with  us. 
Mr.  Suydam  said  the  other  day  that  he  would  either 
have  to  take  a  sea  voyage  or  a  dose  of  Kate,  for  you 
always  made  him  laugh  so,  which  was  good  for  a  man 
like  him  who  gets  almost  no  exercise.  Then,  Charley 
can  get  you  to  do  some  of  your  funny  stunts,  with  a 
big  puff  about  your  being  the  whole  concert,  '  on 
board.' " 

No  one  could  have  made  such  an  appeal  to  me  in 
vain,  so  I  prepared  to  return  to  America  with  the 
Suydams. 

At  night  I  would  often  lean  over  the  gunwale  of 
the  boat,  as  the  white,  phosphorescent  spray  bedewed 

173 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

my  face,  and  stare  out  into  the  limitless  expanse  of 
ocean  upon  which  the  silver  moon  showed  the  pearly 
light  through  the  dark  shadows  of  the  clouds,  piled 
up  from  fleecy  gray  to  blackest  veils  of  night. 
The  hypnotic,  sibilant  voice  of  the  darkness  beyond, 
the  solemnity  of  the  scene  and  the  quiet,  sweet  influ- 
ence of  the  night  in  all  its  soothing  quality  of  mother 
to  a  great  harassed  world  that  slumbered  softly  in  its 
bosom  stirred  me.  My  heart  vowed  then,  "  O  stars, 
O  moon,  O  beauty  indescribable,  I  will  be  famous, 
then  rich,  I  will  give  to  the  poor,  health  and  happiness 
shall  be  mine,  but  above  all,  my  home  shall  be  as  noth- 
ing else  can  ever  be."  Oh,  what  a  joyous,  lovely 
world  to  live  in,  and  it  was  easy  to  see  the  brightness 
and  loveliness  of  home-coming.  The  softly  rocking 
boat  carried  many  a  happy  pilgrim,  but  not  one  more 
enthusiastic  than  one  lone  girl. 

At  first,  a  week  seems  a  long  time  to  be  in  such 
small  quarters  among  entire  strangers,  with  nothing 
to  do;  for  the  desultory  reading  one  attempts  out  of 
the  great  supply  provided  on  starting  amounts  to 
nothing,  but  the  days,  sea-washed  from  care,  pass  as  a 
dream,  until  finally,  but  none  too  soon,  we  see  the 
waving,  kaleidoscopic  mass  of  people  on  the  dock 
waiting  for  the  vessel,  that  is  towed  in  like  a  dead 
whale,  slowly,  importantly. 

On  board,  quick  ejaculations,  hurrying  to  and  fro ; 
some,  with  pale  faces  preparing  for  the  custom  officer. 

174 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

"  Where  is  he !  Oh,  I  see,"  but  withal  everyone  speaks 
in  low  tones,  as  if  a  solemn  deed  is  about  to  be  done 
that  requires  a  certain  dignity  of  purpose  to  per- 
form. 

Who  that  has  ever  experienced  it  need  have  told 
to  them  the  exquisite  bliss  of  hailing  the  flag  in  his 
own  country  after  a  long  trip  abroad!  The  journey 
over  is  generally  fraught  for  everyone  with  a  different 
quorum  of  aims  from  those  he  has  on  his  return. 
We  go  to  acquire  something,  to  gain  rest  or  knowl- 
edge; fame  or  social  success;  but  it  matters  not  how 
many  times  we  cross  we  ever  have  the  longing  to  see 
the  familiar  things  of  home  life  that  have  left  some 
mark  that  has  added  to  or  taken  away  from  us.  The 
thing  that  gives  us  the  greatest  sorrow  is,  sometimes, 
the  thing  that  gives  us  the  greatest  solace.  The  flip- 
pant partners  of  our  foreign  pleasures  can  never  give 
us  what  the  simple  life,  among  our  life-long  friends, 
can  at  home.  We  prate  of  Europe  with  its  advantages 
over  anything  that  dares  to  be  homemade,  and  every- 
one will  in  time  sneak  back  on  some  pretext  or  other. 
Some  of  the  excuses  Americans  make  to  go  abroad 
are  so  weakly  that  they  are  still-born,  never  to  see 
the  light  of  day. 

Towering  above  the  others  on  the  dock,  my  father 
gave  a  twitch  to  his  hat  that  telegraphed  more  mean- 
ing to  me  of  his  gladness  to  see  me  than  a  dictionary 
of  adjectives  could  have  done. 

175 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

When  we  met  —  what  a  blessing  it  was  to  have  his 
strong  arms  about  me;  to  see  his  eyes  that  knew  few 
tears  smiling  through  them  now.  We  scarcely  spoke 
of  mother,  because  we  felt  unspeakable  things  too 
holy  to  babble  about. 

For  a  long  time  being  at  home,  with  all  my  friends 
about  me,  was  happiness  enough,  but  it  was  impos- 
sible not  to  compare  New  York  and  Chicago  with 
Paris,  especially  as  everyone  anxiously  wished  for  an 
opinion  on  the  subject,  a  provincialism  from  which  we 
Americans  never  recover.  There  was  a  bellwether 
tendency  to  copy  a  few  snobs  in  this  disrespect  towards 
everything  homemade.  Even  one's  friends  are  not 
always  exempt  from  this  criticism.  To  most  traveled 
foreigners  this  country,  with  its  growing  towns  and 
would-be  metropolises,  is  an  interesting  study.  Espe- 
cially must  the  traveler  see  Chicago,  or  Denver,  to 
know  the  typical  American  city.  No  one  unpreju- 
diced by  the  contempt  that  familiarity  breeds  towards 
a  home  product  could  possibly  ignore  the  fact  of  a 
truly  representative  progress. 

The  architecture  is  as  the  individuality  of  a  per- 
son—  the  expression  of  a  separate  personality.  No 
two  houses  are  exactly  alike.  Interiors,  mostly  de- 
signed, as  well  as  furnished  by  professionals,  permit- 
ted no  sign  of  its  inhabitant,  which  gave  them  a  cold, 
shop-like  air,  even  to  the  small  details. 

I  missed  the  "  chiaroscuro,"  the  bibelots,  the  graces 
176 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

of  color  or  continuity,  or  any  expression  that  even 
the  simplest  apartment  in  Paris  will  exhibit. 

The  fashion  of  lacquered  white  wood,  the  art  and 
lore  of  the  "  Beau  Siecle,"  as  Arsene  Houssaye,  or  the 
Goucourts,  had  not  come  in.  They  had  not  as  yet 
begun  the  cheap  imitation  of  the  French,  Louis  Qua- 
torze  period.  The  people  in  their  belongings  ex- 
pressed what  they  were,  even  women  discussed  the 
cost  of  everything  exhaustively.  Both  men  and 
women  loudly  vaunted  of  their  possessions.  Art  was 
only  patronized  by  the  rich,  and  then  mostly  because 
it  was  "  expensive,"  or  of  a  foreign  mark.  In  all 
fields  of  art,  science  or  literature  the  imported  person 
or  thing  alone  had  the  hall-mark  of  sterling  worth  or 
found  an  eligible  market. 

The  Boulevardier  was  not  discovered.  Nothing  of 
the  ingenious  talent  of  the  Parisian  that  finds  a  cosmos 
in  a  puddle,  was  seen. 

While  I  took  Chicago's  part,  and  promised  it  a  great 
future,  I  complained  bitterly  of  its  inhabitants,  which 
became  the  sword  that  split  the  hair  upon  which  a  few 
friends  were  strung.  The  citizen  runs  down  his  city 
without  thinking  that  as  its  habitant  is,  so  is  the  habi- 
tat. But  the  University  had  brought  its  quota  of 
recherche  souls,  among  whom  it  now  became  my  ambi- 
tion to  work  up  a  salon. 

My  salon  looked  like  Greek  olives  in  January.  A 
few  of  the  French  drawing-rooms  of  the  city's  elite 

177 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

were  opened  to  me  by  women  who  spoke  patois 
French,  which  they  practiced  and  had  learned  from  a 
few  initiated  French  teachers,  too  tired  at  night  to 
properly  play  the  mentor  to  women  aspiring  after 
culture. 

The  witticisms  with  which  I  corrugated  Europe, 
that  had  opened  great  portals  to  me  over  there,  closed 
even  the  portholes  of  society  at  home,  so  that  this 
flower  of  ambition  was  covered  up  with  the  sawdust 
of  the  daily  grind  about  me,  and  another  form  of 
vanity  was  crushed. 

The  shriek  of  the  squeezed  eagle  drowned  the  low 
voice  of  mild  philosophy  and  art.' 

In  either  London  or  Paris  there  are  men  of  leisure 
who  are  the  Tantaluses  of  two  things  which  they  con- 
stantly desire,  without  ever  being  able  to  attain, 
even  hypothetically,  mainly:  to  have  their  trousers 
reseated,  and  to  overthrow  the  government.  While 
this  was  difficult  to  achieve,  they  made  a  very  in- 
teresting variety  to  afternoon  teas,  in  the  dim  light 
and  quiet  peace  of  a  drawing-room,  where  sociability 
was  the  main  object  of  getting  people  together;  —  a 
strong  contrast  to  us  at  home,  who  invite  hundreds 
of  women  to  our  houses,  where  we  wish  to  osten- 
tatiously show  off  our  appointments,  but  rarely  see 
a  man  of  the  variety  who  buys  boxes  at  the  opera, 
©r  who  returns  social  indebtedness  with  expensive  din- 

178 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

ners  or  bouquets  of  orchids.  The  larger  the  crowd 
and  the  less  comfortable  everybody  is,  the  more  of  a 
success  the  entertainment  is  counted. 

The  voices  of  the  women  as  they  exchange  com- 
monplace remarks  about  the  weather,  or  the  last  party, 
above  the  din  of  the  two  or  three  orchestras  clashing 
and  pounding  out  their  dance  tunes  or  "  rag-time," 
are  deafening,  not  to  say  nerve-racking.  The  rich 
apparel  these  women  wear  for  the  profit  of  exciting 
the  envy  of  each  other,  would  represent  vast  fortunes. 
Sometimes  a  half  dozen  of  these  affairs  a  day  are 
•counted  the  necessary  thing  for  deciding  one's  social 
status. 

Conquering  empires,  or  winning  laurels,  however 
small  or  dusty,  would  be  better  than  to  watch  the 
corpse  of  love  over  someone  else's  tea-cup  for  the 
rest  of  one's  life.  What  did  it  matter  if  the  dowagers 
frowned  upon  me  or  the  young  girls,  per  rule, 
scratched  me  off  their  list  ?  Did  I  not  have  resources 
worth  worlds  of  joy  to  me? 

Music  is  the  language  of  the  emotions.  I  would 
waken  in  others  the  passions  that  stirred  with  a  pain- 
ful throb  in  my  own  breast. 

A  newspaper  reporter  said  of  me  in  a  county  daily 
after  a  charity  concert,  "  Her  voice  is  as  pure  as  a 
lark's,  rich  as  an  organ  swell,  tender  as  love's  first 
embrace."  It  was  a  suburban  paper,  but  it  afforded 

179 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

me  the  joy  of  seeing  my  name  in  print,  which  is 
something,  but  this  was  only  the  selvage,  not  the 
whole,  which  was  what  I  wanted. 

The  world  seemed  full  of  wearisome  corvees.  My 
associates  were  mostly  women  who  lived  in  pattern 
houses,  with  moral  belief  in  their  bounden  duty  as 
housekeepers  and  the  rearers  of  a  growing  family  into 
the  same  rigid  propriety  as  they  prescribed;  whose 
husbands  took  no  part  in  any  of  the  important  ques- 
tions of  their  country's  welfare  but  ground  out  dollars 
with  daily  precision  and  a  satisfied  conscience  that  all 
responsibilities  toward  the  world  and  themselves  were 
thus  amply  performed. 

Determination  not  to  become  as  one  of  these  turned 
my  eyes  again  toward  Europe.  After  Paris,  Chicago 
was  as  the  tinsel  tawdry  of  a  circus  seen  by  daylight. 

Paris  called  me,  I  felt  that  I  must  go. 


180 


CHAPTER    XIX 

"  To  prick  me  to  a  pattern  with  her  pin, 
Fibre  from  fibre,  delicate  leaflet  from  leaf, 
And  dry  out  from  my  drowned  anatomy 
The  last  sea-salt  left  in  me" 


miry  depth  of  misery  could  have  been  de- 
scribed  with  more  verve  than  that  of  my  father, 
as  he  urged  upon  me  all  objections  to  my  returning 
to  Paris  to  enter  upon  the  brilliant  career  that  I  still 
never  doubted  for  a  moment  would  be  mine.  It  was 
plain  to  me  what  one  august  parent  thought  of  his 
darling  progeny's  possibility  of  obtaining  a  success 
that  of  itself  would  be  counted  by  him  a  disgrace. 

However,  to  obey  was  one  of  the  virtues  left  to  me; 
clearly  it  was  my  duty  to  remain  on  this  side! 

While  waiting  to  decide  upon  what  to  expend  my 
activity  at  home,  that  branch  of  life's  curriculum 
which  is  never  missing  from  a  woman's  program  pre- 
sented itself  to  me, —  the  male,  that  never  lacked  for 
specimen.  There  were  two  who  professed  a  friend- 
ship that  in  the  after  years  proved  to  be  sincere,  these 
men  were  Clifford  Bennet,  commonly  nicknamed 

181 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

Speed,  in  caricature  for  his  slow  and  deliberate  man- 
ner, and  Larnard  Parker,  his  chum.  The  world's  ex- 
perience is  that  a  man's  friendship  for  a  woman  is 
a  rare  exotic,  and  when  a  woman  is  the  fortunate 
recipient  of  it  that  she  is  either  above  or  below  her 
sex  in  the  virtues  generally  considered  necessary  for 
her  to  possess,  if  this  friendship  is  to  ring  true.  We 
can  form  a  good  idea  of  a  man's  character  by  what 
he  says  of  women. 

Clifford's  nature,  inherited  from  a  long  line  of 
puritanical  ancestry  was  clear  as  crystal.  Even  con- 
tact with  the  society  in  which  by  his  great  wealth  he 
was  obliged  to  live,  had  not  contaminated  his  heart, 
always  willing,  in  spite  of  ridicule,  to  look  for  the 
good  in  the  rubbish  heap.  He  was  respected  by  all 
who  knew  him  for  his  influence,  which  he  always 
tried  to  throw  toward  the  so-called  right.  Instinc- 
tively courageous,  as  the  truly  aristocratic  at  heart 
always  are,  he  never  saw  himself  in  the  light  of  a 
hero,  as  many  of  his  friends  did.  It  was  an  honor 
to  any  woman  to  have  him  as  her  intime.  Noted  for 
his  sincerity  it  was  one  of  the  balms  of  existence  to 
have  such  a  man's  confidence,  to  say  nothing  of  admir- 
ation. 

Even  his  chum  realized  what  an  honor  such  a 
friendship  was  to  him,  and  showed  me  one 
time,  long  afterward,  this  letter  that  he  had  re- 
ceived from  Clifford,  which  reveals  his  depth  of 

182 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

sterling  character  more  clearly  than  I  could  describe 
it. 

"  Dear  Lar: 

"  You  ask  your  old  chum  to  tell  you  about  his 
broken  engagement  in  the  same  breath  that  you  couple 
his  name  with  that  of  Kate.  Proud  as  I  am  to  be 
bracketed  with  her,  even  in  print,  I  am  especially 
peacockified  because  you  lay  such  implicit  confidence 
in  my  truth-telling,  knowing  as  you  do,  my  awful 
heredity,  and  how  carefully  I  have  tried  to  overcome 
the  habit,  to  please  my  immediate  coterie.  My  am- 
bition to  be  a  second  Ananias  is  futile.  The  worst 
of  it  is,  there  are  so  many  ways  of  telling  the  truth 
besides  the  vocal  effort.  There  is  a  way  of  looking 
it,  of  acting  it,  or  of  fairly  breathing  it.  Every  pore 
of  my  body  blats  truth  with  such  elaborate  nicety  that 
when  an  assembly  see  me  enter  a  drawing-room, 
metaphorically  speaking, —  everybody  shuts  his  eyes, 
grits  his  teeth,  and  prepares  for  the  worst.  My  path 
in  society  instead  of  being  rose  strewn,  with  only 
thorns  to  contend  with,  is  laid  out  with  the  dead  or 
dying  who  have  encountered  my  lance  of  truth,  or 
those  who  wish  for  death  rather  than  to  meet  it. 
To  be  the  accomplished  liar  you  have  attained  unto  I 
would  give  half  my  worldly  goods. 

"  I  often  sail  in  with  the  intention  of  stroking 
everyone  the  right  way,  resolved  to  strew  thistle- 

183 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

down  lies  that  will  float  everybody's  egotism,  that  I 
may  deserve  a  vestige  of  good  will  from  at  least  one 
of  the  bunch;  from  the  seeds  of  productiveness  that 
thus  fly  in  the  air  will  I  distribute  good  intentions  all 
about, —  but  no  —  the  portieres  of  the  first  room  are 
no  sooner  safely  passed  than,  as  a  war-horse  that 
smells  the  battle  afar  off,  with  the  sound  of  the  bugle 
blowing  in  his  ears,  I  sniff  a  lie — Voila!  It  is  de- 
creed that  what  my  nature  longs  for  most  it  destroys 
the  speediest.  If  sackcloth  and  ashes  can  make  a 
man  over,  Heaven,  then,  ought  to  give  me  its  un- 
requited love  and  make  me  an  angel. 

"  This  reminds  me  that  you  did  not  ask  about  me, 
but  the  truth  about  my  broken  engagement,  while  in- 
stead, I  have  regaled  you  with  a  dissertation  on, 
*  yours  truly.'  Suffice  it  to  say  that  the  engagement 
is  broken,  my  idol  shattered,  but  not  until  the  cloven 
feet  had  become  enough  in  evidence  to  mitigate  the 
pangs  my  lacerated  heart  would  otherwise  have  sus- 
tained, but,  *  let  the  dead  bury  the  dead,'  and  instead 
let  me  tell  you  of  the  new  star  that  has  risen  in  my 
horizon,  the  Kate  with  whom  you  couple  my  name. 

"  She  is  young,  but  in  all  sincerity  I  believe  that 
as  her  history  is  not  now  an  unknown  quantity,  neither 
will  it  in  the  future  be  placed  on  the  back  shelves  of 
cheap  bookstalls  but  emblazoned  along  boulevards, 
where  those  who  run  may  read.  It  is  my  humble 
opinion  that  her  chroniclers  will  not  be  myself  alone 

184 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

but  as  many  as  The  Daily  Bulletin  can  afford  to  sup- 
port after  the  first  installment  retire  for  treatment  of 
writer's  cramp. 

"  Upon  the  tourist's  track  of  Europe  she  left  be- 
hind a  coruscating  trail  of  anecdotes  that  do  not  find 
embalming  necessary  to  keep  them  immortal.  The 
high  spirits,  overwhelming  good  nature;  the  reckless 
sayings,  and  the  frightfully  audacious  things  she  did, 
began  at  breakfast  and  only  ended  when  she  was 
forced  by  the  deserted  rooms  of  the  hotels,  or  the 
decks  of  boats,  to  know  that  it  was  also  her  bed- 
time. One  man  of  her  party  survived  to  tell  the  tale. 

"  At  first  sight  she  is  like  shorthand  copy  to  a  lay- 
man;—  it  looks  so  insignificant  but  proves  to  mean 
so  much.  The  people  who  chaperoned  her  abroad 
knew  not  what  they  undertook.  Their  sense  of  pro- 
priety suffered  from  the  fierce  publicity  that  anyone 
acquires  who  is  with  her  for  the  fraction  of  a  second, 
for  she  is  constantly  saying  or  doing  something  to 
make  her  antics  bandied  about  from  one  to  another. 
Probably  no  one  is  born  dignified,  but  she  is  so 
essentially  natural  that  a  Choctaw  in  swaddling  is  not 
like  unto  her;  something  of  the' savage  about  her  is 
attractive,  too.  While  she  is  careless  of  most  things 
she  knows  her  own  rights,  as  well  as  those  of  others, 
if  the  press  of  circumstances  is  such  as  to  make  it 
necessary  for  her  to  assert  them. 

"  There  is  a  time  coming  when  a  few  of  us  hope 
185 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

that  she  will  wake  up  to  find  out  that  the  world,  and 
life,  are  too  big  and  real  for  a  farce,  when  she  will 
turn  nurse,  or  scrub  the  floors,  or  do  any  old  thing 
if  it  could  conduce  to  the  further  happiness  of  the 
man  whom  she  would  elect  to  run  double  with.  She 
has  more  of  the  greyhound  instinct  to  flare  out  that 
which  is  not  good  for  her  than  anyone  who  has  ever 
crossed  my  path,  which  may  account  for  her  being 
the  most  virtuous  woman  in  my  knowledge  of  women 
so  far.  She  is  innocent  of  making  a  show  of  it,  much 
less  of  appreciating  its  price, —  the  virtue,  I  mean. 

"  Intuitively,  I  said  the  moment  I  saw  her,  there 
is  no  sham  there,  but  she  is  fickle  as  the  dew.  No 
one  has  as  yet  preempted  an  inch  of  her  in  any  way, 
and  I  would  advise  all  would-be  poachers  not  to  tres- 
pass on  what  I  intend  in  future  to  make  my  own. 
She  affects  me  like  champagne  with  her  light  humor, 
her  wit  would  make  a  statue  of  Rameses  II  giggle 
irrepressibly. 

"  With  massive  gallantry  I  invited  her  to  lunch  with 
me.  The  cool  candor  with  which  she  accepted  my 
invitation  brought  a  blush  of  wonder  to  my  cheek. 

"  We  went  to  one  of  those  sacred  temples  of  cul- 
tured extravagance,  where  your  feet  sink  a  foot  into 
the  carpet,  while  a  faint  sound  of  music  reaches  your 
ears.  The  servants  look  dressed  better  than  you  are 
and  show  you  the  way  in  a  manner  that  makes  you 
wish  that  you  had  worn  your  new  necktie  and  had 

186 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

your  hat  ironed,  as  you  also  wish  that  you  did  not 
stumble  over  things  so  but  could  appear  more  of  a 
habitue  of  the  place. 

"  We  saw  many  of  our  mutual  friends,  and  Kate 
was  satisfied,  for  her  demeanor  was  imperturbable, — 
but  she  did  not  conceive  of  the  criticism  she  elicited. 
Men,  who  have  the  most  of  it  and  are  ashamed  of  it, 
attribute  curiosity  wholly  to  women.  Whether  my 
little  bird  was  a  golden  eagle  or  a  gilded  penny  had 
inflicted  more  curiosity  upon  me  than  any  other  ques- 
tion in  my  lifetime,  but  my  discovery  was,  as  I  had 
supposed  it  would  be,  that  there  was  nothing  false 
about  the  ring  of  the  metal.  It  is  pure  gold,  and  I 
only  pray  to  deserve  and  win  it,  failing  of  that,  I 
pray  that  the  other  fellow  may  be  worthy  of  so  fair 
a  possession. 

"  There  are  times  when  she  is  more  like  moonlight, 
or  a  refreshing  prayer.  Will  you  forgive  me  for 
writing  at  length  about  a  girl  you  have  never  seen  but 
whom  you  may  be  invited  to  dine  with  at  the  home 
of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Clifford  James  Bennet. 

"  Write  soon  to  yours  on  the  fence, 

"  CLIFF." 


187 


CHAPTER  XX 

Let  us  knozv  all;  prate  not  of  most,  or  least, 
Principal,  or  ease." 


f  I  MrlE  dinners  of  Clifford's  friend,  Mr.  Bradford, 
•*•  were  recorded  as  among  the  classic  events  in 
Chicago's  social  world.  It  was  not  imperative  for 
him  to  put  R.  S.  V.  P.  on  his  invitations,  for  few  of 
those  honored  with  a  card  for  such  a  function  ever 
replied  in  the  negative.  With  one  of  these  invitations 
he  sent  a  special  message  that  under  no  circumstances 
would  he  allow  me  to  refuse  him  on  this  particular 
occasion,  besides,  he  wished,  as  it  was  a  bad  habit  of 
his  to  wish,  and  one  that  he  could  not  shake  off,  that 
I  would  come  early  and  not  leave  until  late ;  "  a 
knight  of  the  carpet,  from  Russia,  who  cannot  speak 
a  dozen  words  in  English  will  be  a  distinguished 
guest,"  were  the  words  that  aroused  my  special  in- 
terest. 

Regal  preparations  were  made  that  rather  awed 
those  of  us  who  had  assisted  at  many  a  Lycurgus  feast 
in  that  dining-room  so  eminent  in  its  fame  for  the 
best  cuisine  and  rich  surroundings,  not  to  mention 

1 88 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

the  wine.  We  waited  long  and  impatiently,  but  the 
star  guest  did  not  come.  At  last,  late  beyond  all 
limit  of  conventionality,  we  were  ushered  into  the 
dining-room  without  him,  which  left  me  beside  an 
empty  plate.  "  That  will  be  for  '  Ironclad's  '  future 
husband  when  he  grows  up,  as  I  hear  she  has  lately 
retired  us  old  fellows  to  take  the  youngsters  into  her 
regiment,"  said  Clifford,  using  the  old-time  pet  name 
for  me  of  my  intimates. 

"  Miss  Ironclad,  as  your  chums  call  you,  I  won- 
der if  you  did  not  meet  in  Paris  our  friend,  the  Rus- 
sian, who  was  to  have  been  with  us  this  evening. 
But  maybe  his  age,  or  his  rank  did  not  win  your 
approval,"  said  General  Merriwether,  one  of  Clifford's 
friends  sitting  near  us  at  the  table. 

"If  the  good  die  young,  General,  you  will  have  to 
be  asked  to  stand  up  and  explain  why  you  are  still 
alive,"  I  said,  trying  to  smile  so  as  not  to  show  the 
pique  his  sarcasm  made  me  feel. 

"  To  keep  pace  with  your  metaphors,  dear  young 
lady,  I  have  wondered  for  a  long  time  why  you  have 
not  been  caught  in  the  flowery  toils  of  matrimony, 
when  your  charms  have  so  undoubtedly  been  admired 
by  not  a  few." 

"  '  Chaqu'un  un  prend  son  bien  ou  il  se  trouve '  is 
the  best  doctrine  possible  for  many  things  but  not  in 
the  insuperable  contingencies  of  jumping  barriers  of 
single  blessedness,"  I  replied,  evading  any  recognition 

189 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

of  his  insinuations.  "  When  I  see  the  choice  so  lightly 
made,  and  how  easily  pleased  some  men  and  women 
are,  I  begin  to  believe  in  the  Arabian  proverb  that  '  a 
fig  tree  looking  on  a  fig  tree  becometh  fruitful/  ' 
As  this  elicited  no  response  from  anyone  I  adapted 
myself  to  the  adamantine  indifference  that  seems  to  be 
"  au  rigueur  "  at  dinner  parties. 

"  The  old  warhorse  will  get  a  few  in  the  neck  it 
seems;  if  you  get  after  him  we  will  all  be  thankful, 
for  he  puts  everyone  under  the  limelight  of  his  un- 
merciful criticism,"  said  Clifford  to  me,  as  he  looked 
about  the  table  to  see  no  one  remarked  him. 

No  one  seemed  really  interested  in  the  proceedings. 
The  guests  appeared  iced  and  cooled  for  the  event, 
like  the  wines  and  fruits.  Everyone  was  dressed  out 
of  all  recognition,  laden  with  gems  as  a  lay  figure  is 
bedecked  in  a  shop  to  show  off  the  wares,  and  with 
assumed  manners  that,  as  a  whole,  made  the  assembly 
ghoulish.  Their  coarse  faces  and  idle  chatter,  com- 
pared with  the  sumptuous  appointments  accentuated 
the  fact  that  the  effort  made  to  have  a  good  time  was 
out  of  all  proportion  to  the  result. 

As  the  nobility  of  Europe  generally  know  each 
other,  I  had  wondered  if  this  Russian  could  be  ac- 
quainted with  the  one  whom  I  had  met  in  Paris,  and 
should  he  not  be,  had  looked  forward  to  making  a 
good  impression  on  him,  in  case  he  might  redeem 
the  flippant  idea  of  my  Paris  Russian  who  could  not 

190 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

reconcile  a  woman  traveling  alone  with  mental 
equilibrium  and  moral  resolution. 

Unfortunately  I  had  revealed  the  fact  about  my- 
self to  those  of  my  associates  who  cared  anything 
about  me,  that  if  I  lived  to  be  ninety  my  exuberance 
(the  original  sin  of  natural  expression)  would  cling 
to  me,  to  my  much  undoing  if  compelled  to  live  among 
people  devoted  to  so-called  society.  The  look  of 
contempt,  which  was  a  sort  of  acknowledgment  of 
superiority,  revealed  to  my  consciousness  that  to  me 
would  belong  the  dower  of  a  fine  misery;  that  they 
would  teach  me  the  complete  snub  inflicted  upon 
dreaded  rivalry,  forgotten  by  the  fear  of  the  danger- 
ous qualities  of  their  rival,  where,  usually,  the  victim 
is  indicted  and  the  decree  signed  and  sealed  by  such 
a  court  without  hearing.  Their  vices  were  becoming 
known  to  me;  to  their  cosmetics  and  gossip  I  was 
inured  long  since. 

"  Are  you  having  a  good  time,  or  wouldn't  you 
rather  be  crouched  on  the  sofa,  listening  to  Lar  play- 
ing Chopin?"  whispered  Clifford. 

"  Candidly,  no ;  I  am  really  very  sad,  I  feel  as  out 
of  place  as  a  china  doll  would  be  in  this  social  swim. 
Listen  to  the  conversation  for  a  moment." 

One  woman  was  lauding  a  certain  emporium  for 
boys'  clothes,  in  Paris;  another  recited  a  piece  of 
scandal,  while  a  deep,  smooth  voice  dilated  on  the 
slump  in  the  stock  market,  and  a  high,  shrill  voice  op- 

191 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

posite  was  saying:  "  It  was  so  chic,  all  frou-frou  and 
paillettes,  the  prettiest  confection  Driscoll  has  turned 
out  in  a  season,  but  it  all  went  into  the  fire,  for  she 
was  not  pleased  with  it."  Clifford  had  said  the  elite 
were  to  be  here  to-night, —  were  these  the  samples  he 
had  to  show? 

Beginning  to  glow  with  the  effects  of  the  wine,  Clif- 
ford turned  round  to  look  me  squarely  in  the  face,  at 
the  same  time  laying  his  hand  heavily  on  the  table 
as  though  to  steady  himself  for  a  great  speech,  and 
said:  "Everyone  cannot  have  the  rainbow  quality  of 
your  nature  that  reaches  from  the  quiet  perception 
of  light  stupidity  to  the  profound  depths,  which  in- 
cludes a  versatility  that  completes  the  arc  and  makes 
you  fascinating." 

"Oh,  Clifford,"  I  cried,  "don't  double,  for  when 
you  do  I  never  understand  you,  and  you  have  all  my 
friendship,  so  there  is  no  use  in  your  flattering  me." 

Placing  the  index  finger  of  his  right  hand  against 
his  shirt  front,  and  with  a  comical  expression  on  his 
face,  looking  like  a  lawyer  who  had  been  fined  for 
contempt  of  court,  he  continued,  "  Those  who  perse- 
vere and  study  you  are  never  unmindful  of  the  lasting 
benefit  you  are  to  them.  Your  goodness,  good-humor 
and  wit  have  been  a  god-send  to  me  and  you  have 
raised  the  sex  line  many  knots  higher,  so  that  all 
women  seem  better  to  me  for  having  known  you." 

"  Nonsense,  Clifford,  you  are  not  drunk  enough  to 
192 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

be  witty  nor  sober  enough  to  be  truthful;  not  one 
woman  here  but  believes  me  to  be  a  menace  to  high 
moral  society." 

"  Don't  laugh  at  me,  Kate.  The  first-class  society 
woman  is  not,  essentially,  a  moral  woman."  At  this 
old  Mrs.  Merriwether  turned  her  sallow  fat  face  to 
look  with  Tertullian  gaze  into  his  florid  physiognomy. 

Clifford,  who  possessed  that  great  social  chameleon 
talent  of  changing  the  expression  of  his  face,  instantly 
turned  towards  her,  with  a  bow,  "  I  was  just  saying, 
Mrs.  Merriwether,  that  in  regard  to  this  past  Russo- 
Japanese  affair,  it  is  fatal  to  project  the  idea  to  a 
conqueror  that  he  can  be  conquered." 

"War  is  a  dreadful  thing,"  replied  Mrs.  Merri- 
wether as  she  resumed  her  knife  and  fork. 

"  You  women  make  much  more  deadly  war  than 
we  men  do,"  piped  up  a  college  professor  peering 
over  his  gold-rimmed  glasses,  bound  to  enter  into  the 
conversation  and  show  his  pedagogic  learning. 
"  You  show  yourselves  stronger  than  the  strongest 
men  in  throwing  down  Cupid  and  Psyche  to  worship 
Midas  and  the  Parcse." 

The  manner  of  saying  this,  more  than  the  words, 
which  did  not  seem  to  mean  anything  to  anybody 
present,  incited  me  to  remark  with  rather  more  vehe- 
mence than  I  cared  to  show  under  the  circumstances, 
"  You  are  hard  upon  us  when  you  say  we  pit  love  and 
the  soul  against  riches  and  fate,  for  fate  comes  to  us 

193 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

often  in  the  form  of  environment,  or  circumstances 
which  entirely  control  us;  then  gold,  social  position, 
and  propriety  compose  the  triangle  emblazoned  by 
respectability  on  the  arms  of  power,  to  which  every 
human  being  aspires.  A  woman,  since  she  cannot 
carve  out  her  destiny  as  men  do  must,  to  be  a  con- 
queror, have  this  triangle  emblazoned  upon  her  shield, 
let  it  cost  what  it  may." 

I  bit  my  lip  with  regret  as  Mrs.  Worther  turned 
upon  me  a  great  square,  Nero-like  face,  bedaubed  with 
grease  paints  of  various  colors.  She  lowered  her 
voice  to  say  something,  but  raised  it  again  suffi- 
ciently for  me  to  hear  her  remark,  made  confidentially 
to  her  neighbor: 

"  She  looks  like  a  yellow  covered  copy  of  some 
vicious  novel.  They  say  she  always  wears  yellow, 
perhaps  it  may  be  a  sign  that  she  prefers  that  style  of 
literature.  Ah,  me,  the  young  people  of  to-day,"  and 
Mrs.  Worther  eyed  me  as  she  asked  something  of  her 
neighbor,  who  in  answer  arched  an  eyebrow  and  said, 
"  She  appears  socially  sometimes,  I  believe." 

Hot  flashes  of  remorse  made  me  wonder  why  this 
sort  of  thing  impelled  me  to  go  on  in  spite  of  my- 
self; the  impetus  was  beyond  my  control,  and  I  sped 
on  to  destruction. 

"  Heavens,"  almost  wailed  Clifford  in  an  undertone, 
"  don't  you  see  that  every  thumb  is  turned  down  ? 
Et  tu  Brute?  Cheer  up,  say  yes,  and  no,  come 

194 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

fathoms  up  out  of  your  cynicism  that  you  do  not 
really  feel.  You  will  never  be  called  on  by  one  of 
these  women." 

Then  he  donned  a  regulation  smirk  that  I  had  never 
seen  him  wear  before  as  he  turned  with  a  gallant  re- 
gard toward  a  lady  in  a  resplendent  gown  in  shocking 
decollete. 

It  was  a  great  relief  when  the  signal  to  adjourn  to 
the  drawing-room  was  given  and  Clifford  could  take 
me  to  a  corner  to  lecture,  or  amuse  me,  as  he  felt  in- 
clined, and  we  were  beyond  complying  with  the  de- 
mands of  civility  that  these  women  made  upon  us. 

"  Now,  my  dear,  take  my  advice.  You,  as  an  un- 
married woman  are  a  sort  of  Saint  Sebastian,  with 
all  the  other  women  aiming  their  pointed  barbs  at 
you.  You  need  the  protection  of  a  husband ;  take  me, 
then  you  can  do  exactly  as  you  like.  Let  me  do  your 
fighting.  You  can  drive  any  man  to  a  hitching  post, 
and  he  would  stay  there  a  lifetime  if  you  but  said  so. 
There  is  something  masculine  in  your  nature  that 
loves  to  crush  obstacles  in  the  way.  You  have  in- 
domitable pride  and  ambition  but  they  won't  count 
when  it  comes  to  making  you  happy. 

"  They  say  at  the  club  that  when  Charlie  Winthorp 
took  a  lot  of  you  girls  out  yachting  he  drank  himself 
unfit  while  responding  to  the  bumpers  and  loving  cups 
of  the  girls;  that  the  captain  was  sick,  and  when  a 
great  squall  clutched  your  boat  that  you  told  the 

195 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

screaming  and  praying  girls  not  to  worry,  that  a  sud- 
den squall  like  that  was  nothing  and  would  soon  blow 
over,  and  then  you  took  the  wheel  and  gave  orders, 
and  landed  them  all  in  port  without  any  more  con- 
cern than  if  you  had  posted  a  letter  for  someone. 

"  They  have  not  any  of  them  applied  the  alkali  test 
to  you,  as  I  have  done,  to  find  out  how  pure  you  are. 
Have  courage  in  this,  marry  me." 

Our  hands  sought  each  other ;  the  touch  assured  me 
of  Clifford's  sincerity  even  though  employing  an  al- 
most bantering  tone. 

"  Oh,  Clifford,  that  will  do,  you  talk  as  if  honesty 
was  not  often  to  be  met  with  outside  of  jail.  All 
women  are  pure,  aren't  they?  And  as  for  courage, 
everyone  has  at  least  one  virtue,  but  I  like  you  too 
well  to  marry  you,  so  there." 

Clifford,  with  his  hands  in  his  pockets  and  his  head 
on  the  back  of  the  sofa  looked  at  the  chandelier  as  he 
replied  slowly :  "  No,  you  are  different  all  around 
from  the  whole  world." 

"  I  am,  Clifford.  I  am  not  a  disciple  of  Lecomte 
any  more,  but  there  is  a  certain  fatality  bound  round 
me  in  spite  of  all  volition,  all  premonition;  even 
though  I  feel  a  cold,  shuddering  fear  of  something 
that  is  to  happen,  as  I  have  to-night.  Maybe  it  is 
that  I  shall  some  day  look  like  Mrs.  Worther." 

"  What  could  happen  except  what  ought  to  happen 
to  a  sweet  young  girl  ?  Every  good  thing  in  the  world 

196 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

ought  to  be  yours,  dear  Old  Ironclad,  and  while  I  may, 
so  to  say,  like  to  see  you  the  epergne  of  a  dinner  party, 
I  do  not,  metaphorically,  wish  to  see  you  '  in  the  soup/ 
You  should  be  a  great  social  success  but  I  am  darned 
afraid  that  you  never  can  be  in  Chicago.  But,  I  see 
our  official  hostess  coming  towards  us;  she  will  want 
a  song,  or  some  of  your  stories  or  stunts.  Would 
you  go  now  if  I  asked  you  to  drive  with  me?  " 

"  Yes,  Clifford,"  I  said,  as  our  hands  clasped  in  a 
friendly  grip. 

We  were  in  the  hall  waiting  for  our  carriage  to  be 
called  when  a  muffled  figure  stepped  in,  threw  back 
the  sable  coat  that  partly  concealed  his  face,  as  his 
large,  magnetic  eyes  strained  into  mine,  at  first  with 
surprise,  finally  with  recognition.  He  glided  towards 
me  before  I  realized  who  he  was  or  my  quivering 
limbs  would  move.  Those  fearful  eyes  looking  out 
of  their  shrewd,  glittering  depths  into  mine  could  be- 
long to  but  one  man, —  my  Russian. 

My  heart,  vain  rag  that  it  was,  fluttered  furiously. 
To  think  of  this  throbbing  heart  and  excited  brain 
pulsating  for  him.  Would  it  be  impossible  to  down 
this  wickedness?  Faugh!  While  I,  the  vile  thing 
that  I  was,  could  wish  to  see  him,  to  touch  his  hand. 

"  My  dear  young  friend,  this  is  fortunate  for  me. 
I  was  delayed  but  now  am  I  doubly  chagrined.  I 
must  see  you,  I  wish  to  speak  to  you,  there  is  much 
I  must  say  to  you;  believe  me  still  your  slave.  To- 

197 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

morrow  at  three  expect  me,"  he  said  as  if  we  had 
parted  yesterday  the  best  of  friends.  He  kissed  my 
hand  with  the  same  exquisite  gallantry  that  had  been 
part  of  his  power  over  me.  My  beating  heart  and 
burning  cheeks  were  signs  repugnant  enough  to  shame 
me  before  this  man  who  had  spit  upon  me  and  who 
was  now  depriving  me  of  volition  as  well  as  proper 
mental  equilibrium,  for  I  accepted  his  invitation,  in- 
stead of  proudly  spurning  him,  as  I  had  so  longed 
and  hoped  that  I  might  some  day. 

Hurriedly  saying  good-night,  I  was  aware  of  awk- 
wardly stumbling  upstairs  in  a  way  that  a  few  de- 
parting guests  who  were  witness  to  the  scene  attrib- 
uted to  mild  intoxication. 

"What  is  the  matter,  dear?"  asked  Clifford  in  his 
softest  tone  as  later  we  drove  along  the  quiet  street 
without  speaking. 

"  Nothing,  only  I  do  not  care  to  talk  in  this  solemn 
quiet."  So  we  drove  home  through  the  sleeping  city 
that  the  moon  hallowed  in  its  calm  light,  our  silence 
eloquent  of  many  things. 

The  world  seemed  quenched  of  all  its  wickedness  in 
the  soothing  night,  the  everlasting  tomb  of  day.  Re- 
solves are  best  made  in  the  still  darkness.  If  only  I 
could  say, —  Good  World,  sinning  and  suffering,  be- 
hold, there  is  a  deliverer,  and  I  would  take  the  poor, 
torn  thing  called  humanity  in  my  arms  to  wash  it  of 
its  vanity, —  only  I  could  not  tear  off  the  little  corner 

198 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

of  my  own  heart  that  was  not  empty  of  pride.  Hu- 
mility bought  of  bitter  experience  is  the  most  abject 
in  the  category,  the  most  painful  of  acknowledgment. 
It  was  this  that  seared  my  vainglorious  pride  to-night. 
Something  told  me  that  the  worst  had  not  come  yet, 
and  as  Clifford  bade  me  good-night  it  seemed  natural 
that  he  should  assert  himself  as  my  everlasting  friend 
in  whatever  need,  and  that  he  would  always  answer 
my  appeal.  If  only  he  could  help  me  to  forget  this 
Russian ! 


199 


CHAPTER  XXI 

"  Alas,  one  Summer's  fire, 
One  Autumn's  chill,  one  Winter's  discontent, 
And  now,  one  Spring  of  joy  and  hope  deferred, 
That  I  behold  May's  veil  of  beauty  rent  — 
And  stand  unmoved  by  sun,  and  flower,  and  bird.' 


A  BLUE  day,  accompanied  by  a  splitting  head- 
"*•  ache,  after  a  particularly  rosy  evening  gener- 
ally encourages  a  belated  philosophy  to  indulge  in 
deriding  such  folly  as  dinner  parties,  and  condemns 
as  monstrous  the  social  competition,  the  houses  we 
five  in,  the  clothes  we  wear,  the  music  we  hear,  a 
day  when  in  fact,  we  betray  signs  of  agreeing  with 
Tolstoy  in  disbelieving  in  anything  material  as  good, 
for  everything  looks  like  such  palpable  nonsense. 
Was  this  the  effect  of  the  champagne  of  the  night  be- 
fore? Why  had  this  persistent  thought  of  the  Rus- 
sian robbed  me  of  my  peace  of  mind?.  Why  could 
nothing  dispel  this  depression;  was  it  indigestion,  or 
was  it  really  spiritual  acumen  that  foresaw  an  invisible 
chain  linking  our  lives  together,  and  that  with  no 
moral  result  to  myself? 

200 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

Above  all  strange  things  in  this  incoherent  life  of 
mine,  how  had  our  lines  again  converged  ?  How  had 
Clifford  and  Mr.  Bradford  become  acquainted  with 
this  Russian  and  what  had  brought  him  to  America? 
It  was  impossible  to  dispel  these  thoughts  which  were 
maddeningly  persistent.  The  conclusion  that  my 
mind  dwelt  upon  most  was,  that  no  other  man  would 
ever,  or  could  ever  be  the  complement  or  take  the  all 
of  me  as  this  man  did,  apparently  without  effort  on  his 
part.  Had  he  not  treated  me  with  worse  than  con- 
.tempt  by  offering  me  money  and  jewels?  Had  he 
not  put  me  on  tenter-hooks  from  the  first  moment 
that  we  had  met?  Had  he  not  aroused  every  passion 
in  my  nature,  till  now,  at  this  moment,  I  hated  him 
with  a  moral  hatred  that  fairly  loved  hating  —  a  mar- 
ried man  posing  as  a  bachelor,  why  should  he  deserve 
the  honor  of  even  my  hostility?  He  could  never  be- 
long to  me.  No  woman  could  ever  possibly  he  happy 
with  a  man  who  had  grossly  insulted  her  before  mar- 
riage, without  cause.  Besides,  his  Slav  notions  of 
classing  women  with  brutes,  or  other  necessary  house- 
hold economics,  was  not  a  pleasant  prospect  in  con- 
trast to  the  queenhood  for  which  an  American 
woman  is  honored. 

Could  it  be  possible  that  in  a  few  short  hours  I 
had  fallen  from  a  high,  white  pedestal  to  such  low, 
dark  depths  as  to  sit  brooding  over  how  far  a  young 
woman's  fortune  might  be  cast  with  a  married  man, 

20 1 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

when  she  professed  such  a  stoic  indifference  towards 
all  the  free  men  who  plead  with  her  to  share  their 
"  world-goods  "  ? 

What  a  farce  it  was, —  the  wife  of  this  Russian 
probably  wondered  what  the  women  could  see  in  him 
to  admire. 

Like  a  bright  spot  that  hypnotizes  one,  so  the 
thought  of  Michaelovitch  Romanoff  led  me  into  a 
drowsy  revery  as  I  sat  before  the  snapping  wood  fire 
that  vied  in  its  brightness  with  the  skurrying  snow- 
flakes  softly  falling  outside  in  fluffy  piles  on  the  hard 
lines  of  the  city's  ugliness.  The  air  became  gradually 
tinkling  with  sleigh-bells;  then  a  particularly  musical 
set  of  chimes  caught  my  ear  and  as  they  suddenly 
ceased  ringing,  I  peeked  behind  the  blinds  and  saw 
that  a  Russian  sleigh  had  stopped  before  the  house 
and  a  man  muffled  in  sables  was  alighting.  He  came 
up  the  steps ;  there  was  no  mistaking  his  manner.  He 
was  ushered  into  the  room  before  I  had  gained  my 
poise,  which  the  astonishment  at  the  boldness  on  his 
part  had  shattered.  I  could  not  escape,  because  his 
strange  charm  held  me  in  a  fascination,  which  he 
could  not  help  but  recognize. 

"  You  surprise  us  with  your  sudden  appearances," 
I  stammered. 

"  Yes,"  he  said,  "  ostensibly  business  that  Russia  is 
negotiating  with  America  brought  me  over,  but 
primarily  the  desire  to  see  you  is  the  real  reason  of 

202 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

this  visit,  over  which  you  do  not  seem  to  be  rejoiced, 
—  you  have  not  even  offered  me  a  welcome." 

He  reached  out  his  jewelled,  white  hands  that  took 
both  mine  in  their  soft  clasp  as  he  kissed  them  gently. 

"  How  have  I  dreamed  of  you,  thought  of  you  day 
and  night,  wished  to,  oh,  longed  so  much  to  see  you, 
to  touch  your  fingers  as  now,  to  look  into  the  soul 
beyond  the  blue  veil  of  your  lovely  eyes;  I  have  daily 
offered  up  two  prayers  to  the  Icon  for  you,  my  white 
flower,  my  diamond  in  the  snow.  I  would  like  to  frost 
you  in  diamonds  but  they  are  not  worthy  of  you." 
'  He  dropped  on  both  knees,  in  the  Russian  attitude 
of  prayer,  and  devoutly  kissed  the  toe  of  my  white 
slipper.  A  tyrant  is  always  servile. 

Turning  to  the  fire,  my  hands  clasped  tightly  as  a 
help  to  composure,  I  said,  in  a  voice  so  low  that  he 
was  obliged  to  come  nearer  me  to  hear :  "  This  is  ex- 
aggerated pretense  of  a  devotion  that  you  must  know 
is  not  flattering  to  me,"  and  I  turned  quickly  to  face 
him.  "  You  must  have  known  that  when  I  dismissed 
you  in  Paris.  You  must  have  had  sense  enough  to 
realize  the  truth  about  me, —  that  I  did  not  expect 
you  to  make  another  attempt  to  insult  me,  especially 
to  come  to  my  own  home  to  make  me  feel  again  all 
that  it  has  indeed  been  difficult  to  forget." 

He  stood  so  close  now  that  his  breath,  in  quick, 
hot  gasps,  floated  through  my  hair.  But,  while  afraid 
to  look  at  him,  the  old  familiar  magnetism  of  his 

203 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

presence  was  the  same  unchanged  thing,  that  gave 
me  such  horror  of  him. 

"  There  can  be  no  pleasure  to  me  in  seeing  you 
again.  Why  do  you  desire  to  come  to  me  ? "  A 
sigh  escaped  me,  and  I  had  flung  my  hands  out  in  a 
wild  gesture  inclusively  meant  for  many  things. 

He  threw  off  his  self-contained  manner  as  he  ex- 
citedly walked  away  from  me,  saying — "The  reason 
that  you  gave  in  Paris  for  not  seeing  me,  that  is  my 
wife  —  my  wife  died  more  than  a  year  ago.  Now 
I  am  alone,  and  lonely.  Your  pride  would  melt,  you 
would  repulse  me  no  longer  if  you  knew  what  you 
could  be  to  me,  how  much  you  could  do  for  me ;  come, 
let  us  be  friends.  You  have  lovely,  soothing  ways, 
it  is  not  kind  of  you  to  turn  away  and  be  cross  only 
to  me.  To  leave  the  noise  of  the  horrid  world  and 
come  here  in  this  quiet,  cosy  way  is  Paradise  to  me. 
In  traveling  over  every  land  of  the  globe  I  have 
found  no  woman  who  has  been  able  to  obliterate  your 
face  from  my  mind.  The  sound  of  your  voice  thrills 
me  as  no  other  can,  I  long  for  you,  I  must  be  near 
you,  so  do  not  resist  me,  for  nobody  can  in  the  end." 

This  sounded  so  familiarly  like  the  others  it 
brought  me  to  common  earth  with  much  relief.  I 
turned  away  from  gazing  into  the  fire  and  sat  down 
in  a  large  red  chair.  Beware  of  a  boast,  jest,  or 
touch  word.  We  laughed  now  with  each  other. 

This  was  the  beginning  of  a  three  months'  campaign. 
204 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

It  was  a  tug  of  war,  my  will  against  his,  but  his 
flattery  mastered  my  pride,  which  was  the  first  rail  off 
the  barrier  I  had  intended,  as  it  is  off  every  barrier 
with  which  any  woman  surrounds  herself. 

From  the  first  the  Russian  asserted  in  foreign 
fashion  his  wish  to  marry  me.  The  rounded  philoso- 
phy born  of  a  lost  hope  had  long  since  decided  me 
that  marriage  alone  could  dignify  a  career  to  any 
woman,  whatever  her  ambition. 

The  vast  wealth  of  Michaelovitch  Romanoff  would 
enable  us  to  live  apart  much  of  the  time,  as  we  would 
travel,  or  perhaps,  in  some  happy  event  of  the  future, 
all  in  good  time,  a  young  man  would  fall  in  love  with 
me,  and  my  liege  lord,  now  fast  approaching  his  al- 
lotted time  for  life,  would  die.  The  coach  would 
ride  easy  if  it  was  gilded.  Every  fibre  of  my  body 
lusted  for  luxury,  beautiful  objects  to  look  at,  the 
high  preferments  of  society,  distinction;  all  the  en- 
viable qualities  that  go  to  make  up  existence  should 
be  mine  with  one  word,  which  many  a  girl,  I  was  sure, 
of  my  acquaintance  would  never  hesitate  to  accept. 

An  eidolon  wafted  into  view,  the  image  of  hap- 
piness decked  in  bridal  veil,  a  Danae,  all  in  one.  The 
heavy  feet  and  sultry  hearts  of  those  wedded  ones 
on  my  calling  list  did  not  appear  to  warn  me. 

"  Curse  not  the  king,  no  not  in  thy  thought,  and 
curse  not  the  rich,  in  thy  bedchamber,  for  a  bird  of 
the  air  shall  carry  the  voice,  and  that  which  hath 

205 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

wings  shall  tell  the  matter,"  was  a  verse  of  Eccle- 
siastes  that  came  to  my  mind.  Hypnotic  influences 
are  ever  about  us, —  he  might  read  my  thoughts,  for  he 
was  capable  of  it. 

My  yellow  gown  was  becoming.  It  hung  to  me  as 
the  peplum  to  a  winged  siren  of  the  Podium,  and 
had  its  effect  one  particular  evening  when,  in  the  rosy 
light  of  the  drawing-room  he  almost  convinced  me 
that  it  would  not  be  so  colossal  a  task  to  learn  to 
more  than  tolerate  him,  especially  with  the  passing 
of  years,  for  in  the  connubial  state  few  dared  to  ex- 
pect much  more  than  a  gilded  happiness  of  short  dura- 
tion. 

Perhaps  the  only  thing  left  for  me  would  be  to 
worship  this  God  Mammon,  for  the  inexcusable  thing 
in  anybody  is  to  be  poor. 

I  thought  of  other  instances  resembling  mine. 
There  was  Emma  Hathnaite,  nearly  forty  years  old, 
without  a  redeeming  grace  in  the  world,  who  talked 
of  marrying  for  money  with  all  the  aplomb  of  a 
spoiled  beauty  —  as  if  her  empty  life  could  be  satis- 
fied with  it.  "  Think  of  it,"  she  had  raved  about  a 
man  whom  she  had  recently  met,  "  if  I  marry  him 
I  will  have  the  swellest  turn-outs.  He  has  only  been 
a  widower  three  months,  but  he  needs  a  companion 
all  the  more  because  he  is  lame,  and  not  in  the  best 
of  health.  His  house  has  thirty  rooms  and  I  shall 
be  mistress  of  it  all.  I  shall  do  it  all  over  and  shall 

206 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

have  the  billiard  room  on  the  first  floor,  and  put  all 
those  portraits  of  his  wife  and  family  upstairs  in 
the  top  hall." 

"  Do  you  care  for  him  at  all?"  I  ventured  on  the 
strength  of  our  old  acquaintance,  to  ask. 

"  You  know  perfectly  that  no  one  is  happily  mar- 
ried. The  very  fact  that  you  are  bound  together  by 
accepting  a  law  is  enough  to  obliterate  every  idea  of 
happiness.  No!  women  at  my  age  do  not  romance 
about  so  matter  of  fact  a  concern  as  marriage.  You 
know  my  time  will  be  taken  up  with  all  sorts  of 
things,  and  as  he  is  a  club  man,  in  for  all  sorts  of 
pastimes  that  I  cannot  take  part  in,  we  shall  get  on 
famously.  Of  course,  we  shall  have  separate  rooms, 
so  that  I  shall  not  be  disturbed  by  his  bad  temper  or 
importunities  when  he  comes  in  late  from  the  club." 

Emma  was  a  society  girl,  trained  from  the  root. 
She  was  respected  .in  the  "  best  society,"  voiced  the 
creed  that  had  been  dinned  into  her  ears  from  child- 
hood, so  it  was  no  discredit  that  she  counted  as  life 
itself  a  thirty  room  house  with  a  well  filled  stable  at- 
tached. She  saw  no  need  for  pity  that  what  her 
heart  and  soul  demanded  turned  from  her  at  the  altar 
which  was  devoted  to  the  only  God  that  the  world, 
the  flesh  and  the  Devil  knew  —  Mammon.  Pshaw ! 
What  was  the  use,  the  whole  mighty  world  to  a  man 
could  not  be  mistaken! 

At  last  I  was  the  affianced  wife  of  Michaelovitch 
207 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

Romanoff.  I  no  longer  was  disturbed  by  the  doubts 
or  trembling  fears  that  had  assailed  my  calm  dis- 
possessed soul  so  many  eons  ago,  when  I  had  crouched 
at  the  feet  of  a  lover  whose  manliness  never  had  cast 
a  shadow  upon  my  better  self.  The  one  remaining 
untried  thing  in  a  woman's  gamut  of  experience  now 
appeared  to  be  marriage. 

There  is  no  ennui  so  terrible  as  pink  teas,  club 
meetings,  a  constant  round  of  dressing  and  useless 
nothingness.  All  this  boredom  I  would  escape.  I 
longed  for  the  wider  fields  that  this  marriage  with 
a  famous  diplomat  would  open  to  me,  a  new  world 
with  such  things  only  as  my  desire  should  manufac- 
ture. 

Then,  to  make  for  oneself  a  home.  Ah,  that  of  it- 
self would  compensate  for  any  suffering.  The  new 
interest  of  a  household ;  maybe  the  sweet  ennobling  in- 
fluence of  a  child  would  come  to  possibly  change  this 
commonplace- world-fatigue  and  nauseating  idea  of 
social  success  into  a  sense  of  one's  realness  and  one- 
ness with  God. 

Irrespective  of  the  man,  my  own  varied  resources 
would  make  me  independent  of  all  other  needs,  if  fate 
should  thrust  me  back  upon  them. 

From  the  first  moment  my  father  met  this  man  he 
indubitably  took  a  strong  dislike  to  one  whom,  per- 
haps, he  recognized  as  a  probable  contestant  for  my 
hand  not  likely  to  be  easily  refused. 

208 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

My  father's  attitude  toward  me  was  marked  by  a 
passionate,  jealous  love  unusual  in  a  parent,  and  when 
one  morning  he  heard  the  truth  about  my  decision 
in  my  faint,  faltering  words,  he  made  every  effort 
to  change  my  mind,  but  to  his  great  regret,  all  his 
efforts  were  unavailing.  His  face,  usually  florid, 
went  white  to  the  very  lips  as  he  asked  in  harsh, 
constrained  tones,  "  When  is  he  to  see  you  again  ?  " 

To  my  reply  that  Michaelovitch  was  to  be  with 
me  that  morning  to  arrange  a  few  details  for  our 
wedding,  my  father  hoarsely  said :  "  Very  well,  I  will 
be  here."  Then  he  fastened  his  driving  gloves  and 
slammed  the  hall  door. 

Dreading  the  outcome,  but  not  daring  to  interfere, 
I  waited.  My  father  came  home  from  his  busi- 
ness to  the  minute  of  the  hour  appointed  for  the 
meeting. 

After  the  usual  preliminary  of  a  greeting,  my  fiance 
was  not  dull  in  guessing  that  the  storm  clouds  hover- 
ing over  his  head  at  this  moment  were  not  all  silver 
lined,  as  my  father  had  said :  "  You  have  been  talking 
of  marrying  my  daughter  for  three  months,  Baron, 
though  you  have  not  yet  asked  my  consent,  but  if  you 
ever  do,  prepare  to  be  refused.  Kate  cannot  possibly 
be  happy  with  such  a  man  as  you,  for  I  know  you  will 
ruin  her  life.  It  is  not  your  intention  so  to  do,  but 
a  man  with  a  low-down,  sneaking  character,  such  as 
yours,  could  not  make  any  woman  happy,  let  alone  the 

209 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

silly  idealistic  sort  my  daughter  is,  who  knows  noth- 
ing of  the  real  nature  of  the  world.  I  want  to  say  to 
you  that  I  want  you  to  get  out  of  my  house  and  never 
come  into  it  again,  by  God." 

Seeing  the  look  of  anger  on  my  father's  face  I  knew 
this  was  the  beginning  of  a  dreadful  scene  that  I  dared 
not  witness,  so,  running  up  to  my  room,  and  closing 
the  door,  I  heard  nothing  except  as  one  hears  distant 
thunder  in  a  storm-cellar.  The  fact  that  my  father 
was  loudly  uttering  his  anathemas  at  the  man  who 
had  struck  home  at  his  future  happiness,  'rather  flat- 
tered me. 

It  was  of  no  avail.  Opposition  is  the  screw  that 
fixes  a  resolve  definitely,  in  some  minds  prone  by 
nature  to  obstinacy. 

Now,  more  than  ever,  Michaelovitch  urged  a  hasty 
marriage,  to  be  as  simple  as  possible,  and,  dominated 
from  the  first  by  his  will,  there  was  no  question  but 
to  accede. 

When  I  told  my  father  the  date  we  had  decided  for 
our  wedding,  his  pallor  frightened  me.  He  looked  at 
me  with  a  vacant,  helpless  stare  that  was  reproach 
enough  to  my  poor,  weak  conscience.  I  was  a  primer 
to  his  accustomed  eyes,  for  while  the  lover  may  be 
blind,  the  love  of  a  parent  is  all-seeing. 

"  Sis,  I  had  planned  to  go  South  about  the  time  you 
intend  to  be  married,"  he  said  in  a  strangely  soft  voice. 
"  We  have  shared  each  other's  joys  and  sorrows  for 

210 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

many  years,  but  in  this  we  will  —  have  —  to  — "  he 
played  with  his  glove,  unable  to  say  more. 

"  Papa,  you  must  come  to  my  — "  we  could  not 
talk  of  it  together.  Neither  of  us  could  endure  the 
thought  of  this  bitterest  of  all  separations. 

The  remembrance  of  that  other  morning  came  to 
both  of  us  when,  with  a  sadness  as  keen  but  quite  dif- 
ferent from  this,  he  had  raised  his  voice  in  anger, 
when  I  protested  against  marrying,  and  had  said, 
"  You  must  marry,  there  is  no  reason  why  you  should 
not.  After  all  the  publicity  of  your  engagement  your 
purity  will  be  dragged  in  the  mud."  Those  words 
were  cameo  cut  in  the  hard  rock  of  a  heart  fossilized 
in  the  stormy  waters  of  bitter  experience. 

My  father  decided  to  go  South  two  weeks  before 
my  wedding,  which  was  set  for  Wednesday,  the  thir- 
teenth of  April. 

The  Sunday  before,  my  fiance  and  I  drove  together 
in  the  park,  when  he  asked  me  if  I  would  sign  a  con- 
tract with  him,  as  it  was  the  custom  in  his  country  to 
do,  saying  that  it  would  prevent  all  trouble,  or  quar- 
reling, in  case  that  he  should  die  before  me. 

Generous  souls  are  defective  in  business  faculty. 
My  whole  training  had  been  not  to  give  away  what 
I  had  not,  not  to  want  what  did  not  belong  to  me. 
Never  having  heard  anything  about  business,  or  talked 
of  money,  our  family  was  peculiarly  exempt  from 
any  of  the  cares  that  most  women  worry  about  at  an 

211 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

early  age;  the  people  who  strain  every  nerve  to  make 
an  appearance,  whose  lives  are  spent  in  the  accumu- 
lation of  money,  and  whose  hearts  are  full  of  envy, 
while  their  pockets  are  empty,  the  values  that  are 
known  in  the  markets,  were  not  intelligible  to  me. 

It  seemed  to  me  that  a  woman's  standard  of  values 
must  be  entirely  on  the  esthetic  and  moral  side.  That 
upon  men  alone  devolved  the  duty  of  discussing  busi- 
ness or  any  of  its  details.  My  wants  had  been  neither 
extravagant  nor  many,  never  beyond  the  needs  of  the 
present  moment,  and  my  bills  had  been  paid  without 
a  murmur.  Money  was  almost  an  unknown  quantity 
to  me.  Now  that  the  time  came  to  talk  about  it  I 
dismissed  it  entirely  from  my  care  to  the  hands  of 
the  man  to  whom,  it  seemed  to  me,  my  interests 
ought  to  be  paramount  to  any  other  consideration,  just 
as  it  was  my  duty  to  give  to  him  the  fragrance  of 
my  past,  the  hope  of  all  my  future,  and  all  that  I  ever 
was  or  expected  to  be. 

On  returning  from  this  ride  with  its  loveless  con- 
versation, Romanoff  left  me  with  my  promise  to  do 
whatever  he  should  ask  of  me.  I  would  await  his 
coming  to  that  end  Monday  evening,  when  he  would 
bring  the  contract  for  me  to  look  over.  This  he 
admonished  me,  was  not  to  be  mentioned  to  any- 
one. 

Our  approaching  marriage  was  whispered  about 
and  talked  of  in  the  way  that  one  makes  conjectures 

212 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

about  the  weather  for  to-morrow,  or  the  probable  fate 
of  a  throne  without  an  heir.  The  more  my  father 
and  mother  made  a  doubtful  question  of  it  the  more 
my  heart  tried  to  dull  itself  to  the  sensation  of  giving 
this  most  poignant  grief  to  two  people  whom  no  one 
could  convince  me  would  ever  be  replaced  in  my 
affections. 

One  day  my  little  mother,  who  always  tried  to  hedge 
on  the  right  side,  that  is,  on  the  side  that  conformed 
most  to  the  wishes  of  those  she  loved,  even  in  their 
contrariness,  said  to  me  as  we  sat  together  in  the  liv- 
ing room :  "  You  do  not  seem  to  be  like  most  women, 
determined  to  marry  only  the  man  you  love.  Per- 
haps you  have  arrived  at  an  age  when  a  woman  ought 
to  establish  herself,  but  every  time  you  go  out  with 
the  Baron,"  she  continued,  trying  hard  not  to  cry, 
"you  become  so  hysterical,  so  bitter  —  do  you  not 
remember  how  several  times  you  have  flung  yourself 
on  the  bed  in  a  paroxysm  of  agony?  Why  do  you 
feel  like  this?  Why  should  you  marry  a  man  whom 
you  do  not  love?  Kate,  dear,  do  you  love  him,  or 
has  his  brilliant  position,  all  the  things  it  is  possible 
for  him  to  give  you,  anything  to  do  with  this?  If 
you  do  love  him,  my  dear  child,  no  one  shall  ever 
say  I  had  any  idea  of  opposing  your  marriage. 

"  At  eighteen  you  were  too  young  to  marry,  but  tell 
me  frankly,  whether  I  ever  really  said  you  should  not," 
and  the  tears  rained  down  her  pathetic  face  while  her 

213 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

great   Madonna   eyes   looked   into  mine   full   of  the 
purity  of  love's  self-sacrifice. 

"  A  brother  of  mine  ruined  my  sister's  life  by  refus- 
ing consent  to  her  marriage  to  the  one  man  whom  she 
loved,  inducing  her  to  marry  another  man  entirely 
unlike  the  man  she  would  want  for  a  husband.  The 
man  she  loved  and  herself  had  been  children  together 
—  he  returned  her  love  in  full,  their  very  beings  were 
united,  but  her  body  and  duty  were  bound  by  law  to 
another. 

"  Oh,  dear  child  —  don't,  please  —  please  — " 

As  a  river,  ice-bound,  will  suddenly  be  loosened 
from  its  prison  by  the  rays  of  the  sun,  so  my  mother 
burst  into  a  torrent  of  tears  and  a  passion  so  unusual 
to  her  that  I  knew  unless  I  went  away  it  would  com- 
pletely upset  my  self-control,  so  going  to  my  room  I 
tried  to  determine  for  myself.  The  effort  resulted 
in  a  vague  listlessness  which  turned  to  annoyance  as 
my  mother,  after  an  hour  or  two,  opened  my  bed- 
room door:  "Kate?" 

"  No,  mother,  do  not  commence,  I  must  be  calm, 
it's  the  only  way.  It  seems  like  a  fate.  I  do  not  want 
to  marry  him,  it  is  all  a  mistake,  but  there  is  no  other 
way;  he  is  determined.  Do  not  feel  so  dreadful  about 
it.  It  must  be.  I  shall  escape  other  annoyances,  and 
women  learn  to  control  their  husbands.  What  is  there 
about  this  marriage  that  is  so  alarming?  Why  — 
irresistibly  I  snatched  her  small,  frail  body  to  me  — 

214 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

"  if  only  we  need  never  part.  We  act  as  if  we  were 
to  be  tried  for  our  lives ;  but  a  wedding,  Mamma,  think 
of  that!  Most  mothers  lie  awake  nights  worrying  to 
find  some  way  to  get  their  daughters  married.  Then 
the  new  life  —  the  new  dignity,  all  the  best  things  in 
the  world  ought  to  belong  to  a  married  woman !  " 

"  But,  do  you  think  that  an  American  girl  could 
possibly  be  happy  with  a  foreigner?  Think  of  the 
difference  in  our  codes  and  views  of  life,  think  of 
their  breeding;  you  were  always  good  to  me,  Kate, 
and  I  can't  bear  to  see  you  unhappy." 

"  There,  there,"  and  comforting  her  like  a  child  I 
wiped  away  her  tears.  The  dearest  mother's  face  in 
the  world  I  told  her,  that  no  Raphael  could  ever  re- 
produce. "  No,  Mamma,  it's  not  the  fashion  nowa- 
days to  wear  your  heart  out  for  anything,  or  let  the 
cankerworm  of  sorrow  destroy  one  vestige  of  your 
freshness  or  beauty,  especially  when  it  is  as  rare  and 
perfect  as  yours." 

Partly  to  escape  this  flattery  my  mother  smiled  as 
she  said :  "  I  will  go  downstairs  now  to  meet  the 
Baron,  he  will  soon  be  here,  do  you  care  if  I  speak 
with  him?  " 

"  No,  dearie,"  I  replied,  trying  hard  to  give  as 
cheerful  an  impression  as  possible,  "  only  do  not  make 
your  parley  too  long-winded  a  performance,  for  what- 
ever he  has  a  mind  to  do  that  he  will  do;  you,  nor 
anyone,  cannot  move  him  —  besides,  let  it  alone ;  what 

215 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 
i 

is  the  use?  We  cannot  all  be  utterly  oblivious  of 
our  religious  duty  to  be  respectably  unhappy  now  and 
then ;  don't  you  know  that  nothing  shows  the  inequal- 
ity of  the  unchristianized  so  unmistakably  as  to  be 
happy?  " 

All  this  time  I  had  been  arranging  my  hair,  and 
putting  on  extra  touches  to  my  toilet,  but  when  I 
had  finished  I  cried,  in  a  change  of  mind :  "  No,  no, 
get  you  to  a  nunnery  if  you  talk  of  happiness,  woman," 
and  with  theatrical*  tone  and  gesture  I  stood  before 
her  bravely  defying  her  searching  glance. 

She  turned,  and  the  rapid,  light  step  of  her  little 
feet  died  away  as  she  went  down  to  confer  with  the 
object  of  our  combat,  who  had  arrived,  as  we  knew 
by  the  heavy  masculine  voice  heard  in  the  hallway. 

Taking  time  to  recover  from  my  recent  emotion  I 
calmly  descended  the  stairs  about  the  moment  my 
mother's  conference  was  at  an  end,  for  I  hesitated  on 
the  threshold  as  I  heard  her  talking  to  the  Baron, 
whose  back  was  toward  me,  but  he  felt  my  presence, 
for  he  turned  round  as  one  who  takes  no  part  in  a  con- 
versation but  politely  attends  to  the  finish. 

"  Come  in,"  he  said,  rising  from  his  seat.  He  came 
to  me,  kissed  both  my  hands,  and  we  sat  down 
together.  Little  mother  looked  at  both  of  us.  If 
she  had  it  all  to  settle  as  she  wanted  it  how  smoothly 
our  toy  train  of  cars  would  run  on  its  railroad  of 
love;  but  she  sat  on  her  chair  as  before  an  inquisi- 

216 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

tion,  timid  as  a  mouse  to  wound,  yet  brave  as  a  lion 
to  defend.  She  was  torn  between  these  two  ideas, 
as  if  by  some  magic  touch  of  love  that  knew  no  bounds 
she  wanted  to  set  going  the  right  machinery  without 
knowing  exactly  what  to  say. 

"  Baron,  do  you  believe  sincerely  that  you  can  make 
her  happy?  She  is  our  only  daughter,  you  cannot 
know  what  it  means  for  us  to  lose  her,  or  to  feel  that 
she  would  not  be  happy ;  for  her  disposition  is  glad  and 
sunny,  she  has  never  given  us  one  unkind  word.  We 
•have  been  an  unusually  devoted  family,  our  happiness 
has  been  one,  and  it  seems  impossible  to  realize  that 
we  can  ever  be  separated." 

"  Do  not  say  that,  dear  Madame,  you  and  your 
daughter  will  see  much  of  each  other." 

"  Oh,  yes,  perhaps,  but  a  woman's  life  is  quite  dif- 
ferent when,  like  a  flower,  she  is  transplanted  to  other 
environment  from  that  to  which  she  is  accustomed; 
to  a  strange  people  and  habits;  perhaps  difficulties 
beyond  her  power  of  solving,  and  you  travel  so  much 
that  her  home  life  will  be  changed  with,  perhaps,  a 
bad  effect.  May  I  ask  why  you  are  so  determined 
to  marry  her?  " 

The  naivete  of  the  question  rather  amused  him,  as 
he  smiled  quietly  and  adjusted  himself  to  a  more  com- 
fortable position.  "  Can  you  ask  so  very  apparent  a 
question,  Madame?  It  seems  difficult  to  me  to  find 
reasons  why  I  should  not  marry  her." 

217 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

Awed  by  this  diplomacy,  my  mother  hesitated, 
clasping  her  hands  tightly  in  her  lap.  In  a  bout  of 
words  with  a  man  whose  measure  was  Machiavelian 
my  little  mother  would  be  sadly  checkmated. 

Nervously  I  walked  to  the  window.  The  great  out- 
doors !  It  was  always  a  relief  for  me  to  see  it.  Na- 
ture is  such  a  great  comfort  to  those  who  seek  her. 

"  Well,  then,"  said  little  mother  as  she  reluctantly 
rose  and  offered  her  hand,  "  as  you  and  Kate  wish  to 
see  each  other,  if  you  will  excuse  me,  I  will  go.  We 
are  so  miserable  with  Kate  away  from  us  even  for 
a  week  or  two  that  you  may  understand,  but  —  au 
revoir." 

"  Rest  assured  she  will  be  in  safe  keeping." 

Little  mother  quickly  left  the  room. 

Of  one  thing  there  seemed  to  be  sufficient  proof, 
that  was,  that  in  whatever  he  undertook  he  would  get 
the  best  of  the  bargain.  His  marriage  would  be  no 
exception.  I  had  looked  to  nature,  she  told  me  that 
the  plumb  line  he  had  thrown  would  sink  deeper,  and 
ever  deeper. 

He  came  and  put  his  arm  about  me. — "  Your  mother 
is  childishly  frank.  She  told  me  she  did  not  believe 
international  marriages  could  ever  be  happy  because 
she  had  never  heard  of  such  a  result  —  that  we  are 
an  immoral  people,  with  entirely  different  codes  from 
Americans;  that  our  women  are  bound  by  different 
social  customs,  and  that  when  a  nation  accumulates 

218 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

wealth  a  leisure  class  of  men  crop  up  to  aid  in  the 
moral  ruin ;  that  a  golden  age  always  brings  to  a 
country  its  downfall  and  that  honest  integrity  is  asso- 
ciated only  with  the  poorer  classes.  Ah!  It  is 
strange." 


219 


CHAPTER   XXII 

Brave  as  a  falcon,  and  as  merciless, 

With  bright  eyes  watching  still  the  world  they  prey, 

I  saw  thee  pass  in  thy  lone  majesty. 

******* 

Lo,  thou  art  captured,  in  my  hand  to-day 
I  hold  thee,  and  while  thou  deignest  to  be 
Pleased  with  my  jesses,  I  would  fain  beguile 
My  foolish  heart  to  think  thou  lovest  me,  see, 
I  dare  not  love  thee  quite." 


f  I  ^HE  house  was  still  as  death,  not  a  sound  could 
•*•  be  heard.  A  dim  light  from  the  lamp  on  the 
library  table  was  a  wise  provision  in  case  of  any  emo- 
tion that  was  best  to  be  carefully  concealed,  for  there 
was  no  exact  premonition  of  anything  foreboding,  I 
tried  to  convince  myself.  The  meeting  arranged  for 
to-night  was  to  be  merely  for  commercial  purposes, 
that  was  enough  to  quell  any  romantic  ardor,  if  any 
happened  to  be  left  over  from  the  experiences  of  the 
past  three  months. 

The  slow,  heavy  step  of  my  aged  lover  was  heard 
on  the  porch.  As  the  hour  was  very  late,  I  hurried  to 
open  the  front  door  for  him  myself. 

220 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

His  air  was  coldly  formal,  with  unkind  brevity,  or 
rather,  a  disregard  of  any  light  pleasantry,  in  his 
greeting.  He  entered  the  room  with  an  air  of  one 
about  to  transact  business,  and  sat  down  in  the  large 
armchair  that  he  usually  chose,  then  slowly  took  out 
of  his  pocket  a  large  paper  folded  as  a  legal  document, 
the  first  I  had  ever  seen. 

"  Will  you  kindly  read  this?  " 

The  paper  was  typewritten,  and  headed  by  three 
words  apt  to  have  a  fatal  import  upon  two  people  at 
least:  Anti-Nuptial  Contract.  My  eyes  were  riveted 
to  the  long  thin  sheets  of  paper,  to  the  last  word. 

It  did  not  take  much  time  to  read  it,  but,  oh,  the 
shame  of  it.  I  stood  before  the  table,  facing  him,  but 
I  saw  nothing  around  me.  My  eyes  saw  far,  far  into 
the  future,  far  back  into  the  past,  they  traveled  round 
the  world.  They  saw  the  starving,  hungering  wretches 
being  lashed  under  the  knot  as  they  dragged  their 
weary,  leaden  feet  to  do  the  bidding  of  the  slave 
drivers  who  tortured  them.  The  unfreed  black  welter- 
ing in  the  cruel  stripes  that  had  just  been  inflicted 
looked  into  my  eyes  with  a  pleading  most  pitiful.  Tor- 
tured, caged  animals  silently  preached  their  distress  to 
me  by  the  appeal  of  their  eyes ;  dumb  suffering  cried  to 
me  across  the  barren  space  between  this  document  and 
past  liberty. 

This  man's  heart  showed  him  to  be  the  slayer  of 
virtue,  the  despiser  of  God,  and  the  fear  of  all  who 

221 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

knew  him.  Did  he  have  an  object  beyond  my  ken, 
hidden  by  a  not  yet  discovered  generosity,  in  drawing 
up  such  a  paper  as  this? 

In  order  not  to  openly  scorn  him  now,  to  point  my 
finger  in  disgust  to  the  door  and  tell  him  that  he  might 
go  and  never  return,  I  held  tightly  to  the  table  to 
steady  my  swaying  body,  for  two  days  afterwards  we 
were  to  be  married.  What  respect,  or  position  could 
I  ever  again  hold  with  such  a  reproach!  The  past, 
and  this  fact  held  me  with  a  chain  of  iron  to  this, 
this —  ah! 

As  if  in  pain  I  clasped  my  hands  behind  my  head 
to  think  of  the  thousand  things  that  made  my  heart 
throb  with  newly  aroused  contempt,  and  lighted  a 
hatred  that  —  bah! 

I  was  very  tired,  exhausted  by  the  emotions  of  the 
last  few  days,  and  sank  into  a  chair  standing  beside 
the  table.  We  gazed  at  each  other  —  I  leaned  on  the 
table  and  looked  across  at  him  and  into  his  face  to 
see  what  I  could  see.  He  had  once  spoken  of  the 
fear  he  had  of  being  married  for  his  money.  Was 
he  disguising  some  real  intention  ?  Would  time  show 
that  he  had  —  oh,  no,  he  surely  was  better  than  this 
would  indicate. 

There  was  no  other  way  than  to  sign  it  now,  of 
course.  To  refuse  to  put  my  seal  to  whatever  was 
given  me  by  this  man  to  whom  I  had  promised  to  give 
myself,  whom  I  had  promised  to  marry,  would  it  not 

222 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

be  as  a  sale,  in  fact,  if  I  should,  as  it  were,  put  up  the 
price?  To  haggle  or  barter  thus  at  such  a  time 
stunned  every  vestige  of  what  I  then  considered  the 
sacredness  of  marriage.  The  whole  structure  I  had 
so  carefully  built  up  about  myself  seemed  to  come 
toppling  down  about  me  to  shriek  in  my  ears  what  no 
one  ever  before  would  dare  to  whisper.  Suddenly  I 
seemed  to  become  a  fiend,  a  cheat,  the  man  had  now 
become  loathsome  to  me  and  I  longed  to  break  my 
fetters  and  be  free,  away  from  this  smirch  that  his 
finger  would  put  upon  me  with  the  blackest  ink. 

While  gazing  at  the  lamp,  wholly  absorbed  in  these 
thoughts,  his  heavy  voice  came  as  a  distant  sound, 
with  every  word  distinct  as  a  life  sentence.  Ugh!  I 
shook  myself  together  for  the  ordeal.  The  horrid 
sensation  of  repugnance  was  somewhat  less  poignant. 
The  idea  of  looking  at  him  was  not  a  pleasant  one  but 
my  eyes  sought  his  as  though  a  new  being  had  sud- 
denly appeared  before  me,  and  I  saw  another  Michael- 
ovitch. 

With  great  precision  and  a  modulated  intonation 
he  said :  "  Please  read  the  second  clause  again  care- 
fully." 

His  glittering  eyes  were  taking  in  every  detail  of 
my  innermost  thought;  he  read  the  whole  story.  A 
criminal  on  trial  for  his  life  feels  all  this  that  I  suf- 
fered. Yes,  it  is  just  that  for  every  thought,  good 
or  bad,  we  must  pay  the  penalty.  Judas  paid  with  his 

223 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

life  for  the  word  lightly  uttered,  Ah,  the  thirty  pieces 
of  silver!  But  what  had  Judas  to  do  with  this?  I 
was  no  traitor  —  no,  true  to  myself,  I  would  throw 
out  my  chance,  be  subdued  and  reasonable,  marry 
where  my  heart  should  dictate;  but  all  that  is  out  of 
date,  so  old-fashioned.  No,  to  adjust  unhappy  cir- 
cumstances, to  adapt  ourselves  to  the  inevitable,  seemed 
to  me  to  be  the  words  of  the  second  clause,  but  in- 
stead, its  import  read  that  in  case  of  divorce,  or  sepa- 
ration, he  would  not  be  responsible  for  alimonj  or 
any  settlement  but  a  pittance  of  two  or  three  thou- 
sand dollars. 

An  intuition  that  makes  me  wonder  now,  because 
it  was  so  clear,  read  a  strange  final  judgment  in  the 
case.  In  an  excess  of  jealousy  you  might  do  some- 
thing, or  someone  would  influence  you  against  me  so 
that,  beside  yourself  with  rage,  you  would  send  me 
into  the  streets  penniless. 

"  It  will  stand  as  it  now  is,  however,  for  all  time ; 
neither  the  laws  of  my  church  nor  country  beliere  in 
the  lax  divorce  laws  of  your  beloved  America,  and  as 
I  expect  to  live  in  this  country  the  rest  of  my  days, 
this  paper  was  made  out  to  fit  the  law  of  Chicago, 
as  I  have  taken  up  my  residence  here  for  the  rest  of 
my  life." 

The  mills  of  the  gods  do  grind  finely  as  well  as 
slowly.  So,  the  main  desire  I  had  expected  would 
be  fulfilled  by  this  marriage,  the  one  anchor  weighed 

224 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

in  this  sea  of  trouble,  that  we  would  live  in  great  state 
abroad,  would  not  be  realized,  and  instead  of  it,  we 
would  be  relegated  to  the  dirty  streets  and  bad  climate 
of  a  city  that  I  had  learned  by  long  residence  abroad 
to  abhor. 

Unable  to  look  into  his  calculating  face  another 
moment  I  sank  helplessly  back  into  the  chair,  hiding 
my  face  in  my  arms  in  a  dumb  despair,  too  hurt  to 
cry  out,  or  complain. 

The  next  morning  we  met  in  a  lawyer's  dingy  office 
to  sign  the  contract.  Contract!  the  very  word  made 
me  feel  like  a  mortgage  chattel;  "  the  party  of  the  first 
part,  and  the  party  of  the  second  part,"  were  words 
that  strangely  classified  us  as  the  bargainer  and  the 
bargained  for. 

Perhaps  the  sorrow  that  I  felt  was  owing  to  my  own 
ignorance.  Legal  business  must  necessarily  be  dry,  if 
not  harsh  or  cold-blooded.  The  law  must  be  right, 
if  its  ponderous  importance  did  look  formidable. 

We  sat  down  in  wooden  office  chairs,  the  lawyer 
bristling  with  officious  care  for  our  comfort  when  he 
asked : 

"Do  you  sign  these  papers  of  your  own  accord? 
Do  you  realize  their  import?" 

"  The  Baron  wishes  me  to  sign  them ;  beyond  that 
I  hare  no  voice  in  the  matter,"  I  replied,  with  a  cer- 
tain hauteur,  as  though  anyone  would  question  a  de- 
sire so  simple  as  to  sign  away  every  legal  right  a 

225 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

woman  had  to  the  man  she  was  within  twenty- four 
hours  to  proclaim  to  the  world  as  her  acknowledged 
master. 

An  unaccountable  repugnance  towards  this  man,  so 
soon  to  be  my  husband,  possessed  me  and  lowered  my 
respect  for  him,  a  respect  due  to  his  superior  age  and 
experience,  and  his  great  power.  Many  times  I  had 
agreed  that  it  would  be  just  as  well  to  marry  for 
"  position " ;  now  love  was  consumed  as  completely 
as  smoke  vanishes  into  air.  Why  or  how  I  did  not 
stop  to  consider. 

The  papers  signed,  sealed  and  placed  in  a  strong 
box,  we  left  the  office  and  took  luncheon  together, 
after  which  I  hurried  home  to  occupy  myself  with 
preparations  for  the  coming  event,  that  would  decide 
for  one  woman  which  path  she  would  take,  toward 
Heaven  or  Hell,  when  she  put  on  the  wedding  ring. 

His  last  words  as  we  separated  were,  "If  you 
write  to  your  father  tell  him  I  have  left  your 
fortune  undisturbed,  without  asking  him  to  give  you 
a  penny." 

His  sarcastic  chuckle  as  he  said  this  sent  a  poisoned 
arrow  of  dislike  toward  him  that  I  prayed  might  not 
grow  more  poignant  as  the  years  rolled  over  our 
misery,  for  this  transaction  as  much  as  anything  gave 
me  a  true  insight  into  the  meaning  of  his  life,  entirely 
controlled  by  the  greed  for  money. 

It  was  later  that  he  taught  me  why  a  man  who  loves 
226 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

money  never  loves  anything  else,  and  when  he  offered 
me  the  treasures  and  jewels  from  his  strong  box,  he 
estimated  them  higher  than  any  affection  from  the 
heart. 


227 


CHAPTER    XXIII 

"  The  joy  of  our  hearts  is  ceased,  our  dance  is  turned 
into  mourning.     The  crown  is  fallen  from  our  heads." 


TV/TY  wedding  day  dawned  bright  and  clear.  After 
•*•*•*•  I  had  arranged  the  flowers  and  sat  "  finished  " 
under  the  deft  fingers  of  the  hairdresser  a  telegram 
came  from  my  father,  saying: 

"  Love  and  best  wishes.  Hope  you  will  be  as 
happy  as  you  anticipate." 

The  unexpressed  love,  hidden  in  a  bitter  regret, 
that  this  telegram  meant  to  me  no  one  could  ever 
know.  That  the  only  man  who  ever  had,  or  would 
truly  love  me,  should  go  a  thousand  miles  away  rather 
than  give  me  to  another  aroused  within  me  feelings 
that  I  had  to  choke  down.  The  awful  sight  my 
swollen  face  would  be  in  case  I  let  myself  go  pre- 
vented a  long,  hysterical  cry. 

My  revered  uncle,  who  had  come  from  the  country 
to  perform  the  ceremony,  sat  in  the  den,  while  the 
groom  explained  to  him  the  phrasing  he  wished  for 
the  ceremony.  "  Everything  referring  to  worldly 
goods  must  be  eliminated.  Obedience  and  love  were 

228 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

superfluous,  as  it  would  naturally  be  supposed  that 
the  parties  most  interested  would  attend  to  that,"  he 
had  said. 

The  groom  came,  in  an  old  suit,  without  even  the 
accessory  of  fresh  tie  or  new  shoes.  We  greeted 
each  other  formally,  in  the  den,  before  we  went  down. 
The  few  friends  to  whom  I  had  telephoned  were  be- 
ginning to  arrive.  One  aunt  and  two  cousins  had 
gone  into  the  usual  ecstasy  about  the  beauty  of  the 
bride,  how  composed  her  manner,  how  gorgeous  the 
wedding  gown,  and  adjusted  the  popular  supersti- 
tion of  "  something  new  and  something  old,  some- 
thing blue  and  something  gold."  Then,  spreading 
out  the  lace  train,  they  went  downstairs  to  join  the 
few  invited  guests,  while  the  groom  stood  on  the 
stairs  saying  in  a  loud  voice,  "  Why  doesn't  she 
come  ?  "  Finally  the  "  Lohengrin  Wedding  March  " 
sounded. 

The  stillness  was  something  funereal- — "I  pro- 
nounce you  man  and  wife,"  had  just  been  said.  The 
words  were  quietly  intoned,  but  they  sounded  loud  and 
harsh  to  me.  The  solemn  ceremony  was  over.  Then 
the  congratulations. 

I  had  stepped  out  from  under  the  canopy  of  flow- 
ers, out  into  the  room,  and  away  from  the  side  of 
my  husband.  My  tears  flowed,  my  heart  was  break- 
ing—  the  awful  loneliness  of  a  convicted  man  came 
upon  me. 

229 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

Someone  drew  me  back  to  where  I  should  have  been, 
under  the  flowers  beside  my  husband,  then  someone 
said,  "  Kiss  her,"  and  the  light  touch  of  his  lips 
brushed  my  cheek.  When  I  looked  into  the  impla- 
cable face  of  the  man  I  realized  that  we  were  not 
married  in  the  same  sense  that  two  young  lovers' 
hearts  are  joined,  and  the  words  of  our  ante-nuptial 
contract  rose  up  in  my  mind's  eye  to  explain  many 
things.  Of  course,  we  had  entered  into  a  bargain  — 
on  a  commercial  basis;  "the  same  as  if  sole  and  un- 
married " ;  no  one  asks  that  a  heart  shall  be  put  into 
the  scales  on  such  an  occasion,  that  would  be  too  flat- 
tering. I  did  not  think  to  question  the  real  exchange 
of  values  then ;  —  that  came  later. 

After  the  ordeal  of  the  wedding  breakfast,  when 
we  were  on  our  way  to  the  bank  and  the  lawyer's  office 
to  finish  the  signing  of  more  papers,  I  leaned  over 
and  kissed  him,  more  from  a  sense  of  propriety  than  a 
burning  desire  to  do  so,  for  this  recent  growing  dis- 
like of  him  gave  me  a  peculiar  pang.  "  Don't  make 
an  exhibition  of  yourself  in  public,"  he  said  crossly, 
as  he  pushed  me  away. 

We  were  silent  till  we  reached  the  dingy,  bare  room 
of  the  lawyer's  office,  which  seemed  to  be  an  uncanny 
place  on  that  radiant,  white  day  of  all,  one's  wedding 
day.  A  premonition  began  to  form  in  my  mind  that 
the  dust  of  legal  business  and  prosaic  matter-of-fact 
dealings  would  be  the  trend  of  my  existence  with  this 

230 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

man  whose  eyes  sought  mine  in  a  hypnotic,  steady  gaze 
not  at  all  easy  to  counteract. 

"  Do  you  sign  this  contract  of  your  own  free  will 
and  accord  ? "  asked  the  lawyer,  who  sat  with  his 
back  to  me,  while  my  husband  never  took  his  eyes 
off  mine,  wielding  a  subtle  influence  of  will  over  me 
that  mere  words  could  not  have  done. 

"  I  have  not  refused  my  husband's  wish  in  regard 
to  the  other  papers,  why  should  I  hesitate  now?  " 

"  Because,"  replied  the  lawyer,  "  this  is  the  irrevo- 
cable '  sine  qua  non,'  that  can  never  be  changed  or 
altered.  This  fixes  the  oath  that  you  have  signed 
so  that  every  right  that  you  have  in  the  world  is  taken 
away  from  you.  Here  it  is,"  and  he  handed  me  a 
paper  to  read. 

Except  that  it  contained  details  if  anything  dryer 
and  more  uninteresting  than  the  other  paper,  it  seemed 
to  have  practically  the  same  import  of  leaving  his 
wealth  at  a  very  safe  distance  from  my  hands.  It 
seemed  to  reiterate,  to  never  get  done  with  the  words 
that  should  make  him  free,  and  to  take  away  all  the 
power  that  God  or  man  should  give  to  me  to  obtain 
any  of  his  money.  There  was  a  cruel,  hard  ring 
about  the  thing  that  made  me  cold  and  hot,  that  ex- 
cited a  feeling  of  resentment  nothing  would  ever 
extinguish;  the  cruelty  lay  deeper  than  the  mere  law 
details  of  the  paper.  There  was  an  undercurrent 
mysterious,  awful,  not  for  me  to  then  understand. 

231 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

It  was  as  though  a  thief,  after  he  obtained  all  your 
worldly  goods,  had  throttled  you.  As  though  vulgar, 
dirty  hands  had  been  laid  upon  my  immaculate  holi- 
day attire.  Mentally,  spiritually,  I  felt  tired,  bedrag- 
gled. There  was  less  self-esteem,  but  why?  I 
evidently  could  not  be  the  first  and  only  woman  sold 
and  thrown  on  the  brush  heap.  One  hears  of  young 
women  doing  this  sort  of  thing  every  day,  there  is  no 
law  to  prevent  her.  Of  my  own  "  free  will  and 
accord  " ;  how  could  one  turn  one's  guests  adrift,  make 
a  ghastly  spectacle  of  oneself  the  day  before  marriage 
and  be  a  scandal  for  a  lifetime?  And  why?  Be- 
cause the  price  was  not  high  enough.  We  send  mis- 
sionaries to  put  an  end  to  this  evil  in  a  country  where 
the  women  are  black  in  body  and  are  supposed  to  be 
ignorant,  but  here  no  hand  is  raised  to  save  a  society 
girl  from  herself,  because  she  knows  of  no  salvation. 
She  wears  her  chains  with  a  grin  that  the  world 
flatters  her  into  believing  can  be  mistaken  for  a 
smile. 

There  was  a  species  of  heroism  in  it.  They  should 
see  how  like  an  empress  I  could  sign  away  the  earth, 
if  it  were  mine,  to  this  man  opposite  to  me,  now  my 
husband.  Women  who  marry  American  men  need 
on  their  wedding  day,  only  promise  to  love,  cherish 
and  honor  their  husbands  all  their  lives,  till  death 
should  part  them,  and  the  husbands  make  it  quite 
worth  their  while  to  so  liberally  engage  to  do  their 

232 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

part.  None  of  the  usual  promises  made  at  the  altar, 
that  are  so  carelessly  broken  afterward,  were  made 
by  either  my  husband  or  myself,  and  the  real  truth 
was  beginning  to  dawn  upon  me  that  his  love  was 
in  his  strong  box  in  the  safety  vault.  This  was  the 
first  of  many  unhappy  blows  to  my  self-respect.  For 
the  sake  of  the  theatrical  effect,  I  made  an  effort  to 
show  in  what  liberal  contempt  I  held  all  things  that 
are  not  of  the  heart.  Page  after  page  I  turned  — 
at  last  writing  in  a  large,  bold  hand  the  signature, 
which  reached  so  far  across  the  strip  of  legal  paper 
that  it  looked  very  well,  I  thought. 

"  There,"  said  my  husband  as  the  ink  was  dried 
on  my  last  dot.  "  Please  to  put  that  with  my  will," 
and  he  looked  as  though  greatly  relieved  and  as  if 
a  difficult  task  had  been  safely  and  wisely  accom- 
plished. We  were  bowed  out  with  a  cold  politeness, 
a  manner  that  seemed  to  me  to  ill  accord  with  the 
splendid  thing  I  had  just  done. 

In  the  train  he  left  me  alone  while  he  made  most 
of  the  journey  in  the  smoking-car. 

My  thoughts  would  not  be  controlled  and  the  chains 
began  to  chafe  already.  A  black  slave  in  Abyssinia 
would  be  freer,  maybe  happier,  than  I,  a  blameless 
girl,  happy  as  a  bird,  taken  to  be  put  on  the  gridiron 
in  a  way  peculiarly  known  to  a  miser.  His  nature 
was  made  up  of  a  nepotism  picturesque  in  its  purity 
of  access.  He  did  away  with  any  demonstration  of 

233 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

affection,  or  preliminary  courtesy;  all  gallantry  was 
eliminated  from  his  course  of  conduct;  for  it  was 
natural  for  him  to  believe,  in  his  greed,  that  it  would 
destroy  the  effect  of  his  sordid  compact  if  it  should 
become  apparent  to  me  that  I  was  at  all  necessary  to 
him. 

At  breakfast  the  next  morning,  according  to  a  habit 
from  childhood,  I  ordered  an  orange. 

"  What !  "  he  exclaimed  with  a  wry  face,  "  when 
oranges  are  this  price  and  you  can  buy  half  a  dozen 
for  that  at  the  stand  on  the  corner !  " 

I  drank  my  coffee  without  disputing  his  wish.  Our 
honeymoon  was  a  new  experience  to  me  in  the  way 
of  economy.  My  gourmet  instincts  were  being  lost 
in  the  possibility  of  getting  enough  food  to  satisfy 
hunger  while  he  argued  that  all  the  illness  in  the 
world  could  be  ascribed  to  overeating  and  lack  of 
exercise. 

At  the  rate  we  lived  we  were  prospectively  to  live 
forever,  for,  while  fasting,  we  walked,  walked  to  save 
our  car  fare.  Then,  he  frequently  complained  that 
I  did  not  pet  him  or  love  him,  that  an  old  man  who 
expected  a  young  woman  to  be  a  wife  to  him  was  a 
fool. 

Sight-seeing  was  his  hobby,  and  any  failure  of  mine 
to  be  posted  on  the  history  of  some  monument  or 
building  brought  forth  a  long  diatribe  on  my  stupidity 
and  natural  dullness. 

234 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

One  day  we  started  for  the  golf  club,  but  as  the 
car  we  were  on  went  only  half  way,  and  he  would 
not  pay  another  fare,  we  walked  back  to  the  hotel. 
This  was  one  of  many  such  experiences.  Not  a  word 
spoken  or  a  silence  was  endured;  not  a  dress  that  I 
wore  or  an  action,  or  quality,  or  anything  about  me 
that  was  not  constantly  criticised  in  a  peevish  manner, 
which  at  first  pained  me  beyond  power  of  expression. 
I  was  never  given  a  moment  to  myself  or  voluntarily 
offered  a  cent  of  money  by  him.  That  temperament, 
'not  purse,  makes  happiness,  is  true,  but  to  make  the 
object  of  existence  economy,  is  to  warp  one's  very 
soul.  One  loses  a  great  deal  in  life  by  shutting  one's 
eyes  to  everything  but  money. 

Ill  treatment  suggests  passion  of  some  sort  rebelling 
in  its  dying  struggles. 

Humor  was  entirely  lacking  in  our  intercourse. 
The  light  witticisms  and  airy  nothings  that  made 
others  laugh  put  my  husband  in  a  bad  temper,  and 
instead  of  an  amused  audience  I  had  a  soured  critic. 
He  would  say  that  I  had  no  idea  of  truth,  that  exag- 
geration was  second  nature  to  me;  when  both  sides 
would  open  fire,  and  my  playfulness  nearly  always 
ended  in  hearing  the  old  tune  —  that  I  never  had  any- 
thing until  I  was  married. 

The  folly  and  injustice  of  this  taunt  caused  me  more 
unhappiness  than  anything  when  I  recalled  the  kind 
indulgence  of  my  father.  Besides,  to  one  of  my 

235 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

nature,  this  treatment  could  poison  more  happiness 
than  anything  else,  but  I  was  helpless  against  him. 

The  constant  cry  of  money,  money,  was  beginning 
to  deafen  and  blind  me  to  all  other  things  in  life. 
The  one  thing  that  I  had  been  taught  to  despise  as 
a  vulgar  subject  for  conversation,  and  a  crime  to 
quarrel  about,  much  less  to  gauge  any  action  by. 

The  question  came  to  be  more  where  to  get  the 
small  necessities  that  make  more  for  comfort  than 
the  big  things.  Money  was  the  daily  miracle  and 
my  bete  noire,  the  cause  of  my  constant  despair. 

I  prayed  that  I  might  be  left  some  sentiment  for 
the  fine  things  of  life;  such  as  appreciation  of  the 
beautiful,  a  love  of  poetry  and  enjoyment  of  music; 
sympathy  with  lovers,  cheer  at  the  sight  of  a  rose, 
or  to  be  calmed  by  moonlight  or  aroused  by  passion, 
for  all  these  delights  were  slipping  from  me.  "  Do 
not  give  me  riches,  or  even  let  me  fall  in  lore,  but, 
O  God,  keep  my  heart  fresh,  with  power  left  to  feel. 
Please,  God,  do  not  empty  my  warm,  red  heart  of 
desire,"  was  my  daily  prayer. 

The  society  to  which  I  had  devoted  myself  believed 
it  a  man's  pleasant  duty  to  decorate  the  person  of  his 
wife  with  the  richness  of  the  earth.  It  seems  to  be 
the  primary  law  of  man's  nature  to  emphasize  the 
feminine  weakness  by  crowning  her  with  the  laurels 
won  by  his  strength,  and  while  a  man's  glory  is  a 
reflex  of  his  wife's  purity,  his  main  pride,  if  not  the 

236 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

©bject  of  his  life,  is  that  she  will  be  well  cared  for. 
The  earth,  sea  and  sky  even,  are  searched  for  beauty 
that  shall  be  shaped  for  her  adornment.  Smoothness, 
brilliancy,  fragrance  shall  be  adapted  to  her  pleasure, 
ease  and  luxury.  The  toil  and  sweat  shall  be  counted 
light  if  they  are  but  the  means  to  this  great  end  — 
mainly  that  she  be  satisfied.  Crime  committed,  pas- 
sion suffered,  agonizing  torments  suppressed,  or  the 
long  weary  days  of  thousands  of  slaves,  are  an  easy 
sacrifice  if  that  one  glorified  object  has  been  attained 
•^— the  smile  of  milady's  approval. 

But  this  was  to  me  a  tragedy  less  dreadful  than 
the  fact,  which  grew  hourly  in  importance,  that  this 
man  whom  I  had  married  never  loved  me,  that  he 
never  thanked  me  for  my  devotion  with  even  a  kind 
look,  but  ever  acted  bored  in  my  presence  and  lost  no 
opportunity  of  humiliating  me  in  public,  while  he  per- 
sistently refused  to  go  to  theatre,  balls,  dinners,  or 
even  small  friendly  affairs  among  my  few  intimates, 
who  began  to  gossip  about  his  neglect  of  me. 

If  on  some  rare  occasion  I  was  persuaded  to  go 
out  my  mind  was  continually  worried  about  my 
reception  on  arriving  at  home,  when  it  would  be  nec- 
essary to  startle  him  out  of  a  sleep  in  order  to  enter 
the  house  and  have  his  fierce,  bloodshot  eyes  fastened 
upon  me  while  I  listened  to  his  tirade  of  abusive  lan- 
guage. 

"  I  hare  had  enough  of  this,"  he  would  say.     "  By 

237 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

God,  if  you  want  to  run  about  all  the  time  for  fun, 
you  can  leave  my  house.  You  only  want  me  to  pay 
the  bills  while  you  let  me  get  along  as  well  as  I  can. 
What  are  you  doing  out  all  the  time?  Who  is  so 
interesting  that  you  can  never  find  time  to  be  with 
me?  You  had  better  go  back  home  to  your  father, 
he  knows  how  to  treat  you,  and  would  take  a  club 
to  you,  or  turn  you  out  of  the  house."  At  such  times 
I  would  shut  my  lips  and  struggle  against  the  quarrel 
that  one  word  would  ignite,  as  he  seemed  to  revel 
in  that  pastime. 

That  this  period  of  my  life  was  a  specifically  pre- 
pared punishment  that  retribution  provided  in  payment 
of  the  careless  days  of  my  girlhood  became  a  fixed 
idea,  and  Clifford  was  constantly  flitting  into  the  pic- 
ture of  my  mind's  quiet  moments,  from  which  I  took 
refuge  in  study,  or  riding,  but  it  was  no  good. 
"  Mene,  Mene,  Tekel,  Upharsin."  I  had  married  where 
I  did  not  love,  would  degradation  lower  me  to  the 
pit  where  lawless  love  abides?  My  guardian  Devil 
must  have  laughed  at  the  tricks  he  played  at  my 
disillusion. 

Two  things  were  denied  me  that  nearly  all  women 
not  in  the  poorhouse  demand  for  themselves.  It  was 
declared  impossible,  or  rather  preposterous,  for  me 
to  wish  for  a  home  of  my  own,  or  to  expect  to  have 
children.  He  said,  "  A  house  is  a  great  care,  besides, 
I  have  saved  many  thousands  of  dollars  by  not  having, 

238 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

as  you  term  it,  a  home ;  as  to  children  — "  he  shrugged 
his  shoulders  — "  they  are  an  unnecessary  evil." 

As  it  was  in  the  greater  so  it  was  in  all  the  smaller 
concerns  of  our  daily  intercourse.  I  never  allowed  an 
expression  of  what  I  wanted  to  do  or  have  to  reach 
his  ears  that  he  did  not  in  some  way  make  an  effort 
to  circumvent  my  plans.  If  I  should  happen  to  par- 
ticularly admire  a  trinket,  a  piece  of  furniture,  or 
something  to  wear,  he  would  refuse  to  get  it,  so  that 
I  acquired  the  habit  of  buying  things  surreptitiously 
and  paying  for  them  out  of  my  small  bank  account. 
My  efforts  to  break  this  rock  of  defiance  by  kindness 
were  unavailing.  I  was  still  ignorant  as  to  what  it 
was  that  made  some  men  dance  to  any  tune  their  wives 
might  pipe. 

An  old  friend  of  my  youth  with  whom  my  confi- 
dence had  always  been  shared,  and  whose  generous 
heart  never  failed  to  grant  me  some  peace,  once  said 
to  me:  "Know  a  man's  boyhood  before  you  judge 
him,  for  the  peccadillos  and  idiosyncrasies  that  are 
molded  in  wax  in  our  youth  become  the  copper  die 
of  our  old  age.  From  one  harbored  thought  or  mean 
wish  you  may  be  laying  the  keystone  of  endless  pain 
or  pleasure  to  countless  generations.  Sweep  your 
own  temple  clear,  then  you  will  not  be  troubled  about 
other  people's  steps." 

We  are  all  slaves  of  circumstance.  It  is  useless  to 
talk  of  these  things;  for  no  one  man  or  woman  has 

239 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

suffered  so  much,  in  a  hell  so  deep,  that  he  can  under- 
stand all  the  circles  of  Hades  that  different  mortals 
must  traverse  before  reaching  the  Great  White 
Throne,  where  no  sorrow  is  but  only  peace,  and  noth- 
ing is  known  of  a  honeymoon.  Honeymoon,  indeed, 
rather  a  misnomer  for  a  new  inferno,  with  a  husband 
for  one's  guide  and  "  friend." 


240 


CHAPTER   XXIV 

"  The  woman  felt  homeless;  and  childless,  in  scorn 
She  seemed  mocked  by  the  voices  of  children  unborn. 
And  when  from  these  sombre  reflections  away 
She  turned  with  a  sigh  to  that  gay  world,  more  gay 
For  her  presence  within  it,  she  knew  herself  friendless; 
That  her  path  led  from  peace,  and  that  path  appeared 

endless; 

That  even  her  beauty  had  been  but  a  snare, 
And  her  wit  sharpened  only  the  edge  of  despair." 
******** 

"Curled  lips,  long  since  half  kissed  away, 

Still  sweet  and  keen, 
You'd  give  him  poison  —  shall  we  say, 
Or  what?" 

—  Faustine. 


O ORCERIES  of  Thessaly,  the  troubles  of  the  Golden 
*^  Ass,  the  mysterious  Pastophares !  Ah,  God,  what 
pen  can  describe  the  slimy  pool  into  which  a  young 
woman  may  fall  who  is  yoked  to  a  Silenus  trunk  that 
is  swollen  with  drink  and  high  living. 

Besides  this,  the  degrading  thought  that  I  belonged 
to  a  man  in  the  same  sense  as  any  other  property 

241 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

might  that  he  bought,  made  me  slink  into  dark  cor- 
ners of  regret,  and  desire  for  death.  There  was  no 
redress  —  my  body  and  soul  belonged  to  him,  I  could 
not  by  law  or  religion  break  the  seal  that  fastened 
that  smirch  in  my  soul.  Chained  for  life  to  a  crimi- 
nal in  jail  might  seem  to  the  free  man  a  terrible  pun- 
ishment, but  he  does  not  think  of  looking  at  his 
neighbor  as  possibly  a  pitiable  object  of  mercy,  be- 
cause he  wears  fine  clothes,  and  drives  in  a  carriage. 

"  Your  large,  healthy  magnetism  has  a  double-soled 
wearing  quality  that  cannot  be  said  of  most  of  your 
kind  who  have  gone  through  the  mill,"  he  said  once 
to  me  in  a  manner  peculiarly  his  own;  "the  young 
men  will  be  after  you,  your  freshness  will  allure  them 
all,  but  a  woman  of  your  character  is  not  so  much 
to  be  feared." 

To  this  I  candidly  replied :  "  You  have  not  referred 
to  my  amiable  disposition  that  you  constantly  praise 
as  a  buffer  to  your  natural  ill  temper,"  for  even  dur- 
ing our  courtship  I  remember  that  he  gave  me  credit 
for  an  unprecedented  patience  with  his  taunts  which 
it  was  impossible  to  realize  the  value  of  then,  but  a 
never-ending  criticism  of  one's  behavior  becomes  at 
last  as  an  acid  upon  a  tender  sore  —  it  aggravates  the 
disease  it  was  intended  to  cure. 

My  social  duties  that  seemed  obligatory,  were  one 
of  the  hardest  bones  of  contention.  Coming  home 
late  from  a  course  of  pink  teas,  he  would  look  at  me 

242 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

in  a  way  to  terrorize  the  fearless,  when  the  glaucous, 
opaque  tint  of  his  black  eyes  would  become  more  yel- 
low, and  the  heavy,  animal  face  all  the  more  forbid- 
ding, when  he  would  shout  as  to  one  deaf,  "  Stay  at 
home  more  or  get  out  of  my  house  forever;  I  shall 
not  have  you  running  about  so."  To  which  one  day, 
tried  beyond  the  power  of  keeping  silence  any  longer, 
I  retorted :  "  There  are  ghosts  in  this  house  that  sneer 
at  and  mock  me;  the  associations  of  it  are  abhorrent, 
it  reeks  in  vile  language  and  brawls.  Death  seems  to 
haunt  it,  the  colors  in  it  are  as  much  in  harmony  as  we 
are,  and  the  whole  thing  is  enough  to  scrape  my  nerves 
bare  to  the  bone.  The  cheap  attempts  at  ornamenta- 
tion ring  so  untrue  and  everything  about  the  house  is 
so  harsh  that  I  cannot  endure  to  remain  in  it  for  a 
longer  time  than  to  eat  and  sleep.  To  live  in  one 
room  in  which  I  could  assert  my  own  individuality 
would  be  more  home  to  me  than  could  a  palace." 

"  Do  you  imagine  that  I  shall  make  a  dude's  loaf- 
ing place  for  you  to  preside  over  ?  It  is  good  enough 
for  me  and  will  have  to  answer  the  purpose  for  you. 
What  good  are  all  these  fantastic  gew-gaws  that  silly 
women  spend  time  and  somebody  else's  money  upon? 
I  want  a  wife  for  different  purposes  than  to  buy  bric- 
a-brac.  You  have  me,  what  more  do  you  want  ?  " 

I  had  him!  Indeed  'tis  well  that  Love  is  blind, 
for  blindness  is  as  good  a  plea  as  any  for  the  folly 
committed  in  Love's  name.  In  my  secret  heart  there 

243 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

was  a  longing  to  bite  the  hand  that  held  me  in  its 
relentless  clutch.  Oh,  that  some  nameless  deeds 
might  not  have  their  dire  consequences  and  that  I 
might  be  as  conscienceless  as  a  child  who  pulls  flies  to 
pieces  as  he  sings  in  the  sunshine.  There  is  not  desert 
arid  enough  to  wither,  or  ocean  wide  enough  to  swal- 
low up,  or  space  enough  to  consume  one  drop  of  Cain's 
guilt.  My  heavy  feet  and  sultry  heart  must  march  on 
to  the  bitter  end.  I  had  longed  for  love  and  married 
for  what?  There  are  so  many  reasons  why  one  mar- 
ries that  it  is  quite  unnecessary  to  confront  any  one 
particularly  ghastly  fact  or  reason  in  connection 
with  it. 

My  husband  often  quoted  an  axiom  of  Russian 
origin  that  seemed  to  me  to  be  as  applicable  to  one 
as  to  the  other  of  us,  which  was,  if  you  yoke  a  buffalo 
and  ox  together,  one  will  push  for  the  swamp  and  the 
other  for  the  hill.  Trite  aphorisms  often  come  near 
the  truth. 

We  began  to  recognize  the  complete  boredom  that 
comes  of  opposite  tastes  trying  to  conform  to  each 
other.  Spontaneous,  fun-loving,  cognizant  of  the 
beauty  and  joy  in  the  world,  I  was  mated  to  a  man  who 
could  only  find  satisfaction  and  interest  in  a  human 
sale,  beyond  which  he  could  see  no  reason  for  wasting 
time  on  anything. 

When  we  are  thirsty  a  thousand  pearls  are  not 
worth  one  drop  of  water.  I  would  have  given  up 

244 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

everything  that  I  possessed  for  one  kiss,  or  the  words, 
"  I  love  you,"  or  even  a  bright,  appreciative  glance  or 
kind  word.  The  mother  instinct  was  beginning  to 
cry  out  for  satisfaction.  The  powerful  assertion  of 
a  New  England  conscience  refused  all  possible  oppor- 
tunity of  gratifying  this  natural  craving  for  recrea- 
tion that  no  effort  of  mine  could  quell.  Neither  diver- 
sion or  occupation  had  any  effect,  until,  for  comfort, 
reading  Nietzsche  grew  to  be  a  last  resource. 

"  Ye  creators,  in  you  is  much  impure,  the  reason 
is  that  ye  were  compelled  to  be  mothers.  A  new 
child,  oh,  how  much  new  dirt  hath  with  it  been  born 
into  the  world.  Go  unto  one  side.  He  who  hath 
given  birth  shall  wash  his  soul  pure." 

Nature  asserting  itself,  however,  the  command  to 
"  be  not  virtuous  beyond  your  ability "  came  as  a 
sacred  call.  My  soul  assumed  an  attitude  of  humility. 
The  creeping  thing  that  I  became  to  my  husband  had 
made  of  me  a  slave  to  one  constant  temptation  —  mur- 
der. How  sweet  would  be  the  taste  of  blood,  I 
brooded,  as  I  sat  alone  in  the  iron  cage  of  impotence 
that  my  husband  bound  round  me.  I  was  like  the 
woman  in  a  picture,  who  is  chained  to  a  wall,  with 
dangling  jewels  before  her  lips  and  eyes  that  can  not 
appease  her  thirst  or  save  her  from  starving.  Chil- 
dren —  devils  in  hell  are  more  satisfied  than  a  woman 
who  is  denied  them!  Nature  must  assert  herself  or 
there  is  destruction  indeed. 

245 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

In  my  girlhood  a  woman  had  predicted  that,  as  my 
chief  desire  in  life  seemed  to  be  that  of  making  slaves 
of  men  I  should  beware  lest  their  chains  fall  later 
about  my  own  neck.  The  equation  had  been  worked, 
the  problem  solved.  In  my  youthful  independence,  I 
had  said,  "  We  are  the  makers  of  our  own  destiny." 
Are  we,  indeed? 

Society  now  had  a  flagrant  tendency  to  flout  the 
idea  of  a  woman  taking  to  the  dusty,  hot  road  of  con- 
jugal duty  when  her  infelicity  might  be  cured  in  the 
rosy  path  of  dalliance.  Young  men  were  beginning 
to  offer  me  passion,  old  men  made  a  show  of  their 
money;  women  averred  that  there  was  small  chance 
of  judging  by  what  one  saw  in  the  drawing-room  of 
the  most  secret  store  in  the  larder.  By  cares  of  a 
house  or  the  humdrum  of  domesticity  a  woman  may 
dispossess  her  nature  of  a  great  many  temptations, 
just  as  a  man  appeases  his  surplus  energy  in  making 
money. 

Charity  work  seemed  so  futile;  I  was  too  old  to 
go  on  the  stage,  and  too  prudish  to  let  my  natural 
self  have  rein  in  certain  enjoyments  that  my  exuber- 
ance might  have  led  me  to  reach  out  for  if  the  temp- 
tation had  been  sufficiently  strong,  but  to  turn  to 
something  for  bare  comfort  became  an  imperative 
need.  In  the  modern  extravagant  sense,  I  lacked  the 
first  requisites  for  attracting  society,  for  one  must 
have  surroundings  commensurate  with  good  taste  if 

246 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

not  with  great  wealth.  Happy  women  are  rarely 
society  or  club  women. 

Why  not  adopt  a  literary  fad  of  some  kind  as  the 
last  resource,  I  thought.  Literature  would  answer  a 
purpose,  so  I  finally  decided  to  take  up  the  study  of 
Browning  with  a  class  formed  of  my  friends. 

After  a  holy  hour  spent  in  dissecting  a  part  of 
"  Pippa  Passes,"  one  bleak  November  day,  we  drifted, 
as  usual,  into  that  universally  interesting  topic,  man. 

"  Ought  a  girl  to  marry  so  young?  Does  she  really 
love,  or  know  about  things  at  eighteen?"  asked  Dor- 
othy Whitehall,  the  fiancee  of  Mr.  Bradford,  one  of 
the  chums  of  my  old  friend,  Clifford  Bennet,  who,  as 
is  always  the  case  with  the  average  Don  Juan,  wants 
to  marry  the  youngest  and  most  innocent  girl  he  can 
find  on  the  market.  Thus  youth  and  old  age  united 
make  a  respectable  mean  average. 

"  At  eighteen  we  worship,  talk,  eat  and  drink  love, 
but  at  forty  we  look  for  a  lover  that  will  not  even 
mention  the  subject;  though  at  either  age  I  cannot 
say  that  we  know  much  about  it,  for  love  is  a  matter 
that  concerns  civilization  more  than  it  does  the  indi- 
vidual, after  he  has  passed  his  calfdom  period,"  an- 
swered the  leader  of  our  class,  who  never  before  had 
expressed  her  sentiment  on  so  vital  a  subject. 

There  was  a  scream  of  dissent  at  this  from  the 
debutante. 

"  There  is  no  such  thing  as  love,"  quickly  replied 
247 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

a  young  divorcee,  "  it  is  simply  egotism,  an  expres- 
sion of  one's  own  self  to  another  in  order  to  get  back 
coin  of  a  higher  value.  It  might  be  considered  an 
insanity,  for  who  but  an  idiot,  or  a  lover,  will  say  the 
insane  things  they  do?  Then  the  rash  promises  they 
make  to  each  other  while  suffering  from  this  dementia. 
*  Do  you  love  me  as  well  as  I  do  you  ? '  asked  our 
waitress  of  the  footman.  The  reply  was  the  usual 
one  in  such  cases :  *  You  could  not  possibly  love  me 
as  I  do  you/  The  literal  demonstration  of  this  was, 
that  when  they  were  married  she  sawed  the  wood  and 
brought  in  the  coal,  while  he  spent  nearly  all  of  his 
wages  on  drink,  or  French  maids." 

The  debutante  looked  discouraged  and  subsided  for 
a  moment,  but  astonished  us  all  by  an  outburst  full 
of  pique  and  retaliation  as  she  cried  vehemently  to 
the  divorcee  who  had  denounced  her  holy  of  holies 
by  a  sneer: 

"  Dolly  is  so  soured  on  love  because  her  last  picture 
did  not  get  on  the  line.  How  absurd  for  her  to  think 
that  she  can  deceive  us  into  believing  that  she  paints 
her  pictures,  or  writes  the  books  that  come  out  under 
her  name,  for  Mrs.  Merriwether  says  she  hires  them 
done  to  acquire  distinction  that  society  will  never 
bestow." 

"  The  only  certain  thing  about  love  is  that  it  is  not 
certain,"  replied  the  one  attacked ;  "  no  one  can  tell 
how  long  the  fit  will  last." 

248 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

To  this  Dolly  glibly  replied :  "  My  brother  said 
once,  that  you  were  the  strangest  girl  he  had  ever 
known,  that  as  soon  as  a  man  proposed  to  you  you 
lost  all  interest  in  him;  that  you  must  have  had  a 
great  many  is  certain,  for  you  do  not  care  enough 
about  them  to  even  remember  their  names.  What 
do  you  say,  Kate  ?  "  she  said,  turning  to  me. 

"  When  a  woman  arrives  on  the  shady  side  of  the 
hill,  before  she  reaches  that  loveless  land  where  really 
nothing  matters,"  I  replied  in  a  manner  that  showed 
too  strongly  a  sad  conviction,  "  memory  is  fixed  in 
the  heart,  not  in  the  mind,  as  many  believe,  for  we 
remember  best  what  most  affects  our  interests." 

"  Do  you  believe  in  marrying  for  money  ?  "  asked 
Miss  Simpson,  who  nudged  her  friend  as  she  settled 
her  eyes  fixedly  on  mine. 

"  Yes,  when  you  enter  the  land  that  I  just  men- 
tioned, but  not  in  your  youth,  then  it  is  very  foolish 
to,  but  in  any  case  do  not  take  your  heart  on  the 
journey,  for  it  will  be  a  great  burden,  and  it  really 
does  not  pay." 

"  You  and  Dolly  are  too  cynical  for  me,  and  it  is 
just  the  girls  who  don't  care,  and  who  talk  as  you  do 
who  make  all  the  trouble  with  the  men  so  that  the 
girls  who  want  them  can't  have  half  of  them.  Walter 
Wilbur  spoke  to  me  of  you  one  day  with  tears  in  his 
eyes,  and  you  know  he  went  to  Egypt  to  forget." 

"  Love  is  the  real  master  of  life  but,  to  an  old 
249 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

bounder  like  '  Ironclad,'  who  has  had  it  thrust  on  her 
from  childhood,  it  must  be  the  excess  of  sweetness, 
which  is  satiety,  and  which  terminates  in  philosophy," 
said  Dolly,  determined  to  take  the  part  of  her  ally. 
"  I  could  forswear  all  the  love  in  the  world  if  anyone 
would  give  me  party  dresses  like  unto  hers.  This 
utter  nonsense  that  men  and  women  talk  about  loving 
but  once  shows  a  most  deplorable  lack  somewhere. 
I  could  love  a  thousand  times  if  there  was  anyone 
lovable.  Even  a  dog  or  a  cat  can  obtain  for  them- 
selves an  enviable  devotion  from  me.  I  do  not  want 
to  pose  as  one  of  those  sapped-out,  helpless,  useless 
beings  who  can  only  love  once,  but  we  are  all  talking 
sheer  nonsense,  for,  as  I  said  before,  give  me  the 
gaudy  things  of  this  world;  love  will  come  or  go  as  it 
pleases  my  heart.  I  shall  not  break  myself  over  any 
subtleties  of  passion  that  are  beyond  my  range." 

"  Not  her  dress,  but  that  pathetic  droop  to  her  eye- 
lid, as  if  one  kiss  would  make  it  fall,"  said  Daisy 
Ward,  the  romantic  one. 

"  Girls,"  I  cried,  above  the  silly  clatter  that  now 
waged  round  me,  "  I  shall  not  be  the  subject  of  any 
more  of  this;  you  know  in  diplomatic  circles  we  flatter 
those  most  whom  we  most  hate." 

"  Well,  wasn't  your  mouth  taken  as  a  Greek  model 
in  the  drawing  class?  "  persisted  Sadie,  bent  on  giving 
her  full  quota  of  praise,  against  all  onslaughts,  when 
gossip  was  most  rife.  "  We  need  not  wait  to  enter 

250 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

the  violet  abysses  of  Eternity  to  find  out  that  we  are 
famous  among  our  women  friends  if  we  only  have 
something  better  to  wear  than  they.  It  dawns  upon 
me  now  that  I  have  always  joined  the  cowardice  of 
grown  people  with  the  thoughtless  courage  of  a  child. 
My  enemies  ascribed  my  actions  to  wicked  perversity, 
while  those  who  knew  me  best  and  loved  me,  laid  my 
crimes  principally  to  naivete.  One  reason  why  society 
has  dwindled  to  afternoon  teas  for  women,  or  din- 
ners of  twelve  covers,  is  that  their  jealousy  cannot 
endure  the  competition  which  is  necessary  in  a  general 
society  and  that  they  are  so  profoundly  and  unjustly 
critical  of  each  other." 

"  Never  mind,"  said  Dolly,  in  an  appeasing,  sym- 
pathetic tone,  "  I  like  you,  and  will  tell  everybody 
what  a  perfect  dear  you  were  to  nurse  the  baby  so 
beautifully  through  his  sickness  when  I  was  in  New 
York,  for  the  doctor  said  that  you  were  simply  splen- 
did," she  continued  rapidly. 

"  My  dear,"  drawled  Amy,  "  I  can  appreciate  you, 
for  we  both  married  wheezy  old  men  who  are  not 
blessed  with  a  grain  of  sentiment.  You  were  a 
spoiled  girl  and  a  great  stickler  for  form,  and  pre- 
disposed to  the  art  of  coquetry,  in  defense  of  which 
you  built  up  whole  structures  of  argument,  and  were 
unusually  qualified  for  comradeship  and  mental  asso- 
ciation with  men.  You  considered  marriage  only  as 
a  deliverance,  a  divine  command  and  a  communion 

251 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

•f  personality.  My  first  lover  made  me  believe  that 
love  was  a  part  of  the  divine  embroidery  of  the  heavens 
that  held  the  stars  in  their  pure  empyrean;  now  that 
man  is  married  to  a  woman  who  allows  him  to  quarrel 
with  her  about  which  side  down  his  hair-brush  ought 
to  be  if  they  can't  find  anything  else  to  allude  to, 
while  I  now  know  that  marriage  for  a  woman  becomes 
merely  a  question  of  whether  the  man  can  supply 
honey  and  cheese  for  her  bread,  which  is  a  moral  as 
well  as  a  physical  necessity." 

"  Amy,"  I  cried,  at  the  open  avowal  that  this  indif- 
ferent young  woman  made,  which,  though  it  looked 
to  be  so  sincere,  was  really  a  disguise  of  hers  to  hide 
a  nature  intensely  devoted  to  a  cause,  or  a  man,  when 
once  her  passion  or  sentiment  was  aroused. 

The  chimes  in  the  hall  struck  five.  "  We  have 
talked  a  great  deal  about  Browning,  and  I  propose 
that  we  adjourn,"  said  Miss  Smith,  in  the  quiet  low 
tones  she  always  used  when  she  was  sarcastic. 

The  girls  gave  me  an  effusive  good-bye.  The  day 
was  a  sodden  gray,  and  the  nervous  flutter  usual  to  me 
about  the  time  my  husband  was  expected  home  was 
accentuated  while  I  was  taking  my  things  off,  as  the 
maid  announced  a  gentleman  to  see  me,  and  I  recog- 
nized the  name  of  the  man  whom  I  had  met  in  the 
South  some  three  years  before  my  marriage,  and 
never  expected  to  see  again. 


252 


CHAPTER    XXV 

"  The  battle  is  not  always   to   the   brave  nor  life's 
sublimest  wisdom  to  the  wise." 


F^O  learn  of  what  jealousy  consists,  to  be  inocu- 
•*•  lated  with  its  poison  was  now  my  daily  experi- 
ence. It  was  not  only  one  thing  but  everything.  To 
shake  hands  with  a  man,  to  smile  at  a  man  across  the 
room,  to  speak  in  a  low  tone  to  someone,  a  new  dress, 
an  admired  flower,  even  a  pet  cat,  or  a  study  in  which 
there  could  be  found  any  pleasure  or  solace,  was 
enough  to  awaken  my  husband's  suspicion  or  antip- 
athy. He  had  many  devices  for  laying  on  the  knots 
of  his  displeasure  when  his  spleen  was  once  aroused, 
which  was  most  of  the  time  I  spent  with  him.  To 
be  away  from  him  brought  so  many  bitter  complaints 
against  my  inexcusable  conduct,  that  to  be  at  a  recep- 
tion past  the  time  when  he  would  expect  me  to  return 
would  bring  dire  forebodings  of  meeting  him. 

A  woman  once  said  to  me  that  it  did  not  matter 
to  her  what  was  said,  that  she  could  give  as  good  a 
tongue  lashing  as  anybody.  This  implied  the  constant 
changing  of  the  tide  in  marital  relations  that  seemed 

253 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

to  me  only  fit  for  the  comic  papers  and  small  minds, 
for  if  there  is  any  significance  to  life  at  all,  there 
must  be  certain  things  in  it,  certain  phases  that  we 
must  reverence. 

With  the  psychic  intuition  of  my  nature  still  intact 
in  spite  of  all,  with  the  usual  paramount  influence 
he  exercised  over  me,  I  felt  the  presence  of  my  hus- 
band in  the  hall  outside.  A  nervousness  quite  unac- 
countable always  overcame  me  when  he  approached 
me,  and  now,  to  find  this  stranger  from  the  South 
calling  upon  me  would  surely  bring  on  a  storm  of 
vituperation.  Inwardly  quaking  with  fear  that  this 
man,  whom  of  all  others  I  cared  least  to  encounter 
or  entertain,  should  probably  imperil  my  very  life,  cer- 
tainly was  an  irony  of  fate.  The  appearance  of  Mr. 
Colton  on  the  scene  might  be  classed  as  a  red-letter 
event  in  a  life  that  daily  might  have  been  called  melo- 
dramatic. 

There  are,  perhaps,  only  a  few  married  women  who 
have  not  had  an  episode  or  two  in  their  lives,  not  rep- 
rehensible maybe,  but  that  would  be  best  forgotten. 
My  recollection  of  the  brief  acquaintance  I  had  with 
Mr.  Colton  when  we  met  in  the  South  was  anything 
but  agreeable.  Knowing  well  the  sly  curiosity  of  my 
husband,  and  the  braggadocio  egotism  of  this  man 
whose  love  making  was  an  art  and  who  might  become 
a  dangerous  enemy  if  repulsed  suddenly,  yet  to  whom 
any  kind  of  encouragement  might  write  total  anni- 

254 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

hilation,  I  realized  my  danger  and  stood  hesitating, 
thinking  that  perhaps  a  lack  of  hospitality  would  make 
him  see  his  mistake,  but  no,  offering  me  a  chair  he 
took  upon  himself  the  honors  that,  apparently,  he  did 
not  expect  to  receive. 

Michaelovitch  had  threatened  to  drive  me  out  of 
the  house  for  less  reasons  than  finding  a  man  beside 
me.  This  man  was  handsome ;  we  were  alone ;  it  was 
growing  dusk.  I  stammered  something  about 
having  an  engagement  for  the  evening,  and  that  I 
would  like  to  be  excused.  I  remembered  how  that 
often  before  we  were  married  Michaelovitch  had  said 
that  the  thing  he  feared  most  was  that  after  marriage 
young  men  would  be  more  attractive  to  me  than  ever, 
that  he  feared  a  rivalry  impossible  to  prevent. 

"  It  has  been  years  since  we  met ;  you  take  no  note 
of  my  efforts  to  see  you  now,  but  it  is  no  use  to  try 
to  ignore  me.  It  is  certain  I  shall  die  fighting  for 
the  same  little  privileges  you  refused  me  that  night 
when  I  plead  for  hours  and  kept  you  standing  there 
in  the  doorway  for  a  touch  of  your  hand,  a  smile  from 
your  sweet  lips,  a  kind  look  from  your  beautiful 
eyes." 

He  said  this  as  if  reciting  a  lesson,  sufficiently  fluent 
to  savor  of  being  long  in  practice. 

His  assurance  unnerved  me  and,  with  an  almost 
frantic  gesture,  I  said,  "  But  I  fail  to  see  of  what 
importance  this  can  be  to  either  of  us  now;  there  are 

255 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

other  problems  in  life  for  me  to  encounter  than  decid- 
ing what  you  think  of  me." 

To  which  he  replied :  "  Guessing  at  your  meaning 
I  say  the  right  sort  of  man  is  never  jealous  of  a  beau- 
tiful woman  —  no,  no,"  and  he  fidgeted  in  his  chair  as 
he  held  his  hands  away  from  him  as  if  repelling  the 
thought  that  way.  "  No  man  who  immeasurably 
loves  a  woman  will  desecrate  that  love  by  obliging 
her  to  publicly  announce  his  brutality,  but  everyone 
who  ever  sees  you  must  love  your  sweet,  radiant  na- 
ture," he  lowered  his  voice ;  "  your  Oriental  intensity 
—  ah  —  the  —  yes.  Can  science  or  philosophy  ex- 
plain why  it  is  that  if  one  once  knows  you  you  will 
never  be  forgotten?  You  were  with  me  during  one 
short  evening,  but  that  little  hour  has  lived  in  my 
memory  like  sweet  music  ever  since.  Your  indif- 
ference to  me  is  maddening." 

Seriously  annoyed,  I  moved  away,  at  the  same  time 
saying :  "  Is  this  what  you  made  a  call  on  me,  a  mar- 
ried woman,  to  say?  It  is  folly  and  I  beg  that  you 
will  excuse  me,  if  for  no  other  reason  than  that  in  all 
probability  I  am  not  the  only  one  who  listens  to  you." 

"  Yes,  yes,  we  must  part,  I  must  go,  but  only  for 
your  sake.  But  tell  me  in  that  queenly  way  in  which 
you  intend  to  dismiss  me,  that  you  have  thought  of 
me,  if  ever  so  little.  I,  too,  have  been  married  but, 
peradventure,  marriage  does  not  unsex  one.  A  lovely 
woman  is  just  as  admirable  a  divinity  as  ever." 

256 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

His  ravings  were  rather  amusing  —  after  all,  it 
might  not  be  more  than  an  extra  experience  on  the 
bulletin,  but  I  trembled,  for  surely  that  was  my  hus- 
band's step  I  again  heard  in  the  hall.  Any  slight  put 
upon  this  man  might  make  an  enemy  of  him  for  life, 
to  wound  his  quixotism  might  prove  fatal.  "  If  a 
woman  lives  up  to  the  highest  mark  of  her  ability  or 
her  duty  she  has  quite  enough  to  occupy  her  time 
without  other  interests.  Please  understand  me,  you 
distress  me,  you  must  go  —  you  cannot  know  — !" 

"  Oh,  you  are  too  modest  in  spirit.  I  will  live  to 
see  the  fine  fibre  of  your  nature  respond  to  the  inef- 
fable longing  and  warmth  of  affection  so  sincere  and 
spontaneous  that  it  will  surprise  even  you,  my  chrysa- 
lis, whom  I  shall  warm  into  life  that  you  may  spread 
your  wings  to  fly  straight  to  me." 

"  Perhaps,"  I  said  mechanically,  as  each  moment 
became  more  tortuous,  the  fear  that  my  husband 
would  tip-toe  into  the  room  any  moment  being  the 
uppermost  thought  of  my  mind. 

"  One  kiss  of  yours  would  make  my  life  happy. 
The  soft  music  of  your  voice  thrills  me,  it  opens  my 
heart  as  no  other  woman  has  ever  opened  its  holy 
of  holies.  I  hear  that  you  are  not  happy  with  an  old 
brute  who  grinds  you  to  powder.  You,  who  can't 
help  being  attractive  in  every  way  that  endears  a 
woman  to  a  man." 

Was  the  man  crazy?     Could  he  not  see  my  state 

257 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

of  excitement,  my  dread  of  him,  that  set  every  nerve 
on  edge?  No,  at  last  it  occurred  to  me  that  these 
signs  made  him  believe  himself  the  cause  of  my  hot 
cheeks,  nervously  working  hands  and  fitful  pacing 
up  and  down. 

"  Some  man  ought  to  crown  you  as  he  would  his 
patron  saint.  Why  cannot  I?  No  one  will  ever 
guard  your  reputation  and  honor  more  sacredly  than 
I,  who  would  offer  you  everything  I  have,  or  ever  ex- 
pect to  have,  on  earth." 

Of  all  the  passion  and  love  offered  to  me  this  was 
the  most  fatal  and  incriminating.  "  Do  not  push  me 
to  extremities,"  I  replied,  "  you  are  endangering  my 
whole  future  at  this  instant.  Have  you  no  respect  for 
me  that  you  pursue  me,  uninvited,  in  this  way  ?  " 

"  Ah,  I  read  in  your  eyes  the  real  answer  to  my 
pleading.  Dearest,  let  me  admire  you,  let  me  be  your 
dog,  or  your  best  friend.  I  am  Southern,  with  the 
hot  blood,  the  spirit  of  the  gentlemen  of  the  South, 
who  have  always  protected  their  women.  I  have  never 
before  met  a  woman  like  you,  you  make  me  mad,  for- 
give me,  for  I  must  tell  you." 

His  eyes  were  becoming  glazed  with  passion  that 
my  horror  of  him  did  not  quell.  There  was  no  way 
to  escape;  I  had  no  power  to  stay  the  torrid  flow  of 
his  words.  This  sort  of  scene  had  not  been  endured 
since  I  had  said  good-bye  to  the  old  "  vie  celibataire." 
"  Please  accede  to  my  wishes  and  leave  the  house  at 

258 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

once,"  I  said  in  a  whisper,  my  fear  rendering  my 
efforts  to  remain  dignified  futile.  In  the  conscientious 
searching  of  my  life's  misery  not  one  willful  wrong 
deed  was  recorded,  but  this  listening  to  a  man  raving 
out  his  passion  for  me  I  was  sure  would  be  the  means 
of  my  ultimate  destruction,  for  it  became  the  strongest 
premonition  of  my  life.  I  had  been  falsely  suspected 
of  many  things,  this  sin  would  be  upon  me  now. 
Thank  God,  I  had  not  come  as  yet  to  a  guilty  con- 
science. The  subtlety  of  his  flattery  lay  in  the  fact 
that  for  the  most  part  he  accredited  me  with  virtues 
that  I  did  not  have,  or,  at  least,  that  no  one  else  ever 
saw. 

Finally  he  started  to  leave  me,  and  as  the  snow- 
flakes  scurried  to  earth  faster  every  moment  my  eyes 
watched  them  with  an  involuntary  fascination  while 
my  thoughts  persistently  dwelt  on  him,  and  the  words 
crushed  through  my  clinched  teeth  would  say  them- 
selves in  spite  of  me:  "Love,  love,  bah!  I  am  sick 
of  the  word;  what  does  it  mean  to  me;  what  has  it 
ever  brought  me?  Not  love,  revenge!  only  revenge 
is  sweet  to  me  now.  By  the  gods  it  shall  be  enjoyed ! 
Only  wait."  As  the  adviser  of  Catherine  de  Medici 
whispered  that  memorable  word  in  her  ear  when 
hounded  to  the  wall  by  a  lot  of  wolves  panting  for 
her  power  and  throne,  but  who  yet  tried  to  beguile 
her  heart,  I,  too,  would  "  wait." 

Slowly  turning  around  through  the  always  dreaded, 
259 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

potent  influence  my  husband  exerted  over  me  both 
mentally  and  physically,  I  saw  his  spectre-like  face  as 
it  gleamed  ghastly  white  from  out  the  gathering 
gloom.  His  black  eyes  fairly  glittered  with  a  red 
light  that  gave  a  fiendish  expression  to  them,  ac- 
centuated by  the  snarl  emitted  from  the  thick  lips  that 
quivered  and  curled  over  his  white  teeth,  and  which 
his  anger  did  not  allow  him  to  express  in  words ;  the 
very  sight  was  enough  to  strike  cold,  dumb  horror 
to  one's  heart. 

Faintly  leaning  against  the  window  I  stood  riveted 
to  the  spot,  waiting  to  hear  the  expected  ban  or  exe- 
cration ;  would  it  never  come,  why  did  he  stand  there 
in  the  door  looking  at  me  with  those  bloodshot,  hound 
eyes?  The  atmosphere  always  became  stifling  when 
he  entered  the  same  room  where  I  was.  I  gasped  for 
breath  and  turned  toward  the  window.  It  was  not  so 
very  many  degrees  above  zero  outside,  but  I  would 
rather  lie  out  there  in  the  street  freezing  to  death 
than  to  go  through  this. 

At  last  it  came.  This  roaring  rage  was  a  relief 
from  his  silent  contempt. 

"  American  women  are  all  liars,"  he  hissed ;  the 
sibilant  words  were  like  live  coals  upon  my  cold,  shiv- 
ering body,  "  and  you  are  the  damnedest  liar  of  them 
all." 

He  stood  over  me  with  raised  hands,  met  my  gaze, 
then  fell  back,  giving  vent  to  his  fury  by  kicking  the 

260 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

furniture  and  throwing  the  first  thing  that  came  to 
his  hand  as  far  as  it  would  go. 

Mr.  Colton  stood  still  as  a  statue,  never  taking  his 
eyes  off  me. 

"  How  dare  you  insult  me  in  my  own  house,  and 
hold  me  up  to  public  ridicule?" 

Mr.  Colton  stepped  to  the  door  and  placed  his  hand 
upon  the  knob :  "  You  mongrel  cur,  stay  to  hear  what 
I  have  to  say  or  I  will  kick  you  both  out  together. 
And  what  can  you  be  doing  in  the  street  all  day," 
he  said  turning  to  me ;  "I  have  a  notion  to  tell  you 
to  get  out  and  never  come  back.  Back,  by  God,  all 
you  want  is  to  have  your  bills  paid  and  to  amuse  your- 
self;  you  never  think  of  me." 

We  both  talked  at  once,  he  never  wished  to  hear 
what  I  had  to  say.  "  It  is  all  talk,  everyone  who  sees 
you  says  how  well  you  are  treated,  all  women  are 
jealous  of  you,"  he  said. 

This  was  the  most  powerful  weapon  he  could 
wield  and  it  silenced  me,  it  was  beneath  my  contempt, 
for  he  well  knew  the  best  things  I  »had  bought  since 
my  marriage  had  been  paid  for  with  my  own  money, 
which  was  now  at  a  critically  low  ebb. 

I  looked  at  his  satyr  largeness  of  body,  the  wrinkled 
face  set  in  a  short  flabby  neck,  and  I  tried  to  deceive 
myself,  as  I  did  the  world,  that  I  had  married  this 
man  for  love.  The  principal  question  for  a  woman 
is  not  "Do  we  marry  for  love?"  but  "Do  we  love 

261 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

to  be  married?"  There  is  a  pennyweight  of  dif- 
ference until  we  are  actually  confronted  with  the 
answer. 

At  this  inopportune  moment  a  young  woman  who 
was  the  gossip  of  the  city,  and  who  spent  all  the  time 
she  could  give  to  the  ruination  of  other  people's  repu- 
tations, was  announced.  She  came  into  the  room 
smiling  her  wicked  smile  as  she  unloosed  her  sables, 
with  the  remark :  "  Oh,  I  am  so  glad  to  find  you  both 
at  home.  What  a  snug  pair  you  are  to  be  sure,  inr- 
stead  of  patrolling  up  and  down  to  the  interminable 
afternoon  teas,  boring  yourselves  with  a  lot  of  peo- 
ple, you  coo  and  woo  at  home." 

"  Yes,  my  wife  for  once  stayed  at  home  as  I 
wished  her  to,  but  she  can't  be  satisfied  with  disgrac- 
ing me  outside  but  must  bring  her  paramours  into  the 
house.  That  is  what  a  man  gets  for  marrying  a 
woman  thirty  years  his  junior;  American  women  are 
all  on  the  bargain  counter  hunting  for  titles  and  I  like 
a  fool  fell  into  her  trap.  I  came  home  to-day  to  find 
that  cad,  that  low-  down  duffer,  whatever  his  name  is, 
making  love  to  her  in  a  way  that  he  must  have  prac- 
ticed for  years  to  have  acquired." 

"  Mr.  Colton,  allow  me  to  introduce  you  to  my 
friend — "  I  interrupted. 

"  Oh,  is  this  the  Mr.  Colton  known  to  fame  ? 
Glad  to  meet  you,  my  name  is  Miss  Gilroy." 

Michaelovitch,  meanwhile,  had  sat  down,  breath- 
262 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

ing  in  long  wheezy  breaths.  I  walked  to  the  other 
end  of  the  room  and  Mr.  Colton  came  to  me  and 
whispered  to  me :  "  That  man  cannot  help  but 
brutally  insult  you,  he  will  turn  you  out  in  the  street 
yet,  and  he  has  never  treated  you  as  a  gentleman 
should  treat  a  woman  who  is  his  wife.  Beware  of 
him.  In  case  you  ever  need  me  come  to  me,  for  you 
cannot  easily  paint  ebony  white.  Good-bye,  this  is 
not  the  last,  for  I  intend  to  see  you  again." 

Lila  stood  still,  with  the  expression  on  her  face  of 
a  French  doll  whose  mechanism  has  run  down. 
Suddenly,  as  if  inspired,  she  turned  and  addressed 
my  husband  in  her  chatty,  indifferent  way.  "  To  be 
sure,  Kate  could  have  married  anyone  of  the  most 
eligible  men  in  America ;  for  there  never  was  anything 
ill  said  about  her.  I  have  the  run  of  all  the  gossip  in 
and  out  of  the  clubs,  and  know  that  not  one  of  the 
fellows  has  ever  been  anything  but  proud  of  her  ac- 
quaintance. You  are  furious;  it  is  quite  delightful  to 
see  a  jealous  man  mad.  You  are  picturesque  with 
your  savage  exhibition  of  yourself.  If  I  never  knew 
the  real  phase  of  men  behind  the  screen  I  would 
marry, —  as  it  is  I  am  content  with  the  way  I  live  and 
with  spasmodic  efforts  toward  a  result  I  never  allow. 
Ironclad  may  be  a  modern  Aspasia  but  she  hasn't  that 
reputation." 

I  could  have  blessed  her  then  and  forgiven  her  for 
what  she  was,  and  looked  upon  her  as  my  friend  as 

263 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

long  as  I  could  serve  her,  for  while  my  husband  knew 
of  my  virtue  he  was  loathe  to  accord  any  praise  in  my 
favor. 

"  Kiss  and  make  up,"  Lila  said  in  her  flippant 
little  tone,  that  came  from  a  woman  whose  life  had 
never  been  worried  by  a  single  serious  thought. 

It  was  out  of  all  precedent  for  us  to  do  anything 
of  that  kind,  for  often  on  our  honeymoon,  when  in- 
spired to  give  him  a  love-tap  or  a  fervent  kiss,  my 
husband  would  say :  "  Oh,  spare  me  that,  if  there 
is  anything  more  disgusting  in  a  wife  than  such  con- 
stant demonstrations  let  me  know  it."  In  comparing 
notes  with  other  young  married  women  this  had  been 
all  contrary  to  their  experience.  At  times  a  pure 
young  woman,  as  if  overcome  by  the  miasma  arising 
from  a  Serbonian  bog,  will  enter  the  marriage  rela- 
tion to  become  in  the  end  a  Messalina,  and  voluptuous. 

Apparently  Michaelovitch  was  ashamed  of  the  con- 
fession he  had  made  and  not  wishing  to  say  anything 
more  before  Lila,  who  impressed  us  with  the  idea  that 
she  intended  to  remain  quite  some  time,  he  abruptly 
left  the  room. 

After  he  had  gone  Lila's  nervous,  bony  hand 
reached  for  mine  as  she  said :  "  Kate,  I  have  some- 
thing to  tell  you,  can  you  listen?  " 

"  It  will  be  a  great  relief  to  listen  to  some  of  your 
interesting  gossip  instead  of  the  awful  things  I  have 
been  hearing." 

264 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

"  This  is  about  myself  and  will  be  a  great  surprise. 
I  intend  to  be  married  to  a  man  I  have  only  known 
three  days  and  want  you  to  be  one  of  my  witnesses, 
will  you  ?  " 

"  Oh,  Lila !  you,  with  your  freedom,  to  give  it  up  ?  " 

"  Kate,  I  am  not  the  same  stamp  of  woman  that 
you  are.  I  do  not  long  or  crave  for  the  things  that 
you  do,  every  man  that  I  meet  is  the  same  as  all  other 
men  to  me.  If  I  were  you  I  would  have  children;  a 
child  could  be  more  to  you  than  any  man  can  possibly 
be  to  a  woman  like  you.  You  are  not  satisfied,  we 
all  see  the  hunger  in  your  eyes.  We  all  love  you  and 
fear  for  you ;  have  you  ever  thought  of  what  your  end 
will  be?" 

"  Oh,  I  don't  need  love ;  I  read  or  study,  have 
every  moment  occupied.  I  am  entirely  independent." 

"  Dear,  do  you  think  that  these  things  will  fill  all 
the  room  in  your  heart  forever?  Do  you  know  that 
you  are  being  gossiped  about  on  that  account?  We 
all  ask  why  he  never  appears  on  any  occasions  in  pub- 
lic with  you." 

"  My  family  are  devoted  to  me,  they  worship  me 
and  I  spend  the  time  that  some  women  would  with 
their  husbands  in  making  my  parents  happy,  only 
there  is  a  constant  dread  of  my  husband's  temper, 
and  the  feeling  of  having  no  part  in  the  inner  life  of 
a  man  who  ought  to  be  my  all,  my  confidant  and 
friend.  My  reason  for  going  out  so  much  is  that  if 

265 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

I  stay  at  home  I  sit  in  one  abominably  thread- 
bare little  bedroom  where  we  practically  live,  and 
watch  him  with  a  weird  fascination  that  will  not  let 
me  read,  or  sing,  or  do  anything  else.  As  he  lies  on 
his  leather  couch  I  wish  that  he  lay  there  dead. 
There  would  be  no  sorrow  in  the  bottomless  depths 
of  my  heart  —  Oh,  Lila,  this  is  awful  to  tell  you  but, 
with  his  great  shaggy  brows  in  a  scowl  over  his  fierce 
black  eyes  that  never  soften  to  a  humane  expression 
into  mine,  the  heavily  seamed  face  and  wrinkled 
flabby  neck,  the  bald  top  of  the  miser's  head  and  the 
broad  aggressive  shoulders  as  he  lies  dreaming  and 
mumbling  to  himself,  when  suddenly,  out  of  a  fright- 
ful nightmare  his  bloodshot  eyes,  drunk  with  sleepy 
fright,  fasten  upon  me  in  a  way  that  makes  me  won- 
der if  his  wicked  intuition  scented  out  the  evil  and 
he  read  the  secret  thoughts  of  my  lost  soul,  for  there 
is  no  high  hope,  right  ambition  or  lofty  idea  left  in 
me;  I  am  possessed  by  the  one  secret  prayer  that  this 
may  not  last  forever.  At  times  uncontrollable  spasms 
of  self-pity  take  me  beyond  myself  in  a  gulf  of  misery 
that  will  run  itself  out  into  an  unredeemable  stony 
hate  of  everybody.  Then  a  miserable  contempt  for 
my  own  egotism  will  come  over  me  and  make  a  sane, 
hard-working,  charity  dispensing  woman  of  me,  as 
prosaic  as  you  could  find  on  the  shelf  of  a  Presby- 
terian missionary  society.  Lila,  can  you  realize  what 
it  is  to  eat,  and  sleep,  and  I  live  in  the  same  room  with 

266 


LOVE'S  TURPLE 

a    man    whom    you    are    only    obliged    by    law    to 
tolerate  ?  " 

The  doll-like  face  of  Lila  wore  a  strange  expression 
as  she  asked :  "  Is  that  why  you  are  beginning  to  be 
dignified?  You  no  longer  say  the  witty,  spontaneous 
things  that  used  to  make  us  all  laugh  so.  What  a 
great  girl  you  used  to  be  for  pets,  and  what  a  horse- 
woman you  were;  why,  you  could  break  any  kind 
of  a  horse  then,  but  you  do  not  have  that  kind  of  a 
look  now.  Don't  get  to  be  prudish,  for  land's  sake. 
What  you  ought  to  have  is  a  lover.  Don't  wrap 
yourself  up  so  completely  in  the  welfare  of  your  hus- 
band, for  he  will  never  appreciate  it,  nor  will  he  ever 
thank  you." 

"  Lila,  I  can't  tell  you  why,  but  for  two  insults  de- 
liberately given  me  in  the  presence  of  my  friends,  not 
to  speak  of  the  daily  persecution  he  has  heaped  upon 
me,  largely  because  of  my  efforts  to  be  kind  to  him 
and  give  him  in  every  instance  his  way,  I  am  deter- 
mined upon  some  sort  of  revenge.  You  know  we 
hate  the  people  to  whom  we  are  indebted  for  favors. 
That  is  the  way  with  him;  every  effort  of  mine  has 
been  for  his  good  and  his  pleasure;  he  has  spit  upon 
me,  but  thank  fortune  most  people  do  not  know  of  it 
while  they  do  know  of  his  mean  little  soul, —  but 
there,  let  us  never  again  speak  of  this,  and  do  remem- 
ber that  above  all  things  you  must  bury  what  I  have 
told  you.  Lila,  do  not  tell  it." 

267 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

"  Tell  it !  Do  you  think  that  you  are  not  now  at 
that  stage  when  you  have  the  pity  of  everyone? 
Have  you  not  lived  like  a  boarder  in  his  house  and 
taken  his  abuse  until  there  are  those  who  think  you 
are  a  weak  imbecile,  and  who  do  not  respect  your 
amicability?  " 

''  Yes,  but  my  duty  lies  toward  meekness.  Not 
to  stand  pat  would  seem  a  crime  against  myself." 

"  Well,  all  I  can  say  is  that  the  divorce  court  would 
be  my  refuge  if  I  had  to  deal  with  what  you  do,  and 
I  would  be  more  able  to  cope  with  it  because  of  the 
difference  in  our  dispositions.  I  should  tell  him  to 
go  to  grass  in  a  way  that  would  hit  him  between  the 
eyes  with  a  new  sensation.  I  advise  you  to  have 
children, .  Kate ;  but  above  all,  get  all  the  money  out 
of  him  that  you  can ;  and  take  my  cue  and  boss  him, 
it's  the  only  way  to  hold  a  man.  A  woman  who 
treats  a  man  contemptuously  makes  him  believe  that 
she  is  a  queen. 

"  Now  I  must  go.  You  will  be  a  witness  at  my 
wedding,  won't  you,  '  Old  Ironclad  ?  '  Remember, 
twelve  o'clock  sharp  to-morrow,  at  St.  Christopher's 
Church,  and  thank  you  so  much." 

Rushing  back,  as  a  sudden  impulse  seized  her,  she 
said :  "  Wait  till  you  see  me  put  my  young  man 
through  his  paces.  He  has  lots  of  stuff  —  money, 
you  know,  and  I  shall  just  live  the  life  my  fancy  dic- 
tates, no  long  faces  for  me.  Wait  till  you  see  some 

268 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

of  my  clothes;  look  at  my  engagement  ring.  Can 
you  guess  anything  about  him  ?  Day,  day !  " 

After  closing  the  door  upon  Lila  I  hurried  back 
to  the  little  bedroom  off  the  parlor  where  Michaelo- 
vitch  lived,  for  when  not  asleep,  or  taking  his  meals 
he  always  sat  there  smoking,  with  a  brooding  ex- 
pression on  his  face.  We  rarely  spoke  to  each  other, 
for  his  absent-minded  manner,  together  with  increas- 
ing deafness  made  it  impossible  to  exchange  lively 
conversation  or  to  have  the  heart-to-heart  talks  that 
most  wives  enjoy  with  their  husbands.  Now,  as  was 
his  habit,  he  sat  quietly  smoking,  only  waiting  to  give 
me  the  scathingly  sarcastic  scolding  he  always  deemed 
necessary  to  give  me  upon  entering  his  presence.  As 
our  eyes  met  my  lips  closed  in  frozen  terror. 

He  began  his  tirade  against  me  by  saying:  "Is 
your  lover  gone?  You  surprise  me  by  letting  him 
go.  It's  strange  that  you  can  manage  to  spend  a 
little  time  with  me,  but,  one  thing  I  will  not  endure, 
that  is,  you  shall  not  disgrace  me  in  my  own  house. 
If  you  persist  in  this  sort  of  thing  you  may  pack  up 
and  leave  it  forever;  and  another  thing  you  must  not 
do  is  to  invite  those  two  men,  what's  their  names  ?  " 

"  Do  you  mean  Clifford  and  Larnard  ?  "  I  asked, 
familiarly  using  the  names  by  which  I  had  known 
them  since  childhood. 

"  There  you  go  again.  Can't  you  even  have 
enough  dignity,  in  my  presence  at  least,  to  talk  of 

269 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

men  as  you  should  instead  of  calling  them  by  their 
Christian  names?  To-morrow  we  shall  leave  to  go 
abroad.  Perhaps  in  other  surroundings  you  may  be 
hindered  from  making  a  spectacle  of  yourself.  Why 
you  should  be  so  ungrateful  to  a  man  who  is  as  good 
to  you  as  I  am,  is  unaccountable  to  me.  See  how 
you  have  traveled,  how  you  dress;  why,  you  never 
had  a  thing  till  you  married  me." 

Thus,  whatever  the  beginning  of  the  dispute  it 
nearly  always  ended  in  this  old  refrain.  The  first 
time  that  he  uttered  these  words  was  an  experience 
that  I  never  wish  to  live  through  again,  and  when- 
ever he  repeated  it  my  heart  prayed  to  spare  me  from 
doing  him  a  violence.  Could  I  still  persuade  myself 
to  pretend  a  love  for  him,  or  a  tenderness  that  might 
work  out  my  future  salvation?  We  must  all  have 
our  day.  Surely  mine  had  come;  perhaps  the  poison 
had  not  been  drunk  to  the  dregs  that  was  necessary 
before  I  could  hope.  What  line  of  action  would  be 
safest  with  a  man  all  suspicion? 

Now  the  miracle  was  revealed  to  me. 

The  problem  was  at  last  solved  that  any  bird  in  the 
air,  any  flower  that  bloomed,  the  stars  which  shine  or 
a  drop  of  water  that  ever  joined  the  eternal  ocean  could 
teach. 

A  companionship  where  sexual  magnetism  is  the 
unifying  process,  that  actually  makes  two  individuals 
one  entity  and  legalizes  the  union  as  well  as  the  re- 

270 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

creation  of  that  one-ship,  whether  so  acknowledged  by 
the  machinery  of  church,  or  state,  may  be  termed 
marriage. 

In  all  the  essentials  then  how  my  light  had  failed  - 
and  the  smoking  lamp  of  doubt  smirched  the  white 
page  whereon  was  written  the  pure  ideals  of  the  maid. 
How  easily  can  the  word  be  smudged  and  inexperience 
mis-spell  the  vital  word  marriage  and  not  know  that 
it  is  too  vile  a  word  to  mention ! 

I  envied  the  women  all  about  me  who  were  con- 
tented with  their  lot.  Why  could  not  things  satisfy 
me ;  why  could  not  wealth  take  the  place  of  that  some- 
thing that  made  a  gulf  between  us  across  which  we 
would  never  clasp  hands,  that  something  in  the  voice, 
the  eye,  that  hallowed  and  lightened  every  action  in 
the  day's  routine  that  otherwise  would  be  mean 
drudgery.  I  realized  that  men,  young  and  old,  are 
ridden  by  their  innate  selfishness.  The  great,  all- 
absorbing  fine  love  that  gives  itself  without  asking 
anything  in  return  seldom  comes  but  once,  and  few 
men  have  the  variety  of  character  or  genius  that  can 
thus  love.  Love, —  if  it  ever  called  to  me  I  would 
respond,  though  its  voice  should  come  from  the  other 
side  of  the  world.  It  takes  the  everlasting  changeable- 
ness  of  a  noble  woman  to  be  kind  to  the  whole  world 
and  it  is  a  faculty  too  near  divine  to  ever  ruin  society 
by  its  universality. 

The  following  day  I  determined  to  see  Clifford  and 
271 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

telephoned  him  with  the  hope  of  making  an  appoint- 
ment, but  his  man  said  he  was  not  at  home.  L^nable  to 
remain  longer  in  the  house  with  this  accustomed  nerv- 
ous fear  upon  me,  I  put  on  my  hat  and  went  out.  If 
only  Clifford  could  talk  to  me  or  tell  me  what  to  do, — 
yet,  what  was  there  to  do  ?  I  felt  that  I  was  standing 
on  a  quicksand  of  peril  that  might  engulf  me  at  any 
moment. 

While  walking  on,  with  this  dreadful  fore- 
boding at  my  heart,  I  recognized  the  quick,  springy 
step  of  Clifford  at  a  short  distance  away,  who  in  his 
towering  strength  was  making  straight  for  me,  and 
the  thought  of  how  happy  he  would  make  some 
woman  framed  itself  in  my  mind,  coupled  with  a 
regret  that  this  had  not  dawned  upon  me  when  it 
might  have  been  an  advantage  to  me. 

"  Come  with  me,  girlie,  for  a  long  walk,  for  which 
you  are  such  a  good  companion." 

The  tone  of  his  voice  alone  brought  cheer  to  a  sad 
heart.  Clifford's  personality  was  apt  to  elicit  a  con- 
fidence from  women,  which  made  him  particularly 
dangerous  to  their  happiness.  "  We  must  be  alone 
a  while,  Clifford,  for  you  must  give  me  advice  and 
comfort.  Some  day  you  may  have  to  give  me  legal 
aid,  but  if  you  now  could  only  help  me  regarding 
matters  between  my  husband  and  myself  it  would  be 
a  tremendous  favor." 

"  Come  to  my  office,  then,  any  time  you  appoint," 
272 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

he  said  in  a  cheery  voice  that  was  meant  to  disarm 
me. 

"  You  may  guess  how  I  dislike  to  go  to  your  office 
and  be  stared  at  and  wondered  over  by  all  those  young 
office  employes,  who  know  me  by  sight." 

"  Come  up  to  the  apartment,  then ;  no  one  will  see 
you,  that  is,  none  of  the  gossips  who  might  criticise 
you;  you  will  be  perfectly  free  from  being  overheard, 
too,  and  we  can  talk  to  any  length.  Come  up  now, 
and  see  if  we  can't  make  you  happier,  for  happiness 
certainly  should  be  your  share  in  life.  I  will  do  all  in 
my  power  to  help  you." 

Hot  flashes  of  remorse  passed  over  me  as  I  pushed 
the  button  of  the  automatic  elevator.  We  talked  glibly 
as  we  stood  on  the  threshold  of  his  bachelor  quarters 
and  entered.  He  looked  at  me  with  a  smile  as  he  took 
off  his  overcoat  and  offered  to  help  with  my  jacket. 

To  which  I  protested,  "  Let  us  just  go  in  this  ante- 
room, for  I  must  be  back  home  in  a  few  moments.  I 
can  not  stay  long." 

Michaelovitch  held  me  pinioned  as  a  fly  on  a  pin, 
yet  there  was  no  telling  what  my  efforts  to  free 
myself  might  not  accomplish.  With  the  contrariness 
of  his  choleric,  bilious  temperament,  abrupt  but  bold 
in  the  conception  of  a  project,  he  was  inflexible  and 
dauntless  in  its  execution  when  once  he  had  decided. 
Whether  he  divorced  me,  or  prevented  me  from 
divorcing  him,  he  would  surely  take  the  course  least 

273 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

agreeable  to  me.  The  weight  of  power  would  be  on 
his  side.  The  awful  odds  against  me  made  rny  life  a 
constant  game  the  excitement  of  which  daily  became 
more  alluring. 

When  Clifford  learned  of  the  conditions  of  my 
marriage  and  of  the  contract  he  said,  "  That  can  be 
broken,  the  court  would  see  the  injustice  of  it.  Surely 
we  can  arrange  all  that,  only  we  must  talk  it  over 
together.  It  would  be  a  long,  bitter  war,  and  your 
reputation  would  suffer  in  any  case,  but  the  fact  that 
he  has  so  flagrantly  taken  advantage  of  you,  and  a 
mean  one  at  that,  will  be  in  your  favor.  I  rather  ad- 
vise you  not  to  bring  suit  against  him  at  present  but 
to  try  bringing  him  into  a  proper  conception  of  what 
he  ought  to  do  for  you.  It  is  strange  that  a  man 
would  want  to  take  a  woman  in  so  badly  —  but  per- 
haps I  will  say  something  to  regret  if  I  keep  on,  for 
this  is  the  most  atrocious  thing  that  I  ever  knew ;  an 
old  man  with  the  disposition  to  make  you  suffer  every 
known  wrong,  not  giving  you  any  money,  and  above 
all,  this  last  insult.  It's  preposterous,  but  all  old  men 
are  so,  they  overreach  themselves  in  these  matters. 

"  Oh,  Kate,  why  did  you  do  it,  you  were  of  age 
and  you  must  have  known  that  if  you  sign  papers  there 
is  nothing  to  do  but  to  abide  by  the  results, —  there  is 
the  bell.  If  it  is  Larnard  you  had  better  go  into  this 
bedroom  and  wait,  for  there  is  only  this  one  door  out  of 
the  apartment.  Stay  there  till  I  call  you,  don't  make 

274 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

any  noise, —  sh !  "  It  was  Larnard.  Fearing  some 
other  intrusion  that  might  more  nearly  jeopardize  my 
reputation  I  fled  toward  the  door. 

"  Here,  here,"  cried  Clifford,  in  a  suppressed  but 
excited  whisper,  "  there  is  no  outlet  but  into  my 
private  office,  I  will  tell  you  when  they  are  gone." 

He  just  had  time  to  shut  the  door  and  straighten 
up  when  the  men,  who  were  old  boon  companions, 
entered,  and  I  sat  breathless  in  the  bedroom,  not  dar- 
ing to  move;  for  the  rustle  of  a  skirt,  a  cough  or  a 
sneeze  would  have  betrayed  me.  I  could  hear  dis- 
tinctly every  word  that  was  said.  As  a  prisoner  one 
is  not,  perhaps,  a  self-imposed  eavesdropper,  but 
they  soon  began  to  gossip  and  when  they  mentioned 
my  name  I  listened  intently  in  order  to  catch  every 
word,  though  it  did  not  take  very  long  for  me  to 
feel  guiltily  wrong  in  my  curiosity  to  know  what  was 
said;  especially  when  I  soon  discovered  that  I  could 
see  every  motion,  even  every  expression  on  the  faces 
of  these  men  reflected  in  a  mirror  set  in  the  wall  op- 
posite the  door  connecting  the  two  rooms,  the  tran- 
som of  which  hung  at  the  exact  angle  to  take  in  that 
portion  of  the  room. 


275 


CHAPTER  XXVI 

Wild  wedlock,  and  the  lusts  that  bleat  and  low, 
And  marriage  -fodder sniffed  about  by  kine." 

—  Swinburne. 


''/^LIFFORD,  have  you  any  brandy  to  hand  a 
^-^  man?"   asked   Larnard   as   he  flung  himself 
into  "  the  smoker,"  as  they  called  the  largest  arm- 
chair of  the  apartment. 

"  Of  course,  I  have,"  replied  Clifford. 
"  Well,  please  give  me  a  pony,  quick." 

"  It's  good  to  have  you  sitting  by, 
Old  man,  to  prove  the  world  no  botch; 
To  shame  the  Devil  with  your  eye, 
And  —  pass  the  Scotch." 

Quoted  Clifford  and  added,  "  You  are  not  yourself, 
old  chap,  you  are  worrying  about  something,  surely 
there  is  no  truth  in  this  story  about  a  marriage  that  I 
have  heard  whispered.  You,  above  all  people,  are  not 
going  to  be  commonplace  and  stick  your  head  in  a 
matrimonial  noose  at  this  stage  of  the  game,  and  at 
your  time  of  life?  Besides,  if  any  contracts  hold 

276 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

good  surely  ours  ought  to,  for  we  have  led  this 
bachelor,  bacchanalian  life  now  for  —  well,  say  a  few 
years,  that  have  been  marked  by  supreme  satisfac- 
tion to  both  of  us.  What  does  this  sudden  rush 
mean?  Just  contemplate,  what  would  happen  if  one 
of  us  married?  Why,  old  man,  you  put  a  face  on 
you  that  would  draw  a  smile  out  of  a  Dutch  gar- 
goyle," laughed  Clifford,  trying  to  conceal  the  sadness 
in  his  heart  at  the  thought  of  parting  from  his  friend, 
yet  before  whom  he  was  determined  to  appear  con- 
tent. "  But  who  is  she,  old  man  ?  I  thought  you 
could  never  love  any  girl  but  dear  Old  Ironclad,  whom 
we  all  wanted  to  marry." 

"  Why  couldn't  Ironclad  have  taken  one  or  the 
other  of  us,  then  we  could  all  three  have  lived  to- 
gether in  a  nest  that  would  have  put  any  dovecot  to 
shame  by  comparison.  But  Cliff,  do  you  ever  think 
of  marrying,  have  you  ever  seen  any  girl  other  than 
Ironclad  you  thought  you  could  love?" 

"  No,  Larnard,  you  go  your  way,  I  shall  not  marry 
now  or  ever;  someway  it  seems  to  me  to  be  my  con- 
scientious duty  to  be  a  sort  of  guardian  to  Ironclad, 
for  if  her  hot-headed,  impulsive  nature  is  once  roused, 
no  man  can  predict  the  end.  She  is  no  more  married 
to  that  man,  in  the  true  sense  of  the  word,  than  a  zebra 
may  truthfully  be  said  to  be  mated  to  a  horse.  She  is 
stabled  with  Michaelovitch,  who  is  a  good  enough  fel- 
low in  his  way,  with  social  position  that  she  thought 

277 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

would  accrue  to  great  advantage  to  her.  But  she  sees 
her  hopes  crumble  one  after  the  other  in  the  iron, 
aggressive  hand  of  her  master;  while  she  is  subjected 
to  his  penurious  nature  that  counts  the  cost  of  every- 
thing in  a  miserly  way,  and  his  cruelty  in  subjecting 
her  to  his  capriciousness,  together  with  the  Cossack 
neglect  and  unconcern  of  a  man  who  stops  short  of 
nothing  if  it  will  increase  his  own  advantage.  With 
her  temperament,  she  will  grow  desperate  and  there  is 
no  knowing  what  she  will  do.  Her  parents  are  too 
credulous  in  believing  what  is  told  them  by  their 
daughter,  whose  pride  enables  her  to  lie  by  saying  that 
she  is  happy.  I  have  constituted  myself  her  watchdog, 
let  her  husband  touch  her  if  he  dare.  But  you  have 
not  yet  told  me  about  this  new  crime  of  yours.  What 
will  they  say  about  it  at  the  club  when  they  hear  of 
your  self-annihilation?  " 

"  Oh,  they  are  all  too  busy  now  talking  about  my 
putting  Tamora  Second  in  to-morrow's  race.  But 
the  two  year  old  promises  great  things,  selling  five 
furlongs,  but  the  races  are  not  what  is  bothering  me. 
I  am  in  a  devil  of  a  row  with  Nina  because  of  this 
matrimonial  venture,  as  if  that  of  itself  was  not 
enough  for  one  time.  With  her  retriever  instinct  she 
makes  it  very  uncomfortable  for  me,  yes,  by  Jove,  or 
would  for  any  man  with  any  independence!  How 
she  gets  at  the  facts  in  my  life  is  a  wonder,  for  she 
does  not  see  anyone  but  me,  and  I  surely  never  tell 

278 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

her  anything.  What  fools  these  women  are  to  think 
because  we  cannot  always  be  in  their  arms  lisping 
love-talk  that  we  are  to  blame  for  all  their  troubles. 
How  to  get  the  pelf  to  live  upon  they  think  is  solved 
in  Heaven.  I  have  sold  most  of  my  pictures  and 
plate  and  no  one  knows  or  could  imagine  the  straits 
I  am  now  in  to  procure  a  few  paltry  dollars  to  settle 
my  necessary  debts.  Marriage  is  my  last  resource 
and  it  is  as  distasteful  to  me  as  it  is  to  Nina.  I  never 
saw  a  woman  care  as  much  as  she  does,  poor  little 
thing;  she  really  does  love  me,  she  calls  me  absurd 
pet  names  and  has  a  special  mode  of  her  own  in  the 
flattery  line  that  is  yet  to  have  its  like  chronicled. 

"  Nina  is  a  fetching,  quiet,  lovable  little  girl  and  I 
do  not  want  to  be  dogged  mean,  but  it  has  to  come. 
She  says  that  I  haven't  a  conscience,  it  were  a  God's 
mercy  if  I  had  not.  I  have  choked  it  off  enough,  and 
I  have  treated  all  my  women  well.  Nina  has  been  kept 
in  good  style  and  now  she  figMs  like  a  tiger,  or  as 
though  she  were  a  thankless  child.  Women  make  all 
the  trouble  in  the  world ;  wife  or  mistress,  they  are 
all  alike.  They  make  a  mistake  in  not  improving 
their  variety  or  making  themselves  more  companion- 
able, then  we  would  be  accessible  for  reform." 

At  this  juncture  Larnard  looked  at  his  immaculate 
linen,  his  dress  suit  just  from  Pool's  (a  dress  suit 
has  a  language  of  its  own),  the  patent  leather  pumps, 
openwork  silk  stockings,  the  priceless  pearls  in  his 

279 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

shirt  bosom,  and  the  contemplation  reassured  him. 
In  a  quandary  he  contemplated  the  manicuring  of  his 
nails. 

"Are  you  exactly  a  competent  judge  of  that?" 
asked  Clifford,  naively.  "  Look  at  Ironclad,  for  in- 
stance, where  do  you  get  another  like  her?  If  you 
read  fifty-two  volumes  of  Balzac  and  George  Eliot 
and  tumbled  their  heroines  together  you  would  throw 
them  aside  as  inadequate  to  describe  her,  eh?  She  is 
capable  of  making  a  dupe  of  a  man,  which  is  not  com- 
mendable, but  I  would  bet  on  her  every  time." 

"  Yes,  Ironclad  is  a  species  of  Amazon,  a  sort  of 
social  caryatides  impossible  in  the  ordinary  drawing- 
room  sense,  but  for  that  reason  all  the  more  fasci- 
nating." 

"  You  see,  Lar,  you  are  not  the  proper  person  to 
make  statements  about  women,  for  you  do  not  allow 
them  to  give  out  their  finest  points  to  you.  Women 
are  finely  discriminating.  The  purest  woman  can 
delude  you  into  thinking  her  bad,  if  necessary,  while 
a  bad  woman  can  play  the  propriety  act  best  of  all. 
Few  of  them  have  brains,  if  they  did  the  race  would 
become  extinct  and  the  command  of  the  Lord  would 
fall  flat.  A  woman  does  not  need  to  learn  a  man  by 
rote,  she  divines  him  before  he  has  found  out  what  her 
name  is.  It's  a  mixture  of  God  and  the  Devil  in 
them  that  makes  the  Nina  class  so  palatable,  just  as 
some  of  us  like  vinegar  sweetened  in  our  salad.  Not 

280 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

in  love  with  a  man,  a  woman  sees  through  him  as  ef- 
fectually as  if  this  solid  flesh  was  but  a  misty  veil 
that  fell  over  his  soul  merely  as  a  remedy  to  an  evil, 
not  as  an  actual  barrier,  for  some  of  us  would  hardly 
court  the  possibility  of  wearing  our  souls  naked  be- 
fore the  world ;  some  of  them  would  be  a  '  leetle ' 
ghastly  for  the  drawing-room,  eh  ?  "  He  took  a  pull 
at  the  brandy  and  soda  before  he  added,  "  For  the 
best  of  men  is  a  man  at  the  best." 

There  were  a  few  moments  of  silence.  Clifford 
smoked  harder  than  ever,  before  he  began  again,  in 
a  manner  as  though  about  to  demonstrate  a  difficult 
problem  in  Euclid  to  a  newly  matriculated  student: 
"  It's  this  way,  a  girl  is  not  allowed  by  society  to  make 
the  choice,  and  as  long  as  conventional  society  insists 
upon  one  brand  a  large  per  cent,  of  men  will  cut  loose 
from  their  trammels.  If  a  wroman  could  be  a  human 
octopus  with  possibilities  to  meet  more  emergencies, 
instead  of  simply  looking  at  life  with  the  business 
proposition  of  marriage  as  an  occupation,  we  men 
would  be  far  more  inclined  to  fall  in  line  with  the 
respectable  element.  Look  at  Ironclad,  how  she  saw 
the  world  first  and  then  settled  down  with  the  hand- 
cuffs upon  her  wrists  and  that  one-sided  old  bear  lock- 
ing up  her  sunny  nature  in  his  ice-bound  conservatism. 
The  decorations  on  his  breast  were  more  to  her  than 
his  heart.  It  was  just  like  him  to  retire  from  diplo- 
matic circles  when  he  married  so  that  he  could  lock 

281 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

her  up  as  he  would  a  jewel,  to  prevent  her  from  enter- 
ing a  world  that  would  fit  her  personality  like  a  glove. 
He  will  gloat  over  this  exclusive  possession  of  her  for 
a  while,  then  they  will  both  tire  of  each  other  under 
their  strained  relations  as  his  surveillance  becomes  more 
and  more  police  duty,  when  I  predict  a  worse  explosive 
than  Russian  dynamite  will  destroy  that  family.  Do 
you  remember  what  I  said  to  you  when  I  first  met  her? 
There  is  an  aristocrat,  exquisitely  bred  but  over-edu- 
cated ;  her  refinement  is  too  fine  for  society,  so  she  will 
either  retire  from  its  vulgarity  or  enter  it  to  lead  in  the 
worst  phases  of  its  vices. 

"  In  this  Donnybrook  of  bad  men,"  said  Clifford, 
"  women  are  all  angels  with  a  moral  pulchritude 
which  is  a  stickler  for  you,  who  aim  at  a  woman  as 
though  she  were  Siva  the  destroyer,  and,  as  we  abhor 
those  whom  we  have  injured,  you  treat  women  with 
prurient  injustice,  a  dangerous  defect,  but  a  com- 
mon one.  I  believe  there  is  nothing  more  material 
than  a  thought,  a  thought  is  a  terrible  tribunal,  for 
we  are  constantly  affecting  others,  or  being  affected 
by  the  thoughts  or  hypnotic  influences  of  those  with 
whom  we  come  in  intimate  contact." 

"  Yes,"  said  Larnard,  "  and  we  see  strange  effects 
wrought  by  a  magic  hard  to  account  for,  there  are 
degrees  of  magnetism,.  If  there  ever  was  a  current 
that  affected  me  more  than  another  it  was  that  light- 
ning conductor  Ironclad,  and  to  think  of  her  beautiful 

282 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

body  thrown  on  that  ash  heap  of  Russian  depravity. 
If  a  noble  and  nude  antique  work  of  art,  taken  from 
Greece,  had  been  brought  here  to  be  remodelled  in 
modern  clay  exuded  from  Heaven,  or  the  abysses  of 
Hell,  then  animated  with  life  and  rigged  out  in  gew- 
gaws which  she  neither  values  nor  needs  to  enhance 
her  beauty,  it  could  not  exceed  the  beauty  of  dear  Old 
Ironclad." 

"  By  the  gods,  Larnard,  you  have  it  worse  than  any 
of  us,"  said  Clifford. 

"  No,  but  there  is  something  about  her  that  bites 
into  a  man  like  a  beast  and  won't  let  go.  How  I  am 
ever  to  forget  her  God  knows,  and  the  strange  part 
of  it  is  that  the  very  presence  of  my  fiancee  cuts  her 
sweet  image  into  my  heart  deeper  by  the  very  con- 
trast to  the  inane  face  of  my  bride  to  be,  with  those 
passionate  eyes,  full  of  feeling  and  sympathy,  enough 
for  a  thousand  women.  When  I  see  and  realize  how 
instinctive,  or  animal,  or  mercenary,  love  is  unless 
connected  with  some  fine  or  generous  impulse,  I  am 
sure  that  without  such  influence  it  will  lead  a  man  to 
hell." 

"  Larnard,  if  you  feel  this  way  what  will  be  the 
outcome  if,  as  you  say,  the  mere  momentary  satisfac- 
tion is  a  delusion.  Have  you  thought  of  all  this  in 
regard  to  this  hasty  marriage  of  yours?" 

"  Cliff,  old  pal,"  said  Larnard,  as  he  leaned  over  in  a 
deeply  confidential  manner  begotten  of  much  brandy 

283 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

and  soda,  "  I  have  a  great  deal  to  regret  but  I  shall 
not  worry  about  it.  Money  is  a  sponge  that  washes 
away  many  a  bitter  recollection  from  the  slate  that 
tabulates  a  man's  score  with  women.  However,  this 
moralizing  does  no  good,  I  feel  as  tired  as  if  I  had 
been  sawing  wood.  If  you  continue  to  have  this 
effect  upon  me  my  high  prelate  must  do  the  work  him- 
self, not  discharge  his  duties  onto  pontifical  shoulders, 
for  I  can  see  the  purple  reflection  over  my  clothes  of 
your  high  church,  pre-lenten  ideas." 

"  As  you  are  about  to  be  married,  arguments 
naturally  come  to  mind  that  make  us  each  use  the 
other  as  a  confessional.  The  deuce  though,  with 
your  success  among  women,  to  yoke  yourself  for  life 
to  one.  Well,  my  next  party  will  be  your  hymeneal 
banquet.  Wish  you  joy  and  a  honeymoon  that  I 
hope  may  last  forever." 

"  A  day,  you  might  say,  for  we  shall  have  to  be 
together  constantly  and  how  the  devil  I  shall  ever 
pull  through  is  a  quandary,  for  if  my  wife  is  anything 
like  my  bride-elect  she  will  be  a  last  chapter  in  an  un- 
interesting book.  She  isn't  like  Ironclad,  who  is  a 
girl  off  whom  moods  drip  as  dew  off  a  rose,  all  full  of 
perfume  and  summer,  with  her  lusty,  passionate 
youth." 

Both  men  were  silent,  ashamed,  in  a  measure,  of 
this  constantly  recurring  thought  about  a  woman 

284 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

whom  neither  had  any  right  whatever  to  cherish  in 
his  heart  in  exactly  this  way,  let  alone  to  discuss. 
Clifford  picked  up  an  edition  de  luxe  from  the  table, 
conspicuous  for  its  white  binding  and  gold  lettering. 
"  This  is  her  new  book,  which  you  have  not  seen,  listen 
to  this : 

"  '  The  very  richest  prize  that  a  man  can  have  is 
a  woman  who  loves  him  so  that  in  fact  she  is  a  very 
part  of  him;  that  their  lives  become  not  only  a  beat- 
ing of  two  hearts  in  unison,  but  that  her  very  being 
is  entombed  within  his.  The  man  may  bruise  her 
soul  till  it  aches,  she  only  calls  it  a  delight,  a  love 
pang.' 

"  Think  of  a  woman  who  could  write  that,  who 
was  born  in  the  sun  at  some  fervent  moment  when 
two  souls  fluttering  in  golden  ether  kissed  and  con- 
ceived, being  bound  to  an  iron  mask  like  Michaelo- 
vitch.  Think  what  she  is  suffering;  think  how  her 
conscience  must  lash  her,  she  who  has  lived  in  dreams 
finally  to  awaken  to  such  a  reality.  But,  how  roman- 
tically silly  we  are  and  what  tommy-rot  we  talk." 

"  The  viaticum  of  marriage  is  resignation.  I  sup- 
pose she  has  learned  that  lesson,  as  everyone  else 
does  in  the  world  who  marries." 

"  Lar,  I  would  like  to  see  this  woman  who  can  be 
so  foolhardy  as  to  give  herself  into  your  keeping,  old 
boy.  It  seems  strange  to  me  that  you  want  to  be 

285 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

de-oxygenized  so  soon,  for  no  one  can  predict  what 
is  in  store  for  a  man  when  once  he  is  started  on  the 
marriage  toboggan." 

"  Well,  be  that  as  it  may,  to  my  mind  we  have 
drooled  over  the  question  long  enough  and  I  must  go, 
for  Cornie  telephoned  me  to  meet  him  at  the  club, 
so,  good-bye,  old  chap." 

Clifford  sat  with  a  lingering  smile  on  his  face, 
satisfied  with  himself  that  he  was  not  so  foolish  as 
to  want  a  woman  to  set  up  his  Penates  for  him. 
He  wanted  to  feel  that  some  woman  was  willing  to 
eliminate  herself  in  him,  but  he  knew  his  own  mind 
and  decided  that  to  marry  her  would  be  to  destroy  the 
illusion;  it  would  be  too  much  like  putting  a  bird  to 
roast  with  its  plumage  on.  "  Marriage  is  the  funeral 
pyre  of  a  woman's  soul,"  he  thought.  Suddenly  he 
was  aroused  from  his  revery  by  the  opening  of  the 
door  and  he  looked  up  to  see  his  old  friend  Walter 
Wibur,  whom  he  supposed  was  still  in  India. 

"Clifford,"  said  Walter,  after  their  greeting,  "I 
have  just  come  home  from  my  tour  abroad  and  the 
first  thing  I  heard  of  was  Kate's  marriage  to  that 
old  reprobate,  that  sweet  smelling  moralist,  that  smil- 
ing diplomat,  high  in  social  position  and  old  in  years. 
Cliff,  for  God's  sake,  why  didn't  you  stop  it;  why 
didn't  some  of  you  make  her  see  what  she  was  doing, 
or  why  didn't  you  let  me  know  about  it  ?  Her  nature 
has  idealized  him,  it  would  be  impossible  for  her  to 

286 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

imagine  him.  Oh,  how  he  will  tramp  her  in  the  dust 
with  -his  iron  heel.  Can't  you  see  it,  or  won't  you 
see  it?  Why  couldn't  she  have  married  any  one  of 
us,  for  any  of  us  would  have  made  her  happy?  "  and 
he  buried  his  face  in  his  hands  as  though  to  shut  out 
the  awful  picture  that  his  excited  mind  had  painted. 
Clifford's  friends  were  always  coming  to  him  with 
their  griefs,  for  most  of  his  friends  knew  that  his 
soft  heart  buried  many  a  secret  that  would  go  to  the 
grave  with  him  unrevealed. 

"  Why,  Walter,  sit  down,  one  would  think  you 
were  dictating  the  latest  war  news  from  a  besieged 
city.  There  will  be  plenty  of  time.  We  have  all 
been  staunch  old  friends  of  Ironclad,  but  the  man 
who  interferes  with,  or  criticises,  a  girl's  marriage 
simply  kicks  against  the  pricks,  hurting  himself  and 
doing  no  good  to  the  girl.  You  know  the  old  say- 
ing about  '  If  a  woman  wills ; '  etc.  Further  than  that 
the  Bible  proclaims  how  even  God  fails  to  interfere, 
as  the  story  of  our  sweet  fallen  Eve  will  testify. 
Man  has  ever  been  gulled  by  woman;  now,  be  a  man 
and  don't  cry  over  spilled  milk,  or  a  married  woman, 
it's  all  the  same." 

"  But,  Clifford,  she  is  so  young  and  pure  at  heart ; 
didn't  we  all  worship  her  for  that  ?  Can  she  possibly 
fall  to  the  slimy  depths  into  which  he  will  take  her? 
I  can  picture  her  prodded  to  madness  by  his  neglect, 
jealousy,  incapacity  and  penuriousness.  Her  mind 

287 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

is  so  superior  to  his  that  she  cannot  conceive  of  the 
degradation  into  which  she  may  fall." 

"  For  God's  sake,  hush  up,  man,  for  you  have 
stirred  up  the  embers  of  a  lot  of  thoughts  that  are 
smouldering  in  my  own  breast,"  said  Clifford  as  he 
sank  back  in  his  chair,  with  his  drooping  body  col- 
lapsed in  utter  dejection,  and  I  saw  a  greenish  pallor 
overspread  his  fine  features  as  he  said  hoarsely ;  "  No, 
it  should  not  have  been,  but  we  men  could  do  nothing 
against  a  woman's  determination  to  take  the  one 
solemn  step  of  her  life." 

"  No,  Cliff,  but  why  is  it  that  we  all  feel  that  some 
tragedy  has  been  enacted  before  our  eyes?" 

As  I  heard  these  men  speak  of  me  in  this  way  I 
realized  that  they  had  been  as  strangers  to  me,  and 
that  I  now  looked  upon  their  real  selves  for  the  first 
time. 

"  Here,  my  boy,  cheer  up  and  take  a  bracer,  think 
no  more  about  it.  Women  are  all  puzzles;  Balzac 
says  they  are  all  liars;  we  thought  to  have  our  queen 
with  us  always,  a  selfish  idea  for  a  lot  of  inconse- 
quential club  dwellers  like  ourselves.  Joy  be  to  her, 
drink  deep  and  long." 

At  this  Clifford  filled  up  the  glasses  from  which 
they  drank  bumpers  of  brandy  without  looking  at  each 
other,  for  Walter  seemed  keenly  ashamed  of  his  emo- 
tion as  he  made  an  excuse  for  his  hurried  departure. 
I  could  imagine  him  rushing,  with  that  imperturbable, 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

headstrong  stride  of  his,  amid  the  crowds  of  people 
who  all  wore  their  usual  stolid  street  expression. 
Walter's  great  jaw,  set  like  a  bulldog's,  his  huge  shoul- 
ders and  towering  height  made  him  always  a  notice- 
able figure,  but  my  sympathy  could  never,  I  knew, 
lessen  a  misery  that  I  shrank  from  ever  again  con- 
templating. 

Clifford,  at  last  left  alone,  sat  still  in  the  light,  look- 
ing like  a  grim,  pale  statue,  and  I  knew  we  would  each, 
now  hesitate,  in  meeting  one  another. 

Opening  the  door  and  coming  into  the  room  I  whis- 
pered, "  They  have  all  gone  now  and  I  must  hurry 
home,  too.  With  such  a  narrow  escape  as  this  how 
dare  I  ever  come  again  ?  "  I  asked  of  Clifford,  to  which 
he  replied : 

"  Never  again  will  this  happen.  I  will  arrange  it 
so  that  we  will  be  as  secluded  as  if  in  the  desert. 
The  first  plunge  is  the  worst  and  now  that  we  have 
had  a  scare  it  will  be  easier." 

"  Good-bye,  Clifford,  I  will  send  the  papers,  or 
come  with  them  myself.  Good-bye,  till  to-morrow." 

I  hurried  home,  my  heart  filled  with  excitement  at 
having  overheard  three  men  who  were  my  cham- 
pions praise  me  behind  my  back  in  this  generous 
and  splendid  manner,  which  gave  me  a  new  joy  un- 
hinted  at  in  all  my  life  before.  To  be  well  thought 
of  and  to  find  that  my  position  did  not  lower  me  in 
their  eyes  made  my  blood  fairly  tingle  with  delight. 

289 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

In  my  desert  loneliness,  a  beautiful  oasis  had  suddenly 
sprouted  into  existence  as  I  had  discovered  that  three 
of  my  oldest  friends  stood  by  me  with  such  whole- 
souled  determination.  While  sinking  in  a  slough  of 
despond,  suddenly  there  came  the  sunshine  and  the 
safety  of  genuine  friendship.  Now  I  should  fear 
nothing,  and,  as  I  entered  into  my  husband's  presence 
with  a  smile  of  real  happiness  to  meet  his  glowering 
looks  and  usual  question  of  "  Where  have  you  been?  " 
I  seemed  to  have  a  new  prop  towards  independence 
in  which  there  was  a  feeling  of  safety,  and  my  an- 
swer was  not  fraught  with  the  old  terror  as  I  an- 
swered, "  I  was  just  out  for  a  walk,  dearie."  The 
tone  of  this,  with  an  accompanying  kiss  reassured 
him,  for  he  replied : 

"  I  thought  maybe  you  were  in  mischief  as  you 
did  not  say  where  you  were  going.  You  had  better 
pack  up,  for  I  expect  to  sail  for  Europe  the  latter 
part  of  the  week." 

What  would  I  do  now?  At  my  first  opportunity  I 
telephoned  Clifford  that  we  were  obliged  to  sail  for 
Europe  and  would  likely  remain  in  Paris;  to  which 
he  replied,  that  he  thought  of  going  over  there  him- 
self as  he  had  business  that  had  to  be  attended  to 
immediately.  I  was  glad  that  he  could  not  see  my 
face  as  he  said  this,  and  I  sent  up  a  prayer  that  the 
inventor  of  that  lover's  salvation,  the  telephone,  might 
have  special  license  in  Heaven  to  the  last  Eternity. 

290 


CHAPTER  XXVII 

"  Passionate  particles  of  dust  and  sun, 
Run  your  brief  race,  nor  ask  why  it  is  run  — 
We  are  but  shadow  pictures,  voices,  dreams, 
Perchance  they  make  and  break  us  —  just  for  fun.' 


'  1  ^HE  excitement  of  getting  ready  for  so  long  a 
•*•  journey  took  away  some  of  the  embarrassing 
features  of  our  lack  of  desire  to  have  communication 
with  each  other,  and  the  affectionate  demonstration 
or  the  light  banter  engendered  by  real  companion- 
ship. 

Clifford  came  to  see  us  off,  and  to  my  great  sur- 
prise Michaelovitch,  when  shaking  hands  with  him 
said,  "  Write  to  us,  young  man,  and  when  you  come 
across  drop  in  to  see  us.  I  shall  rent  a  hotel  in  the 
Champs  Elysees,  but  we  will  not  entertain  or  go  in 
for  that  sort  of  thing  at  all,  but  just  receive  a  few 
old  friends,  like  yourself." 

This  good  humor  on  the  part  of  my  husband,  who 
rarely  showed  any  civility  to  anyone  outside  his  field 
of  diplomacy,  encouraged  me  to  add  to  his  invitation : 
"  We  shall  take  particular  pains  to  admonish  you  if 

291 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

you  show  the  white  feather  by  retreating  into  your 
old  bachelor  shell." 

There  are  always  the  regulation  types  that  sail  on 
every  ship  to  the  other  side.  There  is  the  family  tak- 
ing its  first  trip;  the  old  man  checking  off  his  seven- 
teenth time  across;  the  giddy  young  wife  of  the 
irascible  old  man;  the  group  of  American  girls  just 
out  of  school  chaperoned  by  a  teacher;  the  flirtatious 
bachelor  and  the  prim  old  maid;  the  man  who  never 
takes  his  eyes  off  a  book  and  the  man  who  is  always 
taking  exercise,  or  the  braggadocio  at  the  table,  who 
monopolizes  conversation,  and,  of  course,  the  gambler 
who  works  the  habitues  of  the  smoking-room.  Then, 
there  is  always  a  pair  or  two  of  lovers  on  board, 
whether  young  or  old,  and  they  particularly  accentu- 
ated on  this  voyage,  it  seemed  to  me,  the  horrible 
emptiness  of  my  life.  The  spooning  young  bride  and 
groom,  with  their  adoration  and  youthful  exuberance, 
were  innocent  objects  of  my  jealousy. 

Could  there  be  any  more  hope  now,  I  would  ask 
myself  as  the  silent,  deserted  deck  would  attract  me  at 
night  to  sit  alone  with  my  thoughts.  Would  we  two 
be  obliged  to  live  together  through  all  the  long  years 
of  our  lives  with  this  jealousy  that  put  its  iron  heel  so 
miserably  in  our  happiness?  Oh,  no,  the  landslide  of 
fate  takes  away  any  possibility  of  making  a  fixture  of 
one's  destiny.  Patience  —  a  life  of  usefulness  alone 
can  bring  happiness  as  it  comes  from  within.  Aim  at, 

292 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

clutch  hold  of  the  good,  and  drive  away  these  grinning, 
horrible  ghosts  that  whispered  their  dread  secrets  in 
my  ears  waking  or  sleeping,  and  who  would  have  me 
do  their  bidding.  No,  only  the  unselfish  could  acquire 
peace  of  mind,  and  my  whole  soul  was  ground  down 
by  the  quest  of  that  which  is  illusive, —  and  in  spite 
of  myself  the  thought  of  Clifford  would  come  to 
my  mind;  he  "would  help  me  against  myself.  He 
had  depths  of  character  unrevealed,  even  unacknowl- 
edged by  himself.  The  one  fane  in  which  he  had 
bestowed  his  most  consecrated  secret  —  love,  a  pure 
sweet  love  that  my  hard  nature  had  not  appreciated 
when  it  was  offered,  was  now  sealed.  The  delicacy 
of  his  attitude  toward  me  ever  since  did  more  toward 
making  me  feel  what  he  might  have  been  to  me  than 
any  other  thing.  For,  no  matter  what  would  be  his 
lure  in  the  future,  whether  all  unworthy  or  no,  he 
would  have  been  as  a  Greek,  who  kneels  to  the  most 
distant  God,  because  his  very  nature  was  to  worship 
what  was  farthest  removed.  In  every  man's  life  there 
are  hidden  chambers  of  which  he  does  not  allow  even 
his  own  soul  to  be  intrusive.  As  I  sat  in  my  chair 
listening  to  the  steady  hiss  and  swish  of  the  waves  in 
the  still  dark  nights,  all  these  thoughts  came  upon  me 
as  a  soothing  dew  falls  upon  a  parched  rose  after  the 
glare  of  noonday. 

Some  women  would  have  fawned  a  pretended  pas- 
sion upon  a  man  like  Michaelovitch ;  they  would  have 

293 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

flattered  his  vanity  and  won  from  his  pride  a  certain 
recognition,  but  his  mercenary  nature  that  wished  to 
parade  me  as  a  "  belonging "  and  made  me  sensitive 
beyond  belief  caused  me  to  withdraw  my  antennae 
in  alarm.  No,  it  was  as  impossible  to  make  a  public 
exhibition  of  a  feeling  that  did  not  spring  from  my 
heart  as  to  force  an  appetite  that  had  already  been 
satiated.  My  moral  nature  was  impregnable  to  the 
thought  of  such  a  form  of  prostitution. 

Thoughts  of  Clifford  were  beginning  to  be  per- 
sistent. He  was  too  timid  in  the  matter  of  self- 
assertion  ever  to  compromise  me,  which  gave  me  a 
satisfaction  that  a  hot-headed  pursuit  would  have 
rendered  impossible,  if  it  would  not,  as  in  the  other 
cases,  have  rendered  necessary  the  breaking  off  of 
the  acquaintance  entirely;  for  I  had  not  yet  reached 
the  stage  of  European  propriety  standards  of  married 
women  and  their  lovers.  Affection  from  my  husband 
was  assuredly  denied  me,  but  the  game  of  life  is  so 
difficult  in  that  regard  that  few  there  are  who  receive 
the  highest  prize.  We  love,  or  are  loved,  but  we  sel- 
dom have  both  for  long.  It  was  all  a  very  romantic 
subject  to  dream  about. 

The  truth  was  leaking  out  of  our  marital  unequal 
match,  for  Lila  had  written  a  steamer  letter  to  me  in 
which  she  spread  a  tone  of  pretended  friendship  over 
her  exultation  at  my  foolishness,  as  she  expressed  it, 
in  marrying  a  foreigner.  Women  give  a  Friendship 

294 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

that  is  often  a  pretense,  as  one  will  give  a  dog  a 
poisoned  bone.  What  bitter  tears,  what  fierce  re- 
sentment this  letter  caused,  what  new  hatred  in  my 
heart  against  the  man  who  could  deliberately  lay  his 
hand  upon  me  to  destroy  me!  Can  a  woman  ever 
really  learn  to  love  the  man  who  must  only  be  the 
master  to  lead  her  by  a  chain?  Ugh!  How  to  take 
.his  throttling  hands  off  my  throat;  how  to  come  away 
from  his  evil  nature  that  was  corrupting  my  heart, 
and  how  to  rid  myself  of  hate,  revenge,  infidelity 
even,  for  did  I  not  wish  with  all  my  soul  for  Clifford's 
sympathy,  did  not  his  glance  make  me  happy? 

Bosh,  what  a  lot  of  useless  thoughts!  What  did 
they  mean?  Could  they  buy  bread,  or  clothes,  let 
alone  yachts  or  automobiles?  What  could  sympathy, 
or  love  be  to  me  now,  or  why  should  I  so  everlast- 
ingly chafe  against  a  choice  I  had  deemed  wisdom? 
Clifford  was  possessed  of  the  New  England  con- 
science that  cannot  abide  swerving  an  iota  from  the 
plumb-line  of  rectitude  marked  out  for  it  by  a  long 
line  of  ancestry,  and  neighborly  adjustment  of 
morality.  Would  he  retreat  into  his  shell,  only  to 
add  a  zero  to  a  blank  page?  Would  he  scorn  me  if 
he  should  ever  suspect  the  truth  that  was  dawning 
on  me  day  by  day?  He  was  not  the  kind  to  show 
the  white  feather  by  agreeing  with  a  consensus  of 
opinion  about  any  other  subject  in  the  world  than 
that  of  women;  how  would  it  be  with  that  one? 

295 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

"  No  one  would  ever  give  Clifford  credit  for  striv- 
ing with  an  attack  of  well  regulated  conscience," 
Larnard  had  once  said  to  me,  but  Clifford's  conscience 
was  the  great  tribunal  before  which  my  little  culprit 
heart  now  quailed  in  an  agony  of  suspense.  Off  in  a 
sadly  neglected,  cobwebby  corner  of  my  mind  where 
once  had  sat  in  dignified  pomp  my  ideal  lover,  there 
was  beginning  to  appear  something  tangible  that  any 
day  might  grow  to  be  an  overmastering  love  for  Clif- 
ford. This  instant  that  thing  must  be  choked,  and 
thrown  down  to  Lethe. 

"  Come,  come,"  said  the  gruff  voice  of  my  husband 
at  my  side.  "  Don't  make  yourself  ridiculous  by  stay- 
ing out  here  all  alone.  You  do  like  to  be  theatrical 
and  inspire  criticism;  why  can't  you  have  some  con- 
sideration for  me  before  these  people  ? "  So  we 
went  below. 

The  miserable  journey  finally  ended  and  we  settled 
in  Paris  without  delay.  As  it  was  out  of  season  and 
we  did  not  entertain  I  was  much  alone.  He  habitu- 
ally fell  asleep  just  after  dinner,  which  was  a  simple 
meal,  served  by  one  servant.  Thus  in  solitude  that  the 
grim,  musty  old  hotel  made  most  desolate  with  its 
tattered  elegance  of  a  bygone  day,  my  evenings  were 
spent  in  reading.  What  are  the  real  problems  in  life, 
what  does  anything  matter,  became  the  constant  ques- 
tion in  my  mind  that  circumstances  obliged  to  be  en- 
tirely self -centered.  If  I  had  been  able  to  brush 

296 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

Aladdin's  lamp  and  used  its  magic,  what  would  every- 
thing in  the  world  be  to  me?  It  was  impossible  to 
want  anything.  Clothes,  jewels,  position  —  what  were 
these  to  one  starving  for  the  priceless  things  in  life! 
My  daily  philosophy  had  reached  the  point  where  lies 
indifference.  Yet  I  neglected  no  duty,  nor  abandoned 
my  former  studious  habits  that  only  left  me  an  empty 
•heart  and  a  tired  brain,  but  the  disposition  to  sing 
was  gone,  the  bird  in  my  throat  had  flown  away,  or 
was  dead.  My  friends  ceased  to  ask  me  to  sing. 
The  one  thing  left  to  me  that  made  me  forget  myself 
was  to  walk  or  drive  about  the  streets  of  Paris  with 
their  eternal  surprises  and  never  ending  shops,  so  fas- 
cinating in  their  bewildering  variety.  If  only  I  could 
be  with  Clifford,  with  his  jolly  wit,  what  a  Heaven! 

These  thoughts  persistently  pursued  me,  until  one 
day  while  driving  in  the  Bois,  from  whence  it  always 
seemed  the  shops  and  busy  boulevards  were  more  dis- 
tracting, in  passing  a  cafe,  I  thought  I  saw  Clifford's 
familiar  face  and,  ordering  the  coachman  to  turn  back, 
I  alighted.  Who  was  that  man  sitting  at  the  table? 
Could  it  be  Clifford?  No,  surely  he  would  have  sent 
us  word;  if  he  had  not, —  ah  then — .  This  was  the 
hour  when  the  men  on  the  Bourse  came  to  this  cafe 
to  sip  absinthe.  Could  it  be  he  had  but  just  come? 

A  charming  curio  shop  next  door  to  the  cafe  was 
what  I  had  been  looking  for.  With  a  furtive  glance 
at  this  man,  but  with  a  studied  dignity  I  walked  into 

297 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

the  shop,  where,  under  pretense  of  buying  an  antique 
candelabrum  in  the  window,  I  could  with  impunity 
feast  my  eyes  on  his  beloved  curly  head.  That  wave 
of  the  hand  as  he  threw  away  his  cigar  ash,  and  the 
nervous  twitch  of  the  third  finger,  I  would  recognize 
anywhere.  He  held  his  eye-glasses  on  his  thumb;  so 
he  could  not  have  recognized  me  at  this  distance. 

The  purchase  could  not  be  prolonged  indefinitely 
and  Clifford  had  as  much  the  appearance  of  being  a 
fixture  as  if  he  had  been  a  wooden  Indian.  What 
was  so  interesting  him  in  Paris?  In  this  neighbor- 
hood, and  with  that  impenetrable  look!  What  had 
happened  to  him? 

For  a  while  we  stood.  Like  two  beasts  at  bay  in  the 
desert,  with  a  long  look  at  each  other  that  ends  in  a 
cry,  which  is  all  they  need  for  mutual  recognition, 
so  Clifford  and  I  looked  until  our  eyes  satisfied  them- 
selves, and  Clifford,  as  if  awakened,  was  his  natural 
self  in  an  instant,  while  I  tried  hard  to  be  self-con- 
trolled as  I  suddenly  regained  my  voice. 

"  The  violet  fragrance  which  I  always  associate 
with  you  attracted  me  first  some  little  time  ago 
when  you  passed  me,"  he  said,  as  he  threw  away  his 
cigar.  He  spoke  with  a  boyish  gladness  that  made  me 
nervously  happy.  It  was  very  hard  to  appear  indif- 
ferent under  the  interested  stare  of  Clifford's  brown 
eyes.  We  were  too  contented  in  each  other's  society 
to  dwell  on  the  facts  of  my  position,  if  indeed  it  was 

298 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

mentioned.  Clifford  always  kept  the  brakes  on  in  a 
masterly  way  that  excited  my  complete  respect,  if  not 
admiration. 

After  a  rapid  fire  of  questions,  which  Clifford  as 
rapidly  answered,  he  said,  "  Now,  let  me  get  my 
breath  and  ask  when  you  will  be  visible  to  your 
friends." 

.  "If  you  will  give  me  your  address  I  will  telephone 
to  you.  Will  you  come?  " 

"  Yes,  I  will  come,"  he  promised,  and  we  concluded 
our  short  visit,  for  if  Clifford  and  I  should  be  caught 
talking  together  in  the  street  by  Michaelovitch,  I 
would  be  frightfully  compromised.  Hurriedly  driv- 
ing home,  a  light  rag-time  kept  gaily  sounding  in  my 
ears  to  the  light  click,  click,  clickety-click  of  the  cab 
horse.  Upon  reaching  the  house  I  gave  the  cocker  a 
piece  of  coin,  the  pin  money  for  a  month,  that  made 
him  shout  his  thanks  profusely  till  the  big  iron  door 
clanged  behind  me.  These  symptoms  were  new  to 
me,  what  did  they  mean  ?  Why !  a  week  ago  nothing 
in  the  world  seemed  of  any  value  to  me,  now  the 
world  seemed  a  resplendent  place,  full  of  joy,  and  in 
some  way,  like  a  song  that  one  cannot  forget,  my 
heart  happily  kept  repeating  over  and  over  again: 
"  Clifford  is  in  Paris,  Clifford  is  in  Paris,  he  has  come, 
he  and  I  will  meet." 


299 


CHAPTER  XXVIII 

Like  a  tune  that  runs  in  the  head, 

And  forces  all  things  in  the  world, 

Wind,  rain,  the  creaking  gnat  and  stuttering  fty 

To  sing  itself,  and  vex  you,  though  perhaps 

A  pattey  tune  that  you  never  liked, —  or,  c'est  V amour? 

We're  made  so,  not  so  much  tyrants  to  ourselves, 

As  unwilling  we  are  slaves  to  nature." 


TF  ideas  of  reflection  must  be  preceded  by  ideas  of 
•*•  sensation  then  Clifford  was  useful,  for  the  thought 
of  him  had  awakened  a  pleasure  within  me,  as  the 
time  approached  for  his  coming,  that  I  had  deemed 
but  yesterday  as  impossible.  I  had  tried  to  while 
away  the  time  by  reading  poetry.  A  copy  of  Swin- 
burne lay  near  at  hand,  and  while  my  whole  nature 
had  changed  to  a  fearfully  over-wrought  condition 
of  nerves  not  adapted  to  the  old-time  keen  enjoy- 
ment of  such  exotics  in  literature,  a  certain  effect  of 
the  words,  as  I  thought  of  Clifford,  gave  me  new  life, 
and  I  threw  down  the  book  and  dropped  into  a  deep 
revery. 

300 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

"  Kiss  me  with  some  slow,  heavy  kiss, 
That  plucks  the  heart  out  at  the  lips." 

A  tentative  feeling  that  there  was,  perhaps,  a  posi- 
tive danger  in  receiving  Clifford  partly  added  to  the 
pleasure  and  excitement  of  his  anticipated  call,  for, 
Michaelovitch  was  suspicious  by  nature,  and  he  felt 
that  he  had  discovered  me  in  an  unforgivable,  repre- 
hensible fault  with  Mr.  Colton.  The  servants  had 
been  set  to  watch  me,  not  one  of  whom  seemed 
glad  to  take  part  in  the  disgraceful  espionage. 
While  it  aroused  all  the  resentful  fires  of  my  nature, 
it  brought  out  in  vivid  colors  to  my  moral  sense  the 
awful  fact  that  very  likely  I  would  not  so  bitterly 
take  umbrage  at  some  of  his  words  that  stung  like 
nettles  with  ever  recurring  pricks  -to  my  conscience, 
if  I  had  been  perfectly  innocent. 

He  had  cried  in  his  anger  to  me,  "  You  will  betray 
me  some  day."  It  seemed  to  fairly  shout  itself  in 
my  ears  now.  Then  it  shocked  me  with  an  appalling 
sense  of  shame.  Shall  I  betray  him?  The  question 
was  not  possible  for  me  to  ask  myself.  Would  a 
secret  love  for  Clifford  be  a  crime?  Must  morality 
consist  in  making  a  sacrifice  of  even  thought?  Oh, 
the  harsh,  cruel  irony  of  our  weaknesses  that  we  let 
go  on,  instead  of  putting  up  the  bulwarks  against  the 
awful  day  of  destruction! 

But  there,  Clifford  is  actually  in  the  house.  With 
my  hand  on  my  beating  heart,  I  hurry  to  meet  him. 

301 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

He  must  not  guess  that  his  visit  would  ripple  the 
peaceful  pond  that  he  must  believe  my  life  to  be; 
he  must  never  know  of  the  swiftly  flowing  under- 
current that  swept  so  much  of  love,  hate,  revenge, 
misery  and  evil  inclination  to  the  great  deep  sea  which 
should  embody  all  these,  which  I  recognized  would 
be  my  life's  history.  Above  all,  never  know  of  this 
new,  deep  love  which  had  come,  all  too  late,  into 
my  heart  and  was  daily  sinking  deeper  and  deeper 
into  my  soul.  He  might  know  that  the  love  for  my 
husband  was  not  enthroned  there  but  he  must  never 
know  of  this  new  power  which  was  taking  possession 
of  my  mind  and  heart,  bearing  me  I  knew  not  whither. 

It  was  not  long  before  Clifford  asked :  "  Are  you 
happier  now,  dear  Old  Ironclad?  There  is  still  that 
pathetic  droop  to  your  eyelids  that  you  have  had 
since  your  marriage,  which  makes  me  ask  the  ques- 
tion." 

Was  it  his  manner  or  voice,  or  the  bare  idea  that 
he  really  felt  a  sympathy  or  interest  that  no  one  else 
in  the  world  had  expressed?  The  tears  started;  he 
knew  my  heart  then,  it  seemed  that  he  liked  to  play 
upon  it.  He  was  distressingly  competent  to  play 
upon  whatever  mood  he  wished  to  arouse  in  me. 

"  Kate,  we  must  really  be  confidential.  When 
more  at  leisure  you  shall  have  all  of  my  time  that 
you  wish.  Be  lenient  with  me  if  I  seem  to  keep  to 
our  usual  familiarity.  You  are  a  love  poem  bound 

302 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

up  in  a  withered  old  sheepskin  that  makes  a  parody 
of  your  life." 

He  fixed  his  gaze  on  a  Sevres  vase,  whose  cool 
blue  somewhat  soothed  his  aching  nerves,  as  he  said : 
"  You  are  playing  the  game  well,  Kate ;  don't  talk  to 
me,  it  is  all  apparent  to  me."  His  candor  startled  me 
and  I  almost  wondered  at  his  temerity  that  exceeded 
his  wonted  reserve. 

"  Clifford,  you  know  that  no  one  ever  hears  me 
complain.  While  the  world  knows  of  my  husband's 
frightful  passion,  I  cover  my  wounds  from  others 
like  a  good  soldier,  to  go  on  fighting  with  myself.  I 
try  to  be  brave  and  to  remedy  my  own  faults,  and  I 
blame  myself  for  the  daily  temptations  that  come  to 
me  from  a  distorted  egotism.  Bruised  and  battered 
on  every  side  of  my  whole  moral  nature,  that  leaves 
me  no  wish  for  the  beautiful  or  esthetic,  the  only 
thing  that  remains  of  my  former  self  is  a  spirit  for 
revenge  upon  a  being  who  represents  to  me  all  the 
suffering,  all  the  wickedness,  all  the  low  brutality  to 
which  I  have  been  subjected,  so  that  there  is  not  a 
crime  in  the  calendar  that  I  have  not  been  tempted  to 
commit.  Sensitive  to  an  extremely  fine  point  to 
telepathic  influences,  this  jealousy  of  everybody  is  not 
a  flattery  to  me  as  it  might  be  from  a  younger  man 
than  my  husband.  Jealousy  is  an  unwarranted  insult 
and  tends  to  make  a  culprit  perform  the  very  crime  he 
dreads." 

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LOVE'S  PURPLE 

"  You  are  a  lady  of  fashion,  with  Paris  at  your 
feet,"  said  Clifford,  "  and  it  will  not  be  my  fault  to 
lay  claim  to  any  attentions  which  would  flatter  me 
more  than  anything  else  in  the  world." 

"  Paris  at  my  feet !  Why,  Clifford,  I  have  not 
been  to  one  court  function,  great  ball  or  even  big 
dinner  party  since  my  marriage.  Michaelovitch 
claims  that  his  health  does  not  permit  him  to  go  out 
at  night,  and  I  am  glad  to  stay  at  home  quietly  to 
keep  peace,  for  we  have  never  gone  to  an  evening 
party  that  he  has  not  come  home  accusing  me  of 
everything  on  earth.  A  friend  of  mine  heard  him 
scolding  me  on  the  street  one  night.  He  called  next 
day,  with  the  curiosity,  I  believe,  to  find  out  whether 
my  husband  had  murdered  me  over  night.  But  do 
not  let  me  go  on  complaining  any  more." 

While  speaking,  in  nervous  confusion  I  had  been 
playing  with  a  ring,  which  dropped  to  the  floor. 
Clifford  stooped  to  pick  it  up  and  fell  on  one  knee,  our 
eyes  met,  his  look  compelled  me;  breathless,  we  did 
not  move,  each  waited  for  the  other,  but  neither 
could  speak.  The  longing  in  his  face  unnerved  me 
at  last;  the  lips  trembled  with  the  unuttered  words 
that  we  both  felt  would  be  a  sacrilege  to  utter  in  that 
house. 

"  With  this  ring,"  and  he  slipped  it  on  my  finger. 
Released  from  the  spell  that  bound  us  with  its  magic, 
we  laughed  together. 

304 


'LOVE'S  PURPLE 

"  Clifford,  you  are  silly,"  I  said,  glad  that  we  had 
not  committed  a  folly. 

A  heavy,  shuffling,  hurried  step  over  the  thick 
carpet  sent  a  dread  horror  to  my  mind.  I  felt  as  if 
petrified  to  inanimate  stone;  a  new  page  would 
be  turned  in  my  life,  perhaps  the  last  of  my  daily 
suffering. 

The  infuriated  voice  of  my  husband  startled  us 
both,  but  Clifford  retained  a  calm  that  in  a  measure 
reassured  me,  and  which  was  in  strong  contrast  to 
that  of  Michaelovitch,  on  whose  neck  great  whip- 
cords stood  out,  his  face  and  bald  head  dripping  with 
sweat  and  his  eyes  glowing  glints  of  red  that  gave 
him  a  fiendish  expression  awful  to  behold,  as  with 
a  terrible  oath  he  cried :  "  I  have  found  you  out,  you 
worse  than  adventuress!  You  offered  yourself  for 
years  in  every  court  of  Europe,  I  found  you  a  nobody, 
a  peasant  of  your  American  democracy;  you  Ameri- 
cans have  no  blood  or  breeding,  no  honor  or  tradition." 
The  same  old  story  I  had  heard  repeated  ever  since  my 
marriage. 

'  Yes,  you  hunted  a  fortune  for  years  with  your 
whole  soul.  You  thought  you  could  marry  an  old 
man  with  money  and  title  —  and  then  love  where 
you  pleased,  but  I  shall  trump  your  trick.  I  can't 
leave  you  alone  for  a  moment  that  you  do  not  dis- 
grace me.  You,  you,  oh,  bah!  away  with  such 
vermin !  " 

305 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

Then,  turning  to  Clifford,  he  went  on :  "  The  purity 
she  brought  to  me  was  of  itself  a  bonus  knocked  down 
to  the  highest  bidder,  that  subsequent  intrigues  might 
be  more  glittering.  She  is  an  actress,  a  master  hand 
at  deception,  expert  liar,  fool  maker,  Devil's  lackey." 
Then  suddenly  he  laid  a  hand  on  Clifford's  shoulder 
as  he  shouted,  "  You  puppy,  get  out  of  my  house 
instantly." 

Clifford  loosened  himself  from  a  grasp  that  evi- 
dently annoyed  him  as  he  quietly  said :  "  You  shall 
hear  from  me  again,  sir,  when  you  have  your  reason, 
and  if  you  touch  this  woman  to  injure  her  you  will 
have  to  answer  to  me,"  and  then  strode  out  of  the 
house. 

Doubt  of  one  is  the  last  echoing  knell  of  a  love  that 
never  was  sincere  —  and  doubt  when  it  is  wedded 
to  jealousy  may  bring  the  disaster  it  dreads.  My  hus- 
band's doubt  would  bring  me  down  to  hell  as  he 
shouted  as  though  to  one  deaf. 

"  This  is  your  treatment  of  me  after  all  that  I 
have  done  for  you,"  he  said  as  the  outer  door  slammed 
and  we  were  alone.  "  There  is  no  use  trying  to  keep 
a  position  in  society  with  you,  you  are  a  disgrace  to 
me  and  to  my  family.  Get  out  of  the  house,  I  don't 
want  anything  more  to  do  with  you." 

Without  a  word  I  stood  listening  as  to  a  court  sen- 
tence. "  You  had  better  go  to  your  father,  he  knows 
how  to  manage  you.  He  beats  you,  that  is  what  you 

306 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

deserve.     Get  out  and  try  your  luck,  see  how  it  is  — 
see  whether  I  have  been  kind  to  you  or  not." 

"  Yes,  I  will  go,  food  and  clothes  are  all  you  give 
me,  and  the  world  will  supply  those  things  to  me," 
I  replied. 

The  longing  to  be  free  was  the  sensation  paramount 
to  everything  else.  I  was  blind  and  deaf,  but  I  felt 
dimly  conscious  of  walking  to  the  front  doors  and 
looking  up  and  down  the  Champs  Elysees,  when,  to 
my  surprise,  I  saw  Clifford  hurrying  towards  me,  as  if 
he  had  come  in  response  to  a  call.  He  whistled  to  a 
passing  cab,  walked  up  the  steps,  took  my  hand  with- 
out saying  a  word,  led  me  to  the  cab,  where  he  said, 
"  Get  in,"  and  I  quietly  obeyed,  when  he  ordered  the 
coachman  to  drive  to  his  apartments.  "  Oh,  Clifford," 
I  cried,  "  not  there,  for  mercy's  sake,  not  there,  think 
what  it  will  mean  for  me  to  encounter  that  reproach 
when  my  husband  hears  of  it." 

'  "  Nonsense,  who  will  ever  know  ?  You  can't  go  to 
a  hotel  without  a  hat,  or  cloak,  nor  to  any  friend,  for 
then  the  whole  thing  would  be  let  loose  on  the  public. 
Ask  yourself  right  down  in  your  heart  what  woman 
there  is  whom  you  could  trust  not  to  take  your  skele- 
ton out  of  the  closet  and  dangle  it  before  your  other 
eager  friends!  No,  trust  me.  We  will  drive  to  my 
apartment,  where  I  will  leave  you  and  return  to  your 
husband  to  intercede  for  you.  Do  not  worry,  Iron- 
clad, I  will  see  him  later.  When  he  comes  down  he 

307    - 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

will  listen.  Let  me  be  your  guide  in  this  matter.  I 
can  give  you  all  and  more  than  you  have  lost.  But, 
do  nothing  that  I  ask  simply  because  I  ask  it,  think 
only  of  yourself." 

The  cab  had  stopped.  Leading  me  to  the  door  of 
his  apartment,  he  opened  it  and  with  a  reassuring  smile 
looked  into  my  troubled  face,  as  he  said,  "  I  will  return 
soon,"  and  was  gone. 

Now,  my  face  to  the  wall,  would  even  God  see  my 
tears?  Would  I  not  be  lost  forever  after  all  this? 
Even  the  daily  persecution  from  my  husband  seemed 
better  than  this  utter  abandonment  here.  All  failure 
is  not  wholly  ill  luck  if  it  is  the  end  of  a  chain  that 
began  in  truth,  for  truth  is  triumphant.  It  can  only 
sing  the  Gloria,  while  vanity  and  lies  must  end  in 
the  Dies  Irea.  Few  married  women  are  happy;  why 
should  I  expect  to  be?  It  is  a  matter  of  time  prin- 
cipally when  a  married  woman  enters  the  Pantheon 
and  places  her  cypress  wreath  among  the  tin  funeral 
hearts  that  hang  so  pitifully  over  the  graves,  com- 
memorative of  the  loves  that  might  have  been.  They 
wonder  why  such  things  must  be,  as  they  travel  along 
the  dark  crypt  of  an  existence  without  joy.  We 
cling  to  the  material  and  call  it  the  lasting  thing,  when 
we  know  that  the  ideal  is  the  bulwark  of  nature. 
What  to  the  world  appears  to  be  the  evanescent  really 
neither  fades  nor  dies  —  but,  what  did  all  this  philos- 
ophy mean?  Was  I  trying  to  excuse  myself?  Was 

308 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

I  married  to  an  old  man  to  be  in  love  with  —  but, 
could  Clifford  be  relied  on?  Would  his  love  prove 
to  be  a  lasting  devotion?  Could  a  woman  come  to 
one  man,  divorced  from  another  and  ask  as  her  right 
a  full  confidence  that  only  an  honest  love  can  beget? 
What  would  my  world  think? 

We  live  in  an  age  that  we  boast  is  the  mightiest 
.in  right  and  Christian  duty.  Speakers  have  been 
heard  in  the  pulpits  pluming  themselves  on  our  great 
twentieth  century.  Society  dons  its  most  becoming 
clothes  once  a  week  to  witness  and  make  avowal  of 
its  white  respectability.  It  voices  aloud  and  in  unison 
the  fact  of  its  being  "  a  miserable  sinner,"  but  its 
private  assertion  is  quite  to  the  contrary,  because 
society  is  king,  "  the  king  can  do  no  wrong."  It 
stands  in  awe  at  the  downfall  of  one  of  its  votaries 
and  takes  heed  to  cover  his  track  with  roses.  My 
mind  dwelt  with  fierce  insistence  on  these  subjects. 

What  if  my  husband  should  refuse  to  take  me  back? 
What  work  could  I  do?  There  was  only  one  outlook 
for  me  then  —  I  should  have  to  find  work  of  some 
kind  to  get  the  bare  necessities  of  life.  What  a  wide 
ocean  of  boundless  relief  this  seemed!  It  soothed 
my  pulsing  senses  to  quiet  dreams  of  a  future  where 
work  and  liberty  should  be  the  stars  and  stripes  in  a 
banner  of  love  and  self-respect. 

"  Lost  to  the  world  in  which  I  crave  no  part, 
I  sit  alone  and  listen  to  my  heart." 

309 


CHAPTER    XXIX 

Then  how  grace  a  rose!    1  know  a  way, 
Leave  it  rather,  must  you  gather, — 
Smell,  kiss,  wear  it,  at  last  throw  away." 


VT7ITH  all  the  insistence  of  a  man  who  has  found 
a  new  vocation,  Clifford  watched  and  waited, 
but  all  in  vain.  Neither  the  door  bell  nor  the  tele- 
phone were  answered,  and  they  would  not  let  any- 
one in.  Still,  Clifford  did  not  lose  faith  in  the  hope 
that  his  vigilance  would  be  rewarded.  He  had  deter- 
mined to  be  the  Red  Cross  Corps  to  take  charge  of 
the  pieces  when  the  final  explosion  came.  Hopeless, 
I  feared  the  worst.  Without  the  presence  of  an  en- 
couraging strength  such  as  Clifford's  there  would 
have  been  nothing  to  support  me,  as  he  returned  and 
told  me  of  his  fruitless  efforts  to  see  my  husband. 

We  turned  to  each  other  as  we  sat  in  Clifford's  cozy 
apartment,  our  eyes  met  with  mutual  longing,  and  the 
emptiness  of  his'  life  came  upon  him  with  a  new 
meaning.  Finally  he  said :  "  Never  have  I  realized 
what  a  moral  prop  you  have  been  to  me,  Ironclad. 
The  hours  that  we  have  spent  together  have  been  the 

310 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

events  of  my  life.  You  can  rouse  or  soothe  me  as 
no  other  woman  has  ever  done,  and  with  a  varied 
enthusiasm  truly  wonderful." 

"  Clifford,  hush,  this  is  no  time  for  flattery  of 
that  sort,  if  by  chance  even  a  servant  knows  of  my 
presence  here  in  your  apartment  the  whole  story  is  at 
an  end." 

.  "  Nonsense,  you  forget  that  I  am  a  lawyer  and 
that  not  only  my  friends  visit  me  here,  but  the  serv- 
ants are,  to  a  certain  extent,  accustomed  to  seeing 
visitors  come  here  to  consult  me  in  a  professional 
capacity,  just  as  your  servants  are  used  to  seeing  your 
friends  at  your  house.  What  difference  whether  I 
go  to  see  you  or  you  come  here,  just  let  yourself  go 
and  believe  in  me.  I  cherish  your  good  name;  do 
not  worry,  it  will  all  come  right.  Besides,  no  one 
has  a  better  claim  to  protect  you  here  in  a  strange 
land  than  I,  who  have  known  you  so  long,  and  I  will 
do  it  to  my  last  breath." 

I  passionately  longed  to  be  free,  to  rid  my  soul  of 
this  constant  pain  of  mistrust,  which  at  the  beginning 
had  been  undeserved.  That  Clifford,  of  all  men, 
should  be  capable  of  fulfilling  the  prophecy  so  often 
made  by  Michaelovitch,  that  I  would  sometime  take  the 
inevitable  leap  beyond  his  ironbound  restrictions, 
seemed  now  to  be  fulfilled. 

When  a  woman  has  a  jerry-built  edifice  of  white 
ideals  of  a  man  who  proposes  to  destroy  her  alto- 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

gether  with  the  only  thing  she  deems  life  worth  living 
for,  she  is  to  be  pitied.  The  beggar  in  the  street 
starving,  and  freezing  from  the  blasts  of  winter,  is 
a  comfortable  being  in  comparison  to  the  woman  who 
suffers  from  the  sirocco  of  misery  that  sweeps  over 
the  little  white  liver  that  she  so  proudly  names  her 
heart. 

"  Clifford,  in  justification  of  whatever  happens  to 
us  in  the  future,  let  us  start  honestly.  You  must  hear 
the  truth.  You  must  beware  of  me,  I  dread  to  have 
anyone  whom  I  love  care  for  me.  A  woman  of  my 
nature  is  a  menace  to  herself  as  well  as  to  everybody 
else  and  must  ever  beware  lest  the  strong  marble 
pillar  of  her  purified  love  become  striped  with  black 
deceit,  if  not  with  red  crime." 

To  this  he  answered :  "  As  long  as  you  will  be 
candid  with  me,  and  give  me  but  a  vestige  of  your 
friendship,  you  may  have  no  fear  of  me  or  of  your- 
self. I  can  no  longer  live  in  the  habitual  sordidness 
that  formerly  seemed  to  me  to  be  happiness,  for,  in 
some  way,  I  feel  that  you  need  me.  Think  of  me 
only  as  trying  to  be  useful  to  you." 

"  With  any  other  man  than  you,  Clifford,  our  talk 
would  be  a  desecration  of  the  law  that  binds  me  to 
a  man  who  has  tortured  me  on  the  rack  from  the 
first  moment  of  our  marriage.  He  has  been  my 
teacher  in  hatred,  has  cast  me  out  into  the  loveless 
desert,  where  so  many  women  eke  out  an  existence. 

312 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

For  a  young  woman  to  be  bound  to  an  old  man  is 
to  put  her  on  the  rubbish  heap  of  the  ashes  of  a  finer 
humanity,  to  be  consumed  in  the  great  flames  of 
life.  While  I  dreamed  of  firing  the  world  to  its  own 
illumination,  I  am  now  as  a  burnt  out  brand.  You 
cannot  possibly  understand  me,  for  yesterday,  even, 
is  not  to-day,  when  the  literalness  of  everybody  and 
.everything  is  before  me.  Soup  kitchens,  sacred  bulls 
of  India,  the  Golden  Calf  all  have  their  votaries. 
Yesterday  my  sympathies  were  with  the  poor  man,  a 
miserable  ape  who  knows  only  how  to  chatter  about 
clothes  and  food ;  but  it  is  with  the  rich  man  we  ought 
to  sympathize,  for  his  heart  is  generally  a  frozen, 
starved,  puny  waif  without  a  single  friend." 

"  Ironclad,  do  you  remember  your  book  which  you 
gave  me?  Here  it  is,  I  always  carry  it  with  me  that 
I  may  feel  your  comradeship  more  closely,  though 
there  are  parts  of  it  I  know  by  heart.  Everybody  says 
it  is  an  autobiography,  and  there  is  so  much  of  you  in 
it.  You  have  heard  this  before,  I  know,  and  I  think  I 
have  read  it  a  hundred  times. 

"  '  The  very  richest  prize  that  a  man  can  have  is 
a  woman  who  loves  him  so  that  she  is  a  very  part 
of  him;  that  their  lives  become  not  only  a  beating 
of  two  hearts  in  unison,  but  that  her  very  being  is 
entombed  within  his.  The  man  may  bruise  her  soul 
till  it  aches,  she  only  calls  it  a  delight,  a  love  pang.' 

"  If  I  was  not  so  infatuated  over  you  before,  I  was 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

cousin-german  to  it ;  and  because  you  have  been  turned 
out  of  the  house  by  an  irascible  old  man  is  no  reason 
why  I  should  love  you  any  the  less.  Is  it  such  a  sin 
to  love  you  ?  " 

"  When  women  are  young  they  put  men  on  ivory 
thrones  in  great  gold,  and  embroidered  rooms  to  loll 
at  their  leisure,  while  they  sweat  and  moan  under 
a  burden  of  love  that  they  bear  with  a  smile,  and 
call  it,  nothing.  If  I  dared,  Clifford,  I  would  say  yes 
to  all  you  ask,  but  we  are  neither  of  us  so  weak  as 
to  yield  to  only  our  own  desires. 

"  What  can  you  imagine  will  be  my  end  now  ? 
There  is  nothing  for  me  but  to  add  my  share  of 
wreckage  to  the  flotsam,  and  jetsam  of  that  seething 
crowd  we  see  below  on  the  street." 

"  Oh,  Ironclad,"  said  Clifford,  impulsively  grasping 
my  hand :  "  leave  it  all  to  me.  I  can  raise  you  higher, 
or  sink  you  lower ;  love  you  or  hate  you  more ;  run 
farther,  spend  more  lavishly,  pray  more  humbly  and 
kneel  more  devotedly  at  your  feet  than  anyone  else  in 
the  whole  world  who  ever  knew  you.  I  can  read  you 
clearly,  and  when  youth's  scented  pages  shall  have  been 
turned,  I  shall  love  you  all  the  more,  always,  always, 
my  sweet." 

"Not  so  fast,  Clifford,  dear,"  I  said.  "Only 
think  where  we  are,  and  who  we  are.  Ah,  if  only 
such  love  would  last,  but  it  cannot,  it  has  never  been 
known  to  endure.  We  all  crave  a  personal  sympathy, 

314 


LOVE'S 'PURPLE 

or  contact  if  it  means  homage  to  us,  but  I  must  not, 
dare  not,  stop  to  think  of  the  tortures  that  were  mine 
when  the  stress  of  my  disappointment  was  fresh  upon 
me;  it  would  have  ground  some  women  to  powder. 
We  are  not  in  pinafores,  we  are  past  the  age  when 
it  is  considered  dignified  to  give  or  take  the  sympathy 
that  weeps  with,  or  has  time  to  press  the  hand  of  a 
tormented  friend. 

"  At  one  time  my  body  and  soul,  past  and  future, 
seemed  an  inadequate  sacrifice  to  the  man  who  loved 
me  and  whom  I  thought  I  loved.  My  soul  has  ab- 
sorbed my  love,  and  all  that  I  can  now  feel  is  hate  — 
hate  for  the  whole  world.  I  hate  with  the  bitterness 
of  a  demon  in  hell." 

"  As  far  as  I  know  demons  in  hell  are  as  useful 
as  angels  in  heaven.  Don't  loose  your  good  sense, 
Ironclad,  you  are  too  valuable  in  this  world  to  every- 
one who  knows  you,  you  will  never  fall  as  low  as 
you  seem  to  think  it  is  your  duty  to  simply  because 
for  the  moment  you  are  unhappy.  Come,  my  girl, 
cheer  up,  be  natural,  you  are  doing  good  in  the  world ; 
just  your  disposition  and  good  humor  would  be  enough. 
Dry  your  tears  and  make  me  happy;  Ironclad,  char- 
acter is  the  perfume  of  the  soul,  and  I  know  that  yours 
is  still  sweet  and  pure." 

We  were  silent.  I  watched  Clifford,  who  stood 
still,  with  his  eyes  looking  as  if  at  something  far  off, 
and  an  empty  expression  on  his  face  that  one  in  deep 

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LOVE'S  PURPLE 

thought  often  wears.  Finally  our  eyes  met,  a  wan 
smile  flitted  over  his  features,  and  a  great  wave  of 
his  thought  rolled  upon  me,  and  as  a  pebble  of  the 
sea  washed  down  by  the  compelling  tide  into  the 
ocean,  so  my  heart  yielded  itself  to  his  longing  wish, 
and  in  that  renunciation  was  a  marvelous  peace  past 
all  understanding.  As  a  child  trusts  its  mother,  so 
my  confidence  reposed  in  Clifford. 

"  We  are  old  friends,"  he  said,  "  and,  in  whatever 
condition  or  circumstances,  we  will  be  everything 
to  each  other  for  all  time.  Trust  me,  and  you  shall 
yet  be  happy.  But  I  must  see  your  husband  and  have 
a  talk  with  him;  so  I  had  better  make  another  effort 
now.  You  stay  here  until  I  return,"  and  he  kissed 
me  on  the  forehead  as  he  left  me. 

Alone !  Just  as  I  always  had  been  when  the  difficult 
problems  of  my  life  were  algebraic  equations  abso- 
lutely impossible  of  being  solved  by  my  stupid  brain, 
that  now  felt  bruised  and  sore.  I  had  just  reached 
the  "  thirdly  "  of  my  sermon  to  myself  when  Clifford 
entered  the  room,  and  the  tired  expression  of  his  face 
convinced  me  that  his  errand  had  again  been  useless. 
For  some  reason  a  feeling  of  gladness  welled  up 
within  me,  and  a  picture  of  freedom,  of  the  untram- 
meled,  happy  days  of  my  girlhood,  came  to  my  mind 
with  the  lovely  effect  the  perfume  of  a  flower  has 
upon  one,  or  a  fresh  breeze  to  our  hot,  tired  nerves. 
Would  it  be  freedom?  Freedom  at  any  cost,  only 

316 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

that  —  could  I  dare  to  hope?  Ah,  no,  the  more  we 
seek  happiness  the  less  apt  we  are  to  find  it. 

The  velvet  eyes  of  Clifford  read  deep  down  in  my 
heart  all  its  longings  to  be  free,  all  its  love  thirst,  all 
the  pain  of  its  past  which  even  a  caress  or  a  kind  word 
might  have  lightened.  How  his  smile  brightened  a 
heart  which  had  been  dark  for  so  long  that  it  had 
become  numb,  and  would  soon  have  been  callous  and 
lifeless!  What  peace  of  mind  and  comfort  to  my 
aching  heart  had  not  this  short  portion  of  time  brought 
me! 

As  a  girl  I  had  trembled  at  my  fears  and  desires; 
after  marriage,  when  the  many  secrets  of  human 
nature  were  revealed  to  me,  and  my  misery  was  drag- 
ging me  ever  nearer  to  the  precipice,  I  prayed  to  be 
freed  from  the  intuitions  of  evil  that  all  tempera- 
mental women  must  accept;  but  God  knows  I  never 
wanted  to  feel  the  regret  of  a  coquette,  or  the  un- 
fathomable depths  of  remorse  that  my  training  would 
assuredly  endow  me  with,  in  case  this  bitter  trial 
should  come  to  me. 

Clifford,  as  usual,  had  read  my  thoughts  and  his 
face  wore  a  mingled  expression  of  love  and  amuse- 
ment, not  without  pity  and  womanly  tenderness,  as 
he  said: 

"  Your  learned  philosophy  and  pet  religious  senti- 
ments won't  weigh  against  your  happiness,  dear. 
'  Ask  and  ye  shall  receive,'  is  indeed  true.  If  you 

317 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

want  to  be  happy  let  me  take  you  to  myself;  don't 
harangue  me  or  struggle  against  me;  just  put  your 
arms  about  my  neck,  love,  and  trust  me;  lean  your 
heart  on  mine.  We  have  been  tried  friends  for  years ; 
can't  we  be  lovers,  too?  Say  with  that  sweet,  fresh, 
mouth  of  yours  against  my  lips,  '  I  love  you,'  then 
always  stay  with  me,  always  love  me;  but,  if  you  can't 
swear  eternal  love,  say  the  word  to  an  eternal  friend- 
ship, for  no  one  shall  ever  harm  you  as  long  as  I  have 
strength  to  defend  you." 

His  manner  was  so  gentle,  his  strong  manly  arms 
thrilled  me  beyond  power  of  resistance  as  they  drew  me 
to  him,  while  his  heart  vibrated  its  intense  pulsing 
love  to  mine,  and  in  a  rhythmic  measure  they  beat 
together,  as  our  lips  were  united  in  a  long,  lingering 
kiss. 

"  Ah,  Clifford,  no,  we  must  not  —  you  will  think 
less  of  me  than  ever;  there  will  be  no  excuse  that 
we  can  offer.  If  two  wild  madcaps  go  over  a  preci- 
pice on  purpose,  who  have  they  to  blame?  What 
recompense  is  there?  'Whom  God  hath  joined 
together,'  you  know,  '  let  no  man  put  asunder ' ;  but 
how  absurd  that  is !  How  many  men  and  women  do 
you  suppose  are  joined  by  God,  or  can  give  a  reason 
for  their  marriage?  Many  women  divorce  one  man 
after  another  to  keep  on  repeating  the  wedding  cere- 
mony with  exactly  the  same  result.  Many  divorced 
women  marry  again  and  proclaim  themselves  happy 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

out  of  pride;  their  egotism  will  not  acknowledge  the 
naked  facts.  The  crime  of  it  all  is  our  ignorance. 

"  The  poor  have  less  trouble  because  they  work  at 
useful  employments.  They  don't  suppress  the  func- 
tions which  they  were  put  on  earth  to  perform  and 
accentuate  and  over-educate  others  that  were  never 
meant  to  be.  Instead  of  reading  Schopenhauer  they 
spade  the  garden;  instead  of  longing  for  a  Sheffield 
set  of  silver  plate  they  make  the  baby  a  new  dress. 
There  is  not  the  rage  and  rivalry  after  display,  or 
craze  for  more  money  than  they  can  spend.  This 
thirst  and  greed  for  money  is  destroying  us  all. 

"  Besides  all  the  rest  of  it,  there  is  the  constant 
friction  in  the  household  about  money  that  separates 
so  many  people  from  a  happiness  that  otherwise  they 
would  bestow  on  one  another." 

"  Kate,  you  have  always  had  pure  motives,  and 
have  been  patient,  kind  and  generous,  as  no  woman 
ever  could  have  been  who  was  not  exactly  like  you. 
Have  no  regrets,  for  you  have  done  all  that  could 
have  been  done.  Staunch  and  brave,  you  stood  like 
a  soldier,  without  flinching.  You  are  made  of  the 
stuff  that  conquerors  are  made  of,  but  there  is  the 
other  side  of  you,  which  I  love  most,  that  I  pray  to 
and  yield  to.  Why  should  you  consider  it  necessary 
to  bow  to  a  domination  that  in  your  innermost  soul 
you  despise  more  than  you  are  willing  to  tell,  just 
because  you  are  married  ?  "  Here  he  lowered  his  voice 

319 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

as  he  drew  nearer  to  whisper  in  my  ear  — "  Is  it 
money?  " 

Why  would  all  the  world  throw  that  poisoned  shaft 
at  my  beleaguered  soul?  Just  because,  I  suppose, 
any  sore  on  the  body  is  the  vulnerable  spot  for  all 
hurt  or  accident.  "  Why,"  they  all  asked,  "  had  I, 
when  taking  to  myself  a  husband  and  home,  refused 
the  many  young  men  who  were  known  to  be  my  cast- 
off  lovers,  to  fasten  in  marriage  to  a  man  that  to  a 
casual  observer  made  the  action  a  tragedy,  except  that 
his  social  position  and  supposed  wealth  had  out- 
weighed their  less  exalted  stations  ?  "  Retribution, 
that  means  a  payment  of  coin  in  kind,  was  the  only 
answer  that  could  be  echoed  back  from  questions  like 
these. 

"  Yes,  Clifford,"  I  said,  as  my  tired  head  sought 
repose  on  the  back  of  the  luxurious  divan  that  seemed 
a  refuge  and  a  shelter,  "  life  has  many  difficult  prob- 
lems for  any  woman,  but  those  of  the  wife  are  tire- 
somely  numerous.  Here,  amid  fine  peaceful  surround- 
ings, things  look  differently.  Like  throwing  off  a 
heavy  load  on  a  hot  day,  so  it  seems  pleasant  to  be  in 
this  tranquillity  where  pure  delight  might  be  within 
easy  reach.  People  talk  of  mother-love,  as  if  it  was  on 
a  plane  by  itself,  and  no  other  virtue  could  equal  it 
in  the  training  of  a  child.  We  give  it  the  highest 
place  simply  because  it  is  the  oldest  institution  in  the 
world  and  we  cannot  afford  to  lessen  the  value  of 

320 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

an  established  belief  old  as  mankind  itself.  While 
a  mother's  love  is  the  sweetest  boon  to  a  girl  that 
heaven  can  send  her  it  may  not  be  the  real  good  to 
her  that  something  else  may  be,  partly  because  no 
child  can  appreciate  what  that  love  can  be,  for  never 
can  the  depth  and  strength  of  such  an  ocean  be 
sounded  until  one  has  themselves  sailed  on  it.  A 
mother,  because  of  her  mother-passion,  may  be  blind, 
or  her  pride  in  her  offspring  such  that  she  does  not 
see  that  which  it  were  best  that  she  should.  All  love 
is  more  or  less  brutal.  Love  is  never  unalloyed,  even 
a  mother  frequently  has  her  preferences  among  several 
children,  but  love  is  as  water  compared  to  that  rock 
called  duty.  Duty,  did  ever  any  other  word  exist 
that  meant  so  much  if  it  has  a  place  in  one's  heart. 
If  we  all  listened  to  the  call  of  duty,  what  a  heaven 
this  earth  would  be. 

"  Clifford,  my  duty  is  to  my  husband.  Will  you  not 
try  once  more  to  see  him  and  have  a  talk  with  him? 
In  all  probability  he  will  not  see  you  or  believe  you; 
he  will  likely  try  your  patience  with  insults,  but  you  are 
always  a  hero  to  your  friends,  who  think  that  any- 
thing is  possible  to  you.  Go,  dear  old  Clifford,  I  will 
wait  for  you  here." 


321 


CHAPTER    XXX 

/  wish  you  were  dead,  my  dear, 
I  would  give  you,  had  I  to  give, 
Some  death  too  bitter  to  fear, 
It  is  better  to  die  than  to  live." 


TN  a  manner  that  one  unaccustomed  to  such  things 
•*•  can  never  know,  the  rich  warm  colors,  the  pictures, 
comfort  and  sumptuous  fittings  of  the  apartment 
appealed  to  me,  to  whom  for  so  long  they  had  been 
denied,  for: 

"  Maidens  like  moths  are  ever  caught  by  glare, 
And   Mammon  wins   his   way   where    Seraphs   might 
despair." 

Clifford  remained  but  a  short  time  away.  He  sat 
down  on  the  divan  beside  me  and  took  my  hand  while 
he  told  me  that,  although  he  had  been  unable  to  gain 
an  entrance,  he  was  conscious  that  there  was  some- 
thing unusual  going  on,  that  the  automobile  of  a 
prominent  physician  stood  before  the  hotel  and  there 
seemed  to  be  a  suppressed  excitement  about  the  house. 

322 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

He  had  watched  for  a  time  to  see  if  he  could  gain 
any  information,  but  not  being  able  to  find  out  any- 
thing, he  had  returned  to  me,  with  the  intention  of 
making  still  another  effort  later  on. 

"  Oh,  Ironclad,  a  girl  like  you  ought  to  have  every- 
thing she  wants,  go  where  she  pleases,  but  above  all 
she  ought  to  have  love.  You  have  not  been  a  good 
enough  diplomat.  The  wife  of  Michaelovitch  Ro- 
manoff would  need  the  commercial  spirit  and  plenty 
of  tact.  You  had  better  let  me  plan  for  you  now,  for 
I  feel  that  he  has  taken  his  tack  to  sea,  and  that  he  does 
npt  intend  to  change.  He  has  decided  everything  for 
you,  never  humored  you ;  and,  my  dear,  no  one  would 
blame  you  for  getting  elsewhere  what  you  could  not 
get  at  home.  At  any  rate,  you  need  a  friend  who 
understands  the  situation  and  can  guide  you.  Let  me 
decide  this  for  you,  let  me  give  3'ou  some  solace.  All 
of  us  have  to  cross  the  Styx  some  day  or  other.  I 
believe  you  will  reach  Paradise  yet;  if  you  have  fallen 
into  Hell  it  is  more  from  the  weight  of  other's  sins 
than  your  own." 

"  Clifford,  I  appreciate  your  sweet  sympathy  but 
I  dare  not  accept  it.  Goodness  entirely  unnerves  me. 
Blame  me,  tell  me  it  is  all  my  fault,  then  it  will  be 
easy  for  me  to  brace  and  endure.  Asmodeus,  the 
demon  of  matrimonial  unhappiness,  the  demon  of 
vanity  and  dress,  has  been  invoked  by  me  and  now 
I  am  paying  his  price.  We  all  have  to  pay,  sooner 

323 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

or  later,  the  bitter  cost  for  being  separated  from  a 
desire  for  truth." 

"  Oh,  don't  get  to  preaching,  my  girl.  We  can't 
any  of  us  give  up  the  tax  demanded  by  the  gods  of 
humanity,  nor  say  that  all  joy  may  be  any  man's  lot 
for  all  time.  '  Let  us  make  the  most  of  what  we 
yet  may  spend '  or  listen  to  old  Omar :  '  Take  the 
cash  and  let  the  credit  go.'  Let  each  moment  bring 
you  its  happiness,  don't  put  off  acquiring  it  till  every 
promissory  note  of  youth  has  been  refused  at  Nature's 
great  clearing  house." 

What  could  the  commotion  Clifford  thought  he 
perceived  about  our  house  mean?  I  had  sat  brooding 
alone  so  long  that  my  mind  was  ready  to  grasp  at 
any  dark  foreboding. 

"  Kate,  for  the  love  of  God,  of  what  are  you  think- 
ing? Oh,  Kate,  what  are  you  thinking  of  doing?  " 
and  he  sprang  to  me  and  grasped  both  my  wrists  in 
a  grip  that  nothing  but  his  own  will  could  have 
removed.  "  You  surely  would  never  do  anything 
desperate?  " 

"  Yes,  that."  My  voice  was  hoarse,  even  my  strong 
effort  to  be  natural  was  unavailing,  my  whole  being 
was  betraying  me.  If  only  I  could  assume  my  usual 
bearing,  go  out  in  the  darkness,  walk  to  the  house 
cool  and  prepared,  with  a  dagger,  yes,  a  dagger  sharp 
and  small,  easily  held  in  the  hand,  like  that  in  Clif- 
ford's writing  desk,  for  there  must  be  no  mistake 

324 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

about  it,  no  noise,  no  words,  no  terrible  threats,  just 
that;  then  —  perhaps,  the  penitentiary  for  life. 
What  matter,  nothing  could  be  worse  than  this  sort 
of  freedom,  to  be  out  in  the  world  but  to  have  your 
heart  and  soul  locked  in  a  dark  murderous  wall  of 
intention,  as  mine  had  been  so  long  —  to  end  these 
hysterical  days  of  self-pity  under  the  lash  of  a  master 
whose  soul  was  money,  whose  hand  and  heart  were 
wrapped  in  money  and  could  not  see  anything  else, 
while  all  my  tense  nature  and  strong  passions  were 
heated  into  one  amalgamated  horrid  hate,  a  hate  that 
would  hiss  itself  into  more  hate,  through  seething 
sibilant  words,  too  horrible  to  utter  but  beyond  hold- 
ing under  one's  breath. —  Revenge!  What  a  sweet 
word  that  became,  how  good  it  was  to  roll  it  under 
one's  tongue  and  cast  one's  hope  upon  it!  To  look 
upon  the  destruction  of  him  and  all  that  was  his,  then 
to  turn  one's  feet  in  the  way  of  love,  to  found  a  home, 
to  bear  children  sacred  to  that  love,  to  encourage  all 
the  good,  the  best  impulses  that  were  rotting  away 
in  this  morass  of  marriage,  where  the  hatred  and 
dread  of  this  miser  should  no  more  come  upon  me  as 
it  had,  and,  I  felt,  would  again.  Yes,  to  live  to  be 
good  again,  away  from  the  deceit,  the  lies,  the  broils 
and  indecencies  my  life  had  been  shadowed  with  for 
the  past  few  years. 

"  Kate,  you  have  played  the  game  thus  far  with 
more  skill  than  anyone  would  ever  have  been  willing 

325 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

to  grant  you;  don't  play  foul  now  that  things  arc 
all  your  way.  What  do  you  want?  Nothing  in  the 
world  so  much  as  your  freedom  and  love."  And 
Clifford  looked  away,  subjoining  the  principal  idea  to 
my  mind  by  a  process  of  telepathy  rather  than  the 
vulgar  mode  of  spoken  word,  to  the  effect  that  free- 
dom gained  would  practically  mean  our  mutual  pos- 
session of  each  other.  We  both  understood,  our 
hearts  were  confessing  this. 

"  No,"  I  murmured,  "  I  am  recovered,  I  will  not 
add  a  bloody  crime  to  my  burden ;  my  remorse  would 
be  more  than  I  could  bear." 

"  What  is  that  noise  as  if  someone  opened  a  door? 
There  are  silk  petticoats  rustling." 

Before  the  words  were  said  Clifford  was  con- 
fronted by  the  problem  of  his  life,  for  he  stood  be- 
tween the  woman  who  craved  him  for  herself  and  the 
woman  that  he  loved.  It  was  Nina,  who  had  really 
been  on  Clifford's  track  for  years,  but  not  being  able  to 
secure  his  attention  in  return,  had  found  the  closest 
proximity  to  him  would  be  to  place  her  Penates  on 
Laniard's  mantel  shelf,  where,  at  least,  they  would  be 
blessed  by  his  grudging,  patronizing  acquaintance. 

"  I  beg  pardon,  I  did  not  know  you  were  with  a 
lady." 

The  malicious  intonation  with  which  this  was 
uttered  did  not  escape  my  distracted  senses.  The 
shrill  laughter  that  nothing  had  elicited  rather  sur- 

326 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

prised  me.  Nina  detected  intrigue,  which  she  gloated 
over  at  the  same  time  that  it  incensed  her.  A  society 
woman  entrapped,  was  her  thought,  and  with  the 
scorn  that  such  women  betray  for  the  white  lamb  that 
strays  outside  the  fold,  she  gave  me  a  look  of  withering 
contempt. 

"  So  this  is  what  Clifford  came  to  Paris  for,  you, 
my  rival,  was  the  magnet  that  drew  him,"  she  said 
with  sneering  politeness.  "  A  vanquished  woman  takes 
comfort  in  the  fact  that  her  rival  is  up  to  the  mark  — " 
and  Nina  surveyed  me  with  not  an  unalloyed  scrutiny. 

"  No,  indeed,  no  woman  need  claim  me  as  a  rival, 
for  I  am  married.  Mr.  Bennet  and  my  husband  arc 
old  friends  and  I  am  here  entirely  on  a  business 
errand." 

"  Beg  pardon,  I  never  judge  another  woman,  but 
zealously  guard  my  own  reputation  from  the  toils 
of  society  women,  for  they  think  they  have  a  special 
license  granted  them  by  Providence  to  butcher  every- 
one else,  and  there  are  some  things  sacred  to  me,  one 
of  which  is  my  reputation." 

Nina,  who  was  more  clever  than  most  women  of 
her  kind,  had  read  in  an  instant  what  would  be  most 
taunting  to  her  common  enemy,  another  woman. 

"  We  women  have  our  peccadillos,  but  I  would  not 
have  disturbed  this  tete-a-tete  had  I  known  of  it,  only, 
we  all  come  to  Clifford  if  we  want  anything  or  any- 
body, and  Lar  is  such  a  slippery  eel  no  one  can  pin 

327 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

him  down  to  any  consistent  constancy,  and  to-night 
I  was  at  the  last  knot  of  my  string.  I  would  have 
trusted  you,  Clifford,  to  the  end  of  your  days  —  but 
these  society  women  are  great  drains  upon  men,  and 
they  do  not  consider  us  even  as  beggars  at  Lazarus' 
door,  we  take  the  crumbs,  but  give  —  well,  no  matter. 
But  I  hear  that  Lar  is  really  married  to  — " 

"  Nina,  please  come  into  the  other  room  with  me," 
broke  in  Clifford,  who  had  been  getting  impatient 
beyond  control  as  Nina  became  so  insufferably  talka- 
tive, not  so  much  angry  as  uncontrollably  excited. 

"  I  do  not  choose  to,"  she  replied,  imitating  a  pout, 
as  she  took  a  newspaper  off  the  table  and  leaned  grace- 
fully against  one  corner  of  its  heavy  carving,  without 
looking  up,  but  trembling  from  head  to  foot,  as  she 
noticed  that  she  was  making  a  coup  of  some  kind,  and 
that  she  unmistakably  had  the  upper  hand. 

There  are  counterparts  to  animals  in  human  beings. 
Nina  was  like  nothing  else  than  an  unbroken  filly  that 
if  ridden  with  a  gag  bit  would  fling  you  a  cropper. 
She  pursued  her  love  affairs  with  all  the  impetuous- 
ness  of  an  ardent  nature,  and  all  the  carelessness  of  in- 
consistency. She  was  surer  of  subduing  Clifford  now 
by  the  magic  of  her  pride  than  she  had  ever  been 
before. 

He  read  the  meaning  of  her  triumphant  look  at  a 
glance.  Nina  meant  that  by  my  degradation  his  esti- 
mate of  her  would  be  lifted.  She  knew  his  admira- 

328 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

tion  for  a  good  woman,  as  he  termed  the  inaccessible 
woman  who  would  not  yield  to  him.  She  had  failed 
in  all  her  efforts  to  secure  his  love;  he  had  thrown 
her  off  as  he  would  an  old  glove. 

"  '  Hell  hath  no  fury  like  a  woman  scorned ! '  "  she 
hummed  to  an  inconsequential  tune,  in  a  tone  that 
hinted  at  another  scene  upon  which  the  curtain  had 
been  rung  down,  supposedly  forever. 

"  Madame  and  I  are  evidently  booked  for  the  same 
race.  What  are  you  going  to  do  about  it,  jockey, 
dearie  ?  "  she  interrogated  with  polite  irony. 

Here  the  bell  rang  and  jumping  up  she  ex- 
claimed : 

"  That  must  be  Lar,  for  I  arranged  with  him  to 
meet  me  here,  as  he  is  getting  impertinent  now  and 
does  as  he  pleases." 

"  You  might  have  had  the  grace  to  go  elsewhere 
with  your  Lar  for  an  interview,  you  will  excuse  me  if 
I  say  you  cannot  stay  here,  because  I  have  some  busi- 
ness with  this  lady,"  he  said,  with  a  violent  gesture, 
but  at  the  same  moment  Larnard  rushed  in,  saying, 
before  he  had  greeted  us: 

"  Now,  my  girl,  you  want  to  make  it  short  and 
to  the  point,  I  think  this  is  rather  a  forced  deal." 

"  Don't  get  fluffy,  my  boy,  you  will  have  plenty  of 
time,  so  don't  waste  your  breath." 

"  Come,  let  us  get  out  of  this  and  don't  annoy  decent 
people  with  our  quarreling."' 

329 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

"  If  I  were  a  man  I  would  hammer  your  face  till 
you  would  pass  your  own  house.  I  have  endured 
your  brutalities  till  I  am  heartily  tired  of  them.  You 
and  your  whole  set  are  the  rottenest  gang  I  ever 
came  across,  and  I  did  not  live  among  the  lilies  before 
I  met  you,  either." 

"  It  is  hardly  necessary  for  you  to  criticise  the 
women  of  my  set,"  said  Larnard,  "  please  to  confine 
your  perorations  to  something  you  know  about  — 
men,  for  instance." 

"  Yes,  you  are  so  particular  about  your  women." 
Then,  turning  to  Clifford,  she  said :  "  Do  you  intend 
to  give  this  lady  the  facts  regarding  this  marriage 
that  you  so  soon  will  publish  to  the  world,  with  a 
woman  who  cannot  claim  one  vestige  of  your  heart? 
Can  you  efface  the  past?  Will  you  be  able  to  hide 
the  facts  of  it  from  her?  "  asked  Nina,  with  an  inde- 
scribable flash  of  her  eyes.  "  You,  you  villain,"  she 
gasped  between  a  choke  and  a  sob,  "  you,  who  have 
taken  from  me  all  the  best  of  my  life — "  then,  seeing 
the  unwisdom  of  so  unequal  an  attack,  she  changed 
her  tactics  and  coming  up  to  Larnard  said,  "  Lar,  dear, 
think  of  it!  If  I  should  drop  out  of  your  life  it 
would  be  to  perdition.  The  gulf  between  lovers  is  so 
fearfully  wide.  Come  to  my  rooms,  Lar,  and  let 
us  talk  it  over.  Oh,  Lar !  " 

Convulsively  she  covered  her  face  with  her  hands. 
A  woman's  sobs  are  her  strongest  argument.  Some 

330 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

women  learn  this  early  and  conjure  up  briny  persua- 
sion at  will,  before  which  court  and  jury  decide  for 
the  plaintiff. 

Larnard  put  his  arm  about  Nina  tenderly.  He  was 
descended  from  a  race  noted  in  the  age  of  knight 
errantry  for  their  heroism  and  gallantry.  Nina  was 
courtesan  at  heart.  She  had  made  her  lover's  dispo- 
sition and  traits  of  character  a  scientific  study  to  the 
end  that  she  might  control  him  through  his  own 
ideas;  appealing  to  his  honor  and  loyalty,  she  had 
now  played  trumps  and  won  the  game.  She  placed 
her  hand  gently  on  his  arm,  saying :  "  Lar,  let  us  go," 
and  putting  her  lips  close  to  his,  as  she  looked  into  his 
eyes  with  a  magnetism  he  apparently  could  not  resist, 
she  murmured :  "  Not  one  man  in  a  hundred  would  feel 
that  a  weak,  helpless  woman  was  worth  gunpowder 
to  blow  her  up,  but  such  men  as  you  are  above  the 
great  mass.  No  other  man  shall  ever  take  your 
place  with  me." 

"  You  have  been  a  good  girl  to  me,  Nina ;  come, 
let  us  go.  Let  us  go  to  your  rooms  and  talk  it  over." 

Nina  knew  this  was  no  time  for  making  a  scene  or 
appealing  to  him,  but  a  look  in  her  eyes  said  she  had 
a  view  to  further  concessions.  She  gave  him  her 
hand,  overlaid  with  jewels,  smiled  archly,  pouted  her 
wet  baby  lips  for  a  kiss.  It  looked  as  though  she  had 
weighed  the  new  bride's  best  bower  anchor  on  the 
ship  that  was  to  sail  Larnard  over  the  tempestuous  sea 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

of  life  from  out  the  placid  moorings  of  bachelorhood 
to  the  dangerous  reef  called  marriage. 

Then,  turning  to  me  with  her  most  gracious  man- 
ner, she  said :  "  Let  me  be  the  first  to  congratulate 
you  on  the  regaining  of  your  freedom,  even  though 
through  so  unfortunate  a  climax,  and  assure  you  that 
when  I  planned  with  Lar  to  meet  him  here  I  had  no 
idea  that  we  would  interrupt  any  such  a  tete-a-tete. 
I  only  heard  the  news  as  I  dropped  into  the  Consulate 
office  on  my  way  here,  as  it  was  telephoned  to  a  news- 
paper, but  even  then  I  had  no  idea  that  our  old  Clifford 
was  the  one  who  had  caused  all  the  trouble.  May 
you  live  long  to  enjoy  the  money  that  from  all 
accounts  you  have  more  than  earned.  Or,  as  you 
said  awhile  ago  that  you  were  here  entirely  on  busi- 
ness, perhaps  Clifford  is  your  legal  adviser  to  assist 
you  in  the  management  of  the  vast  fortune  you  will 
doubtless  come  into  as  the  widow  of  the  distinguished 
diplomat,  Michaelovitch  Romanoff." 

While  saying  this  she  had  been  putting  on  her 
gloves,  and,  as  Larnard  showed  evident  signs  of  impa- 
tience to  go,  they  hurriedly  left  the  room. 

"Widow,"  "Consulate,"  what  did  it  mean? 
"  Newspaper,"  "  telephone  "  ?  I  stood  stunned,  but 
Clifford  had  been  quick  to  realize  and  understand  it 
all  and  he  now  turned  to  me  saying,  "  Kate,  what  she 
said  explains  the  excitement  I  saw  last  time  I  went 
to  the  hotel.  Stay  here  while  I  go  again  and  try  and 

332 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

find  out  if  this  news  that  Nina  has  hinted  at  is  true. 
My  dear,  I  must  leave  you  alone,  but  do  not  worry, 
just  be  satisfied  to  let  me  bear  your  burdens  for  you 
in  the  future,  whatever  they  may  be." 

Left  alone  in  an  atmosphere  permeated  with  Nina's 
perfume,  that  reminded  me  of  her  sneering  expression 
as  she  looked  at  me  over  her  shoulder  when  for  an 
imperceptible  moment  she  hesitated,  as  if  fixed  by 
interest  hard  to  overcome,  I  sat  and  brooded  over  my 
position.  Remorse  is  not  a  fit  companion  for  an 
unhappy  woman.  The  contempt,  or  rather  the  idea 
Nina  wished  to  voice  of  her  own  superiority  over  one 
who  could  not  know  to  what  length  her  false  step 
might  lead,  suddenly  seized  me  with  an  icy  grip  that, 
like  a  death's  hand,  shook  me  till  my  teeth  chattered. 
Was  I  afraid?  Of  what?  Time,  time  present  or 
future,  what  did  any  of  them  matter? 

I  chose  to  be  good  for  the  world's  ridicule.  A  vol- 
untary being  I  had  eliminated  the  stars  to  receive  the 
darkness.  God  sometimes  fills  in  such  blanks,  but 
with  such  as  I  surely  it  would  be  folly  to  pray,  to 
put  God  to  the  test.  God  and  the  Devil  often  seem 
to  have  their  limitations.  All  power  while  ruling 
must  in  turn  be  ruled.  Why  do  Christians  so  often 
use  the  argument  that  a  jealous  God  is  punishing  them 
for  their  sins?  This  that  I  suffered  was  what  they 
meant.  But  why  suffer?  What  is  moral  suffering, 
or  remorse?  A  state  of  mind  that  comes  from  a 

333 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

point  of  view.  There  is  nothing  wrong  in  itself,  but 
a  friend  or  neighbor  withholds  his  encomiums  be- 
cause our  behavior  does  not  accord  with  his. 
Moral  codes  are  largely  matters  of  environment  or 
training.  Could  even  the  power  of  God  perform  the 
miracle  of  changing  present  conditions  for  my  asking 
him?  What  would  be  such  a  worm  as  I  when  the 
present  moment  was  but  the  preparation  of  hundreds 
of  years  of  history  or  the  effect  of  at  least  a  thousand 
years  of  ancestry,  just  as  one  drop  of  water  contains 
all  the  elements  of  the  Universe? 

Recognizing  our  divinity  relegates  us  to  the  general 
machinery  of  a  set  of  laws  that  it  is  our  duty,  if  not 
our  mission,  to  learn  and  to  follow. 

Even  if  saved  by  invisible  hands  now  it  would  be 
only  that  my  future  destruction  might  be  more  awful. 
My  conscience  would  condemn  me.  Why  could  I  not 
have  solved  the  first  problem  of  my  life?  Always  my 
own  master,  I  now  felt  like  a  whipped  dog  crouching 
at  the  feet  of  cruel  circumstances. 

Had  Nina  spoken  the  truth?  Was  my  husband 
really  dead?  What  could  I  do  for  a  living?  While 
my  friends  called  me  talented,  what  would  be 
the  market  value  of  any  of  my  talents?  What  in- 
come would  the  exercise  of  any  of  my  accomplish- 
ments bring?  None  of  my  church  friends  would  help 
me,  for  they  had  the  very  poor  to  look  after  and  the 
rich  to  cater  to.  They  naturally  would  condemn  me, 

334 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

to  make  me  feel  the  chastisement  of  a  jealous  God, 
who  has  his  own  methods  to  bring  a  sinner  back  to 
the  fold.  Then  for  social  reasons  they  would  not 
dare  to  recognize  me  now.  No,  in  every  sense  I  must 
be  my  own  saviour,  rule  my  own  destiny  and  not  care 
for  what  they  said. 

In  my  secret  soul  I  knew  that  never  would  it  be 
possible  to  reckon  without  the  one  overpowering  ele- 
ment in  it  all,  man.  No  convent,  even,  would  be 
entirely  a  protection.  Place  or  time,  it  was  all  the 
same.  The  many  glittering  generalities  that  my  will 
had  thrown  around  my  education  had  not  acquired  a 
protecting  aegis  from  the  everlasting  Male  —  with  hot 
blood  in  his  veins,  heart  on  fire  with  passion  and  stung 
by  a  Tyche-like  desire  to  divine  my  charm  for  him. 
There  never  had  been  a  cessation,  why  should  there 
be  now?  Would  age,  gray  hair  or  loss  of  that  exu- 
berance so  attractive  in  youth  deter  the  arduous  pur- 
suit of  a  woman  who  bore  the  hall-marks  by  which 
she  was  invariably  known.  I  seemed  to  my- 
self to  be  a  white-robed  virgin  instead  of  the  red 
petticoated  being  who,  with  some  modifications,  we 
paint  as  the  modern  Jezebel.  The  best  thing  for  me 
would  be  to  turn  Sister  of  Charity;  do  helpful  things, 
spend  the  days  in  nursing  the  sick,  reading  to  the 
blind;  bringing  brightness  to  those  who  had  none  in 
their  lives ;  root  out  the  selfishness,  offer  my  whole 
being  to  the  light  that  for  years  had  failed,  kill  the 

335 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

old  nature  that  a  new  one  might  be  born  again,  live 
for  others. 

The  very  wealth  of  all  things  spiritual  or  worldly 
would  then  flow  in  beyond  all  my  expectations;  not 
that  this  wealth  would  come  from  seeking  it,  but  only 
by  giving  it  to  others,  when  the  long  dark  days  would 
be  filled  with  a  joy  not  too  brief. 

In  my  heart  I  forgave  all  my  enemies.  A  soothing 
rest  crept  over  my  shivering,  tired  body,  the  racked 
mind  gradually  succumbed  to  this  balm  that  my  own 
eased  conscience  put  upon  it.  The  world  seemed  a 
good  place.  My  perfect  health  asserted  itself  in  an 
overpowering  drowsiness.  My  eyelids  fell  —  I  must 
sleep  —  sleep  —  sleep. 


336 


CHAPTER   XXXI 

Why  must  I  keep  from  Love's  embrace 

Because  of  shame? 

Why  turn  aside  my  hated  face, 

Am  I  to  blame? 

That  all  the  life  within  me  cries 
For  love,  and  lips  that  kiss  with  sighs, 
Till  heart  unites  with  heart,  and  dies, 
Am  I  to  blame  f  " 


was  dawn.  Clifford  had  evidently  returned  and 
covered  me  with  a  Navajo  and  gone  out  again. 
The  burden  of  the  night  seemed  to  be  consumed  with 
its  darkness.  The  sun,  in  a  fiery  chariot  of  joyous, 
opalescent  red  and  gold  of  a  new  day  touched  the 
city  with  its  cheering  light.  As  I  looked  out  into 
the  splendor  of  the  morning  I  said  to  myself  that 
now  my  life  should  be  given  to  Fate  to  paint  —  how 
would  the  colors  be  chosen?  Kneeling  on  the  divan 
and  looking  at  the  sky,  my  heart  sent  up  a  prayer 
as  naturally  as  a  rose  will  give  out  its  perfume.  To 
live  truthfully,  and  from  this  time  forward  to  think 
of  the  happiness  of  others  more  and  not  be  so  self- 

337 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

centered;  not  to  waste  time  idly  in  society  but  help 
those  who  needed  aid.  Yet,  the  thought  came  to  my 
mind,  in  spite  of  myself,  that  all  too  soon  I  might 
be  in  need  of  the  help  that  I  so  eagerly  dreamed  it 
might  be  in  my  power  to  give  to  others.  The  future 
promised  —  what  ? 

I  turned  round  to  find  that  Clifford  had  stood  look- 
ing at  me  all  the  time.  He  laid  a  paper  down  on  the 
table  while  he  took  both  my  hands,  but  my  eyes  had 
caught  sight  of  the  words,  in  unusually  large  head- 
lines : 

SCANDAL  IN  HIGH  LIFE 
HOME  INVADED 

Domestic  troubles  in  the  family  of  Michaelovitch 
Romanoff  end  in  the  death  of  that  distinguished  Rus- 
sian diplomat.  Grief  at  seeing  his  American  wife 
enter  a  cab  with  a  former  lover,  now  in  Paris,  pro- 
duces a  stroke  of  apoplexy,  causing  almost  instant 
death. 

"  Clifford !  "  was  all  I  could  utter.  I  must  have 
reached  the  limit  of  degradation,  for  while  standing 
there,  white  to  the  lips,  looking  at  Clifford  grim  and 
silent,  I  yet  felt  a  certain  pleasure  in  this  announce- 
ment. It  was  the  knife  that  cut  the  Gordian  knot. 
This  meant  absolute  freedom.  What  greater  gift 
could  the  world  or  Heaven  grant? 

"  I  could  not  gain  an  entrance  to  the  house,"  said 
338 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

Clifford,  "  but  learned  that  when  you  left  the  house 
Michaelovitch  had  watched  you  from  the  window  and 
saw  me  put  you  into  the  cab,  which  so  added  to  the 
excitement  he  was  already  in  that  it  brought  on  a 
stroke  of  apoplexy,  and  that  the  servant,  hearing  a 
fall,  came  into  the  room  and  found  him  lying  p.n  the 
floor.  He  immediately  called  up  a  doctor,  but  his 
efforts  were  of  no  avail.  When  everything  was  over 
the  servant  catted  up  the  consulate  officials  and 
advised  them  of  the  fact  of  his  death,  giving  them  a 
version  as  to  the  cause  of  his  excitement.  This  evi- 
dently was  the  message  that  Nina  overheard  when 
she  was  in  tke  consulate  office,  and  they  told  me  there 
that  she  came  to  inquire  for  your  address. 

"  I  came  back  last  night  to  tell  you  this  but  found 
you  asleep  and  had  not  the  heart  to  awaken  yon,  for 
I  knew  you  would  need  all  your  strength  to  go  through 
the  trials  that  naust  await  you  to-day,  and  for  many 
days  to  come,  so  I  covered  you  and  went  to  the  apart- 
ment I  have  take*  for  myself  for  the  present,  in  a 
hotel  whick  is  so  near  here  that  I  can  be  with  you 
at  any  time  in  a  few  minutes.  But,  come,  fej^ns  have 
breakfast." 

Then  taking  both  my  hands  in  his,  he  said,  "  Kate, 
I  want  to  fight  this  battle  for  you,  and  if  possible  secure 
justice  for  you.  I  am  confident  that  I  can." 

How  shall  I  describe  the  days  that  passed,  their 
misery,  and  the  sustaining  comfort  that  Clifford,  with 

339 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

his  constant  and  thoughtful  attentions,  was  to  me! 
I  was  not  permitted  to  enter  the  house  where  my  hus- 
band's body  lay  awaiting  the  last  sacred  rites  of  the 
Greek  Church,  which  I  only  attended  as  one  of  the 
gaping  throng.  I  was  not  even  allowed  to  pack  my 
own  clothes  and  jewels,  and  my  maid  was  permitted 
to  give  me  only  such  jewels  as  I  had  before  my  mar- 
riage. I  was  a  stranger  in  a  strange  land  with  no 
power  at  my  command,  while  I  had  to  contend  with 
one  who  had  all  the  influence  of  the  Russian  consulate. 
But,  in  spite  of  all  this,  after  months  of  hard  and 
bitter  struggling,  Clifford  managed  to  secure  for  me 
an  independence.  At  last  it  was  settled,  I  was  a 
free  human  being  again,  without  even  the  black 
pall  of  a  law  suit  hanging  over  my  head.  What  I 
had  secured  from  my  husband's  vast  fortune  was  a 
bare  pittance,  but  what  cared  I  for  his  money?  What 
was  that  beside  the  joy  of  my  freedom  and  the  glorious 
fact  that  Clifford  had  compelled  the  world  to  acknowl- 
edge my  rights  as  the  honorable  wife  of  the  dead 
diplomat ! 

This  long  and  bitter  contest  had  drained  even  my 
strong  constitution.  The  day  the  last  legal  seal  was 
placed  upon  the  long  sheets  of  paper  it  seemed  to  me  I 
was  but  a  wreck  of  my  former  self,  and  was  only  too 
glad  to  accept  the  mandate  of  my  physician  that  I 
take  a  protracted  sea  trip. 

I  had  been  too  depressed  in  spirit  and  too  listless 
340 


LOVE'S  PURPLE 

of  late  to  even  pay  special  attention  to  the  fact  that 
Clifford  had  recently  bought  a  yacht  and  was  having 
it  put  in  commission.  I  was  tired  of  Paris  and  felt 
that  now  any  place  would  be  more  acceptable  to  me 
after  this  tragedy;  and  as  I  sat  in  my  apartment 
one  afternoon,  trying  to  decide  where  to  go,  in  a  world 
that  was  now  bereft  of  those  whom  I  loved  the  most, 
a  world  empty  of  everything  save  the  joy  of  the  long 
comforting  visits  that  Clifford  made  to  me  daily.  How 
had  life  been  bereft  of  all  ambition,  all  interest  —  If 
•only  a  little  child's  fingers  could  bind  up  the  withered 
bruised  thing  I  used  to  call  my  heart  —  that  would 
replace  all  the  glitter  that  formerly  seemed  necessary  to 
a  loveless  career  —  as  I  had  grown  now  to  know  that 
a  woman's  usefulness  is  in  her  household. 

"  Dear  Old  Ironclad,  there  is  but  one  course  left 
for  you  to  take.  It  may  be  difficult  for  you  to  decide 
but  the  yacht  casts  her  mooring  from  Cherbourg  to- 
morrow, if  you  will  go  put  your  hand  in  mine  for 
answer." 

I  walked  to  the  window  and  looked  out  —  a  girl 
in  a  shirt-waist,  with  a  lunch  basket,  passed.  I  stared 
at  Clifford.  There  was  a  knock  at  the  door,  and  to 
Clifford's  prompt  call  of  "  Come  in,"  the  door  opened 
and  a  serving  man  in  holiday  attire  appeared. 

"  Excuse  me,  sir,  but  the  word  is  going  round 
among  the  crew  that  you  wish  to  sail  to-morrow,  and 
the  captain  says  as  how,  begging  your  pardon,  sir,  he 

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LOVE'S  PURPLE 

would  like  to  know.  He  has  telephoned  to-day  over 
the  wire  to  the  lady  he  wants  to  marry,  and  she  wired 
back  as  the  clergyman  of  her  church  is  going  away 
on  his  vacation  day  after  to-morrow,  and  the  captain 
wants  to  know,  sir,  could  you  wait  until  day  after 
to-morrow  to  sail  and  let  him  go  and  get  married." 

'  Tell  the  captain  that  we  shall  sail  after  he  is  mar- 
ried and  that  this  lady  will  give  him  orders  from  now, 
henceforth,  and  as  long  as  we  sail  life's  seas  together, 
for  she  has  consented  to  be  first  mate  — 

"  Hawkes,  congratulate  us, —  for  we  sail  to-morrow 
on  the  Idalia  with  a  new  passenger  —  my  wife  — 

"  We  will  cruise  the  Mediterranean.  Contrary  to 
all  sailing  rules  tell  Captain  Riggs  to  take  his  bride 
with  him. 

"Is  that  according  to  the  book,  Kate?  —  if  so  put 
it  there !  "  and  Clifford  held  out  his  large,  square  palm, 
into  which  I  placed  my  hand,  confident  that  no  harm 
should  come  to  me  now. 

The  man  bowed  himself  out  of  the  door  with  a  glad 
smile,  too  eager  to  spread  the  good  news  of  Clifford's 
final  decision  to  overthrow  his  former  proud  boasts 
that  no  woman  would  ever  make  him  declare  himself 
to  that  foolhardy  mission  of  spending  a  lifetime  in 
pleasing  a  woman. 

At  last  alone  —  free !  Clifford  clasped  me  to  him 
in  an  embrace  that  has  never  let  me  fall  from  its 
sheltering  protection  —  and  from  without  the  narrow 

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LOVE'S  PURPLE 

circle  of  his  manly,  strong  arms  I  sec  great  vistas  of 
large  worlds  of  increasing  usefulness,  and  unutterably 
happy  days  full  of  desire  to  shed  about  me  a  part, 
at  least,  of  the  sunshine  that  a  woman  can,  who  has 
fulfilled  her  highest  mission  in  heaven,  or  earth,  that 
of  happy  wife,  and  mother. 


THE    END 


343 


